Family holidays as an autistic adult - argh.

[TheWayTheLightFalls]

I’m mainly writing to get things off my chest, but any advice would be welcome too.

I’m autistic, level 2 so moderate needs. There are many aspects of my life in which I function very well and I expect most people would be surprised at my diagnosis, but I have broadly arranged my life in a way that makes things better for me and minimises stress. I have three children (shouldn’t have, but they are here and the back story is long and irrelevant). On a daily basis I am just holding it together and trying to do my best by them.

DH fancied a holiday this school break. I really didn’t want the kind of holiday he proposed but he whined and beat me down with how lovely it would be and how much he would be doing and how he would plan everything. We are one day in, in Europe. So far:

I don’t cope well with changes in routine, which is basically holidays in a nutshell. I knew this, and here it is happening. It’s a bit better for me in places we have been before, because it’s more familiar, but that didn’t happen this time.

Airports/public transport etc - loud, crowded. Arrived late and needed to sprint through the terminal.

The accommodation is smaller than our home so I’m constantly surrounded by other people’s chewing, tv, chairs scraping etc.

I am uncomfortable in unfamiliar environments, and can’t shake that I am using someone else’s bed / towels / cutlery. Should have brought my own, forgot. I’m like this at home too - I don’t eat in other people’s home etc. “Uncomfortable” sounds mild but in practice it’s closer to disgust, so I am not eating much or able to be comfortable anywhere.

I’m just unsettled and sad, and then beating myself up for not enjoying things.

If we were at home one child would be at a holiday club that she loves, younger two would be in nursery. I’d be in my own home. Then in the afternoon I would pick them up and we’d get an ice cream, maybe go to the park - they’d be equally happy and I wouldn’t be on the edge of a meltdown.

DH is also pushing all the usual domestic crap onto me, which doesn’t help. And in a day or so will get pissy and angry at me because I am spoiling his holiday. And then will get a migraine which will push yet more childcare and domestic crap onto me.

The evening before flying I ended up taking visiting family to a West End show, ie staying up late and being tired, spending 2+ hours in a loud and crowded theatre, and coming home with a cracking headache. So that didn’t help. Again, very much “everyone else seems to enjoy this so why can’t I?”

Then we will come home and everyone will assume that I am rested and refreshed after my lovely holiday. I feel like DH knows that I am autistic, except when he fancies a picture perfect holiday and then I need to magically just snap out of it and facilitate things.

Would dh have gone with kids without you? What would good holiday look like to you?
If dc would be in holiday club/nursery would you both be at work?

So do you suggest thst your dh and kids never get a holiday?

Honestly. I think that when you have children, you need to learn coping mechanisms for things like eating outside of your house and being in crowded and noisy environments occasionally. And that’s regardless of your diagnosis. I have several autistic friends who are parents. Children’s lives shouldn’t be restricted by their parents’ inability to cope with unfamiliar surroundings, or a break in routine. Either figure out a way of dealing, or let your DH take the children on holiday.

Poor you OP it's horrible when everyone is enjoying themselves and you are miserable. I know there is not a lot you can do at the moment. Can you get DH to take the children out for the day?

It might be an idea to make some non negotiable rules before your next holiday eg:

No holiday where there isn't a kids club / entertainment for the children.

You bring your own sheets and cutlery (don't be embarrassed lots of people with disabilities need to do this).

You get a number of days totally to your self.

If he wants a holiday that doesn't take your needs in to account then don't go.

He needs to take the kids away and you stay home. Then everyone is happy.

I'll be straight up. I don't gave autism bit have anxiety. Even without that I would say most parents who holiday couldn't say its all rainbows and sunshine. It's bloody hard work sometimes. But we do it to see our children's faces to experience new cultures fun activities and to be honest as much as i hate it at times it allows me to put myself in uncomfortable situations and push myself when I think i wouldn't cope.
You are not alone, and it's ok to say its not for you. Mix it up, next time you choose something that will make you feel good, a less busy hotel maybe or a stay in a residence where your not in a hotel but plenty of activities for the family.
I still have routines and find it difficult for change or anything spontaneous but i still gonon holidays and muddle through it. You have a diagnosis but don't let it own you.

Your husband and children shouldn’t have to live a half life to keep you comfortable. You said you shouldn’t have had them at all but they are here now. If you aren’t/cannot cope with them are they safe with their father?

There should accommodations taken for you but the world doesn’t revolve around you especially as you decided to marry and have three children.

i understand exactly what you mean. I also suffer with the crowds, the noise, the lack of routine. But I do think it’s important that the children get the experiences.

Your DH needs to be stepping up more and building in space for you to breathe.

Since he doesn’t seem the sort, you need to find your own peace. I build in time away from the kids (and DH) to get a massage or just sit somewhere quiet. Is there any opportunity for you to do the same?

Also, for the future, DH and I do holiday separately if we want to (sometimes with both kids, sometimes we take one…). DH is a city break man, I like them, but also like to sit in the sun by a pool (which he hates). I would recommend separate vacations as you can then have a holiday that suits you.

I think you might be surprised how much good pushing yourself like this will do. You aren’t being rested you are being stretched.

Are you autistic? I tried to push myself for years and felt like a terrible failure when it only ever felt worse. OP, I have every sympathy. If your husband likes holidays, could he take them by himself? Or if that's too much work with three children, could you both set out very clear expectations of what you will/won't do on the holiday that you can refer back to? Or is there another family member who'd like to go instead and would enjoy themselves?

Do you have any loops? I didn't realise how much noise triggers my stress. Or noise cancelling headphones.

This is only something practical, I'm sure other people will have better advice.

