Do you think 15 years age difference is too much?

[cheekycee]

my ex is 44 and I am 29. When we met I was 25 and him 40. Now I have stepped away it came to me that he could literally have a child my age. Is it weird? I didn’t really feel weird when with him although he was ALOT older than me in attitude in some senses (music taste etc). Just wondering - is it weird? Or is it “acceptable” do you think. Curious for opinions :)

Sorry that it didn’t work out :(. I hope you find the most perfect man who treats you just as well (or even better) and you have a happy long lasting serious relationship with him xx

As alluded to above; the "Could you?" thought experiment of picturing yourself dating, or in a relationship with, someone that much younger than yourself is really powerful. More often than not, the answer is "Definitely not."

The question often seems to focus on whether a woman feels it's alright to 'stretch' to a large age gap with an older partner, with few reflecting on why the older male partners aren't also thinking "Definitely not."

In my late teens and 20s, I had quite a few relationships with a 10-15 year age gap, lasting years in some cases. On reflection, although the sex was wonderful, there really were stark differences in life experience, and conversely a sense that I was more mature than those male partners -surprise, surprise.

One of those relationships (11 year difference) has now lasted 22 years (by the seats of our pants). There is no predicting how growing older will impact any of us, but despite a lifetime of clean-living fitness-freakery, DP has had a rough deal of the ageing process and is now experiencing symptoms of wear and tear which look set to impede his capacity for participation and enjoyment in the activities we both enjoy. Were we at a stronger place in our relationship, and had he not grown increasingly patriarchal and grumpy-old-manny with age, I might cherish caring for him, but now I feel deflated at the prospect of the future and am planning my exit.

and had he not grown increasingly patriarchal and grumpy-old-manny with age, I might cherish caring for him, but now I feel deflated at the prospect of the future and am planning my exit.

YES. 100% what happened to me. ExH became so nasty towards me. Patriarchal is a perfect word. The financial abuse, 2nd to none!

I find it most surprising that it only just occurred to you. When I was 25, the idea of a man of 40 seemed a massive age gap. Like "why is this middle aged man talking to me" kind of age gap.

at 50, if a 65 yr old man asked me out on a date, I would think ‘how dare you’, ‘absolutely not’, and ‘as if you’d go out with an 80yr old!’ Just shows an entitlement that is neither appealing nor attractive.

but many women at 30, have no problems at all with 45, but don’t think/don’t want to think along the number line for future.

No. 19 years difference for me and married nearly 20 years. Relationship is still brilliant. Go for it

With a 10 year gap, I find our age gap opens and closes.

It opened up at 35/45 as he hit a middle-aged slump while I was feeling young but bedraggled from young children, and has been a not insignifant reason from stopping at 2 children in my early 30s, and definitely no final flourish children in my 40s. As it is, the university/ retirement years are knocking close to each other.
In mid-40s/50s the gap has closed again, he seems to have pulled through his slump and my energy levels aren't as hyper as they were.

We should have a window of younger retirement together for sharing on positive experiences, but according to averages, I could easily spend my last good years caring for him then hit my advanced old age alone and struggling to adapt to changes.

A 15 year age gap means little time spent in the same life-stage together and I think is getting to the zone where it's hard to pull off happily long term through life.

I have casually dated men 15 years younger and men 15 years older, but would not want that kind of age gap in a life partner/co parent - I think experiences are too different.

I don't think it's "weird" exactly, unless one party is very young, but I think it's unlikely to lead to a successful long term realtionship.

It might work OK in the late 20s, early 40s range, but important life stages won't be aligned. Parenting will have to be delayed for one or very early for the other, same with retirement unless you have one working for a long time after the other has retired and what we want from life does change.

I know two examples currently where the older, previously lively, partner is happy to settle into a quiet retirement and the younger one, still in their 50s and in their prime, is raring for adventure.

I think it is not ideal.
You would be almost different generations with different cultural markers/experiences such as music, social history etc.
The difference between being 16 and 31 is massive in terms of maturity and life experience but it also shows as you get older ie 45 and 60, one still relatively! youthful and active, and one thinking of retirement, possibly starting to have health issues.
Of course having said that it can work. But definitely on cusp of being too big a gap to be really practical imo.

