How can we help adult son to launch

[Needstolaunch]

Deliberately keeping this vague.

Adult son, 25, earns £34 K a year has a degree, is working full time.

Never lived away from home. A total and utter inertia to anything including looking for new job or area, going on holiday. He has one friend from school that is unemployed and living at home and similar.

Will not see a GP under any circumstances and is very vocal about it. - I put this in, in case someone takes about depression etc - he doesn’t seem depressed, he had always been the way he is.

Drives a car. Owns a car.

We have offered a huge deposit to help him buy. We have offered to help him get a mortgage.

Over the last year he has talked about renting as we want him to live independently which he is more than capable of doing. He is lazy and if allowed would quite happily accept someone else cleaning, cooking etc for him. In the last year, he has not arranged a single viewing for a property so DH and I have told him by Christmas he needs to be out. He can come back twice a week for meals and talk to us daily, but he needs to launch.

He initially talked about buying. Then renting. He rejects every property available for rent - reached breaking point today as he said he couldn’t look at x property and would not even say why- the area he wanted, within his budget etc He doesn’t even particularly socialise with us.

Anyone successfully got an adult to launch. We have a time frame now. Younger siblings launching etc

His hobbies are scrolling on his phone (funny ideas there and recently become more misogynistic which is challenged daily by DH and I) and nothing really. Spends most of his time in ‘his room’. He will cook but moans about it. Likewise he will do chores when directed. We do challenge him and like yesterday said they were all coming on a walk etc we love him but we need him to move out and be independent.

He does not pay rent but a contribution to bills and has saved £25 K plus. We are willing to gift him £50 K which is our savings.

2 younger siblings with no failure to launch one already at university in halls and one going in 2 years but already can’t wait and both contribute.

Please he is NT, no mental health issues. He is very tight with money etc please no we are bad parents why can’t he stay, he’s just a child etc

I know you’ve said he’s NT, OP, but it’s pretty unusual for a typically developing young man to be a homebody to such an extreme extent. The lack of friends / romantic interests / general get-up-and-go does suggest to me there is something underlying this besides laziness.

Why are you managing the life of a 25 year old in any shape or form?

Honestly, you are making it too easy and comfortable for him. He isn't taking on responsibility because you enable him not to. Then wonder why he isn't.

You are definitely part of the problem. Setting a deadline for December says a lot. He isn't going to take that seriously because it's so far away. He won't shift when it gets to October/November because he knows he can effectively call your bluff and you'll not do anything when he runs past December.

The only way he will get the message is if you get tough and stop enabling him and making it easy /ignorable.

I personally think you sound live very good parents who are trying you best with him, not sure there is much more you can do aside from to keep encouraging him to look at properties and stick to your deadline.
For the next few months while he is living put up a chores to do list for him on the wall with days those chores need to be done without prompting ( include cooking a few times a week) to hopefully get him a bit more house trained before he leaves so he will be able to look after himself when he leaves.
If he is after becoming a bit misogynistic question him about what he is watching on his phone as if he gets into that mind frame he will never be able to hold down a relationship with any woman , romantic wise or not

He’s 25 and it’s time yo stand on his feet. I think it’s ok to want that. Nothing to feel sorry about

OP why don’t you start charging him rent?

Decrease gift about every 6 months by £1,000

Tell him you will give it to siblings …

Last night DH and I had a huge long chat which he didn’t want to have (son). He had a million excuses why he wasn’t looking or contacting any rentals etc and so on. We said the 1 st December was a hard deadline and he had to be out by then (this was for him to find somewhere to buy) but really needed him to go now if he is wanting to rent.

He was called up on multiple issues and was deflecting every point. Eg DH said here are two properties to view -his response I can’t Easter is coming up and I will busy. No you aren’t, we aren’t doing anything for Easter, you haven’t got any social events etc Son admitted he is stalling (of course) and we pointed out these are all words we have been hearing for the last 4 years since he graduated. There is always an excuse and we can’t enable it any longer.

