Should we give 17 year old an allowance

[Cctviswatchingme001]

So DD will be 17 next month. We have never given pocket money on a regular basis. We paid if the kids did chores in the house but it wasn't ever regular payment same with the chores unfortunately which I take blame for.

DD has tried and has not been able to secure a part time job. She has her last year of school starting in September and I would prefer she studied. DH feels the same. DD has started to help my sister at a market on Saturday mornings but the money isn't guaranteed, it's basically based on what they sell and is weather permitting.

DD is a good kid, doesn't drink, smoke, vape. She plays sport and goes to the gym. She's happy to stay in on the weekend while some of her classmates go out drinking. Obviously she has her moments with acting like a spoiled toddler but generally no issues.

Unfortunately DD is quite materialistic. She likes clothes, jewellery, perfume etc. She's the oldest and her siblings so far are not interested in these things. So she had a tantrum this morning saying she wanted a new phone for her birthday. DH told her absolutely not, she will get 100 in a card same as her siblings. DD feels hard done by because Aunts and Uncles don't give presents anymore (whole other story). She cried and screamed, I was appalled at her behaviour and DH who is very patient was disgusted by her greed. We pay her gym, phone, sports club every month. She was meant to get driving lessons for her birthday but has now said she wants a phone instead. We were happy to pay for driving lessons as its a life skill but the phone is just for her pleasure.

Please advise how to deal with this and be gentle with me. We have no real family support and can't ask anyone in real life. My upbringing was quite chaotic and abusive so I've probably overcompensated with my own children.

Yes, I’d give her an allowance. Then she will realise how much things cost.

Personally, if I wanted to help her financially without further encouraging her spoilt behaviour, I’d offer her a way to earn the money.

Sorry meant to say - to earn it regularly. So a regular responsibility for which she gets the allowance in return.

@BatteryPoweredPeacock

We do pay her when she helps around the house but it's not regular. I've told her previously I would pay her regularly if she helped out regularly.

We pay her gym, phone, sports club every month.

I think you need to address her behaviour and not reward it.

I would start by instead of paying for these things, give her an allowance if you’d rather she didn’t work but she can decide if it covers these things or something else.

I wouldn’t hand over any additional money on a regular basis until she stops acting like a brat.

And make sure she understands at what point you will expect her to get a job, fine to support her now if you can afford it and she’s concentrating on studying but does she really understand when this will stop?

Mine has an allowance - but phone bill etc comes out of it, junk food trips etc.
It's hard not to have intervene when crap is being bought, but I tell myself oh it's his money.
My kids are expected to do chores and the amount of allowance reflects that.
I have found giving allowance teaches them to budget and save for things they really want, and for my DD when she's been able to get the item she really wants (perfume usually) it much more appreciated and cared for.

If your dd is helping your Sis on a Saturday she should get paid fairly per hour regardless of what is sold/money taken.

I would give her set tasks then rather than allowing this to be adhoc.

And stick to your guns, if she doesn’t do the jobs she doesn’t get paid.

@Dithercats

Thanks, it's just a car boot so DD gets paid for the stuff she sells. Family members give her items to sell.

Ds1 is 17 and gets £110 a month. However, that also needs to cover his college lunches IF he chooses to buy them. And his alternative transport if he misses his (already paid for) college bus.

He has the choice of making himself lunch from home every day as there's always plenty here and catching the free bus...then he has £110 to fritter on whatever he wants.

OR he can spend £5 a day in college on food or decide half an hour extra in bed is worth spending £6 on the public bus or an hour in bed is worth spending £16 on an Uber...and he has bugger all spends.

I think it works well because over the last six months he's definitely become gradually more responsible with money. He made some bad choices early on and once ran out of money after 5 days when he pissed it away on Ubers...then had a pretty miserable 25 skint days after that 🤣 But I'm glad it's a lesson he's learning early on and he now sets up his own Monzo pots and pays himself an allowance each week.

Edited to say...he doesn't have to cover everything out of his £110. We pay for his phone, Xbox subscription, trips, anything college-related, sport subs, essential clothes and shoes etc. If he wants to go to the cinema with friends or buy something fancy...that's on him, out of his allowance.

I would start giving her an allowance as it gives her a chance to learn how to budget.

DH told her absolutely not, she will get 100 in a card same as her siblings.

I think the ages of other DC are important here. £100 would seem like a fortune to a 10 year old, but it doesn't go as far when the 17 year old would like to buy some clothes or perfume.

I also think she's being taken advantage of by your sister. If she's helping out every weekend then she shoud be given something for the hours worked, regardless of how many sales are made.

So she's getting up ridiculously early every weekend to help your sister and she could potentially come home after a few hours with absolutely nothing?

