I've damaged my child and the guilt is overwhelming

[AroundTheMulberryBush]

I had a baby back at the start of 2023 with my long term partner of 11 years. He had briefly cheated during the pregnancy and things just went downhill from there. We were spending a lot of time apart during the pregnancy due to the conflict from the cheating (which the first woman ended when she found out i was pregnant) and he eventually walked out on us for good and onto a new relationship when my baby was around 6 weeks old. He treated me awfully during this time, telling me we were nothing but coparents and that he didnt care for me in that way anymore, that he didnt find me attractive as i was fat/out of shape, shooing me away like a dog with hand motions while still sleeping with me. Yes, i had no self rescpect and was just trying to save the relationship so that I wasnt left a single mum as i knew i wouldn't cope. I was a mess, I lost 2 stone in weight as I was being sick even just sipping water. I was crying, begging, pleading with him to come back to us which did no good as he turned stone cold; little did i know he had moved on from us wirh someone else while still physically living with us and sleeping with me, hence why he was being so cold. I lost a lot of my hair and was basically walking around in a daze during this time.

We had to then move in with my father at the time as the house we had lived in was my ex partners which he had inherited from his mum.

I used to take my baby to classes most days ie baby sensory, rhyme time at the library etc. We'd go out and about for coffee or a browse round the shops. However when I got back to the house, I rememebe trying to hold in the tears from the car to the front door and as soon as I got in, putting my baby in my dad's arms, putting a nursery rhyme type program on TV and going through to my bedroom to just cry. I'd either be spending time crying or looking online for situations of people who had been through similar to me and trying to find answers as to why he had done what he had done and try to make sense of it. It was pathetic and I was an absolute mess during the first year of my daughters life and the only reason I kept going was for her. I stopped breastfeeding as i got put on antidepressants and didn't want to take the risk of them harming her. When she was sitting with my dad they'd just watch TV. My dad is a nice enough man but he wouldn't really interact with her much, just hold her while they watched TV. There were times when her and I had mummy daughter time in the house however I can't remember them, I just know from photos. I was honestly a mess at this time.

Fast forward 2 years later. My daughter, while very smart, has a speech delay and is on the waiting list for speech and language therapy. She also exhibits signs of sensory issues according to the nursery - doesn't like noise or big groups.

I feel overwhelmed with guilt that I've caused this, I've somehow damaged her with the neglect. I should've been holding her much more and interacting with her much more as a baby. Instead of her sat in front of a TV at at 5 months old staring at it. Also all of the stress hormones I experienced when pregnant have also probably affected her. I keep reading about babies brain development and I'm convinced that all of her issues are my fault. I did try to do my best but my best was nowhere near good enough, I was completely overwhelmed with being abandoned by her father and the heartbreak I was experiencing.

Is there any way that I can make up for the damage those early months caused, to help her develop normally? I can't bear the thought of her having difficulties in life caused by me being a shit mum to her in those early days. Is the damage even reparable? Please be gentle, as I say, I'm consumed with guilt about it all. I wanted to be the best mum to her but was just completely taken over by everything else going on in my life at the time.

@myplace has put it so beautifully, especially the first paragraph:

“myplace · Today 07:29

Sweetheart, none of us are as good mums as we wanted to be. We beat ourselves up, we panic about whether that glass of wine we had before we know we were pregnant is the reason they are struggling with x,y,z…
Accept that feeling as a being like a rainy day- it happens, it’s a bit shit, but there’s a sunny day coming soon. Feelings wash over us, sometimes they are chemical, sometimes circumstancial. We can choose how much we let them impact us.
You are a survivor. You kept yourself and your baby safe through a crappy situation. You moved on, you are looking around now and wondering how you both survived- but you did. Well done!
Your little one will have struggles, they may even be serious struggles, but you will rise to the challenge and do whatever you can to support her and help her grow up happy.”

Honestly, OP: it sounds like you and your father gave your little one a lovely start. Baby classes; lots of cuddles, warmth and safety - this will have been stimulating and nurturing for her; some stimulation from Baby TV. I was crap at breastfeeding and had to formula feed from
an early age but was surrounded by mums who had more milk than they knew what to do with. That was my first huge dose of mum guilt and many, many more followed for a range of reasons. As Vicki Iovine puts it - we’ve all seen pictures of Madonna with Child and that’s what a good mum looks like 😀!

Most of us start out determined to be the perfect mum and I think we have a tendency to look back and see only what we did wrong. I remember saying to a friend at one point that I thought my two would have done better with any mother but me; she said she felt the same. Mums are wired to give themselves a very hard time - exaggerate our mistakes and overlook everything we’re getting right.

But none of us is a perfect mum any more than we’re a perfect person. What your little one needs is a mum who’s good enough and you’re very much good enough. Your LO’s developmental delays seem huge now but they’re very common; you and she will overcome them and probably learn some extremely useful strengths and talents from them. You’ve got this, OP.

