Do you believe adult children should be their parents carers?

[Cornishpastyskinned]

I’m asking to see the general consensus on the subject, do you care for a parent or you will when the time comes?

MIL is disabled and relies heavily on her children to care for her. 2 of them no longer live local to her anymore after years of looking after her, and now have their own lives and families, yet she will contact one of them in a panic because she needs help with her cupboard door or play on symptoms so they will rush to her house thinking it’s serious. If the son she has contacted doesn’t ‘obey’ she will move on to the next one and add some fake tears to guilt trip them into helping her. If they go, she will ask for a tea and want to sit down and chat. If they show any annoyance that she lied and wasted their time and therefore a days wage she will start the guilt tripping.

Now don’t get me wrong, we visit her as much as we can which is usually every Sunday morning and offer to do any jobs she needs. Face to face she’ll refuse and say she can manage. She has a window cleaner, gardener and cleaner/shopping help. She’s rarely alone and rarely has to do anything for herself so she isn’t abandoned and left to fend for herself. She doesn’t give any of her grandchildren attention, it always has to be about her.

I have told DH it sounds like loneliness and she wants her sons around her, but she isn’t considering their lives or mental health. BIL is really struggling with the guilt tripping because he can’t rush to her side 2 hours away as he has a newborn and works nights. DH has had enough after she would constantly call him at work claiming an emergency, he’d rush to her but there would be nothing wrong she’d just want company. Other BIL does as she demands but it’s taking it’s toll on him too, he’s only young and has given up his social life as he doesn’t want to upset her by not being available. She bosses him around telling him jobs he HAS to do.

We’ve discussed a carer and that we’re all happy to chip in and pay as it’s not a responsibility any of us can realistically manage, but she refuses on the basis she will lose her independence (?). She said she’d prefer her children come whenever she asks instead as it doesn’t feel like caring!

Last night she told DH he needs to take the rest of the week off work because she needs him to stay with her to do her washing and help her practise using a walking stick, after she called for an ambulance because her knees were hurting. She was taken to A&E but they sent her home as nothing was wrong. This was at 12.30am and she wanted him to go there at that time - a 1hr 30 min trip, after he’d been at work from 6am to 6pm and we have 3 young children. She didn’t ask, she expected it. It’s becoming far too common for her to expect everyone to drop their responsibilities to help her. If she is refuseing a carer what else can we do? If her sons don’t want to be carers surely that’s their choice and they shouldn’t be guilt into it? Has anyone got experience of this and could share their resolution please?

(sorry it’s such a long post I needed to vent as it’s getting on top of all of us)

No, I agree family should help out where they can such as ordering an online food shop, sorting out blister pack medications to be delivered and sorting out carers, be available in emergencies that sort of thing but really no I think formal care should be sought where possible as it often leads to carer crisis and then emergency NHS help is usually needed to step in

No. Children don’t ask to be born. It’s up to their parents to look after their health responsibly and make arrangements for their own old age wherever possible. Having said that I looked after my mum til she died, but that was my choice, not hers.

No, absolutely no way will I be a carer for my parents. They wouldn't want us to put prices on hold. I'm a nurse, so I've doing my fare share of caring for others.

Did MIL look after her parents?

In an ideal world, yes. But we don’t live in an ideal world.
It sounds like she doesn’t need ‘care’ but more of companionship. AGE UK might be able to offer something like that in your area.

No, as no adult is responsible for another adult unless that adult is willing and able to be a designated carer for an adult with additional needs.
Your MIL wants independence (not assisted living or similar) so she needs to identify a way to see people to reduce loneliness - online groups and phoning friends if she can't get out.

I don't ever want my children to become my carers though it would be nice if they visited when I'm old and inform

Yes, in an ideal world but it doesn’t sound like your MIL actually needs a carer, she sounds emotionally manipulative and controlling.

Children shouldn't ever feel an obligation. Responsibility goes down the generations, not up. You have a responsibility to your children, not to her.
Having said that, of course it's nice to help out where you can, but she needs to respect your boundaries based on the fact there is work and young children and stressful lives to contend with.
If she were my client (I work as an advocate for older people) I would be thinking about a referral to older people's mental health. Perhaps she is a little depressed / losing confidence and this is translating into being more demanding of her sons / feeling lonely. Possibly a mild antidepressant might help her feel less in need of constant attention. Or you could look for a local befriending service.

The family need to get together and discuss boundaries going forward. And stick to them.
She is going to turn on the tears, because it's working for her so far.
Nothing will change because she is getting her needs and wants met at the families expense.

To be honest I think some of the boomer lot are the most pampered in history and just cannot fathom that they might have some hardship.

My parents said to me they never expected me to drop my life/family to look after them, I will not do it for MIL, we have moved her to our village but she is still independent and we enjoy the time we all have together. But caring, no, we thought about this she is in an independent living flat, in a complex with a site manager and will be able to live there for as long as possible without any huge caring responsibilities from us.

