My mum's made me feel uncomfortable.

[Sunshadows]

My dh belongs to a cycling club, they meet weekly for a ride and drinks afterwards. They're a large group, so there's often multiple rides.

The other day I was out for coffee with Mum, she asked about our weekend plans and I said Dh would be out with the group on Saturday, (I was going to a friend's birthday meal).

She said 'Oh I know what goes on in Cycling Club, I've got a spy! A bit taken aback I asked what she meant. She then refused to enlarge, just said 'Oh I've known someone a while now who's also in that group, can't say who as must protect her 'privacy'! She then went on to mention a televised event in the summer, that many cyclists are involved in. Dh IS involved in that, it's all being planned, but because my mum's never shown much interest in his sport I haven't thought to mention it! This person's told Mum dh is involved though, and that myself & the kids are looking at accommodation that weekend so we can all watch.

No problem with Mum knowing, but why is someone discussing details about us to her?! Mum was almost rubbing her hands with glee, telling me this but is keeping a secret who this person is?!

I know most of the group, am not a member myself but join them for BBQ's Xmas meals with partners, etc.

Dh doesn't do 'gossip' and gets highly irritated anyway (as do I), with my mum's tendency of 'who said what to who', she does it a lot, also in family situations. If i repeated this to him he'd be fuming at the fact someone (who he & I must know) is on the sidelines repeating stuff to anyone, let alone my mum!! He'd probably say something to her and she'd accuse me of 'stirring', and insisting to dh I made too much of ir and she just happens to know someone. She's done similar before.

SHE's the stirrer, but if I quiz her on it this weekend and say we want to know who she's talking about she'll have won, won't she! She WON'T enlarge, but will take pleasure in making me feel uncomfortable. There are times at socials when we all chat (partners too); about family/friends etc. I'll be looking round the table now, wondering who Mum's 'spy' is!! Not a nice thing for her to say.

She definitely is the stirrer. Maybe tell her and don’t care about her response. It would do her good to realise how she is seen.

Well I would be never telling her anything.. If she claims to 'know' stuff just tell her it's a shame her own dd doesn't want to chat to her instead of spying on her.. Back away imo. She sounds awful.. Not very grown up is she?

Agreed, I would make a point to laugh at her.

“Did you think that was a secret, mother? How sad that you feel you need a spy to find out details in your daughter’s life. Hahaha. A spy. That’s going to keep me laughing all week.” Then start many future conversations with her with; “Found out any more secrets, Poirot!?”

”DH got new bike shorts, or did you already know? Such juicy bike club gossip! You must feel titillated to get the scoop first”

Make her the joke. She won’t be rubbing her hands with glee when you’re the one doing all the laughing.

>>There are times at socials when we all chat (partners too); about family/friends etc. I'll be looking round the table now, wondering who Mum's 'spy' is!! Not a nice thing for her to say.>>

I would absolutely turn this on her and take away her power. Next time youre at a social, say to the group, apparently my nosy mum has a spy in this group and has proudly proclaimed it to me! So which one of you is it??? Make a joke of it if you like. The person probably has no idea they are being touted as a 'spy' and probably just thought they were exchanging some harmless friendly small talk, so put them on notice that they are being used as a 'source' for gossip and information. If the person is a half way decent human being that should put a rapid stop to it. And ten to one you'll figure out who it is - if not from a candid admission then from the reaction when you say it.

Exactly. It doesn’t seem like the “spy” has told OP’s mum anything even slightly gossipy let alone nefarious. This person likely thinks they are having a pleasant exchange with a friend talking about exciting things happening in their hobby. This person would likely be mortified at your mothers glee at lording it over you.

PS I have to say your mum sounds absolutely tedious. This is the kind of stuff middle school kids do!

I think it’s probably more someone saying “ooo I saw your son in law at the weekend, isn’t he lovely. We’re all doing XXXX” and your mum has spun it into this nonsense to amuse herself at your discomfort. It’s horrid and would make me feel upset and snooped on, but I’d ignore it. I have a sibling who does similar things. She always wants to be in the know. Just let it slide.

Is your mum single? Is she trying to hint that she's got a gentleman friend who belongs to the bike club?

