Three illegal things.. lighthearted version

[Acc0untant]

Someone else currently has a thread running about what 3 things you'd make illegal if you could. Love the idea for that thread but can see some of the responses are/will get heated so thought I'd do the same but a lighthearted version. Nothing too serious.. nothing bashing benefits, disabilities etc all that stuff. Keep it friendly. For me it would be:

1. Fruit in chocolate. I don't want raisins or cherries or whatever else they want to put in my chocolate, just give me regular chocolate (nuts are acceptable).
2. Not saying thank you when someone lets you out in traffic, send them straight to jail.
3. Those men's shorts that are made out of the same material as joggers. Nobody looks good in those.

1. People who's say "Oh I think I've got 7p here!" when I'm half way through counting their change.

1. People who sit at the only dirty table in a room full of clean tables and say "Can you clean this?"

1. People who say "You've forgotten our garlic bread and chips." when I'm balancing four plates.

Would all go straight to prison.

Actually can I have four? People who moan the coffee machine needs filling up, but then crowd around it and wont step back and give you room to fill it.

This is the winner 🏆

Looks like I will never be answering my phone again. Work may object though. 🤔

Caramel chocolate. Caramel inside a chocolate bar (like Cadburys caramel - fine. Chocolate that tastes of caramel chocolate - banned)

Overly complicated sandwich flavours with random ingredients for the sake of it.

Floor to ceiling windows on new builds. Noone wants them and all that happens is that they have full length blinds that are closed all the time which defeats the point of having a window.

For me it would be
Staff meetings with power points and the boss reading out the slides Someimes up to a hour and a half .A bloody email would do !

Oops I put my lighthearted version in the other thread!

I’ll third that!

May I add ‘loose’ when they mean ‘lose’?

‘Outside of’, when just ‘outside’ is all that’s needed.

Leaving the TV on when visitors arrive - I don't want to have to talk over the background noise of something you weren't even watching.
Milk that's not from cows - just don't call it milk
Flies and wasps - particularly those that find a way inside but then can't find the way out again.

1. Rain when a washing is on the line

1. Bird droppings on cars

1. Filler words and sounds... ehm, um, eh, like, basically etc.

Wrongly combining perfect and imperfect tenses; ‘was sat’ should be ‘was sitting’.

If you would like to provide him with therapy, he’s yours!

(no, I do actually have to keep the butthead because the kids love him. But they aren’t the ones cleaning up when he barfs up the croissant he just stole from the shopping bag. He’s 9kg and is NOT going short of actual cat food)

Surprise mustard in sandwiches. You can have a perfectly nice ham sandwich without it, thanks. Ditto cheese toastie (yes, Pret, looking at you).

Tailgating people. All cars should be able to fire something horrible coloured if a car gets too close, especially at high speed.

Using lush to describe anything other then vegetation.

A ban on pathetic hand driers which dribble a tiny amount of stale warm air over your hands. Give me a hurricane-force Dyson any day.

Fines for creeping forwards at traffic lights. Stop properly and put your handbrake on.

A seatbelt which won't release until the plane has stopped at the gate for twats who get up and start rummaging in the overhead lockers. It's not going to leave again with you still on board!

Mustard

roundabouts

holidays abroad

Oh yes, that’s got to be on the list.

@Butteredtoast55 so sorry to be picky... but people who say 'can I' when they are asking permission to do something, rather than 'may I'.

Even worse, people who say ' please may you' when they are asking you to do something.

People who are talking to people on the phone on loud speaker. The world does not need to hear your conversation.

Middle Lane hoggers on motorways.

Pineapple on pizza. (Very controversial I know)

Pretentious menus
Lamb /beef whatever jous = gravy
I'm sure there is more

• Saying a bad word against cats. Ever. Cats are gods.

I'm ignoring this law, end of.

For a start, the cat that continuously shits on my patio would get ten ton of lead up its backside if I could get away with it. Disgusting.

I hesitate to ban food related things, because each to their own and all that but. . .

What sort of diseased imagination came up with the idea of putting parma violet flavouring in Cheshire cheese? I thought Wensleydale's fruit varieties were weird, but this monstrosity leaves them in the dust.

ETA: someone upthread has reminded me about soft/runny eggs, especially egg white. If it isn't cooked it has the appearance and consistency of snot and should be banned.

Peas. Happy to settle for a caution if just possession but throw the book at suppliers.

Escalator loitering - that one can be done cheaply by permitting volunteer direct enforcement. Sharp poke in the ribs from anyone or all within arms length. No backsies.

Sloppy bra straps. Bra manufacturers will be subject to minimum 18 month return and replace policy. Will be in their interest then to bloody well sort that out.

Salted caramel

Gravy

School blazers

I love my cats. But I'm not sure I could live with the red one if I couldn't tell him what an infuriating little bum-hole he is. The tortie, needless to say, is a goddess.

Another vote for 'I was sat'. And all the other grammatical errors.

Corporate jargon. The most ridiculous was 'who is holding the pen on this?'

Yoga and hippyish Californian wellbeing trends such as sound baths. I attended one once and I couldn't stop giggling at the sheer ridiculousness of it.