I've damaged my child and the guilt is overwhelming

[AroundTheMulberryBush]

I had a baby back at the start of 2023 with my long term partner of 11 years. He had briefly cheated during the pregnancy and things just went downhill from there. We were spending a lot of time apart during the pregnancy due to the conflict from the cheating (which the first woman ended when she found out i was pregnant) and he eventually walked out on us for good and onto a new relationship when my baby was around 6 weeks old. He treated me awfully during this time, telling me we were nothing but coparents and that he didnt care for me in that way anymore, that he didnt find me attractive as i was fat/out of shape, shooing me away like a dog with hand motions while still sleeping with me. Yes, i had no self rescpect and was just trying to save the relationship so that I wasnt left a single mum as i knew i wouldn't cope. I was a mess, I lost 2 stone in weight as I was being sick even just sipping water. I was crying, begging, pleading with him to come back to us which did no good as he turned stone cold; little did i know he had moved on from us wirh someone else while still physically living with us and sleeping with me, hence why he was being so cold. I lost a lot of my hair and was basically walking around in a daze during this time.

We had to then move in with my father at the time as the house we had lived in was my ex partners which he had inherited from his mum.

I used to take my baby to classes most days ie baby sensory, rhyme time at the library etc. We'd go out and about for coffee or a browse round the shops. However when I got back to the house, I rememebe trying to hold in the tears from the car to the front door and as soon as I got in, putting my baby in my dad's arms, putting a nursery rhyme type program on TV and going through to my bedroom to just cry. I'd either be spending time crying or looking online for situations of people who had been through similar to me and trying to find answers as to why he had done what he had done and try to make sense of it. It was pathetic and I was an absolute mess during the first year of my daughters life and the only reason I kept going was for her. I stopped breastfeeding as i got put on antidepressants and didn't want to take the risk of them harming her. When she was sitting with my dad they'd just watch TV. My dad is a nice enough man but he wouldn't really interact with her much, just hold her while they watched TV. There were times when her and I had mummy daughter time in the house however I can't remember them, I just know from photos. I was honestly a mess at this time.

Fast forward 2 years later. My daughter, while very smart, has a speech delay and is on the waiting list for speech and language therapy. She also exhibits signs of sensory issues according to the nursery - doesn't like noise or big groups.

I feel overwhelmed with guilt that I've caused this, I've somehow damaged her with the neglect. I should've been holding her much more and interacting with her much more as a baby. Instead of her sat in front of a TV at at 5 months old staring at it. Also all of the stress hormones I experienced when pregnant have also probably affected her. I keep reading about babies brain development and I'm convinced that all of her issues are my fault. I did try to do my best but my best was nowhere near good enough, I was completely overwhelmed with being abandoned by her father and the heartbreak I was experiencing.

Is there any way that I can make up for the damage those early months caused, to help her develop normally? I can't bear the thought of her having difficulties in life caused by me being a shit mum to her in those early days. Is the damage even reparable? Please be gentle, as I say, I'm consumed with guilt about it all. I wanted to be the best mum to her but was just completely taken over by everything else going on in my life at the time.

OP you've done and are doing so well.
Sounds like she had plenty of stimulation and love (those Grandad moments sound like bliss).
Like you and so many new mums I had a lot of stress in 2 pregnancies and their early life due to domestic abuse.
Which is the perpetrators fault and not yours.

You're giving her an excellent start. You haven't caused any problems. Speech delay isn't uncommon.

Not liking loud noises or big groups at nursery also must be the experience of lots of little kids.

You've not missed the boat of her wellbeing and development you're fully supporting her. And in fact again like so many of us you were having such a difficult time and yet you still went to the groups, the shops and into the world.

I spent many hours with my 2 reading all the lovely children's picture books. They loved it. I read to them when I couldn't think what else to do. Sometimes I read to them so tired that I'd nod off and they'd wake me up to carry on.

This was from when they were 2 and 3 until about 11. They are 16 months apart.

Both had slightly delayed speech. Which resolved itself. I mean, speech delay itself is an arbitrary standard isn't it? DS1 especially was later but is now articulate and chatty.

You are a good conscientious and loving mum. You haven't done any damage.

If it's overwhelming please consider some therapy. I know the waiting lists are long for NHS.

I haven’t had time to read the full thread OP but I’m a SAHM and my children both had a lot of input from me and family time etc and one had very early speech, no issues, and the other had very delayed speech and now a quite serious speech disorder which needs lots of help. Both children were raised the same, these things happen to all sorts of children from different backgrounds

You were a victim of abuse and you survived. You are going to be in your daughter’s life and show her that single parent - equals independent parents with a strong shark cage, great boundaries, great friends, works hard and loves and cares for her daughter beyond measure. Are like a tea bag, in hot water you might have be weak tea for a short time but now you are stronger for it. You are healing. You will show her to have strong boundaries without losing empathy, love and kindness.

