Family holidays as an autistic adult - argh.

[TheWayTheLightFalls]

I’m mainly writing to get things off my chest, but any advice would be welcome too.

I’m autistic, level 2 so moderate needs. There are many aspects of my life in which I function very well and I expect most people would be surprised at my diagnosis, but I have broadly arranged my life in a way that makes things better for me and minimises stress. I have three children (shouldn’t have, but they are here and the back story is long and irrelevant). On a daily basis I am just holding it together and trying to do my best by them.

DH fancied a holiday this school break. I really didn’t want the kind of holiday he proposed but he whined and beat me down with how lovely it would be and how much he would be doing and how he would plan everything. We are one day in, in Europe. So far:

I don’t cope well with changes in routine, which is basically holidays in a nutshell. I knew this, and here it is happening. It’s a bit better for me in places we have been before, because it’s more familiar, but that didn’t happen this time.

Airports/public transport etc - loud, crowded. Arrived late and needed to sprint through the terminal.

The accommodation is smaller than our home so I’m constantly surrounded by other people’s chewing, tv, chairs scraping etc.

I am uncomfortable in unfamiliar environments, and can’t shake that I am using someone else’s bed / towels / cutlery. Should have brought my own, forgot. I’m like this at home too - I don’t eat in other people’s home etc. “Uncomfortable” sounds mild but in practice it’s closer to disgust, so I am not eating much or able to be comfortable anywhere.

I’m just unsettled and sad, and then beating myself up for not enjoying things.

If we were at home one child would be at a holiday club that she loves, younger two would be in nursery. I’d be in my own home. Then in the afternoon I would pick them up and we’d get an ice cream, maybe go to the park - they’d be equally happy and I wouldn’t be on the edge of a meltdown.

DH is also pushing all the usual domestic crap onto me, which doesn’t help. And in a day or so will get pissy and angry at me because I am spoiling his holiday. And then will get a migraine which will push yet more childcare and domestic crap onto me.

The evening before flying I ended up taking visiting family to a West End show, ie staying up late and being tired, spending 2+ hours in a loud and crowded theatre, and coming home with a cracking headache. So that didn’t help. Again, very much “everyone else seems to enjoy this so why can’t I?”

Then we will come home and everyone will assume that I am rested and refreshed after my lovely holiday. I feel like DH knows that I am autistic, except when he fancies a picture perfect holiday and then I need to magically just snap out of it and facilitate things.

I agree to some extent. However as an autistic adult myself, also with an autistic parent, and autistic children it’s not as simple as you must learn skills. For example, I am very able to parent my kids, take them out to places, have fun, be silly, etc. However if you put me in employment I completely fall apart and lose the ability to function in any capacity (I even lost ability to focus on watching tv). So there is learning skills such as managing emotional dysregulation, and then there is accepting that autism WILL ALWAYS be present and the traits that a person as a result of their brain wiring will present with cannot change.

They are loops earplugs you can get whilst you still can hear conversations but it reduces the noise pollution in the background. I can't go shopping without these in now. Screaming kids no longer hurt my ears. You can also get ones that have an option to completely mute your surroundings or go back to reducing noise.

Have a look and see what you think.
Their quiz is really helpful but I'd still have a browse of all them.

https://www.loopearplugs.com/pages/quiz

I honestly can't believe how much they have helped me. I have ADHD but I wouldn't be surprised if I had AUDHD as I get terrible sensory overload. It can make you irritable and people don't understand what it's like. Simple noises can sound like constant nails on a chalk board to other people. It can actually hurt my brain.

When I was at your stage with 3 small children (not twins though - that must be even more exciting...) I used to joke that we never travelled outside Yorkshire. This was sort of a joke but not far from the truth. We had self catering holidays with short journeys and to places that weren't crowded.
Now that they are bigger I've found that Northumberland is lovely for beautiful empty beaches and lonely castles. It depends what works for you but for me that 's restorative. Would echo everyone else though that with 3 little ones just getting through the holiday will be an achievement. I hope it improves for you

@MyHangryDreamer of course and I accept the aspects that can’t be changed but the biggest hurdle that sometimes family face is that the autistic person sees their own challenges as bigger or more important than the challenges that other people in their family face…quite understandable when you see the word from a first person perspective but it’s the basis of being a parent that you try at least to make adaptions to raise your kids as happy and healthy as possible.

The only reality that's discomfiting to me is peoples attitudes towards someone with asd. If op had never mentioned she had asd, she'd have had nothing but sympathy and support on this thread about how hard holidays with small kids actually are.

