Do you think 15 years age difference is too much?

[cheekycee]

my ex is 44 and I am 29. When we met I was 25 and him 40. Now I have stepped away it came to me that he could literally have a child my age. Is it weird? I didn’t really feel weird when with him although he was ALOT older than me in attitude in some senses (music taste etc). Just wondering - is it weird? Or is it “acceptable” do you think. Curious for opinions :)

I do know a happily 60 year long married couple. He is now slightly infirm and doesn’t like her going out for her daily walk.

We can look at Melania or Brigitte, different couples manage their lives differently.

My ex married a young one, it made him feel youthful and she had a passport.

Everyone is different, so maybe it was fine for you and your ex. Only you can know. I will say that I used to think it was much more fine as a young woman than I do now. It's because, you know, I have junior staffers at work who are in their early to mid 20s and they are so young. So young and raw and coltish. I can't imagine having a relationship of equals with someone that young, as the older partner. I'd be like their mum, ew.

I don't have friends in their 20s, really either. There are young people I know and like very well but it's not an equal relationship; they instinctively parentify me: they are always asking my advice!

When I was the young one it seemed perfectly reasonable. In fact my own best friend is 15 years older than me! So I'm not saying there's some obvious rule we must all follow. A very good friend of mine married a man 20 years older and they had a wonderful marriage. She was 40+ when she did it, though. The older you get the less it matters.

Personally yes. I don’t think it should be illegal or anything, but I have a low opinion of anyone who seeks a serious relationship with someone that much younger. It shows signs of shallowness and/or misogyny if the motivation is purely physical, and immaturity if they truly think they are equals in terms of lifestyle, opinions and life experience.

It’s more acceptable when the younger party is in their mid 30s onwards, but I still think it’s questionable why the older party doesn’t date someone nearer their own age. I’d still suspect they were shallow or seeking some kind of caretaking from their partner in future.

It depends on the individuals or the motivation. The older one maybe still immature to an extent and the younger, more mature, they meet somewhere in the middle. That is probably the best scenario. If its a control relationship, not so. I'd advise a fast run from that.
Although when they both age it can change the dynamics. Every relationship changes with the passage of time. If the older one is just relying on the younger to care then again no, but if they have planned for the future then all good.
I'm in the an age gap marriage, it was the immature/ mature in the early years. It worked for us, but rolling time, he is now in poor health, I have repeatedly said he needs to get his shit together and sort how it will pan out as I won't be a full time carer. I will need to work and I refuse to give up my social/ sports and I made it clear from day 1 that being a carer is not in my plans.

I don’t think 25 and 40 is too bad given that at that age you kinda know your own mind. Agree 18 and 33 no or even 20 and 35. The only thing people don’t realise is the age gap widens massively as you get older so when you are 60 which IMO is still young he will be 75! Massive age difference then

My DH is 8 years older than me. Now, in later life we both have health issues, but the last couple of years he's rapidly turning into an old man. The difference is becoming evident, and I'm more and more in a caring role now.

I have 3 friends in my circle who have big age gaps, and have never really thought it was weird or odd.
One was 22 when she met her husband who was 38. They are now 46 and 62 and have been happily married for many years.
Another was 26 when she met her partner aged 41.
And a third couple were 25 and 39 when they got together.
All very happy and well suited couples who "seem" closer in real age then their birth certificates say!

My best friend married a man 17 years older. She was 35 and he was 52. It didn’t seem too bad at the time, but she’s now a still vibrant, energetic 61 year old and he’s 78, has advanced dementia and she’s just had to give up her wonderful job to care for him.

Sadly, she didn’t have any children with him, as he already had 4 from two previous marriages and he didn’t want more. She had made her peace with this initially but now regrets it greatly. I think that at the start of their relationship he bowled her over with his huge charm (and he was a very charming and charismatic man in his 50s). Unfortunately he got old very quickly, and became an absolute cock of a man.

Thanks everyone - reallly interesting to see everyone’s point of view. I thought about the older years too - must be hard for people who do live that life! We have split up now as he was very abusive towards me and controlling so in his case it figures why he can’t get a woman his own age but that’s not for everyone of course. We do share a son together i am curious to how he will see it when he becomes aware… hope he isn’t too annoyed at it because we were once in a very loving relationship (I thought) - I definitely loved him beyond’s words before his abuse (of course) but then the cracks started to show.

