Should we give 17 year old an allowance

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So DD will be 17 next month. We have never given pocket money on a regular basis. We paid if the kids did chores in the house but it wasn't ever regular payment same with the chores unfortunately which I take blame for.

DD has tried and has not been able to secure a part time job. She has her last year of school starting in September and I would prefer she studied. DH feels the same. DD has started to help my sister at a market on Saturday mornings but the money isn't guaranteed, it's basically based on what they sell and is weather permitting.

DD is a good kid, doesn't drink, smoke, vape. She plays sport and goes to the gym. She's happy to stay in on the weekend while some of her classmates go out drinking. Obviously she has her moments with acting like a spoiled toddler but generally no issues.

Unfortunately DD is quite materialistic. She likes clothes, jewellery, perfume etc. She's the oldest and her siblings so far are not interested in these things. So she had a tantrum this morning saying she wanted a new phone for her birthday. DH told her absolutely not, she will get 100 in a card same as her siblings. DD feels hard done by because Aunts and Uncles don't give presents anymore (whole other story). She cried and screamed, I was appalled at her behaviour and DH who is very patient was disgusted by her greed. We pay her gym, phone, sports club every month. She was meant to get driving lessons for her birthday but has now said she wants a phone instead. We were happy to pay for driving lessons as its a life skill but the phone is just for her pleasure.

Please advise how to deal with this and be gentle with me. We have no real family support and can't ask anyone in real life. My upbringing was quite chaotic and abusive so I've probably overcompensated with my own children.

We give our 17 year old dd £80 a month allowance. We also pay obvs for her college travel, £10 giff gaff and a refurbished phone. She sometimes has a part time job but we give her the £80 regardless.

Teens need money. They need to be able to budget and learn how to save and the value of stuff. How will she ever learn with no exposure to managing money?

My son is 17 and works PT at the weekend. Earns about £140 a week. Pays for everything himself - phone, clothes, socialising.

My daughters get an allowance each. The 15yr old gets £70 and the 13yr old gets £50. They pay for all socialising etc from this. We don't top up unless they do a big one-off job we'd not usually ask them to do.

The poor girl needs an allowance - how else is she supposed to pay for stuff if she is out and about?

I don’t think giving teens an allowance makes them spoilt or lazy. My dd had a proper allowance since she was 13 or so. She actually saved quite a bit of it and it helped her understand how much things cost.

also, if you can afford it, I don’t think a phone is a particularly extravagant present for a 17 year old. It doesn’t have to be the latest iPhone.

@Newmeagain

Phone is €750.

DD also attends private school which is €13,000 a year. Day student, doesn't board. She was in Austria in February on a ski trip and New York this Easter with her school.

It's so difficult. We also have a 17yo and getting a job has been so hard, she's applied to about 50 and got 2 interviews, she has eventually got one at a kids activity, only 3 hours a week, and after 5 weeks they are giving her a warning that she isn't progressing enough (more high fives needed apparently, she is great with kids but a little quiet)! We also have a jobs for money set up at home and she doesn't do anything! We have given her an allowance and it consists of lunch money + bus fares for the month + I think £40 for clothes, make-up etc. I pay her phone contract on top of that but nothing else (and she's on a £8 pcm pay as you go, not a fancy phone purchase one).

My hope is that she learns to budget, and actually she never ever comes to me for money so does manage it well.

I would offer the allowance if it helps keep her in education. Maybe the amount could depend on progress at college?

When I left school DM was on benefits, I didn't last long at college because she couldn't afford to "keep" me. It's something I was aware of, but didn't fully appreciate at the time.

I was lucky to have the opportunity to go down the apprenticeship route, and made the most of that, but I know DM would have preferred me to stay in education if the situation was different, and I would do the same for my DC.

She should not be punished for the choices you have made about her education and the presumably optional trips you have funded.

She needs to learn how to budget before she goes to Uni / starts work. I’d be giving her the costs of the gym, phone etc that you already cover plus, say, £100 a month for everything else (remember a simple trip to the cinema costs c.£20 all in) and she should be expected to budget appropriately to make sure the regular bills can be paid when due.

DD asked to go to private school. We didn't push it on her. Her siblings are in public schools, their choice too. We don't live in the UK so private school you pay for public is free ...ish.

I was going to comment on the cost. We pay nearly £60k as a Boarder!!

Where are you based?

@Scottishvisa We live in Europe, a very popular and expensive city.

Be that as it may, your comment smacked of “we pay so much for her education so why should we pay more to fund her “materialism” “

@VanCleefArpels Not at all. Her education is very important to us. She gets thousands of pounds more than her siblings every year. We would not have chosen to send her to private school but she wanted to ho so we agreed. Trips alone have cost over 5k this year. She will also be in Spain in our holiday home for 6 weeks this summer. DD is not hard done by.

