Being born after the death of a sibling - do you have a connection with them?

[goodovationsonly]

This is obviously a hugely emotive topic for those in this position, so please step away if it's going to upset you. I'd genuinely be interested to hear others' perspectives on this, and if I should ever speak to my friend about it.
I had a colleague and we are still in touch via social media. Her first child was diagnosed antenatally as having an incompatible with life syndrome, and they decided to continue with the pregnancy. Their ds was born and after a fairly short time they brought him home on palliative care. She knew he was going to die fairly soon so TTC and got pregnant when he was 2 months old. Her ds was adorable and she shared lots of detail to document it. Life was difficult, his health was extremely fragile and he needed to be resuscitated quite a lot, friend's life was very restricted as she couldn't expose him to any infection etc. Sadly he died a week before baby 2 was born, but lived much longer than anyone imagined.
From the second baby was born every single post was in relation and/or a comparison to child 1. The parents were obviously in the throes of grief, but at times I wondered if this child would look back on these posts and feel bad that there was nothing solely about them. All hashtags were #jonnyslittlebro (not real name).
Child is now 3 and they still very heavily document life, so I see very regular updates. Child 1 is included in everything, so let's say it's a milestone for child 2, such as a birthday or potty training, a present will also be bought for child 1. Any time they go out for a walk, they will see signs of child 1, whether it be a rainbow/plant/feather. Child 2 kisses a picture of child 1 goodnight before bed every night and talks about "my brother". Every christmas there is a stocking for child 1, and child 2 is now responsible for choosing presents for it. I'm keeping it very brief here, but child 1 is still very much incorporated into their lives, and the parents very much love that child 2 talks about his brother voluntarily and includes him (which has obviously been heavily encouraged by them) in daily life. It's all fine as child is still very young, but it made me worry that child will feel under pressure to do this as he gets older. Three years on the parents are still very much grieving for child 1 (totally expected) but it seems quite unhealthy to me how much child 2 is living in child 1's shadow, and is expected to stay there.

I remembered a thread years ago where a poster said she took her young dc to visit her mum's grave very regularly, and that they had a close relationship. (DGM died before dc was born). A poster replied "sorry to say this but they don't have a relationship, she's dead and they never met" and the poster was really upset by this. To her, there was a bond/relationship between them that she had facilitated and it was important to her that she encouraged this. So it was for her benefit really.

I'm at the stage now where I'm wondering if I should very gently try to speak to friend about this? I don't want to hurt her of course, she's still having grief counselling but I worry she still cannot see her ds2 as a person in his own right and this will affect him.

If you were the child born after a sibling death, how has it impacted you?

My DB died age 4 when I was a baby - so not before I was born but too early for me to have memories of him. My DS was age 8 at the time so knew & remembers him well. My childhood was a very confusing mixture of knowing about him and some members of the family talking about him but my Dad refusing to have pictures out and saying eg. "ask your sister why you need to behave today of all days" on his anniversary. It was a certainly a very negative thing in my childhood and I often felt excluded as the only one in the family without memories of him.

I would also say speaking now as an adult, I am very close to my DM and having spoken to her lots more about him and the bereavement over the years...losing a child is a completely fucking horrendous thing and grieving parents only do the best they can.

I think that it's virtually impossible for a surviving child to not be impacted negatively in some ways by the death of their sibling - it is after all a huge tragedy for the family. I do think from my experience that feeling excluded and from others' cited experiences above being unfavourable compared or be made to feel you owe something to the sibling / should be grateful / make life choices accordingly can be very negative. It sounds like currently the surviving child feels quite positive about the routines and having his brother as an active part of his life. As he gets older he may feel differently and hopefully she will listen to and respect that.

I'm not sure that you intervening is the right thing to do and I'm not sure it is likely to be a positive outcome for her, you or your friendship.

I agree with the OP not being the person to deal with it, and said so right at the beginning.

I just disagree with the posters who think nobody should broach the subject, because anything the mother does is okay, because grief.

Losing a child has got to be the worst feeling in the world, but damaging another life isn't acceptable. The mother will face further sadness and guilt if this child grows up to be angry at what they grew up with, as some posters who experienced the same, have done. It's in her own interests to let the child be his own person. Someone who knows that there was a sibling, but who isn't forever tied to them.

I don't think anyone has said that nobody should broach it, just that op shouldn't.

There will be dozens of people closer to the situation, know more about it, and can advise better.

Op just wants, well I don't know really, a gossip, criticism in order to justify her own feelings, a bit of Internet attention maybe, whatever it is, its not coming from a good place.

You absolutely are judging. And your judgement is ill-informed.

But sitting in judgement wasn’t enough - you’ve now called up mn chat to backup your position of judgement and condone you intervening in this “dangerous ghoulish abuse”

Take a moment to think properly about how this thread comes over to actual real bereaved parents right here on this thread - the ones who DO know what this is like because they lived through it and raised subsequent children.

Fuck me, the comments on this thread are appalling.

In some ways though, it’s helpful to know how the future parenting of bereaved parents is scrutinised, judged and found wanting to the point where their future children need “saving” from them.

All the more reason for bereaved parents to keep their friends close and not bother trying to get anyone outside their experience to have any inkling how surviving this really works.

To the OP, if your ex colleague has kept their remaining family together and still has friends and family around them they’re already doing better than the huge percentage of bereaved families who break completely and are unable to function after this type of loss.

Any ex-colleague of mine came along to pass judgement and “save” my poor little sibling child you’re damn right they’d get cut off.

“Again, the thread is not for parents of children who have passed away.”

Oh… my mistake. Apologies for being here.

I forgot the unspoken rule that bereaved parents are meant to hide under a rock for the rest of their lives and not darken anyone’s day by mentioning the realities of surviving and thriving with this utterly awful experience

Wait… nope, not sorry at all.

Nothing about us without us.

Judge all you like - but if you post that here expect to be challenged on it.

Exactly, the thread has kids who felt their parents were wrong by not mentioning their sibling, and others who felt their parents were wrong by mentioning their siblings, and a whole host of people who aren't bereaved parents telling us how they would act perfectly if their child died.

Just the same old shit.

The personality of the subsequent child comes into it too. We all respond differently.

The bottom line is that child loss damages a family, full stop. There's no way of avoiding some level of damage to all involved, somehow, even if you don't see it.

I don't actually want to talk about it. But people ask such probing questions about what your children are all up to with their lives that, when they push, you sometimes end up telling them that child has died because you can't avoid it because they won't let you.