I’m really upset but not really allowed to be!

[Bu22]

It’s a tricky situation!

It’s my bday tomorrow. For the past few years, DH has stopped buying bday cards, gifts (also nothing for Mother’s day, not even a card). What with the fuss I made about not getting a Mother’s Day card, I’d like to believe that he was planning on buying me a bday card and he did mention a few days ago about buying me a cake, which is more than what I had wished for (just wanted a card), so it was looking hopeful!

Any way, he just told me that he hasn’t got me a cake, nor a card for tomorrow. However… I’m not allowed to be upset because he fell ill yesterday and ended up spending the day in A&E (and had to rest today). So of course I feel for him and can’t be upset. I’m just feeling down because I know for a fact he will let tomorrow go by and I’ll recieve nothing belated.

I truly would have appreciated a hand written note on a screwed up piece of paper just to say happy bday and sorry I couldn’t get out to get you a proper card, rather than him just telling me that he hasn’t got me a card!

It’s just getting to me - I’m not asking for expensive gifts (of any gifts) just a Mothers Day card from our children and a bday card from him/them (kids are too young to buy).

Do I just have to get over this one…again?

That’s shit.
Do NOT get him a card this year.
And take yourself out tomorrow on your own.
Happy birthday 🎁

I can never understand why people make an effort year after year for a person that gives nothing in response! Are they happy being showed year after year that they are an irrelevance? Treat like for like.

My husbands birthday is coming up and I bought his present and sorted card from DC weeks and weeks ago. Because that’s what you do when you love someone and you want them to have a nice day? Being ill yesterday is not an excuse. He’s not a kind person and it seems as though you already know that.

His life is his business now (which I appreciate in many ways) but then sometimes it gets in the way. I’ve justified his failing to buy cards for a few years now because I know he barely has time to eat lunch during the day

I think you’ve got bigger problems than his inability is to show his love for you on your birthday / Mother’s Day etc. Sounds like this is year round and you are not a priority in his life at all. On this particular occasion there are many many ways he could have done something even if he is mr last minute.com. While he was resting presumably he could have pulled his head out of his arse long enough to go on his phone and with three clicks ordered something from Moonpig, or flowers, or an Amazon prime delivery etc. He just can’t be arsed and this is a convenient excuse.
Does he show his love or appreciation for you in any other way? I think you have every right to be hurt and disappointed @Bu22, and I would point out all the things he could’ve done to make it right, even if he is poorly.

He’s had 365 days to prepare there is no excuses.

sorry OP for this and sorry that you think this is okay ❤️

p.s. Happy Birthday 🥳 I hope you do something lovely for yourself x

My dad does this to my mum, it really hurts her and he will never change.

@Bu22 sick or not you are massively making excuses for him. These events happen every fucking year. He has time to automate or plan something.

personally I’d return the energy he puts into organising things when it’s his turn.

stop with the Father’s Day etc. it’s obviously something you no longer do as a family if he asks.

Being self employed isn’t an excuse.

Does he remember when it’s his birthday? Does he expect stuff to happen for it? Does he remember sporting events or the tax year or to invoice clients? If so he is capable of planning etc and giving you the same attention.

It’s not ‘he’s too important now he’s self employed’. It’s he doesn’t think you are worth the effort of ordering a moonpig card or a gift wrapped bit of tat from Amazon.

Happy birthday @Bu22
It is a shit situation for you and I do sympathise as I have been there on occasion. My DH would sometimes be "too busy" at work to think of gifts and the thoughtlessness is irritating so I decided I would buy myself something I really wanted each time he forgot and, rather than complain, I'd tell him "look at this lovely thing you got me, I'm so happy with it!" Over the years I have had some gorgeous things ranging from relatively inexpensive scented candles or toiletries, right through to a nice ring and a posh handbag. He has got better at remembering over the years but his present buying still isn't as good as mine

Was he genuinely, really genuinely ill? My ex husband always used to end up ill or needing to go to hospital when I had something special happening. It was purely because he couldn’t stand for me to have something nice to do or have and I couldn’t complain because he’d had to go to hospital with whatever illness it was that time so it was obviously really serious and much more important than my thing.
is there a pattern of him spoiling things for you?

