I've damaged my child and the guilt is overwhelming

[AroundTheMulberryBush]

I had a baby back at the start of 2023 with my long term partner of 11 years. He had briefly cheated during the pregnancy and things just went downhill from there. We were spending a lot of time apart during the pregnancy due to the conflict from the cheating (which the first woman ended when she found out i was pregnant) and he eventually walked out on us for good and onto a new relationship when my baby was around 6 weeks old. He treated me awfully during this time, telling me we were nothing but coparents and that he didnt care for me in that way anymore, that he didnt find me attractive as i was fat/out of shape, shooing me away like a dog with hand motions while still sleeping with me. Yes, i had no self rescpect and was just trying to save the relationship so that I wasnt left a single mum as i knew i wouldn't cope. I was a mess, I lost 2 stone in weight as I was being sick even just sipping water. I was crying, begging, pleading with him to come back to us which did no good as he turned stone cold; little did i know he had moved on from us wirh someone else while still physically living with us and sleeping with me, hence why he was being so cold. I lost a lot of my hair and was basically walking around in a daze during this time.

We had to then move in with my father at the time as the house we had lived in was my ex partners which he had inherited from his mum.

I used to take my baby to classes most days ie baby sensory, rhyme time at the library etc. We'd go out and about for coffee or a browse round the shops. However when I got back to the house, I rememebe trying to hold in the tears from the car to the front door and as soon as I got in, putting my baby in my dad's arms, putting a nursery rhyme type program on TV and going through to my bedroom to just cry. I'd either be spending time crying or looking online for situations of people who had been through similar to me and trying to find answers as to why he had done what he had done and try to make sense of it. It was pathetic and I was an absolute mess during the first year of my daughters life and the only reason I kept going was for her. I stopped breastfeeding as i got put on antidepressants and didn't want to take the risk of them harming her. When she was sitting with my dad they'd just watch TV. My dad is a nice enough man but he wouldn't really interact with her much, just hold her while they watched TV. There were times when her and I had mummy daughter time in the house however I can't remember them, I just know from photos. I was honestly a mess at this time.

Fast forward 2 years later. My daughter, while very smart, has a speech delay and is on the waiting list for speech and language therapy. She also exhibits signs of sensory issues according to the nursery - doesn't like noise or big groups.

I feel overwhelmed with guilt that I've caused this, I've somehow damaged her with the neglect. I should've been holding her much more and interacting with her much more as a baby. Instead of her sat in front of a TV at at 5 months old staring at it. Also all of the stress hormones I experienced when pregnant have also probably affected her. I keep reading about babies brain development and I'm convinced that all of her issues are my fault. I did try to do my best but my best was nowhere near good enough, I was completely overwhelmed with being abandoned by her father and the heartbreak I was experiencing.

Is there any way that I can make up for the damage those early months caused, to help her develop normally? I can't bear the thought of her having difficulties in life caused by me being a shit mum to her in those early days. Is the damage even reparable? Please be gentle, as I say, I'm consumed with guilt about it all. I wanted to be the best mum to her but was just completely taken over by everything else going on in my life at the time.

My mum tells stories of how after having me and was breastfeeding she left my brother in front of the tv ALOT. And he liked Australian soaps and basically had an Australian accent.

hes a lawyer now.

you didn’t cause this!

I was with my son and interacting with him constantly as a baby. He never had screen time. Loads of books and chats and attention. Breastfed for 20 months. He still had speech delays and sensory issues - because he's autistic/adhd. Now he's 11, he's very very verbal, huge vocab, loads of sensory issues still (but then so do I) but he handles them so much better... my big regret is that I didn't realise he needed more help around 2 or 3. I WISH I'd done the early intervention. I just didn't know what I was doing/ what was normal, plus he was the worst sleeper so I was in a haze of exhaustion. But he's coping really well. He's very intelligent and funny and loving and he knows he's loved. You can't beat yourself up. You did your best at the time, and you're doing your best now which is better than me at that age as you're getting her support. And I'm a good mum. So are you.

I agree with that, I think you are amazing and did what you could in a horrible situation.

Your daughter is still very little, she will catch up, you watch! You have not damaged her.

Concentrate on the pair of you being healthy and having a good life from now on. All will be well.

Lots of love and luck to you. xxx

Ohhhhhh OP, you can let this go. You've been amazing. So strong to deal with how you were treated and to care for your daughter and meet her needs.

It is completely likely that any issues she has are ones she would have had in any scenario, including whatever dream ones you think other perfect people have.

It says a lot about you as a person that you're prepared to reflect and think how to be better, but don't let that slip into beating yourself up. Lots of people don't ever consider their behaviour, at all, and stumble blindly on.

Has someone properly checked your DD's hearing? Lots of hearing problems going undiagnosed now and only being picked up through speech and language delay.