Not true at all.

The younger kids are napping so I'm sitting down to reply.

@dovess I won't convince you but like a lot of late diagnosed women I was just fine pre-kids, in that I assumed everyone experienced the kind of distress I do at everyday situations, and just pushed through. Having kids was the thing that took it over the edge. It's sadly not unusual.

@Georgesgerbil I'm using this thread to discuss the things that I find difficult. I explained there and in my subsequent post how much our day-to-day lives don't "revolve around me and my autism".

We go on holidays 2-3 times a year (people have assumed we have never been and attributed that to me). But those are typically decided together. For example, we find somewhere on the British coast so we can drive there and take home comforts, or we homeswap with a friend which makes it less stressful. This time DH insisted on a European beach holiday for sun and wouldn't consider anything else.

DH has many good qualities but he has shortfalls, and going full-tilt Prince Harry when he doesn't get what he wants is one of them. He does whine! And then I feel bad because I assume anyone else would love this sort of holiday, so I agree to it, and here we are.

He is also not great at timing or thinking through plans, so him being in charge of driving to the airport and booking flights -> flight at 7am, leaving house late, needing to rush. And the kids play up for him more, so leaving him to deal with them usually results in him in a mood and at least one child crying. I'm not like that with them - one of my strengths is perceived calm and consistency for them.

@mydogfarts the standard timing for my kids is the equivalent of two-2.5 full days of nursery / clubs a week during the holidays, and then we do things together the rest of the time - during the last half term it was a city farm, mudlarking, a playdate, a park trip with hot chocolate. I suspect most children of neurotypical people are more "farmed out" during the holidays as their parents need to work. People here have assumed they are in childcare every day. As I said - I do my best by them.

Anyway - kids are having quiet time, I'm reading in our room, we'll go to the beach later. We went to the supermarket just now and made a better go of food for the next day.

That really isn’t true. The OP faces some extra challenges, sure, but she needs to work on coping mechanisms so as not to limit her life and that of her children.

@Cobaltbluey in my opinion the OP has done exactly that. She has made a sacrifice when agreeing to the holiday (her need for routine, her own space etc). It sounds like the kids are doing just fine and she just needed to vent some frustration.

Obviously no one can speak to on everyone’s behalf but there are excellent autistic parents and awful ones, just as there are excellent and awful NT ones. Being autistic has nothing to do with ability to parents, particularly if the children are autistic (quite likely with an autistic parent) as they understand each other better. Autistic women in particular have had to become chameleons to be able to cope in society that doesn’t want them, and have gone unnoticed for so long for this reason (hatred/misunderstanding). Like another poster had said, if OP hadn’t said she was autistic she would have received support.

My DD is autistic and finds holidays really hard, but the rest of us (myself, DH and DS) want to have them and obviously she can’t stay behind.

We’ve made the following adjustments: — book quieter resorts
-hire a villa so we are not surrounded by other people, and she has a private room she can escape to.
-eat out early evening when it’s quieter - stay at the villa on days when she’s just overwhelmed
-make sure we do lots of the things she does enjoy (swimming and visiting historic sites or beauty spots in her case)
-divide and conquer - one parent stays with her and the other takes her brother out. He’s ADHD so gets very bored doing the same things every day (it’s hard having one of each flavour of ND!)

It’s not perfect, and tbh I think she’d still rather not go at all. That’s not an option for her, but maybe it is for you? If your DH won’t make any accommodations for your needs , I think he then has to accept he goes without you.

This sounds like a brilliant holiday! We did the Kent coast last summer and it was far easier - we drove, we rented a large house right by the beach, we stayed somewhere were there were play cafes etc for when the weather was crap.

The time before we drove to Belgium - booked a flexible Eurotunnel ticket so there was no mad rush, planned little trips around the accommodation.

For those trips there were things that I found difficult - noise, change in routine - but there was enough there that gave me breathing space.

@GoldBeautifulHeart I will look them up, thank you.

The way you speak about your husband is horrible. I think you would be better of letting him go to have a life whilst you manage your autism in the way that suits you best.

Can everyone stop going on about doing "normal" things and "limiting" life? Neurotypical people aren't the arbiters of what activities everyone should find enjoyable, valuable or worth making sacrifices for.

That’s true.

No, just that they try to have a holiday where everyone enjoys ( or at least survives) the experience.

