Do you believe adult children should be their parents carers?

[Cornishpastyskinned]

I’m asking to see the general consensus on the subject, do you care for a parent or you will when the time comes?

MIL is disabled and relies heavily on her children to care for her. 2 of them no longer live local to her anymore after years of looking after her, and now have their own lives and families, yet she will contact one of them in a panic because she needs help with her cupboard door or play on symptoms so they will rush to her house thinking it’s serious. If the son she has contacted doesn’t ‘obey’ she will move on to the next one and add some fake tears to guilt trip them into helping her. If they go, she will ask for a tea and want to sit down and chat. If they show any annoyance that she lied and wasted their time and therefore a days wage she will start the guilt tripping.

Now don’t get me wrong, we visit her as much as we can which is usually every Sunday morning and offer to do any jobs she needs. Face to face she’ll refuse and say she can manage. She has a window cleaner, gardener and cleaner/shopping help. She’s rarely alone and rarely has to do anything for herself so she isn’t abandoned and left to fend for herself. She doesn’t give any of her grandchildren attention, it always has to be about her.

I have told DH it sounds like loneliness and she wants her sons around her, but she isn’t considering their lives or mental health. BIL is really struggling with the guilt tripping because he can’t rush to her side 2 hours away as he has a newborn and works nights. DH has had enough after she would constantly call him at work claiming an emergency, he’d rush to her but there would be nothing wrong she’d just want company. Other BIL does as she demands but it’s taking it’s toll on him too, he’s only young and has given up his social life as he doesn’t want to upset her by not being available. She bosses him around telling him jobs he HAS to do.

We’ve discussed a carer and that we’re all happy to chip in and pay as it’s not a responsibility any of us can realistically manage, but she refuses on the basis she will lose her independence (?). She said she’d prefer her children come whenever she asks instead as it doesn’t feel like caring!

Last night she told DH he needs to take the rest of the week off work because she needs him to stay with her to do her washing and help her practise using a walking stick, after she called for an ambulance because her knees were hurting. She was taken to A&E but they sent her home as nothing was wrong. This was at 12.30am and she wanted him to go there at that time - a 1hr 30 min trip, after he’d been at work from 6am to 6pm and we have 3 young children. She didn’t ask, she expected it. It’s becoming far too common for her to expect everyone to drop their responsibilities to help her. If she is refuseing a carer what else can we do? If her sons don’t want to be carers surely that’s their choice and they shouldn’t be guilt into it? Has anyone got experience of this and could share their resolution please?

(sorry it’s such a long post I needed to vent as it’s getting on top of all of us)

Yes i agree.

There is an old lady on our street whose husband died last year and she is totally isolated. I go months at a time without setting eyes on her. One son who lives abroad. A couple of early retiree neighbours keep an eye on her, but she basically spends her days alone.

DH and I moved to this town 8 years ago and joined a couple of clubs to make friends. She said to us once "Oh you are good - we've never been joiner-iners".

Well, that attitude has unfortunately led to the lonely life she's now faced with.

There are endless free activities in the town (1/2 a mile away) for old people, and a good bus service to get to them. It's frustrating.

No I don’t and I say that as someone who has been a carer to my Mum with dementia. They should help and support as much as they can. It does seem to be a symptom of dementia when older people become very stubborn and only considering their own needs. Very short sighted too. My mum refused to downsize or get rid of all the clutter she hoarded if she had of moved someone like assisted living she may have avoided a care home. Everyone’s circumstances are different though.

I will organise as much as I can and thankfully DPs have funds for their own care, but I absolutely will not be helping with personal care such as showering or toileting.

We are already at an impasse on cleaning. I hate cleaning, can scarcely keep my own place clean, DM has macular degeneration and DF is 91, house is getting a bit neglected. I managed to get DM full attendance allowance and suggested she spend it on a cleaner - will she, no. I have said I will not do it, they say they do not want me to do it, but cannot do it themselves and refuse to get someone in.

They think they ate being independent, but actually they would be more truly self sufficient if they accepted that they needed some paid help.

In no way as demanding as this MIL who could live for another 20-30 years. Your DH should try to draw back, she expects far too much from him.

I’m so relieved to see these posts.
My mum has just gone from being completely independent, fit, and healthy four months ago to being almost completely bedridden. I’ve had to move in with her to do all her medication and meals but she’s always said she doesn’t expect me to look after her when she gets old. She’s not old yet and I don’t mind doing as much as I’m doing to help her while she’s so ill but I draw the line at personal care and have been made to feel like a monster for saying so.

Has she had a care needs assessment from her local Council Adult Social Services? That's the place to start. She does sound needy and if you are all unable to help due to other commitments, she might benefit from a befriending service too. Some of what you have described is not what I would define as requiring care, she sounds lonely.