OMG OP, your strength of character is staggering. You managed to keep yourself alive - the fact that you got through that hell and your DD now still has a mum, is the absolute best thing you've done for her. Just think of her life if you were no longer here. And on top of that, you got away from a vile, abusive prick, who really would have damaged her if you'd stayed.

You are absolutely amazing - I get so fed up of reading about women who "can't" leave their vile partners, and allow their children to be massively damaged by them.

Your DD will be fine! Let this go, get some therapy if needs be, and enjoy your time with your lovely DD.

OP, you have done amazingly. My DD has verbal dyspraxia and my DS is autistic. I know I gave them the best start in life and couldn’t have done any more. However, they still have these diagnoses. They’re teens now and doing OK…

Your DC is still so young. You have so much time to continue to be a wonderful mum.

I left my kids dad when mine were 3 and 1. My eldest has ADHD and my youngest had speech delay. My youngest is now 14, babbles away and is on course for top English results etc. she’s a force to be reckoned with! Don’t panic!! My son is also (after a lot of trial and error and meds) on the right track. Did the split cause any of this? Who knows! I too have felt mum guilt but it’s turning out okay. Just focus on being the best mum you can be today. No kids grow up in a perfect family and most turn out fine x

She's still so little it could all be ok, and even if it isn't it won't be your fault, you did the best you could. No, it wasn't ideal, but you took her to places, and even when sat in front of the telly she was being held. Hopefully it sounds like you're doing more with her now.
Nursery were concerned about speech delay when my oldest was 2 (just after covid so no HV / professional support). It turned out he just didn't want to talk yet, hes 5 now an absolute chatterbox with lots of friends and doing well at school. Try not to worry, babyhood is gone, but toddlerhood is still here and there's so much you can do now in terms of bonding, positive interactions etc. Tbh babies are gorgeous but they are quite boring, mine got lots of love and cuddles but it's hard to keep "doing" doing when you dont get much back. Toddlers will interact and play all day long so its not too late. Also I know its a postcode lottery but will your HV be able to help? Our area has special playgroups for early years that aren't additional needs, but just need a bit more support, these were invaluable to me and I'd reccommend anyone to go if they could.

Please don't feel guilty it's not your fault. I am literally studying child development as part of my course at the moment and been working with kids with speech delay too. There's loads that can be done do you have a referral to speech and language? Does your nursery have a listening for sounds program? Also look up Twinkl podcasts they have episodes on speech and language that may help give you ideas, I found it very interesting and beneficial for my knowledge in the children I care for.
Does she still go to any groups or outings with you so socialise outside of nursery so you can see her behaviour for yourself? Whilst not liking loud noises can be indicative of ASD it doesn't necessarily mean there is ASD, some kids just don't like it or haven't been exposed to lots of noise so find it overwhelming. I see some kids in my class cover their ears when everyone shouts that absolutely show no other markers for ASD they just don't like the noise which is fair enough I don't like kids shouting next to my ears either.

You sound like a great mum OP! You really care, and have done your very best in a difficult circumstance, which is all anyone can ask.

FWIW too, it's the first 7 years of a child's life, which are the most formative. Your child must only be 2 at most, so there's still lots of time x

You did not cause this please stop that narrative immediately. You took her to baby classes and interacted with her when you could. I was a mess the first year of my DC's life, I walked around in a haze, many women are.

Children can have speech delays for a myriad of reasons so please stop beating yourself up, you are getting them the help they need now.

You have done up the best you could in very difficult circumstances, no human is perfect. Sometimes things are just as they are OP. I can empathise with how you are feeling, I got very upset when I found out my second son was dyslexic, how did I not know, what more could I have done etc. he is an adult now and despite only getting one GCSE pass, he works in a specialised area of tech, dyslexia hasn’t held him back at all. Try not to worry, your little one will be fine.

Aww OP, I get this. Different situation but I can barely even remember the year after my mum died, DD was 2 and I definitely did not give her what I could have in better circumstances. I look at photos of us together with no recollection of the moment, I was a shadow of myself and definitely detached from reality and emotionally from her.
I'm sure it has in some ways shaped her even though I tried my best.
The only thing I can do is accept that was my reality at the time and I tried my best.
Sending you best wishes in this new chapter for you. She's still so little and she knows you are there, you love her as does your dad and things can go from here x

Sitting cuddling with her grandad is lovely! Ignore anything you see about tv damaging kids. Obvs it’s not ideal (but how many of us doing everything ideal!!), but it’s far from awful that she sat with her grandad having cuddles! Honestly, the physical contact in that time will have been good for her.

It sounds like you’ve done a fantastic job in difficult circumstances.

i know lots of children from all walks of life, with different starts in life, who have language delay. You’re aware and you care - you’ll do as much as you can now- but honestly that’s all you can do! You haven’t damaged her.

