Unkind remarks about my appearance

[Pocketfluff1]

My son is nearly 7 and has recently started taking more of an interest in girls and mentioning it when he thinks they are pretty.

The other side to this is that he has become much more critical of my appearance. Before he was born, I struggled with eating disorders, self harm, suicidal ideation, all the rest of it, and have tried hard to overcome my self-hatred. I try not to talk about what I or anyone else looks like in front of my children because I want them to know that it really doesn’t matter. Yet recently my son has made remarks about my looks, my size and my age and comparing me negatively to other women we know. I am in my late 30s, 5’2” and have been 8 1/2 stone or less since I was about 12 (when not anorexic or pregnant) so I honestly don’t think I’m doing too badly. But when I question him, he just says “Sorry, I’m just telling the truth”. It’s making me feel like shit and bringing all the horrible old feelings back!

My husband says we can’t do anything to change his opinion, we can only tell him to keep it to himself, but even knowing that he thinks this way about me hurts.

I don’t really know why I am posting this, I guess I just wanted to tell someone.

Your son is making disparaging remarks about you and your partner is enabling him. Does your partner do the same or if not openly does he say similar things to your son behind your back.

You do need to nip this type of misogynistic behaviour in the bud right now. If you don't it is going to get worse and make your son believe it is OK to disrespect you in other ways too. Please break this cycle.

@Pocketfluff1 , I believe your husband is quite, quite wrong.
I have two sons both grown men now with families of their own and I addressed the issue of prioritising looks with them from an early age because my husband was always so critical and unkind about my appearance. I believed they should understand that physical appearance changes and physical beauty fades, I impressed on them that their happiness would come from finding a partner who they would love and enjoy being with even when time or circumstances altered their beauty. They have both chosen wives who are very well matched to them and are happy in their relationships.
I think both you and your husband should be impressing on your son that his comments are hurtful, unnecessary and unacceptable. I’m assuming you wouldn’t allow him to throw stones at a bird, you must not allow him to throw metaphorical stones at you and your husband needs to understand that he must support you. This isn’t just important for you OP but it’s so important for your son’s future happiness.
Sending you a big hug. X

I’ve got three sons. That’s very Young.
Moreover this by has red flags flying all over him. Nip this in the bud.

Kids really just talk rubbish! I wouldn’t be too worried but I would remind him that it’s not nice to comment about how people look and if he can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
I am 8.5 stone and have very small boobs, my son saw me in the bath the other day and said ‘wow mummy your boobs are huge!’ I think he’s comparing them to his own! So if your son says you are fat, he’s probably comparing you to a 7 year old girl!

I wouldn’t take it offensively I would just remind him not to talk about how people look as everyone is different and that’s ok!

I've got 2 teens. Ds and dd. Neither of them have ever expressed an opinion on anyone's looks. Although dd will tell me if my outfit looks good!

I do remember that it was around that age that kids in school started telling me that I was ugly. And I believed them.

tell him that it's rude, and that he is not to do it to you or anyone else. While you are giving him this lesson make sure DH is paying attention too.

Alternative if you're gobby and petty like me: spend a week giving them only critical remarks about their appearance. Then ask them if they think that's kind

Exactly. Six year old boys may be starting to want to be with boys rather than girls, it's unusual for them to be interested in them or really interested in their appearance.

I would give him a old fashioned telling off for being rude.

I would say he's heard someone else making similar comments about somebody (not necessarily you) and he's trying them out. Perhaps have a chat with him about where he's heard them?

It’s very rude and hurtful to make comments about other peoples appearance.
If my child did this, I would tell him this very firmly and how sad it made me feel, every time.

Firstly, your husband is wrong in saying that your son‘s opinions cannot be challenged. Your son needs to learn that opinions are based on facts otherwise they are worthless. He needs to learn that he won’t make friends. He won’t keep friends if he’s rude and nasty to them. It’s early misogyny. Is he picking up from your husband or is it from school?

its not early misogyny that’s a bit dramatic there are some kids at school he may hear parents speak like that and they are parrots at that age. My daughter made comments on my wrinkly eye lids at that age she didn’t think it was nasty they are wrinkly compared to hers. Like any inappropriate behaviour put them right and move on.

