Family holidays as an autistic adult - argh.

[TheWayTheLightFalls]

I’m mainly writing to get things off my chest, but any advice would be welcome too.

I’m autistic, level 2 so moderate needs. There are many aspects of my life in which I function very well and I expect most people would be surprised at my diagnosis, but I have broadly arranged my life in a way that makes things better for me and minimises stress. I have three children (shouldn’t have, but they are here and the back story is long and irrelevant). On a daily basis I am just holding it together and trying to do my best by them.

DH fancied a holiday this school break. I really didn’t want the kind of holiday he proposed but he whined and beat me down with how lovely it would be and how much he would be doing and how he would plan everything. We are one day in, in Europe. So far:

I don’t cope well with changes in routine, which is basically holidays in a nutshell. I knew this, and here it is happening. It’s a bit better for me in places we have been before, because it’s more familiar, but that didn’t happen this time.

Airports/public transport etc - loud, crowded. Arrived late and needed to sprint through the terminal.

The accommodation is smaller than our home so I’m constantly surrounded by other people’s chewing, tv, chairs scraping etc.

I am uncomfortable in unfamiliar environments, and can’t shake that I am using someone else’s bed / towels / cutlery. Should have brought my own, forgot. I’m like this at home too - I don’t eat in other people’s home etc. “Uncomfortable” sounds mild but in practice it’s closer to disgust, so I am not eating much or able to be comfortable anywhere.

I’m just unsettled and sad, and then beating myself up for not enjoying things.

If we were at home one child would be at a holiday club that she loves, younger two would be in nursery. I’d be in my own home. Then in the afternoon I would pick them up and we’d get an ice cream, maybe go to the park - they’d be equally happy and I wouldn’t be on the edge of a meltdown.

DH is also pushing all the usual domestic crap onto me, which doesn’t help. And in a day or so will get pissy and angry at me because I am spoiling his holiday. And then will get a migraine which will push yet more childcare and domestic crap onto me.

The evening before flying I ended up taking visiting family to a West End show, ie staying up late and being tired, spending 2+ hours in a loud and crowded theatre, and coming home with a cracking headache. So that didn’t help. Again, very much “everyone else seems to enjoy this so why can’t I?”

Then we will come home and everyone will assume that I am rested and refreshed after my lovely holiday. I feel like DH knows that I am autistic, except when he fancies a picture perfect holiday and then I need to magically just snap out of it and facilitate things.

A lot of women will have had no idea they were autistic until long after marriage and children. What exactly do you propose they do when they already have such responsibilities?

If op had simply posted she's on holiday with pre school twins and a husband dumping all childcare on her she'd have lots of sympathy coming her way. But because she's autistic she just gets vile comments,

Find methods and ways to cope (with support if necessary) so their families aren’t as greatly limited as they are. There’s no way an adult can go through their entire life pre-children and relationship before realising they have tendencies that are not entirely suited to family life.

Spouses and children (again) report frankly miserable lives often tinged with abuse caused by ‘meltdowns’ and/or limitations resulting from the completely inflexible and often untreated parent. Just look threads on here from adult children and spouses. If the parents of autistic parents can find ways to help their children navigate life there are absolutely no excuses for an adult not to do so for themselves or remove themselves from the family (to enable them to have a full life free of abuse or unreasonable limitations) if they cannot do so. Plenty of autistic spouses and parents manage to cope but many choose to refuse.

It sounds like you’ve made a great effort to ensure your children lead normal happy lives despite limitations for them. Autistic adults often refuse to do the things you have to ensure that.

This advice works for NT. ND is the opposite. You burnout and become useless for days.

OP, I relate a lot and really feel for you. We have to push through these things in life or be seen as a miserable bastard. It’s hard.

The issue seems to be that your husband isn't doing his fair share of childcare and everything else required while you're away.
So he's getting a holiday where you facilitate him having the odd fun moment with the kids thrown in and you're a frazzled mess

And breathe… sorry you’re having a rubbish time OP. I have bad anxiety and an autistic child so I have some understanding of what you are going through.
If you can I would try to let go of the past things that you cannot change. You’re on the holiday now so I would try to focus on the things you do have control over that will help you to have the best time possible.

I'm sorry, you think asd parents should remove themselves from their families lives? Because obviously we're all just abusers. Fuck me you are one aren't you. Gees. Reporting yet another comment on this thread!

I think if someone with autism has managed to get married and have 3 kids they must have some skills in dealing with life and some ability to negotiate or work out what sort of life works well for them. Autism is an neuro developmental condition, and those challenges will have been present from an early age so I can never understand those who make life choices as adults and then decide they can’t cope with the result of those life choices. All parents push themselves to an extent ,nobody has an easy ride and many of us probably don’t find holidays with young children relaxing or refreshing and come back feeling great!I find holidays challenging due to my own difficulties and it’s been a case of finding out what works best for all of us. I’m sure you could plan a holiday or break together that would work far better for you so it sounds like the communication between you and your husband needs to improve. You said yourself you took family to a west end show so started the holiday off already over stressed…that was a choice you made so it’s about improving your planning as well and not then blaming your husband.

A lot of ignorance about autism and life as an autistic adult on this thread. But you have also had some helpful suggestions. I found research helpful. I find places to eat, plan any trips out I think we would enjoy and make a plan. I’d also say to your husband that there may be times when you need to be alone for a bit and he will have to be with the kids alone.