And for what it’s worth… I didn’t have any of the issues you have, but my child’s first year is a blur! Especially the first 6 months.

So many of us wish we could go back and redo those first couple of years because we're convinced we didn't do it well enough. It won't stop you feeling guilty to just tell you to stop but your daughter had two adults, you and a grandparent, who done their best by her and the value of that is incredible. She was loved and cared for during that time to the best of your ability. She still is - you're getting her help now and you're trying to find out how to be an even better mum. Just keep loving her and doing your best.

Speech delays and sensory issues aren't uncommon and it's really, really unlikely that you caused them.

OP you have survived what sounds like an extremely traumatic time and I think it is clouding your judgement.
This is not your fault, it is what it is.
You have clearly done your best, and come through the other side. You should be proud of yourself.

Thank you for all the replies so far. I've had a quick read through and will reply properly once I've got the little one off to her fathers this afternoon. She's bouncing around at the moment and I don't generally tend to get a second to myself when I'm with her!

You didn't cause this. My son was born in 2020, so had lots of interactions with me and my husband during lockdown. He also went to a childminder from 10 months, so interacted a lot with people.

He was speech delayed at 2 years, has now finally caught up, but has a lot of behavioural issues in school now and there are strong indications he has special needs.

My first child started speaking at 11 months old. My second didn't say a word until he was over 2 and a half, but once he decided he wanted to speak, he communicated in full sentences from the get go. Every child is different and you've done your best, that's all anyone can ask of you. You will look back at this in 10 years and recognise it's just the anxiety and panic talking. You're doing a good job, and you're still very much in the beginning stages of parenthood. Give yourself a break.

She will be fine. The issues with TV are completely reversible. My mother tells me this is what she did when we were babies as she was depressed, and we are both intelligent and normal people with successful careers.
Their brains are still completely plastic at that age, no long term harm will come to her. I'm so sorry you feel this way.

You didn't cause this.
I had perfect pregnancy, eating vitamins, organic food, no stress.
Baby had a lot of talk, book reading, no TV during the first year.
Also didn't like big groups, noise etc from the word go.
Mine ended up autistic/ADHD and doing well now.
Sometimes those things just happen, despite even perfect circumstances.
Your baby will be fine with you as a mum.

I have boy and girl twins, they are 6 now. I had some anxirty during pregnancy about a course I was on. Plus covid anxiety. Plus I had a botched epidural (they decided to come out a few days before a planned section), and had to have surgeries for that so wasn’t around some of the time. I was wortied about the boy firstly, his sperch was delayed, had him assessed for autism, as he was obsessed with water play. (But I was told it’s within the norm and we are all a bit autistic at that age (3). You can’t shut him up now :-) he doesn’t make a lot of eye contact, but he makes friends, and if he’s on the spectrum, it’s not far along, so i’m pretty certain he’ll be high functioning anyway. I wasn’t worried about the girl, I am a bit now as she’s lost confidence and has a lot of self-denigrating talk, so am trying to counter that. So in short, they all develop at different steps, sometimes two steps forward, one step back, sometimes 10 steps forward.

OP. This is not your fault. We don’t default to being flawless when we become mothers. You should be so proud of how far you have come. I am so impressed by how focused you are on supporting your child and doing what you can for her. You can’t change the past but you can change the future. Not every day will be a win but as long as you keep doing your best you are everything your daughter needs.

I have kids with additional needs. It isn’t a race, it’s a journey. But your daughter is so young this might just be a blip and not a long term thing.

on the speech therapy side of things it is a lot of practice and repetition. I know they are very knowledgeable professionals and I am not discounting their skills but even just getting education from them and doing exercises that they recommend between appointments is what builds skills. Also ask your speechies about recommendations on books, podcasts, content creators. You will be amazed at the resources out there.

YOU ARE A GOOD MUM.

Don’t beat yourself up, it sounds like you did your best and your baby was loved and cared for. You took her out as much as you could and your dad provided cuddles. It really isn’t that bad! Lots of us struggle with a newborn. There is plenty of time to work on her speech and development now, this may well have happened anyway regardless of what you did or didn’t do in the early months.

Anecdotally, I was a late starter in terms or speaking, reading, and writing but went on to do fine at school, university and work and am a higher earner now so things might turn out just fine! It’s such early days.

There is SO MUCH you can do to support speech and language now. High quality talk with broad vocabulary, sharing books, theatre for kids, radio, podcasts, spending time together on errands and you have been given good reassurance - this is not uncommon! You haven’t damaged your daughter, far from it.

edited because the word Janet randomly appeared in my post 😳

You did amazing. Your ex is vile and the abuse he heaped on a pregnant vulnerable woman is despicable.
The key thing we can do for our kids is love them and your daughter won the pools on that one from you!