Unkind remarks about my appearance

[Pocketfluff1]

My son is nearly 7 and has recently started taking more of an interest in girls and mentioning it when he thinks they are pretty.

The other side to this is that he has become much more critical of my appearance. Before he was born, I struggled with eating disorders, self harm, suicidal ideation, all the rest of it, and have tried hard to overcome my self-hatred. I try not to talk about what I or anyone else looks like in front of my children because I want them to know that it really doesn’t matter. Yet recently my son has made remarks about my looks, my size and my age and comparing me negatively to other women we know. I am in my late 30s, 5’2” and have been 8 1/2 stone or less since I was about 12 (when not anorexic or pregnant) so I honestly don’t think I’m doing too badly. But when I question him, he just says “Sorry, I’m just telling the truth”. It’s making me feel like shit and bringing all the horrible old feelings back!

My husband says we can’t do anything to change his opinion, we can only tell him to keep it to himself, but even knowing that he thinks this way about me hurts.

I don’t really know why I am posting this, I guess I just wanted to tell someone.

I’d be looking at closer to home for where it’s coming from.

I’ve always told my kids: If you notice something about someone that they can’t change in the next 5 seconds, then you do not need to point it out.
For example: if you don’t like a friend’s new haircut? You do not need to voice that opinion. Keep it to yourself.
If they’ve got a bit of broccoli in their teeth? Quietly let them know!

All very strange

Do you make comments like this about yourself @Pocketfluff1 ? Does your DH?

“an interest in girls” really does sound very strange for a six year old

Where is he getting this from? My son is the same age and just I can't imagine him or his friends saying something like that.

When he talks about girls he tells me which girls in his class he would marry if he was a grown up but that he never would marry them because they don't like football. He also tells me I look beautiful all the time (and points out when I have a new grey hair but I think he's just trying to be helpful).

You need to find out who is modelling this stuff to him.

@TuddlyCoy Ugh, forget it. Your kind of judgemental and moralising self righteousness is exactly why I hate posting on here.

You know nothing about how my “partner” or I are addressing the situation.

By “not doing too badly” I am not making any comment on anybody else. I am just saying that I am obviously not fat as my son says. But I think you know that, you’re just one of those people who looks for ways to show that you are morally superior to others. Mumsnet is full of them and you really ruin it for everyone.

Firstly you don’t need anyone else’s approval you are enough and need to be proud of who you are OP.

Secondly you need to teach your son to be kind and very firmly challenge every single judgemental thing he says. It is unusual for seven years of age. Has he heard DH speaking like this? Where is this coming from? Friends with older siblings? Teach him compassion and kindness, raise a lovely man.

Odd behaviour given his age. Is there any possibility he’s picked up on you having particular focus on weight/diet/food? Even if you’re not doing it consciously, children are shockingly good at detecting things.

Nip it in the bud, it’s wildly inappropriate behaviour.

Well you did say your partner said you can't change his opinion.. I would strongly disagree and take that as a bit of a 'shrugs shoulders' response - if that's not the case you could just calmly say that, I think you've unfairly ripped a strip off that poster!

What he's saying is hurtful and rude and I'd be coming down on him like a ton of bricks (verbally ofc!) and I don't mean shouting, I mean a really serious conversation showing him a) he is hurting your feelings a lot and b) that it is beyond unacceptable to make these kind of comments about people's bodies.

Remind him that bodies and people come in all different shapes and sizes and that bodies are there to do amazing jobs for us like using our legs to run, eyes to see etc, not to look a certain way.

There can be “pretty” people who are really mean and horrible and “not as pretty” people who are wonderfully kind and nice. It’s what’s on the inside that matters.

Start focusing on people’s qualities when speaking to him and make sure you’re not talking negatively about your own body around him.

Bit of an overreaction there, OP. Posters are only responding to what you’ve told them. Your husband is taking a surprisingly laid-back approach to very concerning behaviour in a 6 year old, at least from what you’ve said.

