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Original poster

trying to evict adult stepchild

806 replies

DionneEz · 01/03/2025 22:33

This is my dilemma. The property is a marital home with my husband from whom I am now separated.

Before the separation, his adult son (21) was living with us. My husband has now left the property but insists that his adult son remain with me. This has been nearly 2 years.

At first I was accommodating, as my husband still pays half the mortgage, I pay all of the bills.

The stepson living here was not an issue at first, but now I can no longer cope as he basically stays indoors on his phone all day. The only time he comes out of his room is to collect his Ubereats.

I asked him about getting a job and contributing something financially towards the bills and I was given a story about how he was freelancing from home...and that his pay was intermittent.
However, I see the receipts for his Ubereats orders and they amount to about £20 daily, which is about £500 a month. When he does leave the house, he takes a £7 cab to the station when he can get the bus, which costs £2 or even walk as it is only 10 mins away...so clearly he has funds to splurge but he doesn't feel he has to contribute to the running of the house since his father owns half.

So the scenario is that I have a nearly 22-year-old man 24/7 in my house who refuses to lift a finger to do anything in terms of chores and doesn't contribute financially. I recently had to stop him using my toothpaste and bath soap because I was like you can buy your own surely.
I do go into the office 3 times a week and have errands and stuff to run on weekends but will come back to clean my house as this guy does absolutely nothing. When I was on hols for 3 weeks, he didn't even take the bins out. Yet his father insists that as he owns the house as well., he has every right to dictate who lives there. Is this true?

Anyway, I have given stepson notice even though he is not a tenant. The notice has now passed but he is still here and has no intention of leaving. I know the next step is to change the locks when he leaves which is rare but can his father come and let him in again and will I be breaking any laws if I lock the father out as well? Father doesn't live there and does not pay any bills..just half the mortgage but as the resident homeowner shouldn't my rights surpass his?

OP posts:
AuntAgathaGregson · 02/03/2025 13:55

LookingforMaryPoppins · 02/03/2025 08:52

On what basis?

A mortgage is a loan agreement secured against a property, repaying the debt isn't dependent on living in the property!

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If OP throws out the stepson and his father take it badly, he could either go to court to force a sale of the property, or simply stop paying the mortgage. The result of that will be that, if OP doesn't take over payments, at some point the lenders will repossess and will take everything that is owed to them out of the sale proceeds, paying the rest to OP and ex. OK, ex won't get as much out of the property as he would with an agreed sale, but there wouldn't be any other comeback on him.

SouthernTip · 02/03/2025 13:59

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/03/2025 12:37

I am. Albeit not in family law.

The OP cannot legally change the locks in absence of a court order. You cannot deprive a legal owner of their property.

She has agency. There are legal avenues open to her. She can apply for a financial order with a divorce petition and the court will determine the best outcome taking the needs of both parties into account. She is entirely wrong when she claims she must wait for her ex to progress this matter.

I suspect the OP is perhaps reluctant because she knows either she will possibly struggle to get a new mortgage approval in her own name or that the court will ultimately force a sale and that her 2nd property will be taken into account in any settlement.

The ball is firmly in the OPs court.

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Yes, I think that is the frustration here, @DionneEz is not dealing with this and appears to only want to rock part of the boat.

Put SS out, without her ExH forcing the sale.

Not follow legal advice incase she has to move or her mortgage increases.

AuntAgathaGregson · 02/03/2025 13:59

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 02/03/2025 09:10

The fact that your husband has been charged with violence against you gives you the right to change the locks and if this happens to be when the step son is out then that would be convenient for you. The husband might choose not to pay the mortgage at this point but as long as you can afford to pay it then he can’t get any money from you without going to court and getting a divorce and full financial settlement. It does sound like you husband is still trying to control you - I think it’s difficult to understand how difficult it is to get out of a controlling relationship until you have been in that situation so be kind to yourself but be strong. Best wishes

The fact that your husband has been charged with violence against you gives you the right to change the locks

No, it doesn't. OP would still have to get a court order.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law Relationship problems
Mrsbloggz · 02/03/2025 14:01

OP, your ex has done a number on you, I think you need legal advice.

AuntAgathaGregson · 02/03/2025 14:04

Sockersandbox · 02/03/2025 09:45

The way everyone is gunning for the OP as if they wouldn't be pissed off in this situation is baffling.