He wasn’t happy we have made him viewings. And he then took himself to bed saying he was done talking about it.

DH got up this morning (we are having a couple of days of holiday) and spoke to him alone and said he has to go. He finally got out of him some numbers and son is saving well over £1200 a month into his savings. He has well over £25 K now and is saving £15 K a year and living a very nice life in our house. He, of course, doesn’t want this to stop. And it won’t. Unless we do something.

By sheer chance looking on spare rooms we discovered someone in the same street is offering a double room in their house for £800 a month including bills. So DH has messaged him asking for a viewing. We also need to put our rent over this so DH suggested £1000 a month to start with excluding food and then increasing it to make it (being with us) a less attractive option.

Regarding policing a 25+ year old on their phone (he owns his own phone etc) we can’t do this. We can challenge misogynist leanings and do and have. He had some unhealthy view points on Covid in lockdown. Believe me both myself and his sister and DH and his younger brother all challenge them.

DH is well aware that DS will be on to other family members today about us, and playing the card of how hard done he is. So we are going to head this off at the pass if we can.

Regarding if he is depressed or MH or ND. We don’t think so but we can’t do anything - as he will not engage.

We can’t move or downsize - this is our forever home. Neither of his siblings do this. One was in hall and then house share and looking forward to although a long course (I think they have about 4 years to go) they are passionate about their career, a rewarding career and they are passionate about travel, social life etc The youngest wants to do uni and then join the army and travel, he’s always out with a football or playing or catching up with mates or reading or whatever.

Eldest has always been this way. So believe me as a child we tried everything to ignite a spark or passion for something. At uni they joined no clubs, made no friends etc you can’t force them, encourage and try to invest in a toolkit to help them but we can’t do it for him. We challenge his views.

We have just booked another house viewing for the weekend.

We also looking at the possibility of buying another smaller house and renting it to him. That’s financially possible. Although we would want a formal legal renting agreement etc and money up front etc

Son wants a wife and children or says he does. The fact remains that his view is he is a great catch ‘degree, stable job, earning’ etc reality check ‘no friends (not really), no fitness (he won’t even go cycling with DH or out for a walk with us), no interests, no social life, allergic to housework etc and just wants to scroll on his phone all evening and do nothing - any woman with any common sense would swerve him and indeed has up to now. She would find out very quickly that she would be booking everything eg holiday and he would not be paying or wanting to go any where etc so I don’t think this is likely. Sadly it is a conclusion we have tried to help with - challenge etc but we have gone as far down that road as we want to.

What is likely is without action - he will still be here in 20 years or 40 years. Growing resentment from siblings etc and it will be exactly the same except he will have £200 K in the bank and not £25 K. Without action I can see DH and I being long gone and his siblings being unable to get him out of the family home.

DH and I are on holiday next week. Eldest we found out last night has taken a few days off work next week. His younger sibling is going away with a friend, middle sibling is at uni and we asked what he was doing - having a rest is what he said! He will put his feet up and scroll all week. That’s another issue.

Any way thanks for all the tips especially the SPACE one link @drspouse I think it was that is helpful.

Hopefully I will have an update before December !!

@Needstolaunch I apologise if my post came across as rude - it’s how I talk IRL but obviously you can’t hear the humour via written text. If we were f2f I’d be laughing and obviously having a conversational response before asking the next questions.

We all moved home after uni/stayed home for uni.
It seemed logical in a spacious house and meant we could save up. We did our own chores.

its actually logical and sensible to let children save up a decent cushion

House shares are often grim, renting a whole flat when you could save is illogical

We all live very independently now. I never got the judgement from a few family friends.

Your son has a job, is saving up not wasting money. He's driving and running a car. Make sure you aren't catering for him or doing his laundry. Be glad his salary isn't finding some ghastly private landlord

I knew it was cushy for him - that’s not a dig, as, up until a certain point, as you’ve found yourself here, that’s what being a good parent is all about. But he has plenty of savings there! Good for him. Don’t give him money, unless you can immediately give all of your children the same.