I was going to say this too - someone probably just mentioned it to her in passing and she’s twisted it into something it’s not.

Thank you all, and yes, it's definitely 'schoolgirl' behaviour on her part! Someone telling half a story and refusing to finish annoys me anyway, I expect it would most people.

It's hardly juicy gossip she told her anyway, it's something not particularly interesting to an outsider as lots of us are going!

It's the way Mum said it, that's made me wonder if he says things about me there, with Mum's 'I must protect my friend's privacy' comment. A strange thing to say, if she was just talking about a planned trip! Mum also asked if I'm aware of a name the cyclists call my dh. (He looks a bit like a certain celebrity), been a running joke in his work for years! Some cyclists also call him by this name, jokingly. I've heard them do that many times, and we both laugh! Mum seemed a bit disappointed I already knew. 🤷‍♀️

Pathetic of her really, she definitely wants to provoke a reaction but has told me not to tell dh. Maybe I should, he can embarrass her!

Lobelia, that's true. It could just be chit-chat from this friend of Mum's due to Mum's connection with dh. I think I'd pictured her deliberately looking for stuff to gossip to Mum about but yes, prob just conversation she doesn't realise my mum feels 'empowered' by. She may laugh if she knew, I suppose!!

I would call your horrible mother out in person and at the club.
I also wouldn’t be seeing much of her. Who needs family like that.

100%

Sometimes I am so baffled at the way mothers treat their children. Imagine feeling good at being able to 'have one over' on your own daughter.

I'm sorry OP. She's really mean.

I’d get some enjoyment out of it,

Tell the group you’re looking into emigrating to Australia in the next couple of years!

The emigrating to Australia idea is brilliant. Tell dh shes pissing you off and get your revenge.

Can't think how you stand your mum - she sounds utterly awful!

I think you need to put your mum on an information diet. Secondly, anything she says about your DH or you, treat with "that's not news" approach (even if you didn't know) and look bored. Don't raise it with others unless it's to acknowledge that she's a terrible gossip and you take nothing she says seriously.

Agree she is very mean. I would also be cautious she is looking for ways to make you doubt your husband. She knows stuff you don’t, she has an “in” you don’t have, and she knows what he gets upto there. She can’t tell you, oh she can’t betray the privacy of her friend. Fuck your privacy though, right?

It’s not on. It’s very cruel power games.

Your mum is being horrible. Sort of mean girls vibe.

There are people like your mum...I currently work with one. Gossip, drama, inserting themselves into situations that are nothing to do with them. Shit-stirring and trouble-making.
They do it, I think, because they are bored and have a touch of 'main character syndrome'.
My advice to you would be to ignore your mum's stirring. Shrug it off. Be indifferent.
Any reaction from you over this bike club will fuel her further. Dead end it now.

Her bike club freind is orobably just chatting about a mutual contact (your DH). None of it sounds like particularly personal or private information.
Your dm sounds like she's attempting to stir drama.
Either ask her why she's doing it (which will likely not ve effective), or tease her, or say "yes, I know, we do talk to each other now as we're married" with a taken aback tone.

You're being as childish as your mum OP. It's not a big secret, it's small talk

How many people are in the group? If its a fairly small amount I'd work out telling each person something totally different,
Like Barbara- oh I'm learning to water ski
Susan - oh we're going away to Scotland in a few weeks

Then just see what gets back to your mum and you know the spy.

Or just say to everyone "xxxs mum says she has a "spy" in the group and mum isn't being kind about it, please could you not talk to xxxs mum about us as its making us uncomfortable".

I’d be making up stories about your mum or stories you’d expect your mum to be interested in and telling different ones to different people to work out who it is! … bases on what your mum says to you!

Do you not just think she’s trying to rise you for a laugh? She’ll probably say ‘I heard dh wears green shorts’ or other non news!

It surely can’t be that hard to work out who it is, by a process of elimination?

Have a look at the membership list with your DH and see if an obvious neighbour, colleague etc of your Mum’s pops out. Where does she meet people? Church, hobbies?

Definitely let your DH know, otherwise he might inadvertently make some innocuous comment that she’ll spin up into something destructive.