Unkind remarks about my appearance

[Pocketfluff1]

My son is nearly 7 and has recently started taking more of an interest in girls and mentioning it when he thinks they are pretty.

The other side to this is that he has become much more critical of my appearance. Before he was born, I struggled with eating disorders, self harm, suicidal ideation, all the rest of it, and have tried hard to overcome my self-hatred. I try not to talk about what I or anyone else looks like in front of my children because I want them to know that it really doesn’t matter. Yet recently my son has made remarks about my looks, my size and my age and comparing me negatively to other women we know. I am in my late 30s, 5’2” and have been 8 1/2 stone or less since I was about 12 (when not anorexic or pregnant) so I honestly don’t think I’m doing too badly. But when I question him, he just says “Sorry, I’m just telling the truth”. It’s making me feel like shit and bringing all the horrible old feelings back!

My husband says we can’t do anything to change his opinion, we can only tell him to keep it to himself, but even knowing that he thinks this way about me hurts.

I don’t really know why I am posting this, I guess I just wanted to tell someone.

But I mean, hopefully it'll ease off. That's just because it seems to be a pattern he's sticking to. I remember telling my dad he was 'too fat' and had an 'egg shaped head' at that age l!!

This, the phrase he just says “Sorry, I’m just telling the truth”. re your appearance is quite a 'mature' thing to say. At that height weight your BMI is v normal...
What are you saying he was doing?
Calling you.... fat?unfashionable? Where is he learning this phrase ology?

Wow, I'm shocked. Both my boys regularly tell me I'm beautiful and that I look nice and I'm a 38 year old size 20 frump!

I feel like he's learned this from your husband. Give his reaction. If either of my boys said something negative and unkind about me or my appearance my DH would have a lot to say about it!

@Pocketfluff1 ‘But when I question him, he just says “Sorry, I’m just telling the truth”.

I wouldn’t question him, OP. I’d just immediately shut the conversation down with ‘that’s rude and I don’t want to hear comments like it again.’

My child is the same age and I just cannot imagine them saying anything like that. He's definitely picking it up from somewhere and your husband essentially shrugging his shoulders and saying there's nothing to be done speaks volumes to be honest.

He is a small child. Of course he can be taught that it is rude and hurtful to comment about people's appearance. He needs pulling up on it every time.

‘Sorry, I’m just telling the truth?’ Where is he getting this from? Doesn’t sound like something a 7yo would say.

You were VU in your response to @TuddlyCoy, who was spot-on. Did she hit a nerve?

Everyone on here has told you that your ds is being rude and that your h is being pathetic and needs to man up and support you. He does. And you need to tell him off, each time he is rude.

i honestly can’t imagine a scenario where a 7yo repeatedly tells you you’re fat or ugly or whatever. Does he hear your h saying similar things? If not, where is he getting it?

Just double check what he is watching, hopefully no YouTube etc. I would guess he is emulating someone.

I would come down so hard on this attitude. OP, tell him itvisn't a 'fact' it is the opinion of a small child who needs to learn manners, appreciation and loving respect for his mother.

Next time he expects you to do anything at all, say 'No, I don't make an effort for people who put me down and are cruel and mean to me. I only make an effort for people who show me love and respect.'

Be absolutely firm on this. Don't make his dinner, don't take him to school. He may be hungry for an hour or two. He msg get into trouble for being late. But you snc he will both learn valuable lessons about respect.

Just yesterday adult DS deeply hurt my feelings. We are on a very expensive holiday, funded entirely by me. I'm sure DH would have preferred me to keep the peace and pretend it didn't matter, but I was honest and as a result, DS has been loving and civil all day today. You have to pick up on it every time they start taking you for granted or you start treating yourself like the less important person in the relationship.

You need to stamp out his awful attitude of "just telling the truth". That's the kind of thing bullies say. Where did he get that phrase from? It's really horrible. Would he like it turned on him? "DS, your reading is absolutely rubbish compared to mine, sorry, just telling the truth"

Yes

Tell him if he doesn't learn not to be an obnoxious little bastard he will have a lonely and miserable life.

Oh and no presents for his next birthday if he does it again.

@Pocketfluff1 it's natural for kids to start becoming aware of people's differences, their own, trying to fit in, wanting their own families to fit with their friends' and judging differences.
I'd want to address the "I'm just telling the truth" comment as it's rather callous. Where is he picking up the phrase/way of speaking? I'd emphasize that "truth" and "opinion" are very different and that neither are mandatory to share, particularly if not asked for.
Good for you for putting your ED behind you. 😊
Since you've been triggered, though, please seek some help. Your partner need to see all of this from your pov as well.

i’d be checking what he’s watching, I think this is unusual in a 6yr old. The unkindness is not ok. Mine is ahead at school by miles and told me she’s better than her friend at a particular subject, I pointed out that I’m better than her and that her best friend is better than her at other things. Short sharp lesson about how we talk about others. I won’t tolerate this in my house. Comments on appearance would be rebuked extremely severely and immediately.

