I've damaged my child and the guilt is overwhelming

[AroundTheMulberryBush]

I had a baby back at the start of 2023 with my long term partner of 11 years. He had briefly cheated during the pregnancy and things just went downhill from there. We were spending a lot of time apart during the pregnancy due to the conflict from the cheating (which the first woman ended when she found out i was pregnant) and he eventually walked out on us for good and onto a new relationship when my baby was around 6 weeks old. He treated me awfully during this time, telling me we were nothing but coparents and that he didnt care for me in that way anymore, that he didnt find me attractive as i was fat/out of shape, shooing me away like a dog with hand motions while still sleeping with me. Yes, i had no self rescpect and was just trying to save the relationship so that I wasnt left a single mum as i knew i wouldn't cope. I was a mess, I lost 2 stone in weight as I was being sick even just sipping water. I was crying, begging, pleading with him to come back to us which did no good as he turned stone cold; little did i know he had moved on from us wirh someone else while still physically living with us and sleeping with me, hence why he was being so cold. I lost a lot of my hair and was basically walking around in a daze during this time.

We had to then move in with my father at the time as the house we had lived in was my ex partners which he had inherited from his mum.

I used to take my baby to classes most days ie baby sensory, rhyme time at the library etc. We'd go out and about for coffee or a browse round the shops. However when I got back to the house, I rememebe trying to hold in the tears from the car to the front door and as soon as I got in, putting my baby in my dad's arms, putting a nursery rhyme type program on TV and going through to my bedroom to just cry. I'd either be spending time crying or looking online for situations of people who had been through similar to me and trying to find answers as to why he had done what he had done and try to make sense of it. It was pathetic and I was an absolute mess during the first year of my daughters life and the only reason I kept going was for her. I stopped breastfeeding as i got put on antidepressants and didn't want to take the risk of them harming her. When she was sitting with my dad they'd just watch TV. My dad is a nice enough man but he wouldn't really interact with her much, just hold her while they watched TV. There were times when her and I had mummy daughter time in the house however I can't remember them, I just know from photos. I was honestly a mess at this time.

Fast forward 2 years later. My daughter, while very smart, has a speech delay and is on the waiting list for speech and language therapy. She also exhibits signs of sensory issues according to the nursery - doesn't like noise or big groups.

I feel overwhelmed with guilt that I've caused this, I've somehow damaged her with the neglect. I should've been holding her much more and interacting with her much more as a baby. Instead of her sat in front of a TV at at 5 months old staring at it. Also all of the stress hormones I experienced when pregnant have also probably affected her. I keep reading about babies brain development and I'm convinced that all of her issues are my fault. I did try to do my best but my best was nowhere near good enough, I was completely overwhelmed with being abandoned by her father and the heartbreak I was experiencing.

Is there any way that I can make up for the damage those early months caused, to help her develop normally? I can't bear the thought of her having difficulties in life caused by me being a shit mum to her in those early days. Is the damage even reparable? Please be gentle, as I say, I'm consumed with guilt about it all. I wanted to be the best mum to her but was just completely taken over by everything else going on in my life at the time.

Oh no you didn’t do this. Stop beating yourself up is the best thing you can do for your daughter now. You’ve just said you took your baby out to classes - there are hundreds of women with PND that cant do that and cant interact with their kids either (ask me how I know) and there are thousands of toddlers with language delay for so many reasons. You have to stop punishing yourself for doing your absolute best in a horrible situation and concentrate on enjoying your little one. She is so lucky to have a devoted mum. You just have to see that xxx

Forgive yourself.

it sounds like you were reeling from an abusive and hostile relationship on top of being newly postnatal.

You did what you could to survive. I see a lot of good in your post; you were out with your daughter daily at coffee shops and baby groups, it sounds like you weren’t well yourself.

She may well have had her issues with development anyway. You can help her by doing all those things with her now that you’d wished you’d been well enough to do before, taking her to any developmental appointments. She’s still very young, still a baby. You’ve got this.

That's your depression making you think that, not reality.

She spent her time being held and cared for by a good man when you were unwell. That's more than many children have. She would have heard plenty of speech and interacted with him far more than you remember - if you can't recall being with her, how can you say with certainty that all he did was hold her?

You've not damaged her, it's coincidental - so try to stop focusing on regret and pain and turn to enjoying her, engaging with SaLT and taking the future one step at a time.

Be kind to yourself, treat yourself as you would a very good friend. You have had a terribly traumatic time. You love your daughter and are doing your best for her. Look after yourself as well.

Please don’t blame yourself- I actually think you did a great job going to baby classes and out everyday. There are so many children now with speech delay and sensory issues- please stop blaming yourself. I hope you find some happiness and you and your daughter thrive- if ex still involved I would limit contact with yourself as it sounds like he is emotionally abusive and will not be helping your self esteem. Do something for yourself everyday that makes you happy, increase your water intake, eat as best you can and aim to get a good routine with little one and try and sleep 7-8 hours a night, good luck OP X

I thought you were going to say you left her crying for days or something. I bet she loved getting a big snuggle from her Grandad. Plenty of kids didn’t have the ideal babyhood including mine in Covid where I burned out from trying to work and homeschool. He was still absolutely loved and cherished but he didn’t have as much quality 1-1 time you’re referring to.

