Being born after the death of a sibling - do you have a connection with them?

[goodovationsonly]

This is obviously a hugely emotive topic for those in this position, so please step away if it's going to upset you. I'd genuinely be interested to hear others' perspectives on this, and if I should ever speak to my friend about it.
I had a colleague and we are still in touch via social media. Her first child was diagnosed antenatally as having an incompatible with life syndrome, and they decided to continue with the pregnancy. Their ds was born and after a fairly short time they brought him home on palliative care. She knew he was going to die fairly soon so TTC and got pregnant when he was 2 months old. Her ds was adorable and she shared lots of detail to document it. Life was difficult, his health was extremely fragile and he needed to be resuscitated quite a lot, friend's life was very restricted as she couldn't expose him to any infection etc. Sadly he died a week before baby 2 was born, but lived much longer than anyone imagined.
From the second baby was born every single post was in relation and/or a comparison to child 1. The parents were obviously in the throes of grief, but at times I wondered if this child would look back on these posts and feel bad that there was nothing solely about them. All hashtags were #jonnyslittlebro (not real name).
Child is now 3 and they still very heavily document life, so I see very regular updates. Child 1 is included in everything, so let's say it's a milestone for child 2, such as a birthday or potty training, a present will also be bought for child 1. Any time they go out for a walk, they will see signs of child 1, whether it be a rainbow/plant/feather. Child 2 kisses a picture of child 1 goodnight before bed every night and talks about "my brother". Every christmas there is a stocking for child 1, and child 2 is now responsible for choosing presents for it. I'm keeping it very brief here, but child 1 is still very much incorporated into their lives, and the parents very much love that child 2 talks about his brother voluntarily and includes him (which has obviously been heavily encouraged by them) in daily life. It's all fine as child is still very young, but it made me worry that child will feel under pressure to do this as he gets older. Three years on the parents are still very much grieving for child 1 (totally expected) but it seems quite unhealthy to me how much child 2 is living in child 1's shadow, and is expected to stay there.

I remembered a thread years ago where a poster said she took her young dc to visit her mum's grave very regularly, and that they had a close relationship. (DGM died before dc was born). A poster replied "sorry to say this but they don't have a relationship, she's dead and they never met" and the poster was really upset by this. To her, there was a bond/relationship between them that she had facilitated and it was important to her that she encouraged this. So it was for her benefit really.

I'm at the stage now where I'm wondering if I should very gently try to speak to friend about this? I don't want to hurt her of course, she's still having grief counselling but I worry she still cannot see her ds2 as a person in his own right and this will affect him.

If you were the child born after a sibling death, how has it impacted you?

I am a surviving identical twin, I sometimes look in the mirror and know this is what she would like now. My sister died of SIDS. She was often mentioned and talked about, she was always there. Especially on the day she died and sometimes on our birthday. Not always though. My mother would often use her death in an argument "after everything I've been through". That used to work until I had my own children and it became so disgusting to me.

My mother never dealt with the death of her children (she had 2 more which died) she really needs proper counselling.

Gently, I don't think you can or should say anything. You are not close enough.

I was born after my older brother died just a few weeks old. He has always been a part of our family. I never felt like I lived in his shadow. In my mind, I see him as an older brother, not an infant. Times were different so my parents privately dealt with their grief. They only have one photo of him, which is in a prominent place at home. We always talk about the person he might have been, especially on his birthday and anniversary. Your friend is dealing with terrible tragic grief the best way she can. We are all different and don't know how we might respond in the circumstances.

To be honest, she's the type of person I would feel comfortable with to send a very kind message to, we do have personal contact. I'm hardly going to go in guns ablazing, but over time I could build up to it. She's a very honest, open person with others too. Someone must have raised the point of her sharing her ds2's life very publicly online, as she addressed this.
Mumsnet is not just a support site, it's a chat platform with over 8 million members. It's anonymous, and the most 'neutral' place I can ask a question like this.

Yes, I agree with that, but there still seems to be a strong feeling amongst some that the person she's writing about is doing nothing wrong.

The internet isn't as anonymous as you think and this is a huge site. In fact, what if the Daily Mail picked up your thread and wrote a story about it? It happens.

It doesn't sound great, but I don't think any good will come of you raising it.

It really doesn't sound even slightly appropriate

There is no 'right' way to do things. There will always be an impact on other children in the family when a sibling dies.

The worst person in this is op, who isn't involved, can't do anything, sits and silently judges, then decides that's not enough and invites MN to judge them too.

My dad was in the exact same position as you. He was born 11 months after the death of his brother died from childhood leukemia and I've always suspected my GPS would have been able to have loved him had he been a girl like they did with his younger sisters but the only boy they wanted was the one they had recently lost.

As it was it cast a terrible shadow over all our lives, watching a good, decent, kind man that my DDad was suffering with feelings of inadequacy and being underserving of all our love was torturous and even though my grandparents undoubtedly suffered a great loss I will never forgive them for the damage they caused an innocent child and later a lovely man.

