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Original poster

I’m really upset but not really allowed to be!

79 replies

Bu22 · 21/04/2025 20:15

It’s a tricky situation!

It’s my bday tomorrow. For the past few years, DH has stopped buying bday cards, gifts (also nothing for Mother’s day, not even a card). What with the fuss I made about not getting a Mother’s Day card, I’d like to believe that he was planning on buying me a bday card and he did mention a few days ago about buying me a cake, which is more than what I had wished for (just wanted a card), so it was looking hopeful!

Any way, he just told me that he hasn’t got me a cake, nor a card for tomorrow. However… I’m not allowed to be upset because he fell ill yesterday and ended up spending the day in A&E (and had to rest today). So of course I feel for him and can’t be upset. I’m just feeling down because I know for a fact he will let tomorrow go by and I’ll recieve nothing belated.

I truly would have appreciated a hand written note on a screwed up piece of paper just to say happy bday and sorry I couldn’t get out to get you a proper card, rather than him just telling me that he hasn’t got me a card!

It’s just getting to me - I’m not asking for expensive gifts (of any gifts) just a Mothers Day card from our children and a bday card from him/them (kids are too young to buy).

Do I just have to get over this one…again?

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 21/04/2025 20:17

He's doing this on purpose. The person who is supposed to love and care for you more than anyone else, uses every occasion where he could show love, to hurt and disappoint you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2025 20:20

Of course you’re allowed to be upset. Your birthday is the same date every year, you told him exactly what you wanted and he didn’t do it. He wants you to feel hurt and unappreciated. You be as vocally upset as you like and find a divorce lawyer while you’re at it. Expect more FGS. The best gift you can give yourself is not waking up next to this selfish arsehole next year.

Original poster
Bu22 · 21/04/2025 20:20

@bigboykitty this is EXACTLY why I am feeling hurt. I do such small, inexpensive and personal things for him on his bday and fathers day. I do it because I love him and I want him to feel loved and appreciated by me and our children. This isn’t reciprocated and I’m feeling more and more…. Shit!

However, like I say, he was in hosp and is a last min person so may have been planning on getting something. He was in hosp for something quite worrying so I feel as though I can’t speak up without sounding selfish?

OP posts:
Safxxx · 21/04/2025 20:21

Leave him with the kids tmro and go enjoy your day out with family or friends, treat yourself (even better tell him to give you some cash to spend on yourself) I hope your not buying him father's dad and bday cards either.
Ps happy birthday in advance 💐 I hope you have a good day ❤️

shellyleppard · 21/04/2025 20:22

No you don't have to put up with his total lack of thought. He's had weeks to buy a card/present. I'm sorry he hasn't bothered. 🙏💐🎁🎈

bigboykitty · 21/04/2025 20:22

But he does this every year. Let's say he's planned nothing for tomorrow. Will he make sure you have an absolutely lovely day? Will he spend the next 365 days making sure the same doesn't happen next year? No. He wants to hurt you. How could you possibly not be upset about that? It's so cruel.

BendingSpoons · 21/04/2025 20:23

You have more than 1 child, so presumably at least one of them is old enough to draw you a picture and he could write a Happy Birthday message on it.

He can't be bothered and doesn't care enough that it is something that matters to you.

yeesh · 21/04/2025 20:23

He doesn’t give a fuck about you. Think about how little you are asking for and he won’t even give you that

Branleuse · 21/04/2025 20:25

I would make a point of not mentioning it at all to him. Plan something lovely with a friend or sister or mum.

you are allowed to be upset, but if you think hes going to be a dick about it, then just refuse to discuss it. If he tries, tell him that he knows full well its important to you, because youve told him. He has decided that you dont deserve anything for whatever reason, so for now, youd rather just leave it and not spoil your day any more than necessary

bigboykitty · 21/04/2025 20:27

Is the rest of your relationship also shit? I'm willing to bet that this isn't the only flaw in an otherwise breathtakingly perfect diamond?

PullTheBricksDown · 21/04/2025 20:32

Tell him that since he's been ill, you'll postpone and celebrate your birthday on Sunday / next week instead. Make it clear that him doing nothing is not on.

Cavend · 21/04/2025 20:32

@Bu22
OP, I get that this year, the circumstances are different, as your DH has been ill, but you say he has been like this for a few years, he could buy a few birthday cards in advance, and stash them somewhere for your birthday with a nice message on them. Most of the supermarkets sell budget birthday cards, starting at 50 pence !

You say you love him, but are you happy with him most of the time? And is he like this for your children too, do they not receive anything?
It just sounds like he doesn't care, and you are not asking for much. Flowers

apostrophewoman · 21/04/2025 20:33

What is it with these men who announce they’re going to do stuff and then don’t do it? Why say he’s going to buy you a cake and then not bother, when he could just say nothing and you’ve not got your hopes up. That seems cruel for the sake of it and worse than saying and doing nothing. He sounds like a nasty, lazy bastard and I’d be so angry and so hurt by this. I’m sorry and I hope you turn this around for yourself and have a fantastic birthday.

