I’m really upset but not really allowed to be!

[Bu22]

It’s a tricky situation!

It’s my bday tomorrow. For the past few years, DH has stopped buying bday cards, gifts (also nothing for Mother’s day, not even a card). What with the fuss I made about not getting a Mother’s Day card, I’d like to believe that he was planning on buying me a bday card and he did mention a few days ago about buying me a cake, which is more than what I had wished for (just wanted a card), so it was looking hopeful!

Any way, he just told me that he hasn’t got me a cake, nor a card for tomorrow. However… I’m not allowed to be upset because he fell ill yesterday and ended up spending the day in A&E (and had to rest today). So of course I feel for him and can’t be upset. I’m just feeling down because I know for a fact he will let tomorrow go by and I’ll recieve nothing belated.

I truly would have appreciated a hand written note on a screwed up piece of paper just to say happy bday and sorry I couldn’t get out to get you a proper card, rather than him just telling me that he hasn’t got me a card!

It’s just getting to me - I’m not asking for expensive gifts (of any gifts) just a Mothers Day card from our children and a bday card from him/them (kids are too young to buy).

Do I just have to get over this one…again?

Alright, and how is that relevant to this OP?

I came on to say the same. He doesn't like you. I bet the lack of acknowledgement on days about you (classic arsehole behaviour btw) are the tip of the shitty man iceberg.

I’m really sorry Op - you deserve so much better. I hope you manage to find the self-esteem to realise this.

You have set the bad ridiculously low and he has still failed. Life is short. Leave!
Do you want your kids growing up thinking this lack of thoughtfulness is how a partner should be treated?

I’m not allowed to be upset because he fell ill yesterday and ended up spending the day in A&E (and had to rest today).

Were you with him whilst he was in A&E ? did he suffer palpitations at the thought of doing something vaguely nice for you ?

You are setting your bar so low. Being alone would be better than being treated as if you were of no worth.

How does your comment help OP though? She’s not asking for alternative approaches to birthdays. She’s saying she wants a small appreciation on her birthday from him same as she does for him and is upset that it looks like another birthday going by unmarked.

I’ll be honest I didn’t expect these responses - I thought I was being selfish!!

He is ok(ish) just needs to take things easy and stop overdoing it with work. He has been referred and will have further tests. It was quite scary yesterday as he had a funny turn, had to call the ambulance out and he is usually quite tough and refuses to see a gp, let alone a trip to A&E! So I knew he was bad.

This is why I’m finding it difficult to sulk on this occasion… like I’m going to put stress on him when he has basically been told to avoid stress?!

But equally, I am bloody sad about it. If I was sick the day before his bday, I’d just improvise (ie get eldest to draw a homemade card, suggest ordering takeaway… all things pp’s have already suggested). My brother would never miss buying SiL a card, in fact he would go the extra mile with dinner out, gifts, breakfast in bed etc. I’m certainly not asking or expecting any of that! JUST a card (shop bought or homemade) with some nice words.

To answer somebody’s question, he stopped buying when he became self employed. His life is his business now (which I appreciate in many ways) but then sometimes it gets in the way. I’ve justified his failing to buy cards for a few years now because I know he barely has time to eat lunch during the day… but starting to get bored of that mentality, particularly when I’ve been voicing how upset it makes me.

There are no excuses for his behaviour. He knows perfectly well when your birthday is, let's face it, it's the same date every year, so when it is, should not be a surprise. He could have bought you a card and present weeks ago, but chose not to do so. Now he's using the fact he became unwell yesterday as an excuse as to why you're not receiving anything. A load of bullshit. The man who's supposed to love you, couldn't be bothered to organise himself, and get off his arse to buy you a card and present, in a decent timeframe. You have every right to be pissed off. When it's his birthday, don't bother buying him anything and when Father's Day crops up in June, conveniently forget. I'm sure he'll be singing a different tune, if you don't buy him something! You need a conversation with him and give him a metaphorically kick up the arse.

Tomorrow is a Tuesday and the kids will be at school unless they are pre school age?
If you are at work pop out and get a cake at lunchtime and cut it up at work so at least people at work will know it’s your birthday. Or buy something nice for tea and get a cake and get the kids to sing happy birthday.
happy birthday for tomorrow

He could order a card off Amazon! Literally takes 2 minutes. I’m sorry op, it’s shit. He knows you are bothered but he isn’t. Act accordingly.

Also, thank you for the bday wishes!