Is it fair to make her pay in full for her phone if it's your choice in phone? £8 per month would cover an impressive SIM only calls, texts and internet package anything over that seems to be for your choice of phone and package.

A 17 year old will see these outlays as entirely outside her control though. And they are entirely your choice regardless of whether she asked or not. Your tone implies that she should be grateful at having all this money spent on her compared to her siblings and not - entirely naturally - also want her own spending money to do with what SHE chooses

@andweallsingalong We dont live in the UK. The phone she has now she picked and we paid for it. The package is the standard rate for the country we live in. The UK is cheaper for everything.

@VanCleefArpels
I don't know of many children who ask to go to private school and the parents oblige and take on the added costs. Yes she should be grateful .

To be fair, because she has not had a regular allowance she has never had the opportunity to be taught to save or budget. So the fact she likes to spend money is because she is at level 0 in financial literacy.

I don’t agree with earning money for chores. Household chores are unpaid work that everyone in a family is expected to pull their own weight on full stop. I don’t get it pay myself £20 for every load of laundry I do, or each time I scrub a toilet.

The purpose of an allowance is to teach your child basic financial literacy. It’s not a tool to teach work ethic, their current job is student which is an unpaid job too. Work ethic is independent of whether you get paid or not, you get me?

Anyway, imho birthday presents don’t have to be practical, life skill things, they can be for pleasure too. Her penchant for buying pretty things and things that bring her pleasure is likely because she doesn’t get them unless she buys them. I agree a £600 phone is too big present, but instead of saying no! tell her how much you will put towards a new phone. She should be able to trade in her old phone. Help her look for a good deal on a phone upgrade.

I would give her a regular allowance. Enough to cover gym and sports club plus extra to save and spend. Get her set up with online banking and ensure she has a current account and savings account, show her how to set up the monthly direct debit for the gym and sports club. This will teach her to budget.

It’s not lack of gratitude that is the issue here. Your DD is entirely unprepared for impending adulthood and managing money. Her frustration is at the lack of autonomy and independence- which she should have more of by now when it comes to having her own pot of money.

DC1 is almost 18yo and has to do regular dog walking each week, this chore is shared with his 14yo sibling. DC1 is expected to help with grocery shopping regularly too when asked. Pushing trolley, loading the shopping into bags, carrying into the home etc. Extra chores include seasonal stuff like painting 6ft fences in the garden. Sometimes walking two primary aged siblings to the park or babysitting or helping their sibling with a bedtime story.

He also has to keep his room tidy. I don't pick up any of his laundry. He has to do this himself.

All these are expected of DS so he appreciates what it's like running a home, doing basic maintenance of the property and caring for others.

He gets a set amount of cash paid into his bank account every month but we also pay for his phone allowance.

He does have a part time job but due to a health issue is off recovering just now. Hoping to return next month. He is also in receipt of DLA each month due to ASD.

The £100 in a card comment was mean. Very thoughtless too to do that every year!

It's really weird that she wanted to go to private school so you sent her, at a cost of 13,000 a year, but her wanting a £600 phone for her birthday is apparently beyond the pale. For me it would be an impossibility, but she clearly has good reason to believe it's something easily doable for you.

It's also probably going to be cheaper than driving lessons, so you could always offer her the choice. Part of growing up is being able to make your own decisions, even if they are sometimes unwise ones. Not that it would necessarily be an unwise decision to turn down driving lessons at this point as cars are very expensive to run and it's not many young people can afford to do it once they leave home.

It’s always harder for the eldest as they need to change the setup as their needs change first. My similar aged DD year old gets an allowance so she can meet friends for coffee’s buy bits of makeup, cheap jewellery, and clothes from a car boot sale. It helps her make choices, feel more independent and realise how much things cost. Your DD is obviously happy to work once her exams finish which is great. Regular chores are required in our house too, just to help out. We don’t pay for these and the money is separate. Learning how to manage money is a life skill and making mistakes with it sometimes is good experience.

Surely she needs a phone - every adult or almost-adult does nowadays.
You could either give her a generous allowance and tell her to save up for one, or buy her a phone as a one-off present and give her a smaller allowance.
She needs some money. Your sister shouldn't expect her to work for no or little pay because business is going badly, unless she especially loves being at the market or is learning the trade.

Even children in care get an allowance and the rules stipulate it has to not be conditional on chores or behaviour. Plus they are expected to have a phone contract.

I live in an area where it’s difficult for a young person to get a job. We gave ds £15 per week plus paid his phone, college lunches, bus fayres & bought essential clothes.