How do I know this- from your words. From your reflection, love for your daughter leaps out from every word.

As mums the bar is so high from men, the media, books, society - you can only fall short never be 100%. Do your best in any given moment.

One of my children was born with a problem, we didn’t know - and it didn’t get diagnosed until 4, I thought I was the worst mum in the world. But you know what that child is nearly 18, got a place at 4 universities to study a medical degree and their disability does not define them - they don’t survive thrive. You too will thrive.

Many children need speech and language therapy - if you want to help her - get some therapy for you, read to her every morning and every evening. Play word games - please PM if you want some ideas - or start a thread - how can I support my child with speech and language difficulties. My other child went from 4 years behind 5 years ago to on track and then 2 months ahead with their speech and language progress, and you can have fun doing it.

But please stop punishing yourself. Now this minute. Do not let trauma win - you win. You are going to be your best friend from this day forward. Forever.

You’re getting lots of good advice and help here, OP, as you deserve. I just want to add my voice to all the others saying you did a brilliant job in the awful circumstances caused by your ex.

The child I feel sorry for is the next one your worthless ex fathered. And any others unlucky enough to have him in their lives.

Your DD, on the other hand, has a wonderful loving mum, and grandad too!

Please don’t beat yourself up OP. Ds1 had a slight speech delay (bilingual). He was accessed by a lovely SALT who said he didn’t need any salt therapy. She also said that TV like CBeebies is often infact beneficial as it is designed with SALT input. Ds1 started speaking full sentences within a few weeks and now never stops talking.😅

I always have the TV or nursery rhymes in the background when we’re in the house. Ds2 is 1 and is very advanced with his speaking and milestones. He also goes to a lot less playgroups than ds1 did.

All children are different and some will hit milestones quicker than others.

Your ex was horrible to you, I’m so sorry to hear what you went through, that sounds really rough. You’re a strong woman, please don’t blame yourself.

It might’ve been mentioned already, but has your daughter been checked for glue ear? I’m not a medical professional, but one of my friends is going through similar with her child.

Please don't feel bad mama your a good mum your doing your best. Lots of children have speech delay and I promise it's nothing you did or didn't do .

Op there’s extensive research that shows that the brain can repair itself and even very traumatised babies can recover.

it sounds like you are a very good parent and I’m not sure you’ve damaged your child. But even if you think that when she was with your dad she wasn’t being correctly cared for, this can be made up for now.

in my opinion when a parent is going through a terrible time emotionally, using screens or even less than perfect babysitters, is ok. It’s absolutely fine to get through bad times and rely on the tv, fast food, whatever it is to support you while you get through it.

Don’t beat yourself up. Be proud. Fantastic that baby is having these assessments. That’s because of you, your parenting is getting her any support she needs. Speech and language therapy can be incredibly effective in a short time frame.

I’ve been through hellish times myself. I get it.
make sure you find some good friends so you can share the burdens of worry. I wish you every happiness

Its not you but your ex who caused this whole situation!!

Hope you manage to get therapy for yourself to get a better place. Your daughter will catch up. Dont beat yourself up. Concentrate on getting better.

OP your post has made me cry. Please stop blaming yourself - you are not to blame. Every mum thinks they could have done better and I certainly am one of them. This is your anxiety and poor mental health finding another thing to attack yourself for. Stop it. You did the best you could do at the time. You did the absolute best you could do. In time you will see that and be proud of what you have achieved. Mothering her with no support from that arsehole. Be kinder to yourself and never say one kind word to that dickhead again. You have coped and you are coping. Take care and get some professional support - counselling instead of just medication. Xx

You definitely HAVE NOT caused this for your daughter. Doing classes and spending time with your dad and the TV is fine- it may not be your version of ideal - which makes you a great parent- but it is most certainly not damaging to her in the a ways you fear. My neighbour has two tvs and her kids do nothing but watch TV. I’ve never even seen one of them outside in 3 years. That is neglect. You did nothing wrong, you survived - you won. Please be kinder to yourself. You are a great mother and you have so much wisdom to pass on to your daughter and it’s clear how much you care for her. How she is now is not how she will always be; children develop at different times! Panic not. Do something lovely for yourself as a congratulations to you for getting away from that shitbag and doing right for yourself and your daughter. Imagine if you’d stayed- late speech would be the least of your problems; as she would be vulnerable to abuse and future abuse in her life from other men from seeing such an example from her father. Take the win @AroundTheMulberryBush and give yourself some kindness xoxoxoxo

I’m so sorry you’ve had a shit time. I would like to say I almost did the opposite, in a way, read to my baby daily, tummy time, play matts, toys, sensory toys, speaking and talking and playing, ryhme time etc, and my 2 YO is the same. Speech delay, doesn’t speak, and is obviously on the spectrum (waiting for a diagnosis). Please don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes it’s nature not nurture.

