Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

trying to evict adult stepchild

806 replies

DionneEz · 01/03/2025 22:33

This is my dilemma. The property is a marital home with my husband from whom I am now separated.

Before the separation, his adult son (21) was living with us. My husband has now left the property but insists that his adult son remain with me. This has been nearly 2 years.

At first I was accommodating, as my husband still pays half the mortgage, I pay all of the bills.

The stepson living here was not an issue at first, but now I can no longer cope as he basically stays indoors on his phone all day. The only time he comes out of his room is to collect his Ubereats.

I asked him about getting a job and contributing something financially towards the bills and I was given a story about how he was freelancing from home...and that his pay was intermittent.
However, I see the receipts for his Ubereats orders and they amount to about £20 daily, which is about £500 a month. When he does leave the house, he takes a £7 cab to the station when he can get the bus, which costs £2 or even walk as it is only 10 mins away...so clearly he has funds to splurge but he doesn't feel he has to contribute to the running of the house since his father owns half.

So the scenario is that I have a nearly 22-year-old man 24/7 in my house who refuses to lift a finger to do anything in terms of chores and doesn't contribute financially. I recently had to stop him using my toothpaste and bath soap because I was like you can buy your own surely.
I do go into the office 3 times a week and have errands and stuff to run on weekends but will come back to clean my house as this guy does absolutely nothing. When I was on hols for 3 weeks, he didn't even take the bins out. Yet his father insists that as he owns the house as well., he has every right to dictate who lives there. Is this true?

Anyway, I have given stepson notice even though he is not a tenant. The notice has now passed but he is still here and has no intention of leaving. I know the next step is to change the locks when he leaves which is rare but can his father come and let him in again and will I be breaking any laws if I lock the father out as well? Father doesn't live there and does not pay any bills..just half the mortgage but as the resident homeowner shouldn't my rights surpass his?

OP posts:
CandidHedgehog · 06/03/2025 08:16

Redjoy · 06/03/2025 08:13

I am saying, the OP needs to be safe first. let the abusive ex enforce the law, if he doesn’t like what she is doing. You are ignoring the abuse both these men are perpetrating . What legal qualifications do you have ?

I’m not ignoring the abuse, I’m telling the OP to address it legally.

I have no intention of giving personal information on the internet and since you have accepted the law exists (you can’t ‘enforce’ a law that doesn’t), I don’t see the relevance since you have conceded that legally the OP can’t do this.

CandidHedgehog · 06/03/2025 08:22

Elektra1 · 06/03/2025 08:15

@CandidHedgehog I agree. Had missed the fact that they're married. In fact that makes the OP in a worse position and she's wrong to hold onto the believe that she "owns" 60% because of the tenants in common ownership. All of their joint assets are joint marital assets for division on the basis of need in the divorce. The ex may be entitled to 50% (starting assumption), or more. She needs a lawyer and to get on with having a mediation or applying for a financial order

The OP seems to have a number of incorrect legal beliefs even if you disregard the ‘can she throw out her SS who is living there with one owner’s permission’ question.

She thinks her ex has to pay half the mortgage no matter what, she thinks the progress of the divorce is completely in his hands and I strongly suspect she (as you say) thinks the legal ownership of 60% of the house means something in a long marriage.

It’s why she’s been advised to get legal advice multiple times over the course of this thread.

Redjoy · 06/03/2025 08:24

No I have not. I have said that the ex should enforce the law, if that’s what he wants to do. Seems like you are another bar room lawyer putting women at risk

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

CandidHedgehog · 06/03/2025 08:51

She’s not ‘at risk’ at the moment, she’s been living with the SS for years without violence. If she takes some of the advice on this thread (including yours), I fully accept this may change (only ‘may’ as we don’t know whether the SS will become violent or not - not a risk I’d want to advise someone to take).

If she gets the occupation order / finalises the divorce and gets the SS out legally, she is far less at risk than if she follows the recommendations to cut off electricity / change the locks etc if the ex and SS take it badly. You are the one suggesting she take actions that put her at risk. You have again mentioned the ex ‘enforcing’ the law so I take it you are still accepting the OP’s actions won’t be legal if she follows your advice?