If the alternative to being away was fun relaxed days at home that's one thing but it sounds like if you weren’t on this trip all the children would be in some sort of childcare. They need a break from that, especially the ones young enough to be at nursery.

Tell him today you won’t tolerate him ducking out with a predictable migraine and remind him of his promises to do most of the legwork.

But it’s good to have family holidays, it’s much better than no time off for your kids, and you won’t find any parents who get home from holidays with children this young feeling completely rested and relaxed. We know what it’s like. Whatever the background you allude to you did choose to have 3 children and it’s up to you work around the issues you have so they can have the fullest life possible.

I’m not sure why you are asking me if I’m autistic? It’s none of your business, and bloody rude, to ask anyone what they are diagnosed with. It’s really helpful to share your own experience and what you think might help but your experience is personal and not universal. Myself I would be hopeful that a holiday could be extremely helpful in your day to day life but accept that for you it might not be relaxing.

I’m pretty sure the poster meant that this advice, whilst might be fine for neurotypical people is actually the worst thing for autistic people. As an autistic adult, if I push myself out of my comfort zone I will have meltdowns.

But op you have my sympathies. I hugely struggle with holidays and spend most of my time in best feeling too overwhelmed to do anything. Especially if it’s somewhere hot or busy! A compromise might be that if you do go in holiday then you are under not obligation/expectation to go out, eat out etc.

Well this in a nutshell. Know you can't cope with any of these things but choose to marry and choose to have not one but three children.

You've made your choices you can't send your kids back, so you have to do your best. Dealing with discomfort and putting yourself last for the sake of your kids is the definition of parenting.

There is a whole line thread on relationships about being the partner of an ND individual I've just discovered. I've never posted i just read and I suggest you do too. It might give you insight into how your NT partner feels.

These things are an issue for you but they're also controlling four other peoples lives which really isn't on.

My partner is autistic and he feels the same about holidays. I'm beginning to feel the same. I'm sick and I'm tired of his selfish behaviour as he cannot cope if things aren't built around his needs and he inevitably takes it out on me.

He was genuinely surprised as he wanted to book a holiday somewhere I really wanted to go and all he got from me was push back. It isn't that I don't want to go, I don't want to go with him because he'll spoil it. There will be so many things we can't do because of him or he'll do it an ruin it so why bother.

It's got to point where I no longer care, I will go myself and would rather go alone than put up with his tomfoolery.

There are 4 other people in your family it cant all be about you.

I don’t have autism but I assume from what I do know (family and friends diagnosed) that it isn’t something you can just switch off to please others. Autistic people mask a lot and it’s exhausting. If this holiday is too difficult for you I’d think about the future and the kind of holidays you would feel comfortable going on. What needs to be put in place. Yes you are married and have children and of course you want everyone to have a nice time but you still have needs to. There can always be compromises and there will be holidays available that meet your needs. I agree with another poster who mentioned loop earplugs. They really do drown out noise. As you’re on holiday already can you have a think and make a list of what might make it better? Tell dh he needs to be more supportive and help more so you’re less stressed and then more likely to relax into it?

Yes, that's exactly what I meant.

Oh and my partner masked long enough for me to think there were no issues with stuff. I bet you did too.

Then they unmask and get shitty with you and complain about lack of accommodation for their needs. Speaking about unmasking as if they're the victim and as if it is somehow in any way similar to the devastation the NT partner feels when they find out their partner had been pretending all this time.

Autistic people can't turn off their autism. Growing up doesn't stop you being autistic. It's not a choice. Any advice that tells the OP to be less autistic is not of value.

It doesn't help much this time OP, but could you take the reins in booking and organising it all next time? It's a lot of extra work to take on, but does mean you can prioritise the aspects you need such as accommodation that has space to retreat into and decent kids' clubs. This is what I tend to do as it reduces the nasty surprises and I feel a bit more in control of my environment.
It's also easier as DCs get older too IME. They can help out with any cooking/washing up etc, pack their own bags, entertain themselves without so much parental involvement and the like.

I feel for you though. I'm currently away with wider family as a big group and the lack of time alone or to relax in my own way and the lack of control of what I can do/where I can go is feeling very overwhelming.

So what's the end game here?

Her DH takes on all the parenting she can't do? She just stays home and feels safe?

Nice. There are many threads like this and strangely the ND person has found an NT person who then gets dumped with everything they can't do.

The NT partner ends up feeling like a carer.

I'm with you OP. I don't think I'm autistic, but I find most holidays absolutely hell. It's like I'm on high alert until the minute I get back inside my own house. And the kids are out of sorts and looking to me for reassurance, like I should know everything about this place I've never been to before. I don't think young kids "need the experience" of a foreign holiday at all, it's a very recent phenomenon.

I'll be honest, though - you set yourself up to fail with a west end trip the night before you travelled! I would have needed to block out 24 hours either side of the theatre trip, and also the 24-48 hours before the holiday.

Please leave your husband. Autism is a disability. It is disabling. Would you have the same attitude if your husband was wheelchair bound? Or developed a different physical disability? You chose to marry an autistic adult. Autism is not a choice. I am married and have 3 kids, but I am unable to work, struggle with daily functioning and my husband has to offer way more support then he ever probably anticipated when he met me as an undiagnosed adult. If he had this attitude it would absolutely break my heart.

I don't know. It seems like a pretty impossible situation. It doesn't change any of what I said though. Not everything has a solution.

OP I suggest asking for advice somewhere where your thread won’t be taken over by autism bashers. I found some good support on Reddit and Facebook. There is so much hatred towards autistic adults on your post and you don’t deserve that.