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Original poster

How can we help adult son to launch

122 replies

Needstolaunch · 09/04/2025 15:02

Deliberately keeping this vague.

Adult son, 25, earns £34 K a year has a degree, is working full time.

Never lived away from home. A total and utter inertia to anything including looking for new job or area, going on holiday. He has one friend from school that is unemployed and living at home and similar.

Will not see a GP under any circumstances and is very vocal about it. - I put this in, in case someone takes about depression etc - he doesn’t seem depressed, he had always been the way he is.

Drives a car. Owns a car.

We have offered a huge deposit to help him buy. We have offered to help him get a mortgage.

Over the last year he has talked about renting as we want him to live independently which he is more than capable of doing. He is lazy and if allowed would quite happily accept someone else cleaning, cooking etc for him. In the last year, he has not arranged a single viewing for a property so DH and I have told him by Christmas he needs to be out. He can come back twice a week for meals and talk to us daily, but he needs to launch.

He initially talked about buying. Then renting. He rejects every property available for rent - reached breaking point today as he said he couldn’t look at x property and would not even say why- the area he wanted, within his budget etc He doesn’t even particularly socialise with us.

Anyone successfully got an adult to launch. We have a time frame now. Younger siblings launching etc

His hobbies are scrolling on his phone (funny ideas there and recently become more misogynistic which is challenged daily by DH and I) and nothing really. Spends most of his time in ‘his room’. He will cook but moans about it. Likewise he will do chores when directed. We do challenge him and like yesterday said they were all coming on a walk etc we love him but we need him to move out and be independent.

He does not pay rent but a contribution to bills and has saved £25 K plus. We are willing to gift him £50 K which is our savings.

2 younger siblings with no failure to launch one already at university in halls and one going in 2 years but already can’t wait and both contribute.

Please he is NT, no mental health issues. He is very tight with money etc please no we are bad parents why can’t he stay, he’s just a child etc

OP posts:

JaneBoulton · 09/04/2025 15:09

Are you also offering your other kids 50k to 'launch?'

I have no advice OP but giving him a time limit will hopefully put pressure on him to get his shit together. He's going to struggle with future partners if he doesn't have anything going for him and will fall behind from his peers.

DenholmElliot11 · 09/04/2025 15:10

launch lol

theemmadilemma · 09/04/2025 15:10

He might need the short sharp shock treatment of finding that you stick to your deadline.

Keep reinforcing it. Start packing his stuff when he's at work, let him know his stuff will be on the doorstep on that date, if he has somewhere to go or not.

It sounds terrible. But sometimes that's what it takes.

(I stormed out from my parents and found I wasn't allowed back... it was the making of me...)

Saveafun · 09/04/2025 15:13

Oh, my son is 24, similar salary, owns and runs a car, pulls his weight at home when asked, but does need to be asked. Kind to his grandparents. No indication that he's in a rush to leave home.

I thought I'd done quite well with him 🤣

Why does your son need to leave? I feel rather sorry for him.

groovylady · 09/04/2025 15:15

Give him a date.
Tell him that's it.
Start packing his stuff.
But...please. Don't give him £50k if you can't do that for the other dc.
Let him rent.
A lot of young people do.

Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 09/04/2025 15:17

He's too comfortable as he is.
You should be charging him rent and utility comparable to what he would pay for his own place. No laundry service, cooking or shopping. Tough love!

redcord · 09/04/2025 15:18

2 younger siblings with no failure to launch one already at university in halls and one going in 2 years but already can’t wait and both contribute.

What do you mean by 'failure to launch'? Because your eldest has a degree, a driving licence, own transport and a full-time job. Sounds pretty good so far.

Of your other two - one is at uni so presumably comes home in the holidays?And the other is still - at school? Living at home but 'can't wait' to go to uni. So is saying they can't wait to go to uni 'launching'?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/04/2025 15:18

Saveafun · 09/04/2025 15:13

Oh, my son is 24, similar salary, owns and runs a car, pulls his weight at home when asked, but does need to be asked. Kind to his grandparents. No indication that he's in a rush to leave home.

I thought I'd done quite well with him 🤣

Why does your son need to leave? I feel rather sorry for him.

Plenty of reasons listed right there in the OP explaining why he doesn’t deserve the poor him treatment. Dear god.

OP, he’s not taking you seriously so you need to make it clear that the deadline is something you’re sticking to and he can piss around with his head in the sand refusing viewings or he can make sure he’s got somewhere else to live as you won’t be accommodating him after the date you’ve given him.

Unless you can give each of your kids £50k you obviously can’t give it to him as you’ll be penalising them for making their own lives and rewarding him for his inertia.

