My mum's made me feel uncomfortable.

[Sunshadows]

My dh belongs to a cycling club, they meet weekly for a ride and drinks afterwards. They're a large group, so there's often multiple rides.

The other day I was out for coffee with Mum, she asked about our weekend plans and I said Dh would be out with the group on Saturday, (I was going to a friend's birthday meal).

She said 'Oh I know what goes on in Cycling Club, I've got a spy! A bit taken aback I asked what she meant. She then refused to enlarge, just said 'Oh I've known someone a while now who's also in that group, can't say who as must protect her 'privacy'! She then went on to mention a televised event in the summer, that many cyclists are involved in. Dh IS involved in that, it's all being planned, but because my mum's never shown much interest in his sport I haven't thought to mention it! This person's told Mum dh is involved though, and that myself & the kids are looking at accommodation that weekend so we can all watch.

No problem with Mum knowing, but why is someone discussing details about us to her?! Mum was almost rubbing her hands with glee, telling me this but is keeping a secret who this person is?!

I know most of the group, am not a member myself but join them for BBQ's Xmas meals with partners, etc.

Dh doesn't do 'gossip' and gets highly irritated anyway (as do I), with my mum's tendency of 'who said what to who', she does it a lot, also in family situations. If i repeated this to him he'd be fuming at the fact someone (who he & I must know) is on the sidelines repeating stuff to anyone, let alone my mum!! He'd probably say something to her and she'd accuse me of 'stirring', and insisting to dh I made too much of ir and she just happens to know someone. She's done similar before.

SHE's the stirrer, but if I quiz her on it this weekend and say we want to know who she's talking about she'll have won, won't she! She WON'T enlarge, but will take pleasure in making me feel uncomfortable. There are times at socials when we all chat (partners too); about family/friends etc. I'll be looking round the table now, wondering who Mum's 'spy' is!! Not a nice thing for her to say.

Make a spreadsheet.

Tell a different lie to each member of the club and see which one gets back to your mum 🤣

I would be upset too, I would find it suffocating as fuck if my Mother announced she had a spy and everything my dh said at his leisure activity was repeated back to her.

I’d tell her to either tell me who it is or shut the fuck up about it. She’s enjoying the fact that she knows something about your husband’s hobby group that you don’t. She’s trying to make trouble and I can see why your DH doesn’t like her behaviour.

Could she be joking? It's an odd thing to say seriously.

After people are married, it is inappropriate for a spouse to participate alone in a mixed-sex activity as a hobby. Does not matter whether is it cycling or whatever. Single-sex separate hobbies are OK. Please refer to the 'cold swimming group activity' on a recent thread to see how these pan out. Read The Woman in the Dunes by Kobo Abe, it spells out the most basic truths.

What a load of rubbish! I took part in amateur dramatics while married. What broke up my marriage was my husband having an affair with someone he met online.

Proves my point - you were into amateur dramatics and he was into online activities. Both are not single-sex. Both were separate participation.

Bollocks.

🙄 this is as bad as Mike pence saying he wouldn’t be in room alone with a women in any situation including work.

yep, sex discrimination in that case
and a whole load of issues with trust and paranoid jealousy reflected in it .
if you can’t trust yourself HWI being in mixed sex group, then you should avoid it, but don’t tar the rest of us with your one track mind

This is arrant nonsense.

Should married couples also only be allowed to take employment in single sex companies?

Ah yes. Makes perfect sense.

Meanwhile, married bisexual people enjoying their social hobbies:

I can't believe you can't see the obvious? Where is love in this scenario if a man prefers to spend week-ends away maiming their testicles rather than be with his wife? We all have jobs, we are busy with the children, house chores, we all have such limited time together with our spouses - got married and in a blink of an eye - it is time to retire and part for ever - and one idiot is cycling and the other idiot is into 'amateur dramatics' - where is this time together - we get married to spend time together, do we not?

Hwi, you know nothing about my life and just argued for the sake of it. Nobody in the amateur dramatic groups I was in over a number of years left their spouse for another member of the group. I stopped amateur dramatics long before my exh decided to use online chat rooms late at night when the rest of us were sleeping. And I won't reply to you as you are either a) stupid, b) a troll or c) arguing for the sake of it

No problem with Mum knowing, but why is someone discussing details about us to her?

So there's an event coming up that you & others from the club are attending?

So its no secret within the club who is going?

So maybe the "spy" just said that they are going & saw you are too.

Hardy discussing details about you is it?

Well yes of course. How many men do we see who have work wives and start affairs through their place of work?

It’s not those men that are the problem, it’s the general existence of other women near them. How stupid have we been to continue allowing this!

Are you aware there are both men and women on MN?

This is also a mixed activity 😲

Best delete your account ASAP.

All of our time? So we can’t spend time together and have hobbies any more?

I thought we got married to share a loving life together with a partner. Not to stay chained to them and then alone, and sacrifice all our well forged friendships.

@Sunshadows well I’d be buying your dm a huge wooden spoon for Mother’s Day. And I’d tell her why too.

You have my sympathies, OP - my DM is terrible for gossiping between family members, etc. She has shared things that I’d told her were private / between us on so many occasions now that I don’t tell her anything I don’t want shared!
I honestly think it’s because she doesn’t have enough going on in her own life! But the glee she has in telling people things she shouldn’t is really awful, and not being able to confide in my mum makes me feel really sad :(

As a married bisexual myself I shall be locking my doors. Wouldn’t want to accidentally see the postman or a neighbour and throw all my happy years away.

Next week your DH needs to wear a Groucho Marx disguise and announce as his MIL has made it clear she has a spy in the club he can only now attend incognito 😅

I agree with pp - it is harmless chit chat and your Mum is way too overexcited about it. But if you make it clear in the cycling club that she's mad as a box of frogs, whoever it is will presumably stop telling her anything.

tbh That kind of childish rubbish wouldn't bother me, I would just raise my eyebrows at my mum for being so needy/gossipy.

You could have so much fun with this. Do a Coleen Rooney and start dropping in outlandish fake news to be fed back to your mum.

My lovely DH and I have been together for more than 30 years. We both work long hours, and have family responsibilities.

It serves our marriage best if we are fulfilled as individuals, not just as Husband, Wife, Mum, Dad, Son or Daughter.

Whether it’s time in the fresh air, taking exercise, meeting with friends or building a skill, hobbies play a key role in a happy, stress free life.

Happy fulfilled people build happy marriages.

Best get some blinkers on and keep your eyes to the floor lest another human enters your range of vision and your marriage fails.

What utter b×××××ks!

Men on MN? What, the two of them?