If you are (very) comfortably off, how much financial support to you give to your DC's at university and as young adults?

[cheeseismydownfall]

I grew up in a relatively low income household. We weren't on the bones of our arse, and my parents were loving and generous with what they had, but I grew up knowing that we had very little spare money and that if I wanted something in life, I'd need to earn it myself. I had a decent part time job from the age of 14, and never had an allowance or pocket money. I received very little help from my parents at university (although this was far less of an issue than it would be now, because I had a full student loan and of course no tuition fees to pay).

Decades later, through a combination of relatively lucrative jobs and inheritance, we are extremely lucky to be financially very comfortable. Obviously I am extremely grateful for this and for the relative security it brings. It certainly isn't something I take for granted. But something I am finding tricky to navigate is how much financial support to give to our DC as they become independent. It feels wrong to watch them struggle on a shoestring student budget, missing out on things they'd enjoy because they can't afford it, knowing we could easily make them happen if we wanted to. But equally, bankrolling them for holidays and other relative luxuries doesn't seem right either.

Basically I have no idea what normal should look like in this situation because my parents simply weren't able to help, although I'm sure they would have done it they could. It would actually be really helpful to have an idea of what other parents in a similar situation have decided to pay for vs not pay for.

BTW I should say that the DC are not materialistic or grabby at all, very appreciative of gifts, family holidays etc, and all have very modest tastes. But they have absolutely no idea of what it's like being really skint in the way I was growing up.

I'm glad you also think this. Get so sick and tired of acquaintances (not friends) telling us that our DDs 'don't live in the real world' because of the financial support they've been given.

Actually this is their real world and it's the very same real world most of their friends live in, too. Their lives are just as real to them as the lives of people living in hardship.

Thanks @Arraminta

DD has been with her bf since 6th form and there's no way his parents could afford anything towards a deposit so I'm not sure what we'll do when the time comes.

You get a deed of trust drawn up when they buy. It ringfences her deposit so he will have no claim on it.

We did it when DS bought with his girlfriend who put no deposit down. Unfortunately they split up a couple of years later and the bank wouldn’t lend him enough to cover the whole mortgage so we ended up having to pay another whopping chunk to bridge the gap. He’s still got the house and she walked away with none of it (to be fair there was no equity for her to have had a claim on).

We paid DC’s hall fees or accommodation costs - about £6,000 pa then. We kept them during the holidays for free. We paid DS’s tuition fees for his MA, and kept him for free, as he did a research MA from home. He did have a part time job for his spending money.

We gave both of them £30,000 for a deposit on a house. We paid 1/3 of the cost of DS’s wedding and agreed to pay £12,000 for DD’s reception. We also bought a travel system and car seat for DGD.

We’ve agreed to spend some of the wedding fund on IVF for DD, if she needs it. She can’t work, so I buy her necessary basic clothes and give her cash sometimes. She is a compulsive shopper, and has more clothes than me and DDIL put together - if I gave her regular cash, she’d spend it on clothes she doesn’t need ( she has 30 bomber jackets for instance). I take her out regularly in the daytime for lunch.

This thread is ridiculously show-offy 😂

Well you don't have to read it if it upsets you
OP asked a question and people are answering it, maybe everyone should lie to make you feel a bit better?

Don't be so touchy Hopping

I'm not upset, just amused by it.

What I talked about is typical for our friends and neighbours. Among our friends, we are the poorest people we know - because we didn’t have the time or headspace, due to caring for disabled DC. Meanwhile our friends went ahead, investing in buy to lets and the stock market!

OP asked a question and I answered it.

We have been paying DD’s rent and travel costs, but she got tuition and maintenance loans. She is very frugal, and hasn’t worked while at Uni, but does make money buying clothes at car boots and reselling on Vinted.

Due to inheritance, we could now probably afford to pay off her loans on graduation.. Is that wise?

It's ok for people to share their experiences for others to get an idea of what happens in other households.
Why comment?

Unless you have an awful lot of spare money no it doesn’t make sense. Most don’t pay it all back and some people stop working due to ill health, being stay at home parents etc. It is generally thought to be better to put that money into a house deposit so they aren’t throwing money away on rent.

Paying off their tuition fees really isn't the best way to spend your money. Giving them the money for a house deposit makes your money work much harder for them.

Not sure why you think that @LornaDuh or why you’re amused by it. Most parents want to help their kids, however that might look for them.

Would you think I was show offy if I told you that I had a full time job and worked as a consultant on one of my two days off a week to keep our little family’s wheels turning and to be able to support my two kids?

@MananaMananaPenelope oh come on, you would be ridiculously naive to not realise being able to help children to this extent is beyond the wildest dream of many, some of whom work very long hours. In defence of the OP the thread title makes clear the target audience.

I don’t compare my position to randoms on the internet @HotCrossBunies. The level of help I give my DC is not unusual in my family.

My parents are very comfortable financially - own their home outright, have 4 or 5 holidays a year, put a generous amount of money into piggy banks for mine and Dsis’s DC’s that gets emptied and gifted to them every 6 months or so…….
They weren’t always so comfortable though. Growing up, my dad worked a manual labour job with brutal shift hours. He worked every hour of overtime he could to make ends meet. We lived in a shitty 2-up-2-down terraced council house. I remember the electricity shutting off quite regularly because there wasn’t spare cash for the meter until dad got paid. On top of his manual labour job, my dad busted his arse to put himself through university in his early-30’s, and once he had his degree, he got the much higher paying job that he still has to this day. My parents were able to buy the home they still live in, and have continued to work hard to pay off their mortgage.
As a result, my parents always taught us the value of hard work and the value of money. I had a job from the age of 14. I paid my parents “board” from the age of 16.
What I didn’t know was that my parents were actually stashing that money away for a time when I would really need it. They gave it back to me when I was 18 so I could buy my first car and pay the first year’s insurance up front 🙌🏻
I am incredibly grateful to them for that. I learned the value of money and that none of the practicalities of life would come for free once I was working - rent, bills etc

Would you think I was show offy if I told you that I had a full time job and worked as a consultant on one of my two days off a week to keep our little family’s wheels turning and to be able to support my two kids?

It's of no interest to me what you do so just relax.

That’s fabulous @LornaDuh , thanks I’m reassured.

I believe the thinking has changed on whether it's wise to pay tuition so they don't need loans. They used to be written off after 30 years but the newer ones (DD's cohort) it's 40 years. I think the interest is 9% (or something) and it's charged from the moment the the loan lands in the bank account. Once you start earning circa £40k that's quite a dent in your salary.

Her friends whose parents have plenty of money are paying the fees and maintenance.

We set up trust funds for ours and they got that at 18 so they paid their own way from that.

This. While DD just applied for the tuition loan for the 1st year, we make a decision year by year.

I do think paying her the accomodation and a modest maintenance from us plus continue putting money aside for later is a good mix. She then has a lower amount of debt but enough savings to start life when she knows where she will settle.

We also will pay for 1/2 year abroad which will be more than her UK uni costs with travel, housing, insurance etc.