VeryQuaintIrene · 09/04/2025 15:20

Why is he not paying rent since he has a job? Perhaps I am misunderstanding, but you are willing to give your 50K entire savings to this lazy, tight bum?! If I were one of his siblings I would be furious.

MissJoGrant · 09/04/2025 15:22

Agree with other posters - definitely don't give him your savings! He has enough money for a deposit for a house.
Setting a deadline was a good idea but he has to believe you'll actually move him out (and you have to believe it too).

CountryQueen · 09/04/2025 15:23

What’s with all the launching? Are you AI??

jellyfishperiwinkle · 09/04/2025 15:23

Saveafun · 09/04/2025 15:13

Oh, my son is 24, similar salary, owns and runs a car, pulls his weight at home when asked, but does need to be asked. Kind to his grandparents. No indication that he's in a rush to leave home.

I thought I'd done quite well with him 🤣

Why does your son need to leave? I feel rather sorry for him.

I wouldn't mind 24- DD will be at university until then, but in ten years' time and working full time, with a very generous offer for a deposit?

mindutopia · 09/04/2025 15:23

Christ on a stick, I was mid 30s, married with a PhD, one child, and had been living independently for about 18 years already before I was making a £34k salary!

I think you’ve been too gentle and given him too long a time frame. December is too far. He can get a room as a lodger in about a month. He doesn’t need to buy! He has never even lived alone. He should not be buying a property when he has no idea what his needs even are. Make sure you’re giving your other two £50k as well or you will lose them. I bet they have long resented what an easy life he’s had.

Bluevelvetsofa · 09/04/2025 15:24

I think that a mid twenties adult should be ready to lead an independent life, with the opportunity to learn the skills of budgeting, running a home, maintaining a property and everything that goes with being an adult.

He needs a timescale for getting his act together and moving out.

ScentOfAMoomin · 09/04/2025 15:25

Give him a deadline

Kelse789 · 09/04/2025 15:25

I misread and thought you said 35 and was fully sympathising with you. 25 is not really that old to still be at home surely. I wouldn't give him all your savings when there's another 2 siblings who will be expecting the same.

Thesoundofmusic23 · 09/04/2025 15:29

I would say his contribution to housekeeping rises by £100 each month until he moves out - might motivate him to get looking. And he should have a list of chores he does for the household including cooking family meal 2 days a week or whatever and he just has to do it. Light a fire under his bum as it were.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/04/2025 15:30

ScentOfAMoomin · 09/04/2025 15:25

Give him a deadline

She has. It’s literally in her first post.

ViciousCurrentBun · 09/04/2025 15:44

My DS is 24 and on a very similar salary, he has a lot of friends and interests a GF and I am not involved with any washing or room and he does do some chores. Mine has joked he is not a full adult yet as not lived alone.

Mine is welcome as long as he wants so he can save up. It’s not like when we were young as so expensive. But are you more concerned he is at home or are you more concerned with his misogyny and folding in on himself? Now that’s the real worry not that he is at home but his misogyny, seems like a prime candidate for Andrew Tate.

ackarackaru · 09/04/2025 15:50

Why on earth are you giving him 50k?

and in the event he has 75k for a deposit (because presumably you’re giving your other two 50k each too) why the hell are you letting him waste money on rent?

its too cushty at home OP. No rent, housework done, most meals provided, no need to buy own food etc. I’m sure you probably clean his pants still. Change that set up and he’ll be desperate to leave as no benefit being at home!

Minimalistmamaoftwo · 09/04/2025 15:54

My brother was very similar, met a girl, moved in with her prettty much immediately. They split and my mum bought him a house, met another girl and sold the house to buy a bigger one and now having a baby. He’s now got a great job, does his share at home and is just generally independent, unfortunately it was meeting a girl

HappyHedgehog247 · 09/04/2025 16:02

When you say he has always been the way he is, how did this show up at school? Did he go straight from school to work? What excites and engages him? Has he always been socially isolated? You can do all the behavioural leverage of carrot (deposit) and stick (deadline), but what is missing here is motivation and will. So I am curious about that. Does he feel incapable of living independently, does he feel a child still somehow, does he feel 'owed' a living somehow.

HappyHedgehog247 · 09/04/2025 16:02

Therapy is the answer but he might not want to go.

gattocattivo · 09/04/2025 16:07

Don’t reward him for being lazy and avoiding growing up and behaving like an adult. It’s hardly going to help him and is a bloody kick in the teeth to your other children

Thestarsinthesky · 09/04/2025 16:08

DenholmElliot11 · 09/04/2025 15:10

launch lol

Yes what does this mean? Do they mean to move out?

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