I think you need to sit MIL down and explain that H, well H needs to do this, that his young children are his dependents now. She might huff and puff but you need to snap the umbilical cord as society has changed, many don't live in walking distance of each other, people have children later, both adults in a house work so there isn't the available village, tell her it was the boomers taking everything and pulling up the drawbridge and this is the result.

No - you are none of you local , your only responsibility is to help her find local help or suggest she relocates close to one of you .

I absolutely expect to care for my family (parents, siblings, children, grandchildren if I have any) I don’t think that means to me quite what it means to your MIL though @Cornishpastyskinned . I would help her to be less dependent on her children by offering to source other support for her as you have but not what she seems to expect.

No…we don’t live here in the UK in extended family living anymore where this used to “work” and it places undue pressure on many women disproportionately..to manage jobs children and care of their parents at the same time

if you do choose to do it the govt give you around £70 a week..for all that stress and heartache, pure pittance

No, I dont expect my 3 adult DC to look after me when/if the time comes. I did look after my mum for as long as I could but she had Alzheimer's and cancer and needed constant medical care so spent the last 8 months in residential care. My sister retired early too and spent a lot of her time with mum at the home and I saw her at least once a week after she moved there. It was easier for me to look after her before she went in the home, as I lived in the same road as her and me and mum were incredibly close, especially after my relationship broke down, she was my rock and so I wanted to be hers, but she didn't make demands of me it was what I chose and was happy to do so.

I have told my own DC when the time comes, I am happy to go in a home or have a carer, I want to keep my mother, child relationship with them rather than a carer one if that makes sense. I have had to speak to one of my DS recently who said he wanted me to move in with him as he was worried I may be lonely, but the truth is I am happy if they are living their best lives and quite content to see them at family get togethers etc. Ironically he has moved back in with me after his marriage failed, which I am happy to accommodate but like a PP said, they didn't choose to be born and we cant expect anything of them.

I certainly don’t believe that people should feel compelled to care for their elderly parents. There are so many variables at play, many of which have been mentioned already. Location, distance, kids, money, family dynamics, mental health.

From a personal perspective, I will do all I can to ensure that my parents are well cared for and feel loved and valued. Were they perfect parents, nope, did they do the best they could for me, yes. I will, because I want to, do what I can to make life easier for them as and when they need me to. But fortunately, they never ‘put on me’, which makes my natural inclination to help them that bit stronger.

The issue for you and your husband is that your MIL expects it. I hope you can find a resolution, She needs to be more humble, and realistic. It won’t be an easy conversation to have though.

No, of course not. We all need to make proper arrangements for our care, and not expect family members to do it. Those of us who are childfree will have to do that anyway, so why shouldn't everyone else?

No.
I understand many will support their parents when the time comes, because they have a loving relationship with them and choose to do so, but that is very different from the suggestion they should.

I also think that most of us have to reach a balance that works for each of us - yes, get some support in, yes, try to make time to support where it is practical, but all that is a long way from the manipulation, lying, and tears described in the OP.

I believe that a lot of people mistake loneliness for boredom.
She has A LOT of help so doesn’t really have much to do herself and so she is bored.

Boundaries really need to be put in place as she already has everyone dancing to her tune and it will only get worse the older she gets.
Wasting health professionals time is a big no no!

ALL her children need to be on the same page when dealing with her so she isn’t playing one off against the other which is her current tactic.

She is being completely unreasonable.

I help my dad out with stuff and try and make sure I visit a couple of times a week - but ultimately I live my own life and he fits around it. There's no way he would expect me to drop everything and rush round there.

Could DH help her find some social groups around there - day centres, lunch clubs etc? We only live in a small town but there are several here for elderly people.

Family should help where they can but if the need is greater then yes she needs carers or a retirement village. When my mum was terminally ill I gave up work and supported her. But I wanted to and we were in a position where I could. Now I work part time (we have young children) and I support my dad by ordering his food/prescriptions/shopping and managing his bills. I also visit once or twice a week and ring him a couple time a week. Dh helps with diy/technical issues on the odd occasion that it’s needed. If he every needs more care we would look at a care package

That’s outrageous. Your dh should not take time off work to get her used to her stick and do her washing. You can go down on Sunday as normal.

I have no particular beliefs on this subject, but think we will be the last generation in this country that can avoid it.
There will (and already is) more and increasing multi generational living, which is cheaper for all parties taking into account housing, child care and elder care.

I think if you have a close relationship, you should support them if you are able. If you live nearby either financially or with practical things. If not nearby, then financially as needed.

Me personally, I won’t be caring for my parents. My dad died young and I am NC with my mum (who lives in another country and has more money than I will ever have anyway). I can see us providing care for MIL, with practical help but also financially if she needed. We wouldn’t let her go without, though realistically she lives an hour from us, so carers we could pay for, but daily care would be tricky, though we would definitely do as much as we could.

I come from a culture where it's absolutely expected to care for your parents. I think your MIL is taking the piss though and they need to pull back.