Do you believe adult children should be their parents carers?

[Cornishpastyskinned]

I’m asking to see the general consensus on the subject, do you care for a parent or you will when the time comes?

MIL is disabled and relies heavily on her children to care for her. 2 of them no longer live local to her anymore after years of looking after her, and now have their own lives and families, yet she will contact one of them in a panic because she needs help with her cupboard door or play on symptoms so they will rush to her house thinking it’s serious. If the son she has contacted doesn’t ‘obey’ she will move on to the next one and add some fake tears to guilt trip them into helping her. If they go, she will ask for a tea and want to sit down and chat. If they show any annoyance that she lied and wasted their time and therefore a days wage she will start the guilt tripping.

Now don’t get me wrong, we visit her as much as we can which is usually every Sunday morning and offer to do any jobs she needs. Face to face she’ll refuse and say she can manage. She has a window cleaner, gardener and cleaner/shopping help. She’s rarely alone and rarely has to do anything for herself so she isn’t abandoned and left to fend for herself. She doesn’t give any of her grandchildren attention, it always has to be about her.

I have told DH it sounds like loneliness and she wants her sons around her, but she isn’t considering their lives or mental health. BIL is really struggling with the guilt tripping because he can’t rush to her side 2 hours away as he has a newborn and works nights. DH has had enough after she would constantly call him at work claiming an emergency, he’d rush to her but there would be nothing wrong she’d just want company. Other BIL does as she demands but it’s taking it’s toll on him too, he’s only young and has given up his social life as he doesn’t want to upset her by not being available. She bosses him around telling him jobs he HAS to do.

We’ve discussed a carer and that we’re all happy to chip in and pay as it’s not a responsibility any of us can realistically manage, but she refuses on the basis she will lose her independence (?). She said she’d prefer her children come whenever she asks instead as it doesn’t feel like caring!

Last night she told DH he needs to take the rest of the week off work because she needs him to stay with her to do her washing and help her practise using a walking stick, after she called for an ambulance because her knees were hurting. She was taken to A&E but they sent her home as nothing was wrong. This was at 12.30am and she wanted him to go there at that time - a 1hr 30 min trip, after he’d been at work from 6am to 6pm and we have 3 young children. She didn’t ask, she expected it. It’s becoming far too common for her to expect everyone to drop their responsibilities to help her. If she is refuseing a carer what else can we do? If her sons don’t want to be carers surely that’s their choice and they shouldn’t be guilt into it? Has anyone got experience of this and could share their resolution please?

(sorry it’s such a long post I needed to vent as it’s getting on top of all of us)

I will help the parent who has helped me without question.
The one who never checks in, never visits and is never interested wont be getting my help.

No. I do not want my children to. I have said that they MUST put me in a care home when the time comes.
They ALL had a tough start in life and I will not have them impacted by anything other than their own immediate families.

Absolutely not. We save all our life to buy in help and care as needed and leave our busy adult DC with jobs, lives and families of their own free of the indefinite burden. Anyone know whose taken this on has ended up on antidepressants.
Not a life I’d want for my children.
The wants and needs of someone at the end of their life don’t trump those of someone in the prime of theirs.

No way would I or my siblings be doing that. My mum didn’t do it either, but at least she didn’t work. We all work full time, so nope, not happening. Not that she expected us to anyway. Your MIL is taking the piss and your DH needs to say no. Or keep doing it which she will presumably be quite happy with, even if he gets ill with the stress/tiredness, etc.

This woman is being incredibly calculating and manipulative.
Her kids need to support one another and agree between them that it’s ok to take a step back and agree between themselves that if she needs more help than her family can offer she should self refer to SS or pay.

No, I don't think it should be assumed. I will certainly help out if either of my parents has difficulties, but they would absolutely not want me to, for example, give up work to care for them, and I wouldn't expect it from my kids to do anything similar for me either.

My parents were independent and took care of themselves until they were each diagnosed with cancers. My siblings & I then helped as best we could . It was hard with full time work, and in my sister’s case, young children, but it was not for long, sadly.

My MIL depended very heavily on DH , and played similar manipulative games.

DH & I don’t have any dc, so we will have to make other arrangements , and are working out what that may look like.

At this point, early 60s, it looks like keeping ourselves healthy, embracing technology and organising home and finances for our dotage, should we be lucky enough to live that long.

Long winded reply to say, it’s lovely if families can and want to help, but most have enough on their plates with their own lives.

No definitely not, I did for my mum, would I do it again absolutely not.

If the adult children (and their parents) are happy (and able) to take on a caring role, then why not? But I don’t think that ALL adult children should HAVE to care for their parents (and I say that coming from a culture where it’s a given that families do the care for their elders).

When my grandparents were in their last illnesses, all the family stepped up to help look after them. But…big family, a lot of us are doctors and nurses, and there were plenty of us to share the load and rotate. Plus we all chipped in and paid for private carers when we were unable to be off work. My lovely parents were independent up until their last (short) illnesses (which they were both in hospital for). I assisted in their nursing care whilst they were in hospital and with last offices when they died. My DPs and GPs didn’t pull the tricks that your MIL is doing, nor did they expect us to have work/family life suffer because of their care needs. My ex PILs did pull stunts like that, but different story, and whilst I helped when I could, I didn’t run myself ragged!