My sister does the car boot on a Saturday and she asked if my DD wanted to come to earn some money. My DD enjoys it. My sister sells her things and my DD sells her own things. DD is not helping my sister out and my sister pays the €25 entrance fee each week.

Siblings are 13 and 15 so very close in age. DD has always been more materialistic and likes to spend.

DD is not helping my sister out and my sister pays the €25 entrance fee each week.

I was just going off what you had put in your first message.

DD has started to help my sister at a market on Saturday mornings

She gets virtually NO money at 17 and you keep calling her materialistic??
It's really bad she doesn't and has never been given regular pocket money.
Your bad.

Within what can be afforded, I actually think parents should be providing 17 year olds in full-time education with some money so they can have some control and learn how to budget. Personally I don't tie it to chores as my dc are expected, as members of the household, to tidy up after themselves, be in charge of their laundry (pretty much), do their bedding etc etc anyway. I see that as separate from their allowance. DS gets £100 month and pays for everything except lunches and phone.

I think it's a bit sad the way you seem very critical of her being materialistic. It's perfectly normal for 17 year olds (and indeed people of all ages) to covert perfume and other 'nice' things. It doesn't make her greedy or a bad person, and currently she has no way to get these things as you control everything. It's fair enough if you can't afford more than £100 for her birthday but I don't see why driving lessons are worthy of more being spent and a phone is not as it's just for her pleasure. What's wrong with wanting something 'just because'? She can't necessarily have it, but the judgement seems off to me. It doesn't sound like she gets new phones regularly - couldn't her current one be upgraded without a massive outlay?

It's not her fault you haven't insisted on chores and at her age I think she should have access to her own money and then she can get an understanding of budgeting and what it takes to save up for stuff.

With all due respect, I think you are being spectacularly mean, and are treating her like a little kid instead of an adolescent.

She's tried to find part-time work, and can't. You sometimes give her a small sum for chores but it isn't guaranteed. Neither you nor her father want her to have a part-time job while she's studying anyway and you have never given her an allowance or any pocket money. The only way she can earn anything at all is by having to sell her own stuff at a car boot sale.

Just how do you expect her to save up and buy the things she wants?

No wonder she's pissed off.

How is she materialistic when she has no money?

Yes give her a proper allowance per month but set expectations as to what it should cover right down to San pro etc. Make sure it is a realistic amount though to cover the items you expect it to cover.

It's crap to be a sixth former and have no money to spend as you wish. I had a friend whose parents were tight arses and used to think handing over the occasional £5 was enough. Reader, she was crap at budgeting.

And then people expect 18 year olds to go to university and be able to manage multiple thousands of pounds when they have never seen more than £100 in their life.

Give her an allowance and be very clear with yourself and her what it needs to cover and what you will continue to pay for. That way you can be fair if she comes asking for more money if she's spent her allowance.

My kids have always had an allowance and it goes up every year. My 17 yo gets £50 a month. I pay for phone and transport and food; the £50 a month is his to spend as he chooses. He gets occasional work to top up. Everyone in the house is expected to contribute to chores.

@canthavethatonethen @pinotnow

Thank you and I appreciate your view. I was always brought up to work for everything same as DH so I suppose that's why we didn't want to just give her money as we felt she should earn it.

I can understand though that she is nearly 17 and has no regular money. An allowance monthly might help that.

I'm going to talk to DH and suggest an allowance. We will not be buying her a phone for €600 for her birthday though.

We do a split allowance. A small amount that's not dependent on household chores. It's never used as a punishment for anything. Then they can choose from a list of other household chores that have an amount allocated to them.
ATM DS2 is saving so he's picking loads of chores. dD4 isn't so is having a "chilled fortnight".

That said they also have chores that are theirs not attached to pocket money - just as being contributing members of the household and I'm absolutely as strict as sin on them if they don't get done.

Of course she needs an allowance. Our 16 and 14 year olds get £50 a month. They upgraded their phones at Christmas and now pay £10 towards that. We pay the bills. The 16 year old is fortunate and has a job. We give the 14 year old a bit extra to help with trips out with friends during the holidays. Your daughter doesn’t sound materialistic, she sounds normal.

Thank you and I appreciate your view. I was always brought up to work for everything same as DH so I suppose that's why we didn't want to just give her money as we felt she should earn it.

She might not earn her own money, but it's not tlike she's sitting around expecting everyone else to buy her every whim and desire. She's tried to get a job, she helps your sister every week and she sells her own / family items just so she has a little extra money.

This is too nebulous a concept for a teenager. If you are willing to pay for jobs around the house then you need create a list of what you will pay for each task with a description of how it needs to be done properly to be paid.