No-one is saying they wouldn't be pissed off. The problem is that OP is refusing to use the remedies that are available to her and is insisting on some sort of non-existent human rights argument instead.

Thelittleweasel · 02/03/2025 14:04

@DionneEz

You really do need to take advice from a Solicitor on [at least] two points.

1 The "lodger". You will need to establish your "rights" to evict him

2 Your ownership rights. You say you are tenants in common. As you are married that is unusual and you would ususally be "joint tenants" - in effect toy would each own all the house. If you are tenants in common the proportion for each is set on the Land Registry deeds...

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2025 14:09

cannynotsay · 02/03/2025 03:21

Why is everyone ok with the a 22 year old grown man sponging off this women.

If it was a like that moved in with someone you'd all be calling him a cock lodger. She's every right to want him out! Looking forward to an update OP and hope it goes in your way! Wonder if the ex and the gf would put up with this! X

Of course!

But she has to do it legally and she really isn't listening

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/03/2025 14:10

DionneEz · 01/03/2025 23:56

He doesn't live here. I understand if he did but he doesn't.

Show quote history

It doesn't matter. He's the legal owner and has given his consent for his son to continue living there.

You've been told this. I'm struggling to understand what you are finding difficult about it.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/03/2025 14:13

pikkumyy77 · 02/03/2025 13:25

I don’t know why people keep complaining that the OP somehow invidiously expects her H to keep paying his half of the mortgage. That’s his commitment regardless of where he is living. If he moved abroad for work he would still be obliged to pay his mortgage. The mortgage is not contingent on his maintaining amicable relations with OP. Its what he pays to keep clear lines of ownership to his half of the house.

OP’s question is straightforward: how can she get her adult step son out of the house? I fail to see why this is legally impossible. He has no right to live there. Kick him out and let his absent father strive to get him back in. Possession is nine tenths of the law.

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Of course it's legally possible.

The OP simply has to apply to court to get their divorce settlement sorted.

AuntAgathaGregson · 02/03/2025 14:13

DionneEz · 02/03/2025 10:42

Thank you!

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Why the "Thank you!"? Essentially the poster has said the same as others, except she is optimistic that your ex wouldn't just let his son back in. How sure are you that that optimism is justified?

SunshineAndFizz · 02/03/2025 14:14

Change your internet password and don't give him the code.

Remove the fuse from the plugs of his devices.

Blast classical music all hours.

Put locks on the fridge.

Turn off the stop clock when he wants a shower.

AuntAgathaGregson · 02/03/2025 14:16

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/03/2025 10:52

That's simply not true.

The Family Procedure Rules state he cannot file a 2nd petition but you as the respondent are perfectly able to.

Petition and get on with it.

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According to Google, you can just apply for the decree nisi yourself, you just have to allow an extra three months after the date when he was entitled to apply.

AuntAgathaGregson · 02/03/2025 14:21

Lolapusht · 02/03/2025 11:32

OP, I feel for you. This is a complicated and horrendous situation to be in. There’s a huge cross over with what is legal and what is natural justice. Should your ex be able to dictate who lives with you? No. Can he legally? Possibly.

If your ex has started proceedings, depending on what stage in the process things are at, you may be able to move things along so it may be worthwhile looking into “ex dragging out court proceedings”.

As he’s abusive, use that to your advantage when it comes to dealing with him. They usually work to a script so you should be able to predict what he’ll do.

As some posters seem to think your ex can charge you rent, te flip side to that is he should be liable for 40% of the costs of his “invited guest”. I’d imagine if OP was to get profit from owning the house in the form of rent that he’d be entitled to half (or 40%) of the profit. If you accept that premise then the flip side is he’s liable for 40% of the costs of what he is insisting happens with his share of the property.

I suggest you work out how much it’s cost to have your SS stay then deduct that from your ex’s share of the marital property. As a pp suggested, check what property is considered to be matrimonial as that may help leverage him.

OP would have to factor into that calculation the 50% share of the mortgage that her ex is paying, which must come to more than rental for one room would.

AuntAgathaGregson · 02/03/2025 14:23

femfemlicious · 02/03/2025 12:12

You are wrong. Are you a legal professional?. The only thing he can do is to stop paying the mortgage which she is fine with

Show quote history

And he can demand