Absolutely not. We can’t (and wouldn’t really be cut out to) offer care to our own parents as we still need to work (as well as take care of our children) for another 15-20 years. We can support with admin and things like that, but day to day care is totally out.

It’s my worst nightmare that my children have to care for me. I’d rather be dead.

No. My mother is sneeky like this, and only lives 5 minutes from me. I've told her I'm not her carer (she does have 2) and apart from making her a coffee I won't be doing anything for her. I only go twice a week too.

I pray I never turn so infirm and useless to need my adult children to manage my life. Especially personal care. It makes me shudder to think about it. I’d rather kill my self if I had the capacity. My mum would never expect me to look after her.

In my culture yes, absolutely. They brought you to this world cared for you loved you (normal general circumstances not cases with issues) and this happens naturally not out of obligation.

If I had to be my mums carer I’d do it in heartbeat, she’s took care of us, even now, my dc included. Never complained, just got on with it.
i helped care for my grandad before he died. He had dementia and heart disease.

No.

Adults need to earn a living and raise the younger generation. Third full time job not possible.

So many old people now are in such a startling state of non function requiring intensive caring 24/7 that only the trained can, or should, do it.

Eldercare can last 20 years. Medicine now keeps your body alive but it doesn’t keep it working - ditto your mind. Two decades of responsibility for a desperately sick, incontinent, falling, aggressive and distressed lunatic is. A lot.

Realistically, there’s so much to do for the old that you need:

carers to do the daily stuff

and

a care rota manager

financial manager inc benefits and selling house for care

house maintenance manager

health manager (8 or 9 chronic diseases is common)

social services manager

emergencies manager.

After all that, you need to be the oldster’s family too.

Just because she wants doesn't mean she gets.
You already stretch yourselves as a family to accommodate her. If she wants more than she can move to assisted living or have carers visit.
Be honest as a family that you are at capacity and cannot take her in or be there for longer.
She clearly has no understanding of the stress you are all already under and she does not appreciate the time and support that you give her. So tell her the truth. If she doesn't listen that's up to her, but from now on I'd say no 'emergency calls', she can phone 999 and then let you know if she's called an ambulance (i.e. if it's real).

No. My parents didn't want me or my siblings to provide direct care even if we'd been in a position to do it. They expressly told us all that even before they needed care. My Mum would have been mortified at the prospect of me helping her with toileting, washing etc, she was far too proud. But she would accept it from a paid carer. I think I'd feel much the same about my children looking after me.
Obviously we didn't just abandon them. My sister who lived nearby dropped several,times a week and did shopping, some food prep etc and the rest of us visited as frequently as possible, mowed the lawn, took them out on trips and so on. But none of us was in the position to provide consistent day to day care - I was working full time and had 3 primary aged children and lived 150 miles away - so they had paid help and then eventually moved into residential care. My Dad really benefited from having company when my Mum died. Even if he'd moved in with one of us he wouldn't have seen anyone for most of the day as we'd have been out at work.

I just dont think its possible in the uk in the same way it would be in other countries such as the middle east and south asia. I am from south asia, and there its a given that parents are taken care of in old age by kids. However society is set up so that happens eg multigenerational living common, having many kids common, women not working the norm. Your MILs behaviour would be seen as normal over there! ( im not saying for a second it should be tho)

I've told my children that I expect them to fly far away and live their own lives. I'll pay someone to look after me, or go into a care home. It would be nice if they phoned occasionally.

I don't believe that there is any moral obligation for adult children to provide care for their elderly parents. I certainly wouldn't expect it of my children.

Your MIL sounds selfish and controlling and just wants her adult children to be at her beck and call to the detriment of their own families and jobs.

Insisting that your DH takes the rest of the week off work to do her washing is absolutely ridiculous. I hope he said no.

You must absolutely refuse to do personal care for your MIL, such as helping her to use the toilet and with showering. It would be totally unreasonable for anyone to expect this of you. This would be a big ask if she was your own mum who had given you loads of love and support throughout your life. This absolutely isn't the case for your MIL who doesn't sound like a very nice person at all. Also, how on earth would this work if she refuses to move nearer to you? Is she expecting you to move closer to her?

I will NOT be a carer to my mum. Thankfully I live 3 hours away and work full time, so always have that excuse.
She does a lot of caring for others and I'm concerned she will expect it of me if the time comes, but I'm not willing to martyr myself like she always has.

Can she go to a day centre for cup of tea and chat.
is she not getting out at all?
Once my DM was in a wheelchair I’d take her ‘shopping’ twice a week in our small town where she met people for short chats. Then she got an electric chair so could do that herself.
Day centres here are often attached to care homes so a step in that direction?

I get the impression that old folk didn’t linger as long as in the old days. Now modern medicine can keep people’s bodies alive but frail, while their cognitive abilities vanish. Some medications are even linked to dementia. We are left with confused frail old people who are heavily reliant on high levels of care for up to a decade or longer. They don’t understand they will fall if they go to the toilet unaided, they don’t remember how to use the stove, they get lost trying to catch the bus and they can’t remember the basket full of medications the doctor prescribed. All the while they are otherwise healthy and get angry when someone suggests they can’t live independently anymore. The government just shrugs but there’s no reason why help and support can’t be more forthcoming. It really is a frustrating scenario for all parties

This!

yes we need to think about “our” care, not leave it to our children when we don’t have capacity to then say what we wanted!!

well said