Do you have any real world experience with DV and safely exiting violent relationships? It’s genuinely not coming across as if you do….

Mum2EmLuJa · 06/03/2025 08:54

CandidHedgehog · 05/03/2025 22:36

And several other people have posted that the so-called ‘retired solicitor’ is wrong and that their divorce lawyers have told them the opposite. Bearing in mind the ‘retired solicitor’ actually said the relevant law was the ‘Ways and Means Act’ (this isn’t actual legislation, it’s saying no law supports what I’m claiming but hey, you’ll probably get away with it so give it a go), it’s not advice I’d want to follow. That’s why the OP needs actual legal advice from a current solicitor who understands the law as it stands today before she does anything.

I’d be delighted if someone can point to either legislation or case law that allows the OP to remove her SS without a court order but despite me asking several times, in 27 pages no one has posted any.

Edited to say: Also, ‘ways and means’ is police slang for doing something an officer doesn’t have the power to do or using a legal power improperly. It’s used at worst when someone can’t legally do something but thinks with a bit of lying / bending the law, they can get away with it and at best to mean trickery. So I wouldn’t assume the ‘retired solicitor’ is saying it’s legal to just sling out the SS, she might just mean that she thinks the OP could get away with it! It’s an odd phrase to use otherwise.

www.reddit.com/r/policeuk/comments/edq2r3/what_does_ways_and_means_mean/

Edited

From quick search on google:

  • Consent is key:
  • While you can allow someone to live with you, it's crucial to discuss this with the other owner first and get their consent, especially if the person is planning to stay long-term.
  • Potential issues:
  • If one joint owner allows someone to live in the property without the other's agreement, it could lead to conflict and potential legal action.

she hasn’t given her consent, if I were her I would throw him out. Or at the very least not allow him to use a single appliance in the house, get a lock on fridge, oven, cut electric supply and any heating off when she isn’t in and give him the 25% council tax bill to pay

CandidHedgehog · 06/03/2025 09:03

Mum2EmLuJa · 06/03/2025 08:54

From quick search on google:

  • Consent is key:
  • While you can allow someone to live with you, it's crucial to discuss this with the other owner first and get their consent, especially if the person is planning to stay long-term.
  • Potential issues:
  • If one joint owner allows someone to live in the property without the other's agreement, it could lead to conflict and potential legal action.

she hasn’t given her consent, if I were her I would throw him out. Or at the very least not allow him to use a single appliance in the house, get a lock on fridge, oven, cut electric supply and any heating off when she isn’t in and give him the 25% council tax bill to pay

I’d read both of those comments as saying she can’t just throw him out since it specifically says letting someone move in without consent could lead to ‘conflict and legal action’.

In my view, that suggests one person can allow it but this may lead to the second person taking legal action to get the non-owner out. Which is what has been recommended from the start.

If you post the link, the wider context of wherever you got this from may say something different, of course.

Edited to say: And the OP has let the SS stay for years. She says at first she was ‘accommodating’ which means she did give consent (and the ex paid the mortgage when he didn’t have to in response). She now wants to withdraw that consent. The issue is whether she can do that without legal proceedings if the other owner of the property wants the SS to stay.

Redjoy · 06/03/2025 11:48

No . Of course I haven’t. Busted.

Willyoujustbequiet · 06/03/2025 18:28

CandidHedgehog · 06/03/2025 08:03

I didn’t insinuate anything.

I specifically said you don’t know what you are talking about.

You say yourself ‘trembling before a law that will not be upheld’. Are you now admitting the law exists, then?

I absolutely agree the OP needs to get the SS out. There are clear legal means of doing this that the OP needs to follow. I am boggled that a solicitor chooses to tell someone to not follow the law.

I second this. They clearly don't know what they are talking about and lost any credibility quoting Ways and Means.

Fraaances · 08/03/2025 00:57

I feel like the XDH foisting his DS on OP like this is an act of domestic violence in itself. At best it’s control. OP is never going to be in a position to move on from him and every little sign of liberation will be reported. This dick is squatting in her home. The longer he stays there, the more chance he has of claiming rights. She needs him gone.

