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Original poster

How can we help adult son to launch

122 replies

Needstolaunch · 09/04/2025 15:02

Deliberately keeping this vague.

Adult son, 25, earns £34 K a year has a degree, is working full time.

Never lived away from home. A total and utter inertia to anything including looking for new job or area, going on holiday. He has one friend from school that is unemployed and living at home and similar.

Will not see a GP under any circumstances and is very vocal about it. - I put this in, in case someone takes about depression etc - he doesn’t seem depressed, he had always been the way he is.

Drives a car. Owns a car.

We have offered a huge deposit to help him buy. We have offered to help him get a mortgage.

Over the last year he has talked about renting as we want him to live independently which he is more than capable of doing. He is lazy and if allowed would quite happily accept someone else cleaning, cooking etc for him. In the last year, he has not arranged a single viewing for a property so DH and I have told him by Christmas he needs to be out. He can come back twice a week for meals and talk to us daily, but he needs to launch.

He initially talked about buying. Then renting. He rejects every property available for rent - reached breaking point today as he said he couldn’t look at x property and would not even say why- the area he wanted, within his budget etc He doesn’t even particularly socialise with us.

Anyone successfully got an adult to launch. We have a time frame now. Younger siblings launching etc

His hobbies are scrolling on his phone (funny ideas there and recently become more misogynistic which is challenged daily by DH and I) and nothing really. Spends most of his time in ‘his room’. He will cook but moans about it. Likewise he will do chores when directed. We do challenge him and like yesterday said they were all coming on a walk etc we love him but we need him to move out and be independent.

He does not pay rent but a contribution to bills and has saved £25 K plus. We are willing to gift him £50 K which is our savings.

2 younger siblings with no failure to launch one already at university in halls and one going in 2 years but already can’t wait and both contribute.

Please he is NT, no mental health issues. He is very tight with money etc please no we are bad parents why can’t he stay, he’s just a child etc

OP posts:
TheDandyLion · 09/04/2025 16:15

Let him figure it out for himself. He's applied himself enough to keep hold of a full time job but he's chosing the lazy option to stay at home even with £75k available to him. Stick to the deadline and he'll have to learn his own independance.

RedToothBrush · 09/04/2025 16:20

Stop cooking for him, doing his shopping for him, cleaning for him and doing his washing for him for starters!!!

ClawsandEffect · 09/04/2025 16:21

You need to make his life at home so uncomfortable he wants to leave. I know it's hard, but it's the only you can shift them when they're too comfortable. You need to be blunt with him. 'You can't live here anymore. We both want you to move out. It's not your home, it's ours.'

AND charge him a sensible rent until he goes. If your mortgage is £1000, charge him £250 plus bills plus food. His share as if it's a house share.

Stop cooking for him. Don't do his laundry. Don't buy food he likes. Don't clean his room. Any extras he currently has, stop.

I've been where you are now. Took me three years to get him out, but now he's gone it's BLISS.

Starlight1984 · 09/04/2025 16:25

Am I missing something? I thought launch meant that he was starting a business?

Anyway, your adult son has £25k plus of his own money and you are offering him £50k. So he essentially has a £75k deposit for a house? And a salary of £34k?

please no we are bad parents why can’t he stay, he’s just a child etc

Why would anyone say he's a child? He's a 25 year old man with a degree and a full time career. You've given him a deadline of Christmas to find a place. End of story. You don't need to help him "launch" 🙄

TheCurious0range · 09/04/2025 16:25

I moved home after uni, got a job it was ok well paid but didn't love it, was unwilling to make financial commitments based on that eg where to live, got made redundant it was actually very helpful. I went back to the drawing board got a job in a field I was actually passionate about, started in the October bought my flat with an easy commute to new workplace six months later. He needs to find something he is passionate about to put down roots.

Kindling1970 · 09/04/2025 16:26

His salary is pretty good for his age. Can’t he rent rather than buy? Seems a bit unfair on your other kids to give him all of your savings.

stop cooking for him, washing his clothes and make him pay decent rent.

too comfortable at home.

faerietales · 09/04/2025 16:27

Why does he need 50k? Confused

He earns 34k a year - just tell him he needs to move out!

FortyElephants · 09/04/2025 16:30

Failure to launch is a rubbish romcom movie with Sarah Jessica Parker. It means failing to leave home and start a proper grown up life.

Why doesn't he pay rent? Start charging rent. And you've given him 9 months notice to move out for goodness sake. Make life at home less comfortable and tell him to either move into rented or have an offer made on a house by the end of June. And don't give him your savings FGS!

1apenny2apenny · 09/04/2025 16:31

I would be charging rent and expecting him to buy his own food.

Does he wfh?

You’ve briefly mentioned chores - what does he do? What do you do? Still doing his laundry, washing up, cooking? More info needed.

Zezet · 09/04/2025 16:49

The idea of rewarding laziness with 50k at the expense of your other children! :-o

Give him notice, and that's it.

TheGrimSmile · 09/04/2025 16:53

Has he ever lived away from home ie at uni?