Well done! Keep going, pat yourself on the back!

I’m so sorry that you went through such a terrible time with such a terrible man. I went through a kind of similar time during my first pregnancy, although without the unkindness from him, and also became very depressed after the birth. Those early months of motherhood are a hugely vulnerable time, our hormones are all over the place, we’re living off broken sleep etc and add on the traumatic experience you had it’s no wonder you were in such a bad place.

Whilst depressed with my first daughter I didn’t even take her to baby classes like you managed to do and we rarely even went into a supermarket. But her speech was always advanced, she was speaking in sentences just after 18 months. I now have a second son who I did take to baby classes and wasn’t depressed during the first few months with - he’s now 2 and can’t even put two words together yet. This is just to reassure you that all children are different and develop at different rates.

Your daughter was living in a safe home with kind people who love her - this is enough. You did your best with what you were able to do and you should be proud of yourself.

On a practical note though, one thing I have found to help with speech is to read a lot of books to the child and to talk about the pictures on the page with them and ask what they can see/point out the different animals/people/trees etc. I also read familiar books and let the children fill in the last words of the sentences (I like Julia Donaldson books for this!)

Being practical, just talk constantly to your dc. Look, there is a bird, it’s a blue bird, do you see the blue bird, it’s like the colour of the sky, do you think the sky is blue… utter dribble but it all helps.

I hope your ex is paying you child support.

Oh love, well done. WELL DONE.

You succeeded in doing what so many women don't have the strength to do.

You saved her and yourself from a vile, cold, cheating abusive bastard.

You took her to the sanctuary of a safe home with your own dad who loves you both. Being quietly with him in front of the TV is lovely for them both.

If she does have issues it's quite possible she inherited them from her father.

And if you'd stayed with him, imagine the mess you and your DD would be in now?

Well done.

👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏

OP this is absolutely nothing you have caused, you are a good mum and that shows in how much you care. Some babies and children have these issues, she is still very young and there is lots of help out there for her to develop.

I developed post natal OCD, I got to a point where I couldn’t even bath my baby or make them a drink. There’s nothing that I can do about the past - I know how much I had to overcome and I have a lovely bond with both of my children now and I’m making up for any lost moments. There are many mums on here who will have had post natal depression of some kind. The fact that you have worked through your issues and are there for your daughter is huge - she is lucky to have you xx

I mean this kindly but I think you are somewhat catastrophising. Being cuddled in front of the telly by her grandad is not the worst care in the world for a very young baby. It's not ideal if he didn't talk to her as much as he could have, but she was held and comforted, she wasn't left distressed and you're present and able to prioritise her now.

Edited to add that of course you're worried and upset that she's having some issues now but they're unlikely to have been substantially caused by you.

YOU were the one who kept going and looked after your daughter in the face of absolute scumbaggery from her waste-of-space father. You are an absolute hero and your daughter is extremely lucky to have you.

IF your daughter's speech delay is caused by stress hormones during pregnancy and watching TV at a young age, you are NOT the one to blame for that- her father is. However, it's likely that has nothing to do with it- my daughter also has a speech delay despite having two loving mummies, both of whom are teachers, who have spoken to her constantly from birth. We suspect autism, but she's obviously too young for a diagnosis.

Just make sure you talk and read to your daughter lots, and stop wasting emotional energy on blaming yourself when you did an amazing job holding it all together.

Fast forward 2 years later. My daughter, while very smart, has a speech delay and is on the waiting list for speech and language therapy. She also exhibits signs of sensory issues according to the nursery - doesn't like noise or big groups.

All 3 of my children have never liked noise or big groups. Both of my sons have needed SLT, and the last one has sensory issues. None of them experienced anything that you describe in early childhood, they just are who they are. And so is your child.

You survived, and you did what you had to do. And I’m so sorry that not only did you experience feeling that shit, but that you now have this additional worry and guilt about having felt so shit! Give yourself a break.

I've got two daughters. One with sensory issues, delays with gross and fine motor skills. Both had the same babyhood. They are all just built differently. You need to cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself. It sounds like your dad did his best and you were there, even if distracted.

Nothing you did or didn't do has caused her speech delay. She'll be fine. My daughter wasn't talking much at all at that age and I was so worried.

I'm just relieved you didn't go back to your Ex.

Be kind to yourself.
Look after yourself.
Be glad that he doesn't see her much to negatively influence her.

He's not a nice human being.

Don't worry about the other child and his your daughter week feel later on. She has you. You love her and she can count on you.

He on the other hand, is a useful as a chocolate 🫖

i was nowwhre near as good a mum as i wanted to be

No-one is!

We go on lots of little adventures and have fun together. I just wish I could've done all of this when she was a tiny baby and she might've had no issues.

Babies mainly eat, sleep and poo, she's not missed anything. This isn't your fault I've heard nothing in your posts that suggests it's something you did 💐

This.

