I’m asking to see the general consensus on the subject, do you care for a parent or you will when the time comes?
MIL is disabled and relies heavily on her children to care for her. 2 of them no longer live local to her anymore after years of looking after her, and now have their own lives and families, yet she will contact one of them in a panic because she needs help with her cupboard door or play on symptoms so they will rush to her house thinking it’s serious. If the son she has contacted doesn’t ‘obey’ she will move on to the next one and add some fake tears to guilt trip them into helping her. If they go, she will ask for a tea and want to sit down and chat. If they show any annoyance that she lied and wasted their time and therefore a days wage she will start the guilt tripping.
Now don’t get me wrong, we visit her as much as we can which is usually every Sunday morning and offer to do any jobs she needs. Face to face she’ll refuse and say she can manage. She has a window cleaner, gardener and cleaner/shopping help. She’s rarely alone and rarely has to do anything for herself so she isn’t abandoned and left to fend for herself. She doesn’t give any of her grandchildren attention, it always has to be about her.
I have told DH it sounds like loneliness and she wants her sons around her, but she isn’t considering their lives or mental health. BIL is really struggling with the guilt tripping because he can’t rush to her side 2 hours away as he has a newborn and works nights. DH has had enough after she would constantly call him at work claiming an emergency, he’d rush to her but there would be nothing wrong she’d just want company. Other BIL does as she demands but it’s taking it’s toll on him too, he’s only young and has given up his social life as he doesn’t want to upset her by not being available. She bosses him around telling him jobs he HAS to do.
We’ve discussed a carer and that we’re all happy to chip in and pay as it’s not a responsibility any of us can realistically manage, but she refuses on the basis she will lose her independence (?). She said she’d prefer her children come whenever she asks instead as it doesn’t feel like caring!
Last night she told DH he needs to take the rest of the week off work because she needs him to stay with her to do her washing and help her practise using a walking stick, after she called for an ambulance because her knees were hurting. She was taken to A&E but they sent her home as nothing was wrong. This was at 12.30am and she wanted him to go there at that time - a 1hr 30 min trip, after he’d been at work from 6am to 6pm and we have 3 young children. She didn’t ask, she expected it. It’s becoming far too common for her to expect everyone to drop their responsibilities to help her. If she is refuseing a carer what else can we do? If her sons don’t want to be carers surely that’s their choice and they shouldn’t be guilt into it? Has anyone got experience of this and could share their resolution please?
(sorry it’s such a long post I needed to vent as it’s getting on top of all of us)