My mum's made me feel uncomfortable.

[Sunshadows]

My dh belongs to a cycling club, they meet weekly for a ride and drinks afterwards. They're a large group, so there's often multiple rides.

The other day I was out for coffee with Mum, she asked about our weekend plans and I said Dh would be out with the group on Saturday, (I was going to a friend's birthday meal).

She said 'Oh I know what goes on in Cycling Club, I've got a spy! A bit taken aback I asked what she meant. She then refused to enlarge, just said 'Oh I've known someone a while now who's also in that group, can't say who as must protect her 'privacy'! She then went on to mention a televised event in the summer, that many cyclists are involved in. Dh IS involved in that, it's all being planned, but because my mum's never shown much interest in his sport I haven't thought to mention it! This person's told Mum dh is involved though, and that myself & the kids are looking at accommodation that weekend so we can all watch.

No problem with Mum knowing, but why is someone discussing details about us to her?! Mum was almost rubbing her hands with glee, telling me this but is keeping a secret who this person is?!

I know most of the group, am not a member myself but join them for BBQ's Xmas meals with partners, etc.

Dh doesn't do 'gossip' and gets highly irritated anyway (as do I), with my mum's tendency of 'who said what to who', she does it a lot, also in family situations. If i repeated this to him he'd be fuming at the fact someone (who he & I must know) is on the sidelines repeating stuff to anyone, let alone my mum!! He'd probably say something to her and she'd accuse me of 'stirring', and insisting to dh I made too much of ir and she just happens to know someone. She's done similar before.

SHE's the stirrer, but if I quiz her on it this weekend and say we want to know who she's talking about she'll have won, won't she! She WON'T enlarge, but will take pleasure in making me feel uncomfortable. There are times at socials when we all chat (partners too); about family/friends etc. I'll be looking round the table now, wondering who Mum's 'spy' is!! Not a nice thing for her to say.

There are loads, but you only need one to have an affair.

It's ... Rebeka Vardy.

Life is too short for this kind of nonsense.

Just because someone is our mother doesn't mean they will be supportive, kind, eager to see us have a good life.

I tell my mother very little about my life. I see her often, but she hardly knows anything about me. The fact I have had surgery, where my DD works, what I do in my spare time, the fact my OH is in the middle of a legal battle trying to right some wrongs done to him. She is so totally self absorbed, talks about how her friend is so obese that she is ugly, another friend of hers who has such a bad haircut that "everyone" - including my mother no doubt- laughs at her behind their back.

I grey rock with my mother.

I dont think there is anything wrong with the friend at cycling mentioning to MIL as that is just chit chat. "I am doing this event, its on tv! I think your Son in law is going. He said the family coming to watch"

However your mum is being really odd. It isn't a big secret or gossip. I would just give it as little attention as possible. All the friend can pass on is surface level cycling chit chat. Dont let her imply she knows anything interesting and tune her out as best you can. A flat "ok" next time she tells you something like that.

Off to find the cold swimming group activity thread….

She's stirring and playing nasty games.

I would say to her very seriously "Mum if you have something to tell me, tell me, if not I don't want to hear your half told gossip and I don't appreciate my business being turned into sport to entertain you"

And then grey rock any further attempts to hint etc.

I think you need to do a bit of Colleen Rooney stuff each week mention something to 1 person and see if it gets back then a different person the week after something different find the mole only way then just drop into conversation with the person I didn't know you know my mum small world 🤔

Definitely don't blame this mystery mole. There's a chance your mum is so nosy she deliberately befriended someone she knew was in the club for this very reason. It's not fair on her supposed 'friend' to be used as a pawn in her meddling in your DH's business.
The only info your mum has so helpfully passed on is stuff you already know.

So on that basis I'd simply say 'I'm well aware of the minutae and inner workings of this supposedly clandestine cycling club. DH doesn't stop bleating on about it. Now you're doing the same. Frankly if I was that enthralled by it I'd join the club myself. Can we talk about something interesting now?'

Your Mum needs to get a life! I would imagine she interrogates her spy for information. People like your Mum are usually not living their own lives to the full for whatever reason so become totally obsessed with finding out about other people's and often passing judgement on them.

I would encourage your dh to talk about his mil's horrendous piles or ibs at the next cycle meet....see if that gets back to her...then at least you'll know if her spy is just as much of a gossip!

