What happens to the families of those who have committed heinious crimes?

[FaeFae]

Given recent heinious crimes and sentencing, set me thinking. How do about their parents, siblings and grandparents continue their lives?

What happens to them?

I wouldn't disown my child either. But I certainly wouldn't be "rooting for them" or condoning their crimes and that's not what @RuledByHormones said either. You are an adult and should be capable of disagreeing without being nasty to people and putting words in their mouths.

I wonder if you would say these terrible things about Charity Lee, whose son murdered her daughter. She has forgiven him and still visits him, although she is very clear that she wants him to remain behind bars and doesn't think he will ever be safe to re-enter society. She is an incredible woman, so full of strength and enduring love for her daughter. Certainly not someone who could be accused of "condoning hideous crimes". I think your opinions would be challenged if you read about her case or watched the documentary.

Your situation sounds similar to mine (apologies if not). Much loved male family members… years later found out had abused children in the family. It destroys the whole family. Everything you thought you knew is turned on its head. You look back at past events, parties, funerals, birthdays and wonder ‘oh my god is that why they took X off for a walk?’ Etc. you wonder why you didn’t see it and feel guilt that you did nothing about it (even though logically you were a child too and had no idea what was happening or what it meant). In darker times you wonder if the ‘gene’ is in other members of the family or even in you… even though you know it isn’t (in you) you second guess everything.

Two of the three are dead now. We’re NC with the third. Can’t get justice, one died before we knew, second and third the victim doesn’t want to get the police involved.

Thoughts are with you @Saddm

I have also wondered about the parents of the person mentioned by OP😔

If both of my sons were murderers, I would think I had done something terribly wrong.

I think you've misunderstood my post. I meant his family, not the Hunts (who sounded nothing other than lovely, welcoming, and inclusive). But i will re-read the judge's comments. The few bits I saw were incredible - he was so supportive to the victims.

It can completely ruin their lives and they can be ousted by the community, have friends and colleagues turn on them. My poor brother in law has suffered terribly because of his brother. He has needed lot of support and counselling and he is the kindest person I know. My heart breaks for him :(

I’m trying to support a friend through this now, her younger brother is on trial for serious crimes against children. It’s changed their family massively and she questions what she thought she knew. She’s very clear he’s a danger to children whatever the outcome of the trial and won’t be going anywhere near her kids. Currently he has no contact with his family; through his choice. My friend has a different surname and the news was only reported locally so I don’t think it’s the same as some of these more public cases.

I’m far removed from the situation but I did know him growing up and it’s very hard to reconcile the awkward, kind young boy I remember with the man who will likely go to jail for a long time for some horrible crimes.

They know the truth but can't face it.

It must be appalling for the parent of someone who's committed an awful crime. Your instinct would be to care for your child and want to be supportive, but then you'd also be repulsed by what they did and possibly be feeling guilty it could've been your fault somehow. And furious they could do something so dreadful, and to desperately want answers.

I think families probably break apart when some decide to stick by the criminal and others can't bear to, and everyone feels confused and betrayed.

It destroys so many more people's lives beyond the direct victim.

Exactly the height of selfishness, they couldn't give a toss about their families.

If one of my sons was a murderer ( very dependent on circumstances - self-defence etc or a fight gone wrong or lots of things , I would hire the best lawyer I could afford and stand by them every step of the way even if it turned out they threw the first punch in a moment of madness.)
If I then also had a second son who premeditatively and violently killled 3 women, out of nothing but spite , I would throw myself off a very high bridge. ( I would apologise to my other children and husband that I just couldn't live with it and I'm sorry but I'm out of here). Said other children are adults.
The guilt would literally kill me. I would not want to be alive.

Wow, that is strong. What about if you'd raised your children with love and as many financial opportunities you could afford, and it just turned out that two of your sons were psychopaths, whilst your other children were not? What if two of your sons fell into the wrong crowd, regardless of privilege, whilst your other children thrived and became successful and contributors towards society?

They just get on with their lives. I don’t have murderers in the family (I hope…) but do have violent criminals. I just ignore them and get on with my life.

I would not disown them, but I would not defend them unless I genuinely believed there had been a gross miscarriage of justice. I would try to love them still, and support them through the process of acknowledging guilt, offering repentance, working to become a better person, whether or not they can ever be released.

I’m sure there are some exceptions, where horrible people come from perfectly nice families (just as some people manage to turn out well despite their dysfunctional families), but personally I’ve found that every really nasty piece of work I’ve met comes from an equally fucked-up family.

The niece of PiL’s friends is awaiting trial for the murder of a baby in her care.
It’s affected the whole family, even aunts and uncles because they have the same surname. It’s been really tough for them knowing people are whispering about them behind their hands, even though they have absolutely nothing to do with what happened.

Or maybe she wants to try to keep him from doing it again or doing something even worse. Maybe she thinks if he lives with her she can stop him?

I'd feel such a desperate feeling of guilt and horror. I think I'd feel it was my responsibility to keep watch, somehow (probably naive).

I wouldn't be able to have grandchildren visiting me at home though.

No two is two too many. Could not cope. Would leave everything to surviving children and be gone. I have had a lot of shit in my life so that may affect my opinion. It would be last straw type thing ( not that any of my children have ever hurt another human being nothing like that) just got to a point where I've had enough of the constant drama in my life. Number 1 I would suffer through just. If it happened again , particularly in the Clifford circumstances then I would see no point in my existence. I would have fucked up so badly that my other children would be better off without me, Bear in mind this is very hypothetical as I have very kind, non-aggressive children, one has been to court for a minor drugs charge and I stood by him no problem , suspended sentence . Wouldn't have even been illegal in another state. So not that I am not a mumma bear but I would draw the line at Clifford. I know that my children ( who are grown) are massive contributors to society with more friends than I've had in my life. Not an issue.

Well explained @BobbyBiscuits This. All of it.

They can never truly move on.
When I was teaching in a college one of my students was the grown up nephew of a very very well known and notorious serial killer.
He told me him and his family had had to move a few times as once discovered they were hounded out of their home etc even though they were horrified and disgusted by what he had done.
Shame as he was a clever lad.

If my relative had tortured and murdered three women and raping one in the process with this all being premeditated three days then yes, I would disown them.

I would probably change my name and move to a new area too.

People who have little intelligence can't seem to grasp just because you may technically be related to someone doesn't mean you had anything to do with ot or condone what has happened, but there are vigilantes who all share they same daily mail reading brain cell that make families have to have a new name, identity and need to move

Oh sorry if I did. The bit I was talking about was the following, from John hunt’s statement:

But then I realised that this was my final opportunity to say what I want to say to you specifically Kyle, words that will also be directed to your family who will carry guilt forward for the rest of their lives; I know you valued them so poorly from all the conversations we had Kyle but I suppose even they must be damaged by what you have done

Its the only reference to KC’s family that I’ve heard (apart from the murderer brother).

Yes - that shocked me too. We don't know the details but if I were their parents I'd be doing some soul-searching. I mean - there's being a petty criminal and then there's this kind of thing. I can imagine children going off the rails in any kind of family, but the crimes these young men committed suggests a level of psychological dysfunction or parenting issues, or both.

So would I. His actions are beyond what can be forgiven. I hate the idea that everything is forgivable and that people should always forgive.

He'd spent Christmas with them, fgs!