None of this is your fault - it really isn’t so please stop blaming yourself. Your daughter will be ok - she really will.

what you’ve been through with an abusive partner, discarding you when you were at your most vulnerable would be devastating for anyone.

No one’s damaged anyone. You’ve been through a period of extreme stress, you and your baby will be just fine, the fact you care about her development and love her are enough.

OP- I went through appalling PND when DS1 was born. I had NONE of the issues you had. I just got awful PND. I barely managed rhyme time once a week on a Tuesday and my Ds also spent way too much time in front of the tv- often on his own - because I was mostly alone (DH worked abroad).

You interacted with your DD several hundred times more than I was capable of.

Ds did not speak until he was nearly 5 and was in nappies until then as well. He has global development delay though (diagnosed) but this is due to him having a terrible birth where he had to be resuscitated and he lost oxygen. .Can't tell you how many times I have blamed myself for not insisting on a c-section. That is a long story though. He is nearly 15 now and I did not come out of my depression until he was 3. That is around when I made it my mission to give him every enrichment opportunity I could. At 15 he is still a bit behind his peers emotionally but oh my heck he won't stop talking! His language is incredibly developed for his age, and he recently had a leading role in the school play. He's happy, he's doing great at school, he has a friend he has hobbies and he has a brilliant relationship with his cat. He's kind, gentle, loving and fills my heart with immense joy.

There is a saying- don't look back- you are not going that way. Not only did you do your best in a dreadful situation- you did a brilliant job ANYWAY. Daily classes and leaving your DD safe with a loving grandparent- that is something many children never had. Mine didn't! Your DD is tiny still. She may have speech delay, but given her age it sounds like still well within the range of normal. Focus on your future.

You have done incredibly well to recover from such an appalling man. I wish you the very very best.

You did not damage your daughter! Please do not blame yourself, it sounds as though you did everything you could to protect her from what you were dealing with internally and for that you should be praising yourself! I was expecting to read something harrowing, but all I read was a mum who was dealing with a tragic time in her life giving her daughter the best care she could and keep her child safe.

Please be kinder to yourself, you did not neglect your daughter and you aren’t the cause of her speach delay or sensory issues.

Love yourself a bit more, mama!

Not your fault. They know nothing about brain development - that is what they say at med schools (I was surprised to find out), according to my niece, who is a med student. She is tiny - now you have all the time in the world to turn her into anything - a brilliant pianist, an outstanding linguist, the list is endless. You should concentrate on the present, not on the past. But put on your own mask on first, as they say when flying - be happy, or content if not possible to be happy - and your baby will pick up on your contentment now - nothing is lost, it is not too late.

Listen I had 4 kids in a busy, active stimulating household with practically no screens (back in the day) but no 3 still had a speech delay resulting in SALT input. That was just him. Some kids do. He got the input, his speech did develop albeit delayed, and he is now a chatty 21 year old indistinguishable from his siblings.
please be kind to yourself, you have nothing to blame yourself for.

Wow! What an amazing mum to have got her away from that toxic man and to be modelling self respect.
Her speech will catch up. She will be in a world where she is only seeing love, not a toxic relationship. Well done.

The best gift you can give your kid is your happiness as a person and mother. If you’re miserable you pass that on, if you are happy you pass that on. Starting with a gratitude journal. Be grateful that your dad was able to sit calmly with your daughter and be grateful that you are on a healing journey.
I have been a helicopter parent due to trauma and that anxiety has imprinted on my daughter who is now a teen. We are both working out slowly how to undo this but every day is a small improvement. Start to enjoy life, things will be fine

I really feel for you, that was a huge amount for you to manage when pregnant and postpartum. Lots of time being held and looked after by her grandad sounds wonderful, especially for a little girl whose dad is a waste of space.

Please try to stop wasting energy on wondering if you caused any problems. You're spending your energy on all the right stuff, helping your little one tackle the challenges she has right now. Don't sink yourself by adding a guilt trip on top.

Hello, do you think that now that things have settled down, you might be allowing yourself to grieve for the terrible time you went through when she was born? And that terrible time meant that you also lost the time you would have really wanted to have had with your baby? Looking at it this way, you sadness now is completely natural and might even be a sign that those awful times are coming to an end. You might be recovering from the terrible way your ex treated you and your baby, and beginning to feel the sadness about that special time of life. Being a mum is so hard and it’s natural also to feel guilty for when things don’t go according to plan with our children. It sounds as though you don’t have your own mum. I really hope that you will feel this sadness pass in time, as you and your little girl go through the stages of toddlerhood and beyond. I think it’s completely natural to feel these awful feelings and I think being a mother means getting used to feeling sometimes that we didn’t handle things as we would have wanted to but you are doing your very best. I think your daughter will know this one day. Hoping you are getting lots of support x