This 100%

Wow, thanks for all your responses. I'll reply in more detail when I get chance, but just want to say this for now -

I've got absolutely no problem with someone telling my mum about a trip we're going on/commenting that dh did well in a recent triathlon etc, they're the sort of things I may say to someone.

If I DID pass these things on though, I wouldn't be at all worried about people finding out I'd said them. Which makes me think Mum's comment about this woman's 'privacy' alludes to something I may not be happy hearing! And her obvious excitement about that leaves a nasty taste.

I also belong to a social group (all women though), but work with men & women and I'd hate to think someone was watching me in either of these contexts, to repeat or even 'twist' something I innocently said! Not nice at all, especially when it's your own mum hoping you'll 'bite' and react.

I won't engage with it though, she's asked me today if he's going to cycling group tonight but I just said I didn't know. Although he is! 😀

I wouldn't bother about the "privacy" thing and your Mum insinuating she knows more. She's just doing that to add some drama to some fairly dull news and make it more interesting than it actually is. I know this type. Grey rock all the way.

"If i repeated this to him he'd be fuming at the fact someone (who he & I must know) is on the sidelines repeating stuff to anyone, let alone my mum!! He'd probably say something to her and she'd accuse me of 'stirring', and insisting to dh I made too much of ir and she just happens to know someone. She's done similar before."

I would tell him - let him say something if he wants to and if she says she just happens to know someone - say well if that is the case why describe them as a 'spy' want to 'protect' their identity and say you know what goes on at bike club mother dearest.
It is more than likely that the other person is unaware that something mentioned in passing is being treated as gossip and they are being described as a spy.

Was about to say exactly this. There is no other news, the person does not need privacy she is trying to cause drama. Appearing not bothered is perfect.

ETA if there was anything bad to know your mum is the person you should be able to count on to tell you. Not someone implying she knows something to make you worry.

I know a few people like this and always feel quite sorry for them as it seems so pathetic to be so nosey and gossipy about other people's lives, and just reeks of not having an interesting or fulfilling life themselves!

Cheeky lil wagatha deductive strategy there 😂

tbh OP your mum sounds like she’s either very bored indeed or has some issues about control. Some people with that are funny about withholding and gathering information. Maybe it’s both. I think it sounds more juvenile than anything but I don’t know what she’s like as a person overall and I do know our parents have the power to give us the needle like no one else. As soon as you start shrugging your shoulders it ceases to be fun for the agitator. I’d be tempted to say ‘aw that’s nice, you made a friend’ 😂

But I can see why it’s annoying!

Which makes me think Mum's comment about this woman's 'privacy' alludes to something I may not be happy hearing!

You could probably find out easy enough if you wanted.

Your mum sounds bloody awful if she would hint at something about your husband merely to upset you/have one over you.

This

Things your DH could say at his cycling group:

1. ‘yes I know I look like a famous person, but my mother-in-law actually went out with one. Alan Titchmarsh. They were younger then and he broke her heart by all accounts!’
2. ‘Got done for speeding again. At least I was sober. My mother in law was driving erratically last week and got pulled over again. She’d been at the weed again. Hides it well in company, not on the road!’
3. ‘I am planning a surprise trip to New York for my wife as I had a little flutter on the Euro Millions. No, I’m not telling family, as I’d rather they didn’t know we have had a windfall!’ And no my name is Peggy. Not Coleen Rooney!

Or at least...her account LOL

I think you might be into amateur dramatics.

Snort. And do you feel there should be men-only and women-only floors in workplaces, too, to stop all the frenetic shagging in the photocopy room you clearly feel is on the cards?

@Hwi and her DH are clearly one of those couples who match around in lockstep, arm in arm, wearing matching fleeces.

She’s doing it because it gives her power, nothing more than that. So what if she knows someone in the group? And what is it you are worried about this person sharing with her? Nothing has actually happened. She’s being all dramatic making out that she’s protecting someone’s privacy! It’s a cycling group not MI5! Don’t feed into it. You should have said ‘and?’ when she told you this and looked utterly nonplussed.

I would not play games, ignore. You cannot vet every person who knows a family member or friend. If you make up stories people in the group will come to think of you as a liar. If you tell your parent that you do not know if your husband is going to the group or not ( when you know he is) you score a home goal. If your mother is being mean she will turn this around to be “ I know more about your husband than you do”.