Oh for goodness sake, give the guy a break. How was he supposed to know it was your birthday coming up. It's not like it happens every year...

Oh wait...

My ex was like this. He didn't start doing anything until I broke up with him and he was trying to win me back. I'd fallen out of love by this point so it was too little too late - but it did prove to me he could have made effort all that time if he wanted to. It really bothered me because he was basically teaching our kids that Mum's don't deserve to be treated even on their birthday or Mother's day, and I didn't want them to treat future partners the same.

Happy birthday for tomorrow! Do something fun with your kids (I used to buy my own cake so they didn't pick up on it!) then enjoy a relaxing bath/read a book/watch whatever rubbish you want on TV. If you can get out somewhere then do so, even if it's by yourself. I do enjoy a lunch or the cinema by myself!

My DP was in hospital over my birthday and still managed to moonpig a card and promise to do something when he was back out.

You are allowed to be upset because it's upsetting, but if this were me I'd not be upset I'd be angry, and if this was a pattern of behaviour I'd be reconsidering my relationship.

Tbh I'd call it a day. He knows it upsets you and makes you feel unappreciated and still doesn't bother making even the smallest bit of effort. The illness is bullshit. He hasn't been ill for the last 365 days since your last bday. He just doesn't care. He is deliberately choosing to make you feel shit and unloved and I wouldn't want to live with someone like that. Get some self respect and put yourself first because he isn't going to.

Who says you’re not allowed to be upset? He is setting the bar really low op. I hope you have communicated that to him. He may be self employed and busy? But he could order a card/gift online? Could buy a cake at the local shop im sure. Marriage is supposed to be based on love I think he needs to show you!!

I would just call a day on adult presents and spend any money which you would have spent on him on yourself.

Happy Birthday!

Goout andget some treats (just for yourself). If he sits beside you or same room as yourself to watch tell, get your goodies out and DO NOT SHARE!!!!

Forgot to add as you have kids do this after they are in bed!

Happy Birthday @Bu22 🎂🪷. I hope you manage to find time to treat or enjoy yourself today. Please also think about how to make sure you are never hurt like this again xx

Happy Birthday!
Do something nice for yourself, get a cake, buy some flowers, celebrate with your children.
Does this man bring anything good to your life? If not do yourself a real favour and plan a life without him bringing you down.

I wouldn’t even accept ASD as an excuse. Being clearly told I would like a card is not hard to understand

My husband has been seriously ill recently, but still managed to buy me a card! It's really not a difficult or time consuming thing to do - I bet he manages to get the equivalent logistical tasks done for work. That he hasn't bothered for you is a choice and damned tight you are allowed to be upset and pissed off about it!

Honestly, I'm not seeing what the point of him is. You'd be happier without him. And you'd be setting a better example to your children - don't let them grow up thinking that mums and wives are not worth making any effort for!

If you asked him to get you a card would he do it though? If yes then this is not the same.

OP - he doesn't care about your feelings or your hurt and you need to realise that. Then you need to decide if you want to stay with someone who is deliberately upsetting you. It is up to you but you do need to accept he will never be any different.

how old are the kids?

soon they will be bringing cards from nursery / school / after school clubs etc... There will be crafts and stuff... and then they will realise about how daddy doesn't help mummy get a card.

kids will know...

make sure the cards always go on display - oh look Father's Day cards... funny i didn't have any to put up for mother's day, maybe next year you can make one for mummy...

Ok, so he couldn't get you anything because he was ill - fair enough.

There's a difference between using his illness as an excuse and him feeling genuinely bad about it and offering alternatives. Which stance did he take?
And you know, what point is there in a gift that's resentfully given?