Can you sit DH down and explain exactly what you need him to do? So something like “Can you take the kids out tomorrow morning? While you do that I’m going to go to the supermarket and buy myself some cutlery which will make me feel more comfortable, and a couple of craft sets for the kids. Take them to McDonald’s for lunch so I can just make myself a snack. When you all get back, let’s get the kids to entertain themselves with the craft for a bit so you get a rest too”.

Not that you need to plan every day, but when you really feel that things are getting too much, tell him what would actually help and go from there.

I think the vast majority of people feel like this on holiday

A lot of people mask (behave in NT ways, follow NT ideals etc) so heavily in early life and adulthood and then fall apart later in life due to losing the ability to mask, stress, poor mental health etc. It’s not as black and white as you make it sound unfortunately.

This 100% ^ Happened to my parent.

All of this.

Sorry OP, but your autism comes through in your post as it is all about you and how badly you are being affected and how your horrid H will complain you ruined his holiday.

There is nothing in your post which shows any understanding or concern for your how your husband might be feeling. Wanting a holiday is a fairly basic family experience, that most people treasure. Memories of your children happy on holiday last a lifetime.

its really hard in a marriage with a ND person when your entire life has to revolve around them and their autism because ' they can't help it' and you as the NT person are the sacrificial lamb to their needs.

If you had expressed one word of interest or concern on the impact on the rest of your family I would have had some sympathy. But instead it was all ' Me, Me, Me, poor Me.' So I don't.

The fact that other people's reality is discomfiting to you, doesn't mean it isn't real.

A recipe for burnout.

I think it's really important you and your husband have some conversations to ensure he and your children can enjoy normal life experiences, and hopefully you can remain part of it too.

People have used the wheelchair analogy for autism. I am disabled and in a wheelchair a lot of the time. So we choose holidays that work with that so far as possible but also sometimes I will stay home or sit in a cafe so they can enjoy every opportunity open to them. I would not dream of stopping them living life to the full. Equally DH would always ensure our travel worked for me in the wheelchair and that we researched to ensure I could participate in some of the holiday

DH ex refuses to travel anywhere or go out for the day ever and it's part of the reason he left her. He wanted a full life. And for his children to enjoy a full life. The only thing that pisses me off is she won't even contribute towards the children's school trips.etc, she just hoards money. Their children never had a birthday party or a day out until he left her. It was a type of abusive relationship in a way.

Once we have children, we have a responsibility towards them that means we may have to push through certain discomforts. I find it painfully hard to keep working with my disability but I don't want my children to be deprived of the stability of my income

This is the best advice.

Take the learning points about what hasn’t worked and what adaptations are needed for the future- stay in the night before a flight and get to the airport early - and then try and park those negative thoughts.

Research what activities can be done in the area, I find it helpful to plan out days that have enough rest time built in ( am not autistic but now I am menopausal I find I get more anxious and like to have things organised as this calms me). I would also schedule in some down time for your DH as well - that way if he does “get a migraine” you can move on to that day plan that builds it in. Hopefully getting a bit more control on the situation will help, but it was never going to be easy travelling with such young DCs.

I’m aware of that as I have an autistic parent and other nd family members.. it’s not true that autistic people have no agency or capacity to learn skills to manage their family lives. It does require insight and sometimes, yes, accepting that their behaviour can have negative consequences for their own kids and partners…..but there’s becoming a narrative that autistic people are never able to be accountable for their behaviour or may any sort of change or adaptation . There is a difference between those autistic people who have the level of disability that means they struggle with every aspect of life and those autistic people who still are able to go on to have families, jobs and need support as to how they live the best they can despite their diagnosis.

But no one is forcing anyone to stay married to an autistic person if they really hate their life that much. Autism is a disability, and like all disabilities it has an impact on the lives of those around them. That doesn’t mean the person with the disability is a problem. At the end of the day no one has to stay in a disabled-abled relationship, that is a choice. But the disabled person requires support and that is ok. Autism is complex and presents so differently across individuals that one family’s experience may be nothing like another’s. Again that is fine and one family may struggle, the other may thrive due to mutual love and support. The OP was asking about one particular situation she finds hard. You can’t judge her life, her ability to parents and her ability to be a supportive wife based on one thread.

Also your comments about the children would be just as happy spending all the holidays at holiday club/nursery and a trip to the same park in the afternoon. Please don't tell yourself this. Children need variety and adventure too. Doing the same thing every day has driven my step children to despair at their mum. They often come round to our house on "her" days because it is so utterly dull. They love her and long to have adventures with her

Goodness everyone is being harsh. It doesn’t have to be no holidays does it? It’s ok to make accommodations for the people you love. You find a work around together as a partnership. Going out of season or somewhere that’s more comfortable. Plan better. We had a few disasters before things got better. ADHD and autism depending on family member with us. Plus I have cptsd too.
Also op remember away with little kids is really hard work anyway. Small children don’t need holidays, they really don’t. Most prefer routine and consistency. chances are at least one of these kids will also have autism too.
The issue here is communication.

I mean OP, you describe your husband's very normal request for a family holiday as 'whining'.

This tells me all I need to know about your attitude to your husband and family.

Normal requests for normal things = 'whining' in your mind.