Unkind remarks about my appearance

[Pocketfluff1]

My son is nearly 7 and has recently started taking more of an interest in girls and mentioning it when he thinks they are pretty.

The other side to this is that he has become much more critical of my appearance. Before he was born, I struggled with eating disorders, self harm, suicidal ideation, all the rest of it, and have tried hard to overcome my self-hatred. I try not to talk about what I or anyone else looks like in front of my children because I want them to know that it really doesn’t matter. Yet recently my son has made remarks about my looks, my size and my age and comparing me negatively to other women we know. I am in my late 30s, 5’2” and have been 8 1/2 stone or less since I was about 12 (when not anorexic or pregnant) so I honestly don’t think I’m doing too badly. But when I question him, he just says “Sorry, I’m just telling the truth”. It’s making me feel like shit and bringing all the horrible old feelings back!

My husband says we can’t do anything to change his opinion, we can only tell him to keep it to himself, but even knowing that he thinks this way about me hurts.

I don’t really know why I am posting this, I guess I just wanted to tell someone.

Kids can be rude, tell him he’s being rude and hurtful and that’s not how we treat people we love. Ignore.

What comments is he making?

I’m no beauty and quite overweight but my kids both tell me I’m beautiful quite often.

I’m not sure if they really think I am, or if they are just being kind. I’m also not sure why your son would say anything negative about your appearance.

if I annoy my kids they will fling some insults my way….but never about my appearance. I think they know that’s going too far.

so I get the impression this has more to do with your son than you. Please don’t let it affect your confidence.

You want to nip that nasty, judgemental behaviour in the bus. Rude and disrespectful.

He's 6. He's not learned tact and diplomacy as yet. You tell him that people come in all shapes and sizes and it's rude and unkind to compare and say negative things about it.

You also need to remember that he is a small child and just because he thinks things, it doesn't mean it's true. It's your job to put him right, and you're taking his comments to heart way too much.

I often used to tell my children that it's fine to think things, but that doesn't mean it's fine for them to come out of their mouth!

Why is a 6 year old boy ‘taking more of an interest’ in girls? Where is this coming from?

Neither my 10 year old or 15 year old boys have ever commented to me or within my earshot about girls being pretty or not. Does your family discuss people’s appearances much?

He's almost seven and he's making comments about girls and women already? You and your husband need to firmly nip that in the bud now. Where is he getting this from that he thinks this is ok?

As pp has said you pull him up on it and you do so hard. It is unacceptable. Ask him if he likes upsetting you, make no bones about the fact that him being honest is unnecessary and it is mean behaviour. If you cannot say something kind about someone you do not need to voice that opinion. End of. I would go a step further and tell him if he talks to you like that then there will be consequences, removal of a privilege, hopefully there is something that matters to him, he need to learn fast that upsetting you because he’s being “honest” is very shitty behaviour (although obvs don’t use that language). Plus tell him that people use being honest as an excuse to be nasty and you didn’t think he wants to be nasty to people. Lay it on thick.

This whole situation screams red flags.

It's not ok for a 7yo to be talking about you or anyone else in this way.

I think that's a bit odd for a 7 year old. My boys at that age would not have said stuff like that unless teasing me or angry with me. And I also think they would have been really upset if they thought they had hurt me. Why does he think that's an ok thing to say? Why is he not upset that he has clearly hurt you? Also what has your husband done about this, he is setting a good example. He needs to stand up and say don't talk to your mother like that, she is my beautiful wife and your devoted mother. I think there is more going on here than is being said.

I would also like to know where this is coming from. Neither of my sons or daughters did this. I'm afraid YOU have a responsibility to sort this out; model the good behaviour, discipline poor behaviour and discuss with him about empathy, diplomacy and good manners. Your partner sounds a bit ineffectual TBH.
Exactly what remarks is he making about you? Also "not doing too badly" no offence sounds like you are judging there too... so presumably a 13 stone woman in her 40s IS doing badly?!?

I too would really wonder where this is coming from! I have a six year old girl and she doesn't make judgements on anyones looks. She does talk about 'boufriends' but also talks about marrying her girl friends when they're older

Exactly! And why is he noting people's appearances and commenting? I would want to nip all of this in the bud sharply!

Agree.

You need to take a closer look at his friendship groups.

He likes a girl in his class and he says he thinks she is pretty. I don’t think it is sexual if that’s what people are insinuating.

This was something he just started talking randomly, we’ve never really discussed anything like that before. I have no idea where it came from, we don’t allow internet access or anything like that, but I know some of his friends’ parents do, so maybe it’s something they talk about at school, I don’t know.

Six is extremely young to be mentioning girls looks? Do you have any idea where this has come from?

Sorry cross post

This is a concern. He’s 6 years old and interested in whether girls are ‘pretty’ or not?

you need to stop this behaviour now. He doesn’t get to go round declaring which women and girls he thinks are pretty and listing your faults. That’s very odd behaviour for such a young child. Where has it come from?

I wondered that too.

could You teach him the 30 seconds or less rule? If someone can’t change something about their appearance in 30 seconds or less e.g they have food on their face, their buttons done up wonky then you should never comment on their appearance-because there’s nothing they can do about it so your comment is hurtful not helpful. 7 is still very young to fully understand how wrong his comments are. could it be that he’s using a negative behaviour to cause a big reaction in you because he wants your attention?

My thoughts too. Very odd.

If you’re 8.5 stone you must be very slim but I get the impression from your tone that he was suggesting you were heavy? If so then that’s crazy.

Not sure many 6 year olds boys would understand the concept of being pretty. At that age it’s generally about how annoying the girls are.

I wasn’t inferring it’s sexual. I was more thinking about what he may be seeing if he has a tablet. But if you don’t allow internet access at home you need to look elsewhere.

He has learned this from somewhere. It’s your role to teach him right from wrong.

I hope you’re ok. It’s hurtful and in honesty I’m surprised by your DHs reaction. My DH would certainly have something to say if one the of children commented on my appearance negatively.

I find all of this quite hard to believe.

He shouldn’t be voicing who is ‘pretty’ or who isn’t. Commenting on people’s appearances, positively or negatively, isn’t something he should be doing.