Life is not ideal at times. All you can do is take the learnings from it and work with your daughter now to make sure you’re proactively supporting her with speech delay. I think you’re being too hard on yourself.

You did an amazing job, getting her out and about to classes, looking after her, picking up all the slack from the men in her life whilst blaming yourself more than them. I'm not putting your dad in the same category as your ex, your dad sounds loving and calm, but you are blaming yourself by proxy for both.

Your DD will be fine, even if one little area of development needs to catch up a bit. There are also loads of kids who find nursery too much, you are only comparing DD to her particularly cohort. If you went to a playgroup with SAHMs or those working PT to minimise nursery, if you spoke to people using childminders or small forest school nurseries - then you'd meet people whose kids found nursery too much and it'd be normal.

As you meet more and more people, you'll see there are so many paths to get to the same place. Look forward, not back, look at where your DD shines rather than stumbles, find her path and take care of yourself.

It's just hard i guess, i was nowwhre near as good a mum as i wanted to be, I was so wrapped up in how my ex was behaving and what it was doing to me that it's like that was all I had the capacity to deal with. I just can't stop imagining how she would be developmentally wise if I had done all the things then that I would've done now that I'm in a better place mentally.

I've taken her to a couple of private speech and language appointments while we've been waiting on our NHS SaLT and am trying my best with her now. We go on lots of little adventures and have fun together. I just wish I could've done all of this when she was a tiny baby and she might've had no issues. I even keep looking up how her father buggering off and starting a new family (he got the new woman pregnant when our daughter was around 10 months old) will affect her when she's older, feeling rejected etc. He does still see her but only every other Saturday night.

I know realistically that I can't go back in time and can only go forward but it plays on my mind so much.

Sweetheart, none of us are as good mums as we wanted to be. We beat ourselves up, we panic about whether that glass of wine we had before we know we were pregnant is the reason they are struggling with x,y,z…

Accept that feeling as a being like a rainy day- it happens, it’s a bit shit, but there’s a sunny day coming soon. Feelings wash over us, sometimes they are chemical, sometimes circumstancial. We can choose how much we let them impact us.

You are a survivor. You kept yourself and your baby safe through a crappy situation. You moved on, you are looking around now and wondering how you both survived- but you did. Well done!

Your little one will have struggles, they may even be serious struggles, but you will rise to the challenge and do whatever you can to support her and help her grow up happy.

My lad struggled a lot! As did I. He’s turned into a lovely young man, really settled and successful. Hang in there!

It sounds like you did fine then and you're doing fantastic now.
If you can, try to see if you can find ways to manage the anxiety, talking it out like this is one way, and there are many other strategies too, both you and your daughter will benefit.

There are lots and lots of parents who plonk their child in front of the tv all day, for many different reasons. She was held and loved etc. You haven’t damaged her.
It sounds like you are doing everything you can to help her now.
She won’t feel rejected if you don’t project those feelings onto her, she was loved and wanted. The issues arose because mummy /daddy just didn’t want to be together anymore.
By the time she’s a bit older you could meet somebody else she may have another father figure.
Don’t give men so much power, she will be just fine and so will you. Women don’t need men.

I can't even begin to understand what you are going through, your ex has treated you appallingly and it's no wonder you felt the way you did especially with all the post partum hormones. That said, I think feeling guilty is a mother's default emotion even when you are not to blame.
I had my first during covid and I was very down, I didn't enjoy her babyhood at all and remember crying all the time. Didn't go out to groups, didn't really enjoy interacting with her (at the time). I feel so guilty about that even now, but she has turned into a very happy four year old.
It sounds like your daughter had a nice time going to groups and outings with you, and just having grandad nearby would be great for her they don't need constant interaction. Also, I assume that your dad did a good job of bringing you up so he will be ok at looking after your baby too? I'm sure none of this is your fault. I hope you start to feel better soon 💐

We all just coping in life the best way we can. If you search for infant reflexes not going dormant on Mumsnet there might be some info you find helpful

OP I have so much sympathy. The early years are super important but between you and your dad she will have had love and interaction. Also, Babies brains are plastic and she’s still so little. Be the best mum you can be now. But in a sustainable way. Not so you go overboard and give yourself a nervous breakdown with trying too hard! Guilt won’t help your child now. Be as kind to yourself as you want to be to your child. Put your phone down when you’re with her. Go to the park or wherever she is happy and feel the joy of being with her. Be loving and responsive and boundaried abd she will be fine. Focussing on the guilt will actually put another barrier between you. So focus on the joy of watching her unfold. And please remember that the way new mothers are expected to crack on with absolutely minimal support in our society is frankly fucked up. You should have been surrounded by aunts, cousins, grannies, uncles etc. Thats the village we all need, that doesn’t really exist now. Don’t deny the guilty feelings but when they come let them go. Maybe practice a bit of mindfulness. focus on now or the guilt will eat you both up. Good luck :)

You did nothing wrong. You were going through an extremely difficult time and you ensured your daughter was safe, fed and looked after.
If she has sensory issues, this is completely unrelated to anything you did. It's just how her brain is wired.
Plenty of people have speech delay and turn out fine. My DH did and he's now a Professor who speaks several languages!
Just relax. Your DD will be ok. You are a loving and concerned mother and it sounds like she has a loving grandfather too.