CandidHedgehog · 08/03/2025 07:32

Fraaances · 08/03/2025 00:57

I feel like the XDH foisting his DS on OP like this is an act of domestic violence in itself. At best it’s control. OP is never going to be in a position to move on from him and every little sign of liberation will be reported. This dick is squatting in her home. The longer he stays there, the more chance he has of claiming rights. She needs him gone.

Legally this isn’t squatting, an owner of the property has given him permission to live there. However, I agree she absolutely needs him gone and there are at least two completely legal ways to get him out:

  1. Finalising the divorce with a financial order. If she no longer co-owns property with her ex, he has no right to say who lives there.
  2. An occupation order

The SS lived with the OP and her husband in a different property from age 9 to 16 then lived in this property from 2022 (so 18?) to now.

He isn’t any more likely to be able to ‘claim rights’ if he stays any longer than he already has (and he doesn’t have any rights in himself and wouldn’t if he was there for decades).

The problem is his father does have rights and it’s his father’s rights (namely owning part of the house and therefore being able to give permission for people to stay there) that mean the OP can’t just throw him out without the permission of the court.

Add to that the OP says she originally gave consent as well, plus the ex has been paying half the mortgage every month (when non-occupying spouses usually are not expected to do so) and it’s not at all straightforward.

Goodtogossip · 11/03/2025 14:41

TELL your Ex that he's to start contributing towards the bills while his Son is staying with you. Why are you expected to be paying everything for HIS Son without either of them contributing to his living costs? Why does he not have his Son stay with him? Speak with a Solicitor & see where you stand about evicting the Son if you want him to leave.

DionneEz · 20/04/2025 12:28

An update. A lot has happened since my last post.

As mentioned, I gave notice till the end of the month and that lapsed and he still hadn't made any plans to move. I later changed the wifi password.

A few days later someone from Openreach came and tried to install a new broadband point in my property. I objected and sent him away. Stepson became angry telling me that I must pay for the contract that he had just set up. I reminded him that he hadn't paid for any of the hot water , electricity he was using. He then called his Dad, who proceeded to issue more verbal insults my way. I also reminded stepson that he had been given notice and that I have withdrawn my consent for him to stay. He jeered and said "but then why am I still here? You can't do nothing! Daddy owns half the house and he has given me permission to be here"

Several days went by and I avoided being in the house as much as possible because of the ever present adult stepson. I made sure I was in the office till long hours, saturdays, at the gym, running errands or with friends and then Sundays going to visit my ill relative 30 miles away all just not to be in my own home with this person.

One particular day I came home late from the office, cleaned up and when was in bed by 10pm. At 1.15am, the ring door bell went and I woke up with a jolt. I checked the camera I saw it was an ubereats delivery. Without thinking I poked my head outside my bedroom door and called down asking why my doorbell was being rung at that time. (this has happened before and I had told him that if he must order food at that time, he needed to be at the door waiting for it).

On this occasion, he shouted back aggressively with "don't scream at me, I am getting food!"
I responded, "At 1am in the morning?"
he then started screaming uncontrollably. "DON'T SCREAM AT ME BECAUSE I'll LOSE MY MIND!" he then went into the kitchen and slammed the door.

I actually thought something was wrong so I put on my nightrobe to go and see. He started screaming (like picture a very angry many screaming at the top of his voice) at me to go back upstairs and that he didn't want to talk to me. He then picked up a kitchen stool and made towards me, I could see as the kitchen door has clear class panes. In a panic I called his father. father was angry with me for waking him up and said I had no respect. As it was clear that the father was not going to do anything I called 101 because I was very scared and had no other support. Police attended but they said they couldn't arrest him for the threat as it was made behind a closed door.

I have a camera in the kitchen as well so after the police left, I reviewed it. When he closed the door after screaming stepson clearly said on camera "Stupid woman! If you come near me, I"ll f*king smoke you! I swear! If you come near me, I"ll f** cking smoke you!" I was terrified as this was a clear death threat in my own home!!!

I didn't leave my room the next day out of fear and hardly ate anything.

Stepson did evenutally leave the house voluntarily a couple of days after , and I secured the door so he couldn't get back in. He came back and tried to force it open and then called his Dad who threatened to come down. Dad was screaming that I had no rights to lock the door against his son. I realised I would be alone with two very angry men and so in fear I opened the door again and let the son in.