I would also add I didn’t have a particularly stressful pregnancy. Be kind to yourself.

With kindness, would you say you have a pattern of obsessing over a problem in your life? Now that you’re over the ex, do you think you could be repeating the negative spiralling behaviour, but focused on your child?
If this is a pattern (and it might not be) it’s worth identifying and working on it.
Either way, you have come far and can clearly keep going.

I think you are asking about attachment theory?
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/secure-attachment/

Focus on this. You can also do loads to help with speech and language. Read to your child and play with them regularly. Get sat down and play eg teddies, toy kitchen, outdoors a lot too. Kids bond most that way. Prepare food together. Spend as much time as possible valuing your child. As a mother they learn most from you. Especially important for under 5s. Definitely not too late!

You have done, are doing, and will do absolutely fine. And sometimes you will do just ok and sometimes you will do brilliantly. Like all of us. As parents, as humans. Please be kind to yourself, as you deserve it x

It’s not your child who’s damaged - it’s you! And that is entirely NOT your fault. You need to focus on rebuilding your life and learning to be safe and fulfilled. Everything else will work itself out.

Hi, OP -

You truly sound like a wonderful mum, and your little girl sound pretty wonderful also.

Sadly many of us live with a lot of unwarranted guilt. I hope you realise by now that you are a member of the club. And I hope you can do something about it, for your own sake and your DD’s.

You’ve said she is smart and I believe you. Here is another story: my wonderful DB was also slow to talk, bit clearly smart. He didn’t do much more than grunt and point until he was nearly 3. Then he caught up fast and became a complete chatterbox! He did have speech therapy.

He grew up to get an Ivy League PhD in America and have a wonderful career involving a fair amount of public speaking.

This is absolutely not your fault OP. It is highly likely that the developmental delay would have been there anyway. She is loved, you kept her safe, you took her out and about and when you needed some time, she was left with a loving grandparent. Yes TV isn't great for little ones but she got a lot more than that from life in those earlier months.

Be kind to yourself and remember that no parent is perfect.

I think you are a great mum. One day you will look back and see it clearly. You will realise that despite bad circumstances you did everything you could and more and that you are bloody fantastic.

I've had a proper read through all the posts. Thank you for all the kind words. I know on a logical level, what a lot of you are saying is true and I probably didn't cause as much damage as I'm imagining, but I can't truly believe it if that makes sense? It's like there is the logical part of my brain and then how I feel, and how I feel is overriding everything else.

To answer a few of the questions on the thread.

-Yes, she's had a hearing test, both the newborn one and one that she was referred for by the HV when she was around 1, and everything seems fine on that front.

-I am undergoing therapy, EMDR for everything I went through during pregnancy/the first little while of my little ones life because of my ex, along with childhood trauma (which is why my mum isn't in any of our lives).

-Thank you for the person who suggested creating a post about how to help with speech and langauge development, I might very well do that. We are on SaLT's waiting list but I have been reading lots of books with her and asking lots of questions/pointing things out.

-Yes her dad provides child support. £300 a month despite being a multi millionaire due to inheritance from grandparents but that's another story! I'm grateful to recieve it as I know many don't receive anything and it helps with little trips that I take her on/pays bills etc.

Sorry if I've missed any questions, there were lots of posts, every single one which were very much appreciated. I am definitely going to try some self compassion as suggested by pp's as I know I'm being very harsh on myself.

Let me tell you a story about some ex neighbours of mine. Their older children had been taken into care, but for some reason SS left their DD with them. She started life with little adult interaction and the TV on all the time. Her parents really were dreadful, aggressive and anti-social. I noticed when she was around 3 or 4 that she just mumbled all the time, like she was murmuring quietly, but didn’t actually speak. She was referred for speech therapy when she started school and quickly began to speak well. Her parents remained worse than useless but She had a lot of support at school and we neighbours would often help her with homework or chat to her. I bumped into her a few years ago. She told me she was at university, studying child development!
She achieved all this despite her parental home. Imagine the possibilities for your child, with you - their strong, capable mother - behind them!

Just wanted to echo everyone here and say that watching TV with grandad won’t have caused a speech delay. A lot of stuff about screens and speech is scaremongering. Many, many generations of children have watched TV as babies, for whatever reason (working parents, big family/older siblings, health problems in the family). In some households it’s on from morning to bedtime. I am not saying that right but lots of those children still hit their speech milestones. In some cases - for example with gestalt language processors - it may even have helped them learn.

She will absolutely catch up op and won’t even remember. It will make no difference to her life in the long run. I was a mess for the first years of my children’s’ lives due to their dad being emotionally abusive to both me and them. They must have been affected at the time but they’re now in their 20’s and don’t remember that time at all. They have discovered their dad’s an areshole though. The point is they’re in good relationships, careers and happy with their lot.

Forget the past and look forward to a bright future for you and your dd.