Albert Einstein had severely delayed speech. Give yourself some grace.

Listen it sounds like you did an amazing job. You see so much on social media where people have these amazing lives travelling with their young children, they have these massive playrooms and spend all day on their small holdings and go on about ‘screen free childhoods‘ in reality we are all just doing our best. You kept going for your daughter in the face of a hard situation and your daughter had you and her grandpa as a constant in her life. My best friends son had a speech delay, was under SALT she was a single mum with an arse hole ex who made her life a misery, she did sooo much with her little boy and felt so bad like she’d failed him but she hasn’t at all, he is now 7 and thriving and they have the best relationship. I work in SEND and the kids I work with have such a range of backgrounds you could never say ‘the parents contributed to this’ - yes some situations did, such as a child who was in a war zone and came to the UK as a refugee am under extreme stress, even then his mum being a constant, even though she was unimaginably stressed and traumatised, helped so much and with a few short months of intervention he thrived and came along so much.

My dd3 had severe speech issues. Also hated loud noises. She had the same upbringing as dd1 and dd2.
I did private speech therapy with her. And she started school. By the end of year 1 her speech was perfect, from a start at 3 where she had a stammer and few normal sounds

OP, I went through an extremely stressful event when my 2nd DC was 3 weeks old and I was recovering post partum. It took me almost a full year to recover mentally. When I look back on photos of her first year, I don’t recognise them. I’m in the photo, smiling, everything looks fine, but I seriously don’t remember it happening, I was so consumed by the situation. It was like I had disconnected from reality.

At around 18 months, DD started exhibiting some things like speech delay, which I completely blamed myself for. She’s now in preschool and doing so much better.

If you can afford it, get some therapy. My therapist was a lifesaver for me. I feel so much better now, no longer have any guilt about that period, and am a much more confident mum.

This is not your doing. My son had a slight speech delay and very similar sensory issues. He struggled interacting with other children when very young, particularly because they would shriek and squeal. Nothing caused it, it was just the way he is.

He grew out of the sensory issues and the social issues. His speech caught up. He is now a happy and confident 15 year old, with a lovely friendship group and expecting great GCSE results.

As i said, nothing really causes those early issues, and we didnt really have to do anything to rectify them. Children develop at their own pace.

The very fact that you are worrying about your parenting means you are probably a very good and loving mother.

She is going to he fine and you are going to be fine. All children develop at different rates. You got this OP, don't be hard on yourself. You sound like an amazing mum to me.

My son has autism and has language and sensory issues. They didn’t show until age 2-3 but he will have been autistic from before birth. Yes early intervention can make a big difference at 2-3. This is the time experts want children to get intervention as it can be too late by school age so you’ve done well to spot it early. There’s lots of suggestions for encouraging speech through play online eg Pinterest has lots speech therapy stuff and YouTube. Hanen books are good. You may never know what the cause is, it could always have happened. My other kids were always top of the class and advanced so it’s nothing I did. A lot of speech therapists have websites with advice for free eg toys and games that can encourage speech. Just playing face to face for short bursts through the day encouraging speech will really help. Also putting things out of reach so she has to ask. Twinkl has free resources too.

It’s most unlikely her early life caused a speech delay, but if it did she’ll catch up.
If you suspect you didnt give her enough attention as a baby, she is still very young and you can give it to her now. Notice how she’s feeling, show her things, read to her, play with her. Enjoy her loveliness.
You cared for her as well as you possibly could in difficult circumstances and your partners vile behaviour was in no way your fault.

Lots of 2yo have speech and language issues. She’s on the waiting list and she’ll get help. In the meantime talk to her lots now, read lots of books to her and sing nursery rhymes. Narrate everything you are doing. The NHS website has tips for helping children develop their speech and understanding and so does the website every child a talker.

I think we all regret parts of our parenting journey, usually during times we were most vulnerable ourselves but doing what you can from this point will still give her the best start. She’s very young still and it isn’t too late.

My DD2 didn’t really start talking until about 2. She could talk before then but only odd words. Since she’s started, she’s rocketed ahead and uses words way beyond what I would expect for her age. Yes, we have always talked to her a lot and taken her to groups but do you know what else she does? Watches TVs/tablets. She loves the Storybots and learns so much from it. Space is a current favourite and she knows so much about gravity and the planets.

On the other hand, I have a friend who has two children a year apart. They never really watched anything (not a complete ban or anything just not much) and went to the park all the time and to baby groups, etc. My friend is always doing lots of activities with them at home too. She’s a great mum! Her eldest has speech delay and her youngest doesn’t.

Sometimes these things were going to happen regardless of anything the parent does. Please stop being so hard on yourself! You did the best for your DD when you were recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship. Your best in difficult circumstances was also so much better than a lot of children experience - your DD knew she was loved and you interacted with her so much.