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 09/04/2025 16:53

He needs to be doing more than cooking now and again and doing chores when directed. Do a rota where he meal plans and cooks for everyone 2-3 times a week and give home set chores to do every day. Tell him it's a non negotiable part of living in the house.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 09/04/2025 16:55

Do NOT give him your £50k!! Unless you can give them the same. He doesn’t even pay you rent and has savings
He works and has a decent salary
He is taking the absolute piss, and you are enabling this
You are doing him no favours whatsoever
Tough love is needed
I I wouldn’t be looking up rental options either. He’s more than capable of doing this in his own room
As he is NT he has a severe case of Lazyitis
It’s not his age it’s his attitude

AgnesX · 09/04/2025 16:57

I'd not be happy if my parent gave my sibling a lump sum to move out and not offer the same to me. That would be so unfair.

Just as a side issue, if that's your savings what are you going to do without it. Highly unlikely that you'll ever see it again.

NC28 · 09/04/2025 16:57

OP, you’re the latest poster in a long line of mugs I’m afraid.

A fully grown, functioning adult is rewarded with £50K for being lazy?

If you give him a deadline to leave, you need to stick to that, or else he’ll be 40 and living with you.

ChompandaGrazia · 09/04/2025 16:58

If he’s got a degree did he not move out when he was at university?

LittleLabrador · 09/04/2025 17:00

Don’t give him £50k if you aren’t going to be able to give the other the same. It really wouldn’t be fair. I don’t think 25 is too old to be at home but he absolutely should be paying rent and making his own food/doing own washing.

why does he need to look for a new job?

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 09/04/2025 17:01

Give him a deadline and meantime stop making life at home easy for him. Make him do his own washing, cleaning chores around the house, cooking for you all etc and mucking in properly as part of the home, daily. Also, start charging him rent and lay out firm conditions of cohabiting until he leaves. Anything that you're doing to make his life easier, stop. He needs a short, sharp shock to jolt him into being an adult.

BruFord · 09/04/2025 17:03

PLEASE don’t give him your savings, it’ll leave you in a vulnerable financial position, plus what about your other children? You can’t give one £50 K and the others nothing.

As PP’s have said, he needs some deadlines to get moving. Personally, I don’t think that he absolutely has to move out at 25, but he needs to be contributing/doing more for the household and getting his eye in on properties isn’t a bad thing. He needs to have a plan.

renoleno · 09/04/2025 17:08

Saveafun · 09/04/2025 15:13

Oh, my son is 24, similar salary, owns and runs a car, pulls his weight at home when asked, but does need to be asked. Kind to his grandparents. No indication that he's in a rush to leave home.

I thought I'd done quite well with him 🤣

Why does your son need to leave? I feel rather sorry for him.

Because independent living is a critical element of adult development. Being an adult isn't just paying bills and being kind - it's knowing how to look after yourself, think yourself without your parents organising your life for you. It builds confidence and self esteem and means he can share the mental load and life admin in relationships.

Buttonknot · 09/04/2025 17:08

He's getting a good deal at home, if you want to encourage him to move out you need to make it so he is less comfy. Charge rent, stop doing his washing etc.

Original poster
Needstolaunch · 09/04/2025 17:10

He needs to move out, adult up.

Gradually we’ve stopped doing stuff eg taking him off our car insurance and insisting he gets his own car and insurance etc
I don’t do his laundry. He does do more job, cooks x3 a week and I or DH makes him weekly tasks. But if we didn’t, he would do nothing.

I’ve booked him two rental viewings for next week and two house viewings to buy.

I’m trying not to answer questions about the other DC - all will get the same one way or another. We (DH and I) have enough for retirement etc and all the DC will get a fair and equal share.

It’s the total what DH calls ‘mass inertia’ to do anything.

My son will not engage with therapy, counselling etc he does not and has not had a girlfriend (or boyfriend) although he has talked about he’d like to be married and have children. He does not seem to be depressed, we have suggested and even made an appointment with GP but he will not go and did not go to it. So that is a dead end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needstolaunch · 09/04/2025 17:16

ChompandaGrazia · 09/04/2025 16:58

If he’s got a degree did he not move out when he was at university?

He lived at home, he had choices: travel, job or university. After much lack of engagement (from him) he chose university, chose a local good one and a degree and with his 3 A grades got in, he refused to live in hall. He then caught the bus to and from each day for 3 years and got a degree - he’s not daft. And no he refused to join any clubs or do any socials. I don’t want to answer questions like this as it just derails the main point of the thread. Then people pick holes in it. The main point is we are where we are. If anyone has any suggestions or speaks from experience of anything else we can do - that’s what I’m after.

DC2 is also at university, but was straight in halls (their request) and has no intention of coming back either and now in a house share.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needstolaunch · 09/04/2025 17:19

renoleno · 09/04/2025 17:08

Because independent living is a critical element of adult development. Being an adult isn't just paying bills and being kind - it's knowing how to look after yourself, think yourself without your parents organising your life for you. It builds confidence and self esteem and means he can share the mental load and life admin in relationships.

Show quote history

This is exactly this - we want him to want to be independent. We love him and happily have him over for dinner but we don’t want to manage him.

DH says ‘if we don’t tell him to sort himself out now, then when? Age 30,40,50…..’ if not now then when.

OP posts:
BruFord · 09/04/2025 17:20

@Needstolaunch You said upthread that you’ve given him a Christmas deadline. Keep repeating this, eight months is ample time to get himself sorted out.

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