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Original poster

What would you do? Buy house next to parents!

127 replies

Worzelgummage · 02/03/2025 09:01

I currently live in a house where the location is ideal, but I hate the house. I have spent a lot of money making improvements, but I still hate the house. It’s a money pit and it will always need money spent on it. I resent the fact that any spare cash gets spent on the house and I still am not content living in this house. However, The garden and outside space is amazing. The location is perfect, ticks all my boxes. The garden is very sheltered and in the summer it’s a sun trap.

My aging parents (in their 80’s and not in great health) live 10 miles from me, I visit a minimum of twice a week, Lately, I have been visiting more as there has been health issues.
I am an only child so every thing falls on me, which I am fine about.
My parents live in a rural location by the sea so it’s very windy and exposed.
My father has made it clear, that he will never leave this house unless he is in a coffin .

The house next to my parents is about to come up for sale . When is say next door, There is a field between the houses. The elderly man that owns it, is going into a care home. He has been my parents neighbour for 40 years and they have always got on well. My parents will miss him as a neighbour and are concerned about who could potentially move in.

I am thinking about buying his house…

To do so, I would need to sell my house first of all and the gentleman is willing to give me time to get organised so I am getting first refusal.
His house is a small cottage which if I was to buy, I would be mortgage free. I would also have funds from my house sale to put on an extension and completely modernise the existing cottage to meet my needs

The advantages…..
mortgage free, hopefully nice living space, everything new so no financial upkeep for the next 10 years or so. Not driving back and forward to parents.

Disadvantages….
Living next door to parents,
my mum is always on neighbour hood watch. I am not sure if this would annoy me.
The biggest disadvantage for me is the weather, the wind, the driving rain, and even on a sunny day, it’s still very windy. It’s a completely different climate to my house which is 10 miles inland.
I also believe that me being in close proximity, my parents will come more reliable on me.

Advantages for my parents, there are so many. Me moving closer to them will definitely enhance their remaining years. My parents want me to move.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Worzelgummage · 02/03/2025 10:34

Imgoingtobefree · 02/03/2025 10:29

I wonder if your desire to move has been sidetracked by the sudden availability of this property. You mention the location is ideal twice in your opening paragraph. A good sunny garden also seems important to you.

I think you should first start looking for another property that ticks all your boxes. Accept you don’t want to stay in your current house. When you find the right property you should be excited to move rather than should I/shouldn’t I?

Location and a good sunny and sheltered garden should be top of your list. If you are to be truly happy, then the wishes of your parents should not be the deciding factor - unless they coincide with your wishes too.

10 miles is not too far to travel - if you end up staying in near your current location.

If I was to see this property online , and not have any knowledge of the wind , I would probably be interested.
The wind is what puts me off, it can be horrendous, and when we are getting more storms then I can only see it getting windier.

OP posts:
Cattreesea · 02/03/2025 10:35

I wouldn't.

Sounds like your parents would be constantly monitoring you and you would be a 24/7 unpaid carer for two people for the foreseeable future.

Ellie1015 · 02/03/2025 10:37

Sounds like a good opportunity. As you aren't happy in current house and this makes moving more possible than it is otherwise I would go for it.

If you dont settle and feel at home once the work is done then you are no worse off and can make a plan at that point.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dementia & alzheimer's
BettyBardMacDonald · 02/03/2025 10:39

My mum lived about 12 miles from me when she was older and later dying. It doesn't sound like much but I think you will be amazed at how the newfound proximity will alleviate stress, and wear & tear, on you.

Please keep us posted on this project; I for one am envious and interested!

CorrectionCentre · 02/03/2025 10:39

You've had lots of sound, practical advice, so I'll just give you my gut reaction.

I'd go for the cottage. You are not leaving your dream home and you can be mortgage free. Being next door to your parents , with boundaries in place, means making support much more flexible for you. I know it's only 15 minutes drive away, but any car journey is an irritation.

You have adult dc locally so it could ease things for them too. One location, two generations. Keeps family connections simpler.

As your parents age, they will need increasing support. Like you, I never saw it as skivvying, I saw it as help. And being on the spot means if they're waiting on a visit e.g. GP, carers or trades people, you can stay home and pop over immediately once they've arrived. Etc.

Your parents won't be there forever, and it sounds like you have a good relationship. I'd maximise that. Then when they are no longer there, you will have total flexibility to live where you like.

Good luck with your decision.

nzeire · 02/03/2025 10:40

Omg, it sounds AMAZING!!!!

a project! You can build whatever you want! And a field! Luckeeeezzzzz!!!

and how wonderful to be near your folks, set the boundaries early and firmly and you’ll be grand!

learn to embrace the new climate, sounds invigorating, I love the sea!

BaronessBomburst · 02/03/2025 10:41

Can you plant anything to act as a windbreak, at least to minimise the effect in the back garden?
Even build a small dyke! You'll need a sheltered spot big enough to sit in so you can still enjoy the sun.

BettyBardMacDonald · 02/03/2025 10:41

Does the cottage have a fireplace or woodstove? Having one to curl up near might mitigate the wind issue a bit. Cosy cottage by the sea.

godmum56 · 02/03/2025 10:42

If your parent didn't exist would you still like the house and location and want to buy it?

Original poster
Worzelgummage · 02/03/2025 10:44

BettyBardMacDonald · 02/03/2025 10:41

Does the cottage have a fireplace or woodstove? Having one to curl up near might mitigate the wind issue a bit. Cosy cottage by the sea.

Yes it has wood burning stove, which is needed due to frequent power cuts due to the wind blowing powerlines down!

OP posts:
CreationNat1on · 02/03/2025 10:45

Do you want a sex life? Will proximity to bored patents hamper this?