Its my birthday tomorrow too 🫶 hope you have a lovely day despite everything 💗

It as someone pointed out OP he’s had a year to sort this. Not just yesterday.
Seriously stop bothering for him - he doesn’t deserve it. Find someone who gives a shit he sounds like a twat. Do you honestly want to go the rest of your life with him not acknowledging your birthday?

He could easily have ordered a moon pig card. He doesn’t appreciate you. He’s a dick.

It’s a childish suggestion @Bu22 but you should completely ignore next Fathers Day and his next birthday and if he makes a fuss say “I’m showing you the same respect/consideration you show me”. That is if you’re still with someone who apparently gets his kicks from negging you and letting you know that neither you or your feelings are important. He has had a funny turn yesterday, maybe, but he could have had something prepared in time whereas instead he has form for demonstrating he doesn’t give a shit.

On Valentine's day a few years ago my DP was in hospital having surgery on a quite nasty broken wrist that he broke a few days before. So he had been in a lot of pain for the 4-5 days leading up to Valentine's day and was worried about the surgery as he was going under general anaesthetic.

I left him to the hospital in the morning and when I arrived home (I wasn't allowed to wait in the hospital) there was a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates waiting for me on the doorstep.

Overall I don't actually even care about Valentine's day but he always marks it.

There is no excuse for your husband's behaviour. The visit to hospital this year is a red herring because he's done this before. It didn't cause his lack of effort. It's just a convenient get out clause for him this time around. You deserve better. And you are allowed to be upset.

He is ok(ish) just needs to take things easy and stop overdoing it with work. He has been referred and will have further tests. It was quite scary yesterday as he had a funny turn, had to call the ambulance out and he is usually quite tough and refuses to see a gp, let alone a trip to A&E! So I knew he was bad.

Not bad enough to need admitting for those further tests? Nothing actually imminently life threatening ? And now he has to rest so you cannot possibly mention your disappointment or hurt at his pathetically inadequate behaviour ?

This, he’s pushing boundaries to see just how much he can walk all over you. Do.not.let.him.

Keep your chin up tomorrow as you’re right, you’re ‘not allowed’ to be upset as he’s had extenuating circumstances to deal with but what about Mothers Day recently? Nothing? This man could not recover enough at any stage tomorrow to buy you a card? Moonpig do next day delivery. He could even have done it online today for tomorrow.

I don’t know where you live or budget but Uber Eats deliver flowers, cake! Can’t you even get next day grocery delivery which would cover cake or card? Amazon for the card? It goes on.

GTFO.

Moonpig is a thing. He sort of has an excuse this year, but there will be something else next year I bet. When is his birthday/your anniversary? Suggest (and keep reminding him weekly for a month beforehand) that your birthday is celebrated then as he wasn't able to do anything this year.

The falling ill is an excuse. What idiot leaves it to the day before to buy his wife and the mother of his children a bloody birthday card. He has had weeks to buy something. And hasn’t. Falling ill has given him the perfect excuse. He never intended to buy anything all along.

The falling ill is an excuse. What idiot leaves it to the day before to buy his wife and the mother of his children a bloody birthday card. He has had weeks to buy something. And hasn’t. Falling ill has given him the perfect excuse. He never intended to buy anything all along.

I’ll never understand why you wouldn’t want to make someone you love feel special and loved in their birthday. It’s not selfish to want to feel loved. That doesn’t mean diamond rings, just a bit of effort and thought. I’m sorry you’ve not had that op.

He sounds like a dickhead, I know you say you love him op but does he love you? Why is his self employment the only thing that matters to him? If he’s so preoccupied with it he can’t even possibly muster up the energy to buy a birthday card it sounds like self employment is beyond his capabilities. I do hope very much that you earn your own money op because you are buggered if you split up and he can hide his earnings through his self employment. I hope you have a lovely birthday and if you were my friend I’d be getting you a card and flowers and I wouldn’t expect you to bear my children or wash my socks or anything 😁

You are allowed to be upset.
It’s not hard to sort a card ( btw, that is a very low bar, a present is pretty standard on your wife’s birthday). Even if he’s unwell, there’s the internet, the phone, the corner shop, the pen and paper probably lying around the house. You are upset because he’s not listening, because he is not showing any appreciation, because it looks like he doesn’t care.
Wait till lunchtime, if he hasn’t sorted something by then, take yourself out, with or without the dc, and get yourself a treat. Cake, a book, meet a friend, just something for you.
Id go a step further and stop doing anything for him. I don’t see why you should play nice if he’s ignoring your birthday, even after he’s been reminded.