This is a really good insight I’ve never heard off that one before

I have a rule with my kids. They're not to comment about the appearance of someone unless it's something that that person can change within the next few minutes eg pointing out a bit of fluff in someone's hair, or their zip is undone or they have ketchup on their chin type things. Anything else, like negatively commenting on someone's new haircut or a spot on their chin is not allowed.

Everyone has opinions and preferences re looks but as the old saying goes, if you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.

Don’t worry it will pass my daughter did this. I don’t think I am aging too badly but she would say things like urghh put your make up on.

My sons are 15 and 12. Neither have ever commented (to me or DH) about any girls being pretty or otherwise. They have never commented on my appearance other than the standard 'you look nice' if I have clearly made more of an effort than usual (rare 🤣)

I do think it's something you can address and nip in the bud. It's easy to explain that it's rude to comment on someone's appearance. And that his thoughts on someone's appearance don't need to he shared. Why would the person care what he thinks they look like? What is he hoping to achieve by telling them? If he's old enough to be taking an interest in girls, then he's old enough to understand how to behave respectfully towards them

I agree with @Pashazade💯 it’s as simple as if you’ve got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. I have two DS and they would not have got away with this sort of behaviour even at that age. Still old enough to know better imho.

I'd be instilling some very strong lessons about people are not just pieces of meat and don't go on value of looks! Slightly worrying to me and now he's commenting on your appearance?

Nip this in the bud before he's older.

Yet recently my son has made remarks about my looks, my size and my age and comparing me negatively to other women we know.

He's 6, his opinion on this counts for nothing. He probably can't even tell the difference between a 30 year old and a 50 year old. He can probably identify really fat or really thin, but you're evidently neither. Same with looks, he's 6, what does he know?

And more importantly, why does he care? In fact, does he even care or has he simply realised that commenting on women's appearance upsets them. Time to stop that shit right now.

I think your husband needs to step up, this is literally his role

He needs to tell his son exactly what happens when he goes around insulting someone's wife. Punishment and a clear telling off, which will model manhood for him

I'm sorry, I have struggled with liking my appearance too and know how hard it is to hear negative comments. 💕

So as others have said there are a few things here.

OP you six year old won’t know of your past struggles and while I’m sure it must be hard to hear he won’t correlate how you were before to how you are now.

His attitude at six to women is a learned behaviour - kids at school, Dad, older siblings etc. He won’t just say those things out of the blue.

Liking girls at 6 is very very young and not common - again I think he is getting this from somewhere.

At six kids think their mums are beautiful so I doubt he really knows what he is really saying or that it is hurtful.

Its a good lesson in learning that words can hurt and to treat people with kindness and respect.

Good luck.

This is really not normal for six years old. Much less the comments on your appearance. Where is he learning this???

I know lots of kids that have made comments like this. My friends little boy said to me you’re fat. I was 9 stone. Maybe other kids do it at school.

Bugger me, commenting on who's pretty and whether his mum's appearance is up to par at age six?? Who is he, a cloned Andrew Tate?

This is not common behaviour in a young child. It also should be nipped pretty sharply in the bud.

This. My DH would be having a dad and lad chat about such remarks.

Does your son ever comment on his dad's looks? Or is it only yours?

My just turned 8 year old girl has made comments about this. Mainly my wrinkles. She has also pointed them out to friends and really has made me feel crap. First time I explained we don't comment on people's looks, even if you don't think what you're saying is bad. But second time she did it to a friend and laughing how I had wrinkles and friend didn't due to Botox i said she was being a bit mean and making me feel bad and if it happened again after she told off properly. Explained her comments made me feel bad. It's not happened since (but was only a couple weeks ago)

Dont forget kids also exaggerate things. I remember my partner's son looking up close at my hair one day on the sofa and he announced that I had black hair at the top. It was my light brown roots coming through, definitely not black 😊