How can we help adult son to launch

[Needstolaunch]

Deliberately keeping this vague.

Adult son, 25, earns £34 K a year has a degree, is working full time.

Never lived away from home. A total and utter inertia to anything including looking for new job or area, going on holiday. He has one friend from school that is unemployed and living at home and similar.

Will not see a GP under any circumstances and is very vocal about it. - I put this in, in case someone takes about depression etc - he doesn’t seem depressed, he had always been the way he is.

Drives a car. Owns a car.

We have offered a huge deposit to help him buy. We have offered to help him get a mortgage.

Over the last year he has talked about renting as we want him to live independently which he is more than capable of doing. He is lazy and if allowed would quite happily accept someone else cleaning, cooking etc for him. In the last year, he has not arranged a single viewing for a property so DH and I have told him by Christmas he needs to be out. He can come back twice a week for meals and talk to us daily, but he needs to launch.

He initially talked about buying. Then renting. He rejects every property available for rent - reached breaking point today as he said he couldn’t look at x property and would not even say why- the area he wanted, within his budget etc He doesn’t even particularly socialise with us.

Anyone successfully got an adult to launch. We have a time frame now. Younger siblings launching etc

His hobbies are scrolling on his phone (funny ideas there and recently become more misogynistic which is challenged daily by DH and I) and nothing really. Spends most of his time in ‘his room’. He will cook but moans about it. Likewise he will do chores when directed. We do challenge him and like yesterday said they were all coming on a walk etc we love him but we need him to move out and be independent.

He does not pay rent but a contribution to bills and has saved £25 K plus. We are willing to gift him £50 K which is our savings.

2 younger siblings with no failure to launch one already at university in halls and one going in 2 years but already can’t wait and both contribute.

Please he is NT, no mental health issues. He is very tight with money etc please no we are bad parents why can’t he stay, he’s just a child etc

No he has refused.

What do you mean he's refused? He shouldn't have had a choice.

He isn’t launching into the grown up world that involves independence / social and interpersonal functioning
this is problematic
he does need to launch but with 50k. As a carrot and no launch he may require a different approach??

Why are you so sure he is neurotypical? Has he been through assessments?

We will hopefully be in position to do so in 5 years for both of the others, yes. They will all be treated fairly and get an equal share. We are not (thank god) in a bad financial situation. We both have quite large lump sums coming our way within the next 5/6 years that means we can help all the DC the same, the others are younger and doing much longer degrees so it will be they all get the same amount at the same age. If we gift eldest our savings now and it helps him to buy or be independent that we have decided between us that we will. We earn good salaries in stable jobs.

As a last resort, wait until the younger two have left home, then sell up and downsize and tell him there is no bedroom for him at the new place.

It’s been and gone and nearly 10 years ago now. It’s not relevant. He refused to live in hall and it was hard enough to get him to go. Please leave it there.

Our job as parents is to see our kids leave the nest and become independent, functional adults. And every time he protests, you point this out to him.

Ignore other posters who seem to think that it's unreasonable to insist that a 25 year old flies. This man wants to marry, and who's going to choose a partner who lives with mummy and daddy and won't do any chores unless he's absolutely forced to?

It’s not relevant to some extent now, he refuses to look into it and will not engage with anyone on any level, therapy, counselling or assessments and would not when he was younger.

Middle sibling is ASC and diagnosed - currently doing a medical degree.

DH is saying it on a weekly basis - actually it’s the 1 st December. But 4 months in - not one viewing.

I have friends in the same situation. They're selling up and downsizing as it's the only way to get their 30 year old failure to launch wants to be Bob Dylan beat poet son out of their living situation.

Right, but he's 25 now. So give him a deadline and tell him he needs to grow up and stand on his own two feet. You're doing him no favours by coddling him.

No I’m not. The film ‘failure to launch’ was one DH watched when we were younger. It was about a man still living at home when adult and I was trying to find a suitable title - my humour apologies. No parallels with the movie I’m afraid though.

Another poster phrased it better than me it’s living independently from your parents. For me I left home at 18 for university and so did DH.

He's got a decently-paid job and has saved, which is good. Assume he drives to work.
Does he want more friendships? It's not really for us to police our young adults' social life even if we think they should be socialising more. I would be worried abou the misogynistic tendencies though. Incel culture is rife.
I would be asking for market-rate rent.
I wouldn't be givng him £50K to 'launch'.
My nephew is a bit older than your DS and has just got himself his first professional job and still lives at home and he has a good amount of savings so he could easily move out withoug having to save up rent/mortgage, but life is too 'easy' for him at home.

Some comments are downright nasty. When did MN become like this.

I’ve been called a mug by one poster. And others like this. I don’t clean his pants and neither does DH. All the kids have done their own laundry since 14. He cooks and buys and does two meals a week and two lots of washing up. He will do jobs but this involves us managing him - giving him a list, checking it is done - it’s exhausting. Other one (and middle one before they went to uni) just did - without being asked. Eg hoovered the house etc they are active with social life, helping, put the bins or recycling out without being asked. It’s not that we haven’t had these conversations with the eldest. He mutters and then does …. Nothing. Lazy, lax, inertia - whatever words you use. He needs to rent, lodge, buy whatever and has options - just no engagement.

Why did you give him a deadline so far away? I’d have said two months - and you’re out. It’s too far into the future to be meaningful to him. Give him till the end of May. Then pack a bag with a weeks worth of stuff and boot him
out - he can stay in a hotel if he needs to.

Tell you what op, he'd be seen as the ideal son in Asian circles: wants to live at home with parents forever and he'd likely be up for an arranged marriage

He mutters and then does …. Nothing. Lazy, lax, inertia - whatever words you use. He needs to rent, lodge, buy whatever and has options - just no engagement.

Of course he doesn't do anything - why would he? He has a great set-up. He doesn't pay any rent, he has 25 grand in his savings and doesn't need to do any chores unless he's asked.

As PP said, a deadline in 8 months time is so far away as to be utterly pointless. I would give him until June 1st (being generous) and tell him he needs to go and stand on his own two feet. Pack a bag and change the locks if you have to. He's an adult - it's time for him to fly.

I've seen the film - Matthew McConnaughy iirc (probably spelt wrong).

Its a well known phrase.

It sounds like either his personality is just to have zero ambition, he has a diagnosable disorder or he’s had some type of trauma that you might not know about.

but it does sound like you’ve pretty much done all you can to get to the bottom of it

has he expressed any interest in going overseas? Could you manhandle him into going to Australia for a working holiday visa? I say Australia because any easier place to settle into.

Do not give him 50k! The problem isn't a lack of money so giving him money won't fix it and it will break your heart to watch him squander your hard earned savings.

So he is doing some stuff eg laundry. I think from what you’ve said you’re right about the moving out but December is ages away.

I definitely think charging rent is the way to go here.

All I’m thinking is that going to uni is usually a jumping off point for most people. Or having a serious relationship.

I wouldn’t give him money but make it clear that after a certain date he will be expected to pay rent and pull his weight.

It's really unusual for a 25 year old to only have one friend.

I'd question ND. The total lack of motivation also begs the question does he smoke weed.

Do you think he’s paranoid about saving money, OP? Could that explain why he won’t shell out for rent or a mortgage?