It's rude and nasty and he is old enough to know that. I have a niece and a nephew who are both 6 who don't say rude things about people's appearances and if they do say something that is tactless, it's mild and you can tell that they didn't mean it. Very different from just coming out with the sort of thing your son is saying. It needs to be nipped in the bud now. I'd be stopping any treats or days out when he says such things. I'd bet he magically realises what's acceptable to say and what's not then.

My almost 7 year old never comments on peoples looks. He is in a very multicultural school and never even comments on colour or dress for example, never mind if a girl is pretty or not.

He did ask me the other day why I had hair armpits but it was out of curiosity rather than nastiness.

Nip it in the bud asap and Id probably have a good hard look at your own attitude too.

I agree about looking at the reasons to get so upset by what a child says. I remember telling me dad he had a neck like a giraffe and him being quite annoyed but in my little head I didn’t think I was being mean just thought he had a long neck. People are way too sensitive.

Especially when you think of the 1660 Primary schools that have reported child on child sexual assault.

OP has bigger problems than hurt feelings. She needs to know where this is coming from…

It just sounds like your ds has hit a very sensitive spot for you. The 30 second rule mentioned by a pp is a very good one to teach. Him thinking another girl is pretty isn’t particularly unusual at 6 or 7.

A misogynist in the making, does he comment on his father’s appearance? I suspect not. This is not normal behaviour and the way your husband had reacted I can see why he has developed this attitude, you shouldn’t be upset for yourself about what he is saying about your appearance, what you should be worried about is why a 6 year old boy is judging girls and women on their appearance and is perfectly happy to vocalise this, it is not normal behaviour, he is learning it from someone close to him, probably your husband.

There is nothing stopping you and dh from suggesting his comments are unkind and talking about consideration of feelings before speaking, What example does your dh set when speaking about you and your appearance? However I wonder if you may perhaps be oversensitive given your previous mh issues. Children can be blunt.

Really, he is 6.

my son who is also 7, said to me: Mum, you have a big bum” several times!!! like I didn’t hear it the first time!!! DH and I looked at each other and laughed. I truly have a big bum! I struggle with my image and my body, low self esteem but guess what.. I took what my son said with a pinch of salt!
but, he does call me “my beautiful mummy”.
My point, don’t worry too much about it..

He's seven. They say all sorts of things...could be experimenting to see what kind of reaction he gets, could be saying what he sees but I'm sure he doesn't mean offence. We don't use the words fat/thin in our house and we don't ever mention size, yet my 8 year old daughter said to me the other day "mummy you are quite round but you look very straight in that jumper"....nothing like saying it like it is 🤣

Don't over think it! I'm sure he loves you very much!

My friends 7 year old said to my dad recently you are old how are you still alive probably because her Grandad died. Honestly, pinch of salt.

When my DD was 7 she went through a phase of this! Constant little digs at my appearance that would just ruin my day. Stuff like you’re fat, your belly is squishy (I’m a size 6/8 and also recovered anorexic), you have spots (I didn’t, I have freckles), you look bad, your hair is weird, you need to do your makeup you look ugly.

I sat down with her and told her she was really upsetting me and I felt bad about myself all the time in my own brain and I didn’t need her bullying me too. I asked her how she would feel if I called her ugly and she got upset and I think the realisation hit of how badly it can affect someone. She has now stopped most of the insults and says I’m beautiful every now and then so a big improvement.

This is a great opportunity to help your son learn respect towards women and good manners and tact generally.

He can have it explained, discussed and drummed into him if need be (with kindness and understanding, he doesn't need to be shamed or shouted at) that it might be normal to notice personal appearances but it is not the most important thing about them. Also it is not necessary or polite or of interest to others to share those observations.

The world does not need to know what he thinks of others' appearances and so 'it's just my opinion' doesn't cut the mustard. It is rude and can be hurtful for no reason.

Also that people come in all shapes and sizes.

It’s certainly unusual behaviour from a 6 year old. Is he hearing these types of conversations from the adults around him?