I’m autistic too OP. It’s hard when you have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations for other people, but it’s kind of part of life, which I’m sure you know.
When I have to do something out of my comfort zone or that I don’t particularly enjoy, I remind myself that it’s only for a short amount of time and then once it’s done I can get back to the comfort of my routine and normal life.

I didn't. Mainly because I thought that if I wore a Sunflower lanyard/requested assistance I would need to have a bigger conversation with my eldest about my limitations than I have had to date, and she is a sensitive seven year old and I didn't want to put than on her without being very careful in my wording. So I thought I could push through it (eagle eyed readers may notice a theme). And I could have, but that + late for plane + different surroundings + noise + heat + DH putting meal planning on me at no notice +++ is, altogether, more than I can take. But I didn't know that in advance, so I just tried to carry on.

Completely agree.

I sympathise strongly OP - another late diagnosed woman here. The impulse is to push through and see if you can cope, since you don't actually know if this is going to be a problem until you try it. Then you try it, and it's horrible, but people say things like 'Oh you were fine' because you masked so much and so they insist on doing it again and get annoyed if your masking is less effective than last time (which it will be because this time you know what you're getting into and are dreading it).

Solidarity also re the unsympathetic DH - mine gets annoyed with me for not being able to do things he particularly wants to do.

Sorry but I think you have a DH problem, not an autism problem! You have a condition, you can’t change that and you can’t just ignore it or pretend it doesn’t exist and anyone suggesting you should doesn’t get it. I get my worst burnout/meltdowns when I get into the mindset of “I should just try harder” etc (quite often thanks to the voices of those who think you can just effort your way out of it!). My DH always reminds me that if I could do that, I would never have got a diagnosis.

It’s about achieving balance to allow you both to get what you want and I don’t think your DH is stepping up. You’ve agreed to the holiday that he wanted but he should be creating space to allow you to cope with it e.g. taking the kids out to explore and leaving you behind to decompress from the travel or picking up more of the domestic load to give you some downtime. Making yourself and your needs smaller is not the answer- I am sure that if he stepped up and did a few small things to help you would be able to participate in the holiday much more easily!

For example when we visit DH’s family, if he was going alone, he wouldn’t pre plan, just go with the flow. When I go with him, he makes the effort to call a few days ahead and make a rough schedule, find out mealtime plans/visit times, which helps me prepare- small effort from him, big impact to me. I don’t force us to rigidly stick to it and accept that it might flex but appreciate that he’s making the effort to be more organised it means I can participate more fully in something that is his priority.

Wow sorry op you've received some very harsh comments and such a lot of ignorance.

I relate so much. I have flown under the radar my entire life no one would say I was autistic at all. All the while slowly dying wondering why I feel so broken and not able to enjoy things. Not able to keep up with everyone else. Permanently burnout.

3 kids too probably shouldn't of but literally had no idea and every therapist going said oh no you're very nt look at all your empathy and social skills 🙄 can't very put my children back where they came from.

I'd definitely have a chat with you partner they have either got carried away with themselves arranging the holiday or are just not on the same page. The support I receive from my husband means we can all enjoy holidays. We pace ourselves and factor in everyone's needs. That means I get the downtime I need to be able to tolerate what I find hard. But there is a limit and my husband can read me and anticipate my needs. Which wow what a weight off some of the mental load for me. Vice versa with him. We look out for eachother.

Lots of autistic women are very different to many autistic men. We still have been conditioned to people please to put others before us. To bend past breaking point like lots of women. Whilst it's different for everyone. Autism doesn't automatically mean we should hide away because we are such a detriment to everyone else. Doesn't automatically mean we are not great partners either.

Marry bloody Poppins wouldn't take young twins on holiday and enjoy herself. It's hard work whoever you are.

I remember when trying to get my DD diagnosed that her school kept telling she “seemed fine.” Eventually I asked them if they had any idea how hard she was working at “seeming fine.”

And I’m another one who’s sorry you’re getting such a hard time on here. Worrying how little insight and empathy ND people have into this.

This thread is deeply upsetting for me to read. The amount of autism bashing on here is unbelievable. There are obviously a few posters that have it in for people in their lives that have this disability.

I could have written the same story as the OP - late diagnosis, finding it hard to cope after having children, burnout doing things other people consider 'normal', dislike of being out of my comfort zone. My oldest is most likely ASD as well, which was extra hard for me as a parent when he was younger. The first 8 years of being a parent almost broke me.

It sounds like OP is doing a great job in her day to day life to do the best for her children (and twins as well!) and this has just been one step too far and needed to vent.

I, for one, want to say well done to her.