Failure to launch is a thing and getting worse.
You're missing a trick here you're saying he's tight with money. You want 1500 quid a month from him from.now on.

@Needstolaunch late to here!! where do you get the saying "launch"??? any normal person say leave home not launch!!!

It's a well known phrase that was the title of a movie several years ago starring Matthew McConaghy (sp?) and Sarah Jessica Parker.

He's comfortable, that's all.

My kids left for uni/jobs and didn't come back, apart from the odd holiday, because I was a single mum of five so couldn't afford nice food/heating/constant hot water and lived in a house that was cheap, so falling down. They all moved out as soon as they could, even though they would have preferred to live at home and be 'cared for' without any responsibility for houses. But the house was so cold and damp, they preferred to houseshare than to live at home.

Which is why I think he's just too comfortable. I'm not suggesting you turn the heating off and shut off the hot water (it was grim, tbh), but maybe make it a bit less easy for him to sit around and not do much?

It is an enormous red flag that he would get in touch with relatives and badmouth you to them, portray himself as the victim of an injustice, etc.

This is a young man who has something really wrong with him. Manipulative, selfish, and entitled.

I'd get your side of the story out there before he does, and prime the relatives he's most likely to contact to laugh at him to his face.

Your son sounds very much like mine but undiagnosed. My son has a diagnosis of ASD/ADHD. He is academically intelligent but deliberately chose the local uni with a lower offer so he could live at home. He is only on campus for lectures and classes and DSA support. I can’t force him to socialise.

Crucially I know his behaviour is not because he is selfish or taking the piss but because he is autistic. Having a diagnosed sibling makes it more likely that the older brother is also autistic. All autistic people have different profiles. Your older son may have known his limits whilst the younger, seemingly more independent, crashes and burns and returns home in crisis.

I think your issue is how to appropriately parent ASD DC, diagnosed or not.

What is he actually doing in his room all the time. I suspect he has a large group of ‘online friends’ and a bit of an internet addiction which is fuelling his inertia. The real world is pointless when you can have this online life which you can access at a click of a button

@PocketSand You may be right that he's undiagnosed ASD, but does that mean that he needs to live at his parent’s home indefinitely? He works, earns well, and can afford his own place.

I’m genuinely asking, not being goady, because it sounds as if he could live independently.

Well if you have a social communication disorder that means you struggle with face to face interaction and all the unwritten rules it involves, especially if diagnosed late or undiagnosed, online communication is easier. There is no issue of appropriate eye contact or facial expression or reciprocal conversation with no interrupting or monologuing. The real world is not pointless. It’s just inaccessible. My son is no more addicted to online communication than a NT is addicted to real world communication. Both fulfil a need to communicate with others. There are plenty of people in the NT world with objectionable views that are less easy to block!

@BruFord since you are not being goady - there is a lot more to being able to live independently than being able to afford it. The OPs DS has not formed an independent network of people that care about him, spend time with him or will support him when/if he struggles. He is not in a relationship and has no close friends. He has had the opportunity to build these but has not done so. Forcing him to leave his home will not magically enable him to do so. He will likely be alone and continue to be unable to make friends. And paying high rent to live with strangers in a stressful situation than calm in his family home.

This is not the way to enable eventual independent living. The OP is staking everything on her son being NT. And therefore being unreasonable, selfish, entitled - even an incel. Would OP give a diagnosed autistic son the same ultimatums? Seems the diagnosis means more than the difficulties the person has.

On the other hand, as we discovered in the pandemic, someone who has no previous issues can become extremely anxious about going outside if they never, ever go outside.
And that's what the OP's son is doing.

@PocketSand The OP did mention renting a room in her last post, but initially I had the impression that they were encouraging him to buy -or rent first and then buy. He has the means to be choosy, tbh, he wouldn’t have to live with strangers if he didn’t want to and if he’s local, his family can still support him while he’s living independently.

They could definitely wait a couple more years for sure, but his parents believe that if they don’t push him, he’ll stay indefinitely-and they don’t think that it would be best for him longterm. 🤷