Lads need dads - the Lost Boys report

[osotroo]

I read this BBC article and it struck a chord. I couldn't see a thread on it here, so thought I'd start one:

BBC News - Lost boys report: Young men are in crisis due to fatherlessness - BBC News
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cjd3jlee33yo

I have two boys, who are lucky to have a wonderful dad. I know many mumsnetters have sons who are not so fortunate, whether through bereavement, abandonment, relationship break-down, violence, or personal choice. In many cases, no father figure will be better than the default option. But what can society do to compensate? The obvious answer is more male teachers, more male sports coaches, and other activity leaders that can provide positive role models. What really saddens me is the "all men are bastards" attitude that is so common on these threads, because believing that can only make lives worse, not better.

Well putting the onus on women has to be the last solution. Is it REALLY so much to expect better from men?

Too many women are afraid to rock the boat. Afraid of male anger and violence, afraid of the backlash , afraid that the stupidly low standards that men are awarded will become clearly a choice rather than inability or “nature”. Too many men don’t want to rock the boat or change the status quo because they benefit from it. It’s easier to blame women than face reality. Men don’t take responsibility, stop raping, stop abusing, look after their kids etc because they don’t want to. And they don’t have to, because taking a kid to the park is being super dad. On and on it goes, same vicious circle.

So putting their needs before any children's needs? And children's needs of a positive role models?

That is true but it doesn't explain why men don't get involved in other volunteer work at the same rate as women. Before his current role my dh did work experience at a charity that supported men with their mental health and general well being (like menshed but not). There was only one male volunteer and dozens of female, despite them constantly attempting to recruit men and running all sorts of initiatives to encourage their involvement. I worked at a small community based company and whenever we needed to recruit volunteer board members the applicants were always women, we could never attract men unless it was a paying role, and there were no safeguarding requirements.

If men judged other men on their parenting that would help.

If being a crap dad and dreadful partner (or co-parent) was seen as a failure within male social circles perhaps more men would step up or pride themselves on being, if nothing else, a good dad.

I haven’t said it’s the woman’s fault it’s the absent fathers that are at fault. As long as mothers are trying to support them then there is a better chance the kids wont go off the rails

Yep so many men are selfish, lazy dickheads and see raising children as women’s work - they don’t raise their own kids so they’re incredibly unlikely to put the effort in to raise another man’s. Generations of boys see this and are damaged by it and the easiest choice for them is to play the game and join in because at least you get to be selfish and lazy even if you’re never happy or truly loved.

I agree with a pp that so many men have such fragile self esteem and such terrified awareness of the pecking order that the only thing that keeps them going is their mistaken belief that at least they are better than women. And as raising children, teaching, nursery work, volunteering to work for free etc is women’s work their ego will never let them stoop to properly partake in it. Billions of humans who never truly participate in what makes it worth existing - to love and be loved because of stupid, misplaced pride.

These men out there don’t need a few pointers, they’ve grown up in a soup of believing they are inherently superior just for existing with a penis. Society backs this up so the changes needed are wide ranging, painful and won’t come without resistance.

Possibly, but I don’t think many women would want to abort a baby that they wanted just because it transpires the dad is an arse hole.

That’s a big decision to make, and live with.

The onus is always on women.

we are told not to walk alone, in the dark, with earphones in etc etc etc rather than men to be told stop the raping

Lol yes, they think that trans women are women, but if one of the trans women wants to have sex with them it's ⤵️
🍆oh no, no way, not going to do that, that's a man!

Out of control bad man are a huge problem for every society, everyone is scared of them, no one wants to confront them or deal with them.
Yes women can also go bad and get out of control but they are not as threatening as the men, a men go bad much more easily and quickly than women do.

Choices of women?
Presumably you think women are in the wrong for choosing not to unquestioningly obey and defer to men who want to dominate and oppress them.
I presume that for you anyone who is not a handmaiden fits into the feminist category?

Sometimes they do sometimes they don’t

Some fathers get unfairly forced out of their children's lives because of a vindictive ex. Way more fathers simply can't be arsed to maintain a strong presence in their children's lives once the relationship with the mother has broken down.

This has been a problem for generations. Boys are growing up seeing their own fathers lose interest in them which reinforces the view that child rearing is women's work and so they're more likely to walk out of their own children in later life.

What a massive pile of self-pitying bollocks. Courts fall over themselves to offer fathers CAOs with regular contact. CAOs specifying 50:50 custody are more common now than they've ever been. They'd be even more common if more men wanted them but a lot of these men simply can't be arsed to put the effort in.

REALITY is that men expect to have rights, but too many of them don't want to do the unpaid and menial work that is involved, and they don't want to make the sacrifices that are required of a good parent.

The reality is, men want (and have ) those rights while not wanting any of the responsibility, like parenting, paying for those kids, seeing them when they said they would, looking after them when they’re ill, taking time off work and so on.

Am I correct in thinking that English isn't your first language?