My 80 year old Mil is helping us having ds2 over twice a week for sleepover! She loves it and is very disappointed if he wants to sleep at a friend's Saturday.. My DH helps her with her tax once a year and everything technological. She does her shopping by herself (home delivery). If she's ill I would definitely help care for her but that's because she's a lovely person who does not expect other people to cater to her needs when she's perfectly able to do it herself!

Your Mil is taking the piss. I can't believe a mother can be so selfish that she doesn't realise she's hurting her sons. They need to put down some boundaries asap. They have kids to take care of which should be their number one priority. You are kind who visit her every Sunday. I think I would have bailed out from seeing her a long time ago but then I'm allergic to entitled selfish CF.

Very well put - a graceful acceptance that you are at the end stage of your life is really the greatest courtesy you can give your children.

But I think our brains change as we age - aren’t 80 year olds like teenagers.
My only thought is that we are so protective of old people, especially in care homes, that they aren’t allowed to have falls, can’t let them get in or out of bed on their own. Sit them in a chair all day. Whereas if they attempted to keep moving their falls might speed their demise -naturally.
I don’t want years in a care home cocooned in cotton wool - I want to walk round the garden, enjoy the trees and flowers. I’m 70 but that plan might change by 80😂

So your DH and her other children have potentially been providing support for your MIL for nearly 30 years already?! Were they young carers?
There is a big difference between offering help with housework, shopping and admin tasks and doing "personal" care i.e. help with dressing, washing and showering etc.
Expecting 24/7 care is unreasonable. The adult children need to make a joint decision together on the best way forward.

I don't understand your mum's attitude at all. I would be totally mortified if my kids had to help me with personal care such as going to the toilet and showering/bathing. It would make us all uncomfortable.

I couldn’t think of much worse than being wiped and bathed by adult children!

No. And by the time that comes for me, hopefully in 30+ years, euth will be legal and I'll pop off that way rather than be reliant on my children.

It's not a case of “should” or “have to” - adult children don’t HAVE to be carers, any more then parents HAVE to gIve/leave any money to their children. 🤷‍♀️

It depends on the relationships. 👍

Let's hope you don't have an accident and need full time care.....

If I did, my husband would look after me.

I very firmly believe that adult children should not be carers for parents. My personal belief is that families should help each other out, maybe going to shops or helping out round the house on an adhoc basis but not caring/personal care responsibilities. The relationship should be maintained IMO, have a cuppa together, go out for cake or whatever together.

Another consideration is that people will be working so much later, if I am working till I am 68 my parents will be in their 92 and 94 by then, potentially they could need care before that so it won't be provided by me.

I honestly cant think of anything worse than having my DC have to do my personal care.

Thanks again for all your replies.
FIL left her around 20 years ago, he has since passed away but he would do the general care for her when her disability began, so none of their son’s had caring duties until he left.
I think she may have replaced her husband with her son’s as expected carers in my mind, but other relatives chipped in so they didn’t need to do much.
We’ve discussed asking her to either consider a carer or she may need to live in a home.
Her hesitation is due to losing independence but she doesn’t have any as it is. Fingers crossed we can get through to her this time.

No

I plan to be my mums carer if needed. She has helped me massively in life with looking after my kids house deposit ect. I don't feel guilted into this more that I want to pay back some of kindness she has shown me. Also I know this sounds bad to save on care costs as my two brothers are disabled and if the house needs sold to pay for care needs they'll be homeless.

I'm not going to care for my brothers though as it's a completely different dynamic and they will not listen to me and I do not want that stress in my life.

I think it will be really hard for today's children to provide care to their parents. They are going to be working probably into their 70s. I don't have children and am currently saving as much as I can to pay for my care. In some ways I feel more secure about that than having to rely on my (hypothetical) children. At least I won't be a burden in anyone other than people who are being paid to care for me.

No.

Absolutely children should not be their parents carers however, the last two years I've been having cancer treatment. My husband was also taken seriously ill and incapable of driving me to appointments or being there for me. I'm indebted to my children who were here for every treatment, driving me there etc. Along with helping me with my husband's needs

It's not something I ever wanted to happen but I'm so glad I have the amazing support of my children. This year I intend to not ask them for anything. They have their own lives to lead.

Yes, my elderly father has worsening dementia and lives with us. I'm his carer.

I do not believe children have to be their parents carers. No. They can choose to be if that's what both parties want, but they should not feel obliged.

Its hard. The hardest parts, in our case, are incontinent episodes and infections.

There is absolutely no way anyone should feel obligated. Its a choice. I'm under no illusion that we won't always be able to care for him here at home but, while we can, we will.

LegalAlienated · 13/03/2025 17:34

In an ideal world, yes. But we don’t live in an ideal world.

Why? In my ideal world, my mum would be cared for by a competent professional, not well meaning relatives (mostly my stepdad who’s no spring chicken himself) who don’t really know what they’re doing.
She won’t even recognise her rapidly advancing dementia, though, even on lucid days, and won’t let strangers into the house, so that’s not going to happen, sadly.