You've suspected, it doesn't mean you are right.

Plenty of people feel the way your DH does without sibling loss. Mine included. Chances are he'd have felt that way anyway, maybe because of the kind of people his parents are, maybe because of some other factor or combined factors.

That's an appalling thing to say.

I don't see how. Plenty of people feel unworthy of love and inadequate without having lost a sibling.

I would love to weigh in as an outsider to a situation like this. DH’s older brother died in childbirth. He has an older sister.

his dad was not there for his birth. When the hospital rang him he asked how his wife was first before asking about DH. I have never witnessed my in laws tell DH they love him or they are proud of him. They have no photos in their house of him or our children, yet they have plenty of his sister and her kids proudly on display. Whenever the in laws are recounting childhoods it’s always stories about his sister, to the point where I say ‘I’m not married to her, I’m married to DH, could you tell me a story about him please’. His sister is invited for a weekly takeaway. We aren’t.

It is so easy to spot as an outsider and it breaks my heart.

My aunties had a totally different upbringing and relationship. None of them suffered at all. Just the only boy.

I understand what you're saying. I know it does happen that there's a family scapegoat or one sex is favoured over others.

no parent wants to think that their action regarding their grief could negatively effect their other children so i think this is obviously something you can't say and has understandably upset some people.

But there's probably a fine line that is difficult to navigate and i don't think there is anything that anyone can say or do to try and help existing children in this situation unless help is sought out. we can only hope as the pain of grief softens a balance can be found.

I get that you are not judging OP you are obviously just concerned

Yeah, scapegoat is spot on. My aunties were all fine and my uncle who was the youngest was the apple of my gms eye. It was just the boy that "replaced" the boy they wanted who took the heat.

To all the people attacking the OP and defending the mother, do you have any interest in the living child's emotional welfare at all?

There are ways for the mother to manage her grief and remember her lost baby, without tying a huge emotional burden to the child.

Both people in this situation are important. Ignoring the effects on the child and empathising only with the mother, is dangerous. I hope she has family members who can see both sides.

Op isn't the person to deal with it though, all op has done is given a lot of personal information about a family she has no real involvement with, and isn't in a space to advise.

Who is that helping?

I am a younger sibling, my sibling died at age 1 before I was born. I have always known about them and visited their grave and have spoken about them to my own children. My mum still grieves many years later which is understandable especially around their birthday or death.
my own child is the same age as them now and she will sometimes compare milestones but I like this as it keeps their memory alive.
I have never felt compared or been asked to live my life for them or anything like that. Myself and my live siblings have always come first. Different times maybe as they died 40+ years ago.

The responses have been helpful I think. Some siblings feel they grew up in the shadow of their deceased sibling, which they found damaging. Some had a presence of their sibling which was nice for them. It seems how the parent responded was quite key.

Helpful to who?

You are nothing to do with their situation, and can't do anything about it.

You just wanted a little bitch and moan at a bereaved parents expense. For what purpose?

Child/ baby loss in 2025 is dealt with, generally, in a very different way to 10,20, 30 years ago. It is, generally, seen as healthier for both parents and siblings to be open about what has happened so that living children can work through grief, trauma etc rather than having unanswered questions, bottling it up etc.
I do understand that for someone who has not lost a child it is hard/ impossible to understand how families can possibly navigate their way through it. Pretending/ acting like it didn't happen is generally not the way.
Examples however such as critical comparisons between living and non-living siblings, feeling unloved or ignored, are obviously awful.

My mother lost my elder sister Betty in the early 1940s from TB, she was just over three years old and within 18 months had a still birth, too . All of this happened lon before I was born. Sadly my mother was not able to be with her at the hospital when she died, as hospitals did not permit parents to stay and visiting was strictly limited. Whilst there were pictures of her in my mother's bedroom, she was not discussed often until I was in my 20s/30s but we knew about her. I wish I had not been too frightened of upsetting my mum to ask what this little girl, with a mop head of Shirley Temple curls was like... but we do have the photos and I realise that I am one of the few left who knew about her.

Everyone has a different way of displaying grief, @goodovationsonly I can totally understand your point of view and would wonder how healthy this was for child 2. I know that when my sister died, colleagues were suprised when I came into work two days later, but everyone copes in different ways, and like my ma, I just got on with it.

I know someone who had a "rainbow baby" after losing a child. They called the second child Rainbow, as a result. The child is growing up in the shadow of the tragedy so openly, that their literal name refers to it.

It's not what I would do, however I would NEVER criticise how anyone else grieves, because it's such a personal thing. People can die of grief, I think chatting to their kid about their brother isn't the worst thing. The presents are too much in my opinion, that must be confusing for the child. But accepting death from a young age can be healthy, in many cultures is everyday and normal. It's a complicated one, and I'd put faith in the grief counsellors here, and stay well clear of broaching it.