Darby3785 · 21/04/2025 20:34

Hi OP

Of course you have every right to be upset! Even if he's resting due to his a&e visit there are ways of doing things and being thoughtful without actually going to the shops! Infact he could have done it weeks ago instead of leaving it to the last minute and now not being able to at all! It's just a bit convenient.

Is there any particular reason he stopped sending cards for your birthday/mothers day

I think you need to sack of his birthday and father's day! See how he feels about that!

Happy Birthday for tomorrow 🎉🥳 I hope you manage to have a good day! X

Maitri108 · 21/04/2025 20:35

He's had a year to buy a card and plan a gift. He can't be arsed.

bigboykitty · 21/04/2025 20:36

apostrophewoman · 21/04/2025 20:33

What is it with these men who announce they’re going to do stuff and then don’t do it? Why say he’s going to buy you a cake and then not bother, when he could just say nothing and you’ve not got your hopes up. That seems cruel for the sake of it and worse than saying and doing nothing. He sounds like a nasty, lazy bastard and I’d be so angry and so hurt by this. I’m sorry and I hope you turn this around for yourself and have a fantastic birthday.

They actually get off on raising expectations and then cashing in on the increased hurt and disappointment when they don't do it. It let's the OP know that he could have done it if he'd wanted to. He just didn't want to.

_nellie_ · 21/04/2025 20:36

He’s set a shit standard for himself and is getting away with it. My birthday was on Saturday, my partner has had the flu, unable to get out of bed for days but he still forced himself out of bed for an hour to the local bakery and florist so I had SOMETHING. If he wanted to then he would. Plus if he knew how much this all meant to you then he could have at least ordered a card online

Smallmercies · 21/04/2025 20:37

Why do you stay with this guy?

coughingtoomuch · 21/04/2025 20:39

He won’t change.

Is he ASD? My “husband” is the same. But what goes around comes around. So I don’t give a 💩 about his special events too (that’s after years of being truly upset - I’m past caring now. Done and dusted)

Move on he will not satisfy you. Just jump ship now or expect years of this - he will not change. It’s not important to him.

Good luck and make sure you make yourself happy. Even if you take “your” babies out to the park / a fast food place / a restaurant. Don't be upset by him.

Make it your day to have a happy birthday! And do something you enjoy even if it’s a walk / coffee etc.

Hope the sun is shining tomorrow and you have a happy moment or two to enjoy 🎂

Happy birthday for Tom

Lazycatsitsonthemat · 21/04/2025 20:42

My OH and I don’t do anything for each others birthdays anymore. We go out for a meal or something and I buy something for myself.

RebeccaRedhat · 21/04/2025 20:46

Get up early, shower and dress nice. Go out for the day alone, having breakfast out, buy yourself a couple of treats (including cake). I'm not a big celebrator either, but I always make an effort to have a card, cake and a few gifts.

Rosesanddaffs · 21/04/2025 20:46

bigboykitty · 21/04/2025 20:17

He's doing this on purpose. The person who is supposed to love and care for you more than anyone else, uses every occasion where he could show love, to hurt and disappoint you.

@Bu22 this post is so true, I went years with ex husband not making an effort with anything. It really used to get to me, not because I wanted gifts, I could buy anything I wanted with my own money, but I wanted him to make an effort and show he had thought of me.

You are allowed to be upset, if he can’t be bothered to make an effort on your birthday or Mother’s Day then give him a taste of his own medicine xx

ItGhoul · 21/04/2025 20:48

Lazycatsitsonthemat · 21/04/2025 20:42

My OH and I don’t do anything for each others birthdays anymore. We go out for a meal or something and I buy something for myself.

That’s fine, but your birthday preferences aren’t relevant to what the OP would like to have for her birthday.

OP, rather than telling him you’re annoyed about this year, ask him what the hell his excuse is for all the other times he hasn’t bothered.

persisted · 21/04/2025 20:49

No, he's being rubbish. Any reason he can't ring a local florists and arrange delivery? Announce in the evening that he thought takeaway would be nice, or maybe lunch out on Saturday as a family when he's feeling better? It would take less than 10 minutes to pop into a corner shop to pick up a card and your favourite chocolate. Which he could do first thing so you still get it in the morning. Any reason apart from being a thoughtless arse I mean?

I'm always baffled as to why it seems so hard for these men just to do one nice thing.
It's not about cost, just some evidence of care and thought.

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 21/04/2025 20:49

I'm afraid he was never going to be getting you anything and why does he get to dictate what you can be upset about.
You're a human being with feelings and emotions not a machine that switches on and off.
He doesn't deserve the love you have for him.
You'd be better off without him and trying to pander to him to keep him happy.
He deserves to die in time as a lonely old man.