The next day I filed a non-molestation order with exclusion with the family courts. They refused to take it at first because stepson is not a co-owner etc and said I should apply for a Protection of Harassment Order which would cost more and take time. Eventually the judge said I could apply for a NMO with exclusion order. He granted the NMO but he said we would need a hearing to decide on the exclusion part.

The stepson has been served. Since then he had attempted to have another wifi installation done without my consent.

The father is angry with me for getting the NMO. Father is also lying and saying that I have been bullying his son and that on the night his son made those threats, I had told the ubereats guy to go away and that was the reason why the son was so angry. I have the ring doorbell footage, a camera in the hallway and one in the kitchen to show that this was not true.

So we go to court to decide on the exclusion bit in a week's time. Very scary. If the judge doesn't think there is a case for exclusion then I fear that the abuse and harassment in my own home will get worst and very dangerous for me in my own home.

Husband only pays half the mortgage. He chose not to live here after being on bail for domestic violence. The son has been here for 2.5 years and pays nothing. I pay my half of the mortgage plus all bills and maintenance. I am happy to pay the full thing should anyone come in here talking about how I should be lucky he pays half because he doesn't have too. This is what he has said many times...The whole thing is really exhausting.

I have sought legal advise and the Solicitor said that stepson has no beneficial interest in the property. I also have home rights as it is a marital property.

OP posts:
fashionqueen0123 · 20/04/2025 12:57

Good grief! Can you change the locks the next time he goes out?! As he’s had his notice? Why on earth would he want to stay living there!

also can you just sell the house and move on?!

in terms of the court - can too get any legal advice from women’s aid??

Mrsbloggz · 20/04/2025 13:04

I'm struggling to see a solution which doesn't involve the op having a team of goons on her side 😬😟
(Obviously that could also get ugly 😬😟)

oldmoaner · 20/04/2025 13:23

I know it may be easier said than done but I would definitely want rid of the house and all the ties you have with it, ex husband, his son, etc., I'd have a solicitors letter sent to ex husband saying he can buy you out or the house must be sold and monies split. Even if you had to rent till you found somewhere suitable to buy that's better than the alternative of being unhappy and scared in your own home. Sometimes a clean break is all that will bring you peace.

anterenea · 20/04/2025 13:57

Fingers crossed the step son get his comeuppance next week and you are rid of bad rubbish for good. God men are so useless and dangerous to women as a species you'd cull 90% of them and it wouldn't make a jot of difference to the way the world functions.

Stigsmother · 20/04/2025 14:12

Pm

Mrsbloggz · 20/04/2025 14:18

Why on earth would he want to stay living there!
1 he's enjoying having the power to make the op's life a misery
2 he's demonstrating his loyalty to his father by working on his behalf to make the op's life a misery
3 he's enjoying living for free at the op's expense
4 he appears to have had a disruptive and damaging childhood unlikely has a personality disorder as a result hence his bad behaviour
These are the things that occur to me just off the top of my head 🤷🏻‍♀️

pollymere · 20/04/2025 14:27

Well... Hopefully the camera footage will be enough to secure your safety.

Unfortunately it sounds like your SS has learnt how to treat people from his father.

Sulu17 · 20/04/2025 14:29

Nothing constructive to add but wanted to express my profound sympathy, what a hellish situation.

harriethoyle · 20/04/2025 14:43

Make sure you file the video footage with the court before the hearing. Don’t just turn up with it and hope that that judge will watch it.

Muffinmam · 20/04/2025 14:53

Turn off the internet and electricity.

He won’t be able to game without it.

You’re welcome.

Muffinmam · 20/04/2025 14:56

DionneEz · 20/04/2025 12:28

An update. A lot has happened since my last post.

As mentioned, I gave notice till the end of the month and that lapsed and he still hadn't made any plans to move. I later changed the wifi password.