I would also think about how you talk at home. Mine has never heard us discuss appearance because we just don’t talk about other people that way full-stop. Also echo respect for his mother which your DH should be leading on with a full “how dare you speak to your mother in this way” chat. He needs good modelling on how good men behave, thats your DH’s job.

It sounds like your DS has spent time around someone who has specifically mentioned you - and he's just parroting comments. There is no way a child that age would come to any conclusions about looks/shape/etc by themselves.
I think you need to gently question him about it. He doesn't need negative people in his life.

I’ve always driven into my kids that we don’t judge or comment on someone’s appearance. Obviously, they can tell someone they look nice on certain occasions but no unkind comments ever.
Although, that said, we were looking at some old pictures of me and their dad when we were young and they were amazed that we weren’t always middle aged mum and dad and took some convincing that it was really us. Cheeky sods!
please address this with your son as he’s unintentionally hurting your feelings and will do the same to others

I agree with PPs that it would be a good idea to squash the “I’m just being honest” line as you don’t want him growing up to be one of those people who says cruel things under cover of “honesty”. My kids’ primary school taught “THINK” - if it’s not true, honest, inspiring, necessary, and kind, it doesn’t need to be said.

I do think 6 is a prime age for saying incredibly hurtful things about parents’ appearance, though, so I don’t think it’s as unusual as some do.

This is learnt behaviour. He’s learnt it from somewhere.

You need to nip him calling you fat in the bud. If he calls girls at school fat or comments negatively about their looks like he does you it won't go down well with the parents. Have you spoken to him about kindness and empathy and not hurting people's feelings?

What access does this six year old have to social media and the internet? Who is he watching in YouTube? Six year olds are usually in love with their mothers. I've never known one to be like this. As someone else has said, this screams red flags - for future misogyny in my mind. I hate how some males feel they can comment on how girls and women look. Stamp this out before he becomes more dangerous and stamp out talking about people around the dinner table. Only very dull people talk about people. Eleanor Roosevelt has a good quotation about that.

By dangerous I mean older. Think Netflix Adolescence and views from that Tate man. Refuse to use his name. Misogyny starts somewhere.

DD attends a faith school, it’s very good ranked one of the best. A few incidences-

Some of DD’s friends developed interest in boys from age 6/7. I was quite shocked too and the parents were also not very happy- kissing in the playground!!!!! DD luckily thought it was disgusting and played with another group- far too young to be thinking about boys/kissing.

One of the boys caught his parents having sex and told the class about it.

DD’s friends frequently comment on how pretty she is. They criticise other kids looks/behaviours. They love watching YouTube, have older siblings etc.

All you can do is shut it down, would your son liked to be compared/criticised/ have his insecurities pointed out, picked on, bullied etc. Try asking him where he’s picked the habit up/why he thinks it’s okay to comment on looks etc. Tell him it’s rude. Both parents need to be firm, could even ask the teacher to have a word with the class. Do either you/your DH do it? What’s he watching, is it friends.

This is what I’m wondering. Very strange behaviour for such a young child. He’s obviously copying it from somewhere. Is he hearing it from a family member? Is he watching things on TV/online that are age inappropriate?

My Dd is 7 in year 2 and has never spoken about someone being pretty before. I do think that is unusual behaviour for this age.

She sometimes comments if two people look alike, and has on occasion compared people to animals in their gaits or mannerisms (that man walks like a penguin) but I always tell her off if she says something like that as being wrong to comment on a person’s appearance, even if she doesn’t mean it harmfully.

I would be worried he’s maybe playing with someone who has older siblings and is watching inappropriate things?

Also wondering if because of your previous ED does he see you weighing yourself a lot? Kids are crazily astute sometimes he might just notice something like that! My mum has always been very harshly critical of people’s weight but has herself got an ED and weighed herself and us constantly. I don’t think she even realises how much value she puts on a person for their weight, but it was not easy growing up under that criticism so I have been very conscious not to mention weight in front of my daughters, and instead focus on being healthy and strong.

I’m not criticising you by the way and really pleased for you that you’ve overcome your issues around eating, but the fact you mentioned your weight to me speaks volumes about how you feel about your body and maybe your son is picking up on that vulnerability.

This is the opposite of what both my children were like at that age. They just saw people as people without any judgement.

I have worked in a lot of schools and although children that age sometimes “say it as it is”, it’s not usually conveyed in the way your son is doing. For example, I have some moles on my face, so a child in the class asked me if I had chicken pox. They usually ask inquisitive questions like that, that adults wouldn’t necessarily ask, and they notice the obvious things (like hair colour, height etc), rather than objective things (pretty/ugly). I’ve never heard a child show interest in the opposite sex at that age and certainly none that have called others ugly etc. Appearance in that way is not usually on a child’s radar at that age. I would be concerned what is influencing your child.

I read this as Yr 6 initially. This is a bit odd. You are either reading too much into things given your insecurities or something is going on. What sort of comments is he making?