I think it’s a stretch to say he could have a child your age. It’s only a 15 year gap. And I don’t know any men that have fathered children at 15. Thinking about it, I’m 45 and the youngest Dad I’ve ever known was about 23.

I don’t think the gap is anything to get worked up about. I’ve always gone for men around 10 yrs older.

My boyfriend is 8 years younger than me. Same age difference as Richard and Judy 😂

There was a girl I went to school with she had a baby at 14 with another boy the year below - he was 13. It happens although not common

I think it becomes a problem in later life. You end up being a nursemaid when you are relatively still young, and not able to receive your state pension so maybe having to work.
I know a woman who’s dh has dementia and she is still of working age. She was his second wife. On top of all that she is looking after grandchildren and dealing with her dcs problems. Her dh is unable to help as he is too infirm and ill.
She looks ragged.

When I was 27, I was seeing a guy of 49. I am 65 now, so he would be 87! He was still about when I enquired a few years ago. It was a relationship I sort of drifted into, and something I bitterly regret for various reasons. I was actually quite relieved when he dumped me after a few months. He was still very much in love with his wife who had gone off with another man.

Yes I’m afraid I think people do make judgments- even if it’s subliminal.

I’ve known a few of these larger age gap pairings and it does seem to me it’s always quite transactional - and on BOTH sides.

The women I have known who are drawn to this dynamic seem to feel it as a sign of their “mature worldliness.” In reality, although they often have a veneer of this, I find the opposite tends to be true. Often they have grown up with an absent father, or left home very young for various reasons and, while outwardly tough, there is normally an aspect of some “ patch-up parenting” yearning behind it. That becomes a bit grotesque when you bring sex into the dynamic. IME it’s also often women without a steep likely trajectory of earning power or qualifications and I’m afraid that can come across as a subliminal sort of “short-cut” parasitic tactic.

As for the men, well yes … controlling, insecure, immature, superficial, not “ready” to handle a women their age … so many negative associations. What’s odd is they seem to feel it’s a manifestation of their magnetic sexuality when in fact it sort of makes me think they are somehow less of a “ real” man.

So yes, I’m afraid I definitely judge, but this has been from observation, not a pre-formed opinion. What most strikes me is, while my friends in similar age relationships tend to have a multifaceted bundle of things in common, there is usually something quite slight proffered when you ask people in a large age-gap relationship what they have in common. Normally an awkward silence then something like “ oh we both LOVE snowboarding.” But that’s often accompanied by vastly different iq levels, qualifications, social background etc and … well, you can’t help but wonder …

This. My parents have a huge age gap and instead of enjoying her good years while she can, my mum is his carer.

I'm 21 years older than my wife and have kids only a few years younger than her from my first marriage. The only problem is that I'm probably going to die 20 years before her. We're blissfully happy and incredibly compatible.

It is but only up to a point. It can depend on the health of the older person. Someone aged 70 who has lived a healthy life with plenty of physical activity and a good diet can be healthier than most 40 year olds. I have heard of people in the local cycling club in their 80's still going out on double figure mileage club rides. Speaking personally, if I had a partner it would be nice to do hillwalking together in the mountainous parts of the UK, and someone 15 years older than me would probably be unable or unwilling to do the kind of routes I do. With a 15 year age gap I think there is a sweet spot where it can work fine. If one is very young the life experience will be very different, if one is at retirement age, the health of the older one can be an issue.

How does enjoying sex with a much younger woman equate to hating women?

I think the poster meant a sense of misogyny if it is purely physical,

No. People who say “He probably wants a nurse and she probably wants money” about relationships like this are usually picturing a stereotype rather than actual humans with feelings and personalities. 19 years between me and my husband, we knew each other for a few years as friends then started dating when I was 27 and he was 46. Very happy together.

We’re aware of what the age gap could mean for health, but equally I have an autoimmune condition and I’m not likely to enjoy a healthy old age so we’re on a level there… not that that sort of logical “what’s in this relationship for me” thinking is how love works!

edit - replied to wrong person!

It would be an issue for me yes but each to their own of course

Once you reach 25 I think there’s no right or wrong about it- just whatever both parties are happy with as you are both adults. But I would be mindful of being at different life stages (re eg kids, retirement, etc ending up a carer etc).

A friend of mine is 50 and has recently married a 30yo, she’s keen to have kids asap. He already has a 21yo and a 19yo. So it’s basically doing the whole thing over again- quite a thing!