A few days later someone from Openreach came and tried to install a new broadband point in my property. I objected and sent him away. Stepson became angry telling me that I must pay for the contract that he had just set up. I reminded him that he hadn't paid for any of the hot water , electricity he was using. He then called his Dad, who proceeded to issue more verbal insults my way. I also reminded stepson that he had been given notice and that I have withdrawn my consent for him to stay. He jeered and said "but then why am I still here? You can't do nothing! Daddy owns half the house and he has given me permission to be here"

Several days went by and I avoided being in the house as much as possible because of the ever present adult stepson. I made sure I was in the office till long hours, saturdays, at the gym, running errands or with friends and then Sundays going to visit my ill relative 30 miles away all just not to be in my own home with this person.

One particular day I came home late from the office, cleaned up and when was in bed by 10pm. At 1.15am, the ring door bell went and I woke up with a jolt. I checked the camera I saw it was an ubereats delivery. Without thinking I poked my head outside my bedroom door and called down asking why my doorbell was being rung at that time. (this has happened before and I had told him that if he must order food at that time, he needed to be at the door waiting for it).

On this occasion, he shouted back aggressively with "don't scream at me, I am getting food!"
I responded, "At 1am in the morning?"
he then started screaming uncontrollably. "DON'T SCREAM AT ME BECAUSE I'll LOSE MY MIND!" he then went into the kitchen and slammed the door.

I actually thought something was wrong so I put on my nightrobe to go and see. He started screaming (like picture a very angry many screaming at the top of his voice) at me to go back upstairs and that he didn't want to talk to me. He then picked up a kitchen stool and made towards me, I could see as the kitchen door has clear class panes. In a panic I called his father. father was angry with me for waking him up and said I had no respect. As it was clear that the father was not going to do anything I called 101 because I was very scared and had no other support. Police attended but they said they couldn't arrest him for the threat as it was made behind a closed door.

I have a camera in the kitchen as well so after the police left, I reviewed it. When he closed the door after screaming stepson clearly said on camera "Stupid woman! If you come near me, I"ll f*king smoke you! I swear! If you come near me, I"ll f** cking smoke you!" I was terrified as this was a clear death threat in my own home!!!

I didn't leave my room the next day out of fear and hardly ate anything.

Stepson did evenutally leave the house voluntarily a couple of days after , and I secured the door so he couldn't get back in. He came back and tried to force it open and then called his Dad who threatened to come down. Dad was screaming that I had no rights to lock the door against his son. I realised I would be alone with two very angry men and so in fear I opened the door again and let the son in.

The next day I filed a non-molestation order with exclusion with the family courts. They refused to take it at first because stepson is not a co-owner etc and said I should apply for a Protection of Harassment Order which would cost more and take time. Eventually the judge said I could apply for a NMO with exclusion order. He granted the NMO but he said we would need a hearing to decide on the exclusion part.

The stepson has been served. Since then he had attempted to have another wifi installation done without my consent.

The father is angry with me for getting the NMO. Father is also lying and saying that I have been bullying his son and that on the night his son made those threats, I had told the ubereats guy to go away and that was the reason why the son was so angry. I have the ring doorbell footage, a camera in the hallway and one in the kitchen to show that this was not true.

So we go to court to decide on the exclusion bit in a week's time. Very scary. If the judge doesn't think there is a case for exclusion then I fear that the abuse and harassment in my own home will get worst and very dangerous for me in my own home.

Husband only pays half the mortgage. He chose not to live here after being on bail for domestic violence. The son has been here for 2.5 years and pays nothing. I pay my half of the mortgage plus all bills and maintenance. I am happy to pay the full thing should anyone come in here talking about how I should be lucky he pays half because he doesn't have too. This is what he has said many times...The whole thing is really exhausting.

I have sought legal advise and the Solicitor said that stepson has no beneficial interest in the property. I also have home rights as it is a marital property.

Can you contact police for harassment?

Does your stepson still have access to your house??

extrasushiplease · 20/04/2025 15:20

Good luck OP.

Autumnnow · 20/04/2025 15:22

Honestly I think I'd force matters to come to a head. This is almost certainly not good advice legally speaking. I'd give him 48 hours to move out. When he doesn't leave, I'd put all of his belongings outside and change the locks. He's not a tenant he has no rights. If your husband reacts by not making the mortgage payments then you can make up the shortfall which will benefit you when you eventually sort out the divorce and finances. I'll get slaughtered now by the posters who think you're milking your ex and not nurturing the cuckoo in the nest whose father can't put up with him either.
Good luck.