I'm 38 and my DH is 56. I think it depends what the man's like really because my DH is very fit and healthy and to be honest has a lot more energy than me 😅 can totally see the issue when it's a grumpy fucker who's controlling and mysogonist

I think it does work at this age, but when he's 64 and you're 46. That's the age I'm seeing it go wrong. One very career oriented woman's has felt obliged to retire early so they can travel before it's too late. Another friend 15 years younger than his 69 yo wife is really struggling wrh the fact that his previously very fit and adventurous wife now wants to stay home more often than not.

I was 23 when I met my Dh aged 39. We are still together now and I’m 45, he’s 61. We are deliriously happy and still very deeply in love. I don’t think age matters but it’s easy to grow apart.

Yes it is too much. It will get harder as you both age, don’t doubt it

My DH is 17 years older. Met when I was 25 and him 42. We have been together for 9 years. I've always been an 'old head on young shoulders' and always fancied older men.

At 22/23 I had been in a long term relationship with someone my own age, was working long hours and paying a mortgage and bills, etc. My bf was immature and selfish, like most people in their 20s.

When we broke up he moved out and the house was eventually sold. I dated a few people, got talking to men on nights out and it quickly solidified that I couldn't stand men my own age. I still can't now.

I notice a lot of women on MN talking about power imbalance. I think looking at an age gap relationship and believing this to be an automatic feature is bullshit. It's is down to the individuals. Many women are getting pushed around and taken advantage of by men a few years older.

That being said it is important what ages the people involved are at the start. My age gap relationship would have been revolting as a 17 year old girl with a 34 year old man. Now I am nearly 34 and he is 50, I don't think anyone bats an eye and don't particularly care if they do.

Going forward the age gap doesn't worry me. We all die and some of us are lucky enough to get old before that happens. There is no guarantee that a husband your own age won't become gravely ill or disabled. That's life.

I don't believe in limiting my enjoyment right now on the whim of future 'what ifs.'

Not for me at all and when young I was asked out by older men, the oldest by about 19 years. I just thought who the hell do you think you are and was repulsed if honest.

Yup. Exactly the age the rot starts to creep in.

Funnily enough, I would go 15 years younger but never 15 years older. I just don’t find older men attractive at all. I like youthful looks, a great physique and a fun, easygoing attitude and this is invariably better found in younger men. I feel young/immature for my age and I picture an older boyfriend ‘ageing’ me in some way. I’m also fiercely independent and older partners think they know best and can be controlling / the dominant in the relationship. Not for me.

I was 23 when I met my husband, he was 39. We’ve been married 30 years, which was 10 years too long for me. Now separated and realise how shit my life has become being dragged down by a miserable, boring old man.

i met my ex DH when I was 27 and he was 44. We married within a year and stayed married for 20 years and had two children. The age gap barely noticed (except for musical tastes) and there was a lot of love there. The break down of the marriage had little to do with our ages. I don’t understand the current revulsion at age gaps - if it’s about power, I’d say I had the lion’s share in that relationship. In love, you really can’t generalise. What works for some people doesn’t for others.

37 & 81....Mick jagger and girlfriend.
Who have been together since 2014 so was then 26 & 70.
I wounder what first attracted her to the multimillionaire popstar? 🤣

My husband is 15 years older than me, been together over 20 years. When we were both fit and healthy it was great, but now he's ageing and not in great health I can see myself becoming his carer within the next 5 years, not an appealing prospect. We have a lovely relationship otherwise, but I'm quite grumpy at the prospect of spending my retirement years as a carer

I'm late 50s and agree with pp, it's when you get older it could be an issue.
I've a friend who retired at65 well and raring to go. Her dh is 80 and wants to sit in a chair all day.

I don't think it's morally wrong and if it works, great. However I'm in a relationship with a 12 year gap and I see it differently now to when it started. When I was 28 and he was 40, I thought we were on the same wavelength. From my perspective at the time, we were.

However now I'm 40, I look at 28 year olds and realise we aren't on the same wavelength at all! They seem like children to me (not in a negative way, we are just at very different life stages). I now realise that's how my husband perceived me back then, but he didn't care. He didnt care about connecting with his partner deeply, he just wanted to look at someone younger and get his children.

If you think that is strange. Someone I work with who is 55 is married to someone who is 32 (second marriage). - his first child is 33 - so older than his wife…..

Think the age gap there (whilst the relationship is legal) is odd - one will be retiring in the next 5-12 years whereas the wife has at least another 30 years till retirement age.