If you pour money into the new house, will you want to rent it out once parents pass?

Realistically how long do you think parents have? Will either of them need nursing home care, is there a local nursing home that is convenient?

What's your expectation after that? Are your children close by and do they have any thoughts on it?

Original poster
Worzelgummage · 02/03/2025 10:45

godmum56 · 02/03/2025 10:42

If your parent didn't exist would you still like the house and location and want to buy it?

If I had no prior knowledge about the force of the wind, I would be interested in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worzelgummage · 02/03/2025 10:49

CreationNat1on · 02/03/2025 10:45

Do you want a sex life? Will proximity to bored patents hamper this?

If you pour money into the new house, will you want to rent it out once parents pass?

Realistically how long do you think parents have? Will either of them need nursing home care, is there a local nursing home that is convenient?

What's your expectation after that? Are your children close by and do they have any thoughts on it?

SEX, It’s been so long you would need a tin opener to gain entry!

I would possibly rent out parents house.

As for how long to my parents have, their attitude is “every day is a bonus”

One child is encouraging the other isn’t too fussed!

OP posts:
LoserWinner · 02/03/2025 10:51

Worzelgummage · 02/03/2025 10:45

If I had no prior knowledge about the force of the wind, I would be interested in it.

Show quote history

Which coast is it on? The west coast will always be windy, but even there, it can be glorious in summer. The east and south coasts are much more variable, and the south coast is often a bit warmer than the rest of the country.

Nothatgingerpirate · 02/03/2025 10:56

Worzelgummage · 02/03/2025 10:14

I help them quite a bit already, I don’t see it as skivvying at the moment. I just want to make there final years a bit easier.

If I go ahead, I will put down rules and boundaries and hopefully we can be respectful to one another’s privacy and space.

Show quote history

Oh, decision made.
Good luck!

Celeryedition · 02/03/2025 11:04

Hi @Worzelgummage

We were in a similar situation several years ago. DH is an only child and we had only just got married, things had happened quickly and we hadn’t been with each other long. We had no deposit to buy and weren’t in any hurry either. Anyway, DMIL called over one day and randomly offered to sign over her house for us to use as a deposit and suggested we buy the house two doors down from hers because it had just come on the market. We were quite shocked because it was so out of character for her, she was such a private woman and at the time she was very independent. We went ahead with it and ended up with the lovely home we have now.

Within 12-18 months of moving in DMIL began to develop dementia and some low level care which we were able to give far easier. She’d started losing confidence and needed support with some day to day things. As time went on it became more and more but being close made it easier to know she was safe. She’d flash her living room light at exactly 10:30 every night before she went to bed so we knew she was ok. We called after work and there were no stomach churning middle of the night drives to check on her. We could easily watch her live and she still retained her independence. She passed away a few years later from a stroke, before the dementia really took hold. Being close to her in her last few years was a joy we wouldn’t otherwise have had.

I know that all experiences differ but ours was the right thing for us.

I have no advice in terms of the weather apart from maybe getting a really good cagoule!

MoosakaWithFries · 02/03/2025 11:05

This sounds like a perfect opportunity OP.

From what you say about your current house something needs to happen. You either need to spend a whole lot of money on it or move anyway.

Moving forward it will be about boundaries but also spending time with your parents in the final chapter of their lives.

Plus you can have goats. That would be enough of an incentive to move for me!

LoopyLoopyLoo · 02/03/2025 11:07

I'd move. Those journeys back and forth to your parents are only going to increase as they get older. 15 mins drivebisn30 minutes each trip before you even factor in how long you spend there etc. If they decline significantly it may be 2 trips a day.

Also, you get to make this home exactly what you want. You make all the choices on any extension more improvements.

CatsWhiskerz · 02/03/2025 11:12

It's quite clear you want to move. It sounds like a great investment except you're clearly not ok with the weather/localised issues with the sea proximity.
Are there alternative houses close by with investment opportunities?

Zanzara · 02/03/2025 11:21

Nothatgingerpirate · 02/03/2025 10:09

NO.
Don't do it, you will end up skivvying for your parents with nowhere else to go.
I'm an only child as well, at 24, I moved to another country to avoid exactly this.
Never regretted a single step.

But you've married a man several decades older, I seem to remember from a previous post?

Dogaredabomb · 02/03/2025 11:27

The field sounds like bliss.

Feelingstrange2 · 02/03/2025 11:37

In our family my SIL lives next door to my Inlaws. It will allow them to stay in their own home far longer than if she didn't.

Whereas my DF has moved to live with us as we are 100 miles away from his and he needs regular personal care and has dementia. I'm self employed and WFH, so can be a carer too.

I understand your potential predicament and nothing is perfect - there is always compromise - and you cannot second guess what will happen.

Given everything, a move sounds sensible. Exciting even. With some compromises but, as I said before, there are always some of those.

Original poster
Worzelgummage · 02/03/2025 11:37

CatsWhiskerz · 02/03/2025 11:12

It's quite clear you want to move. It sounds like a great investment except you're clearly not ok with the weather/localised issues with the sea proximity.
Are there alternative houses close by with investment opportunities?

No other houses near by as they all get snapped up and made into air B & B

Fo example 12 houses share same post code 8 of them are AB&B

OP posts:
FatFilledTrottyPuss · 02/03/2025 11:39

I live just under a mile from my elderly parents in an extremely windy location. The views and sunsets more than make up for the winds and parents and I love being so close to each other. If you have a good relationship with them, go for it!

Feelingstrange2 · 02/03/2025 11:40

Also, my DFs house is prime for a holiday let, but we will.probably sell instead as we aren't local. If we were, as you will be, in the future one house could be a holiday let and you'll be on site to deal with bits and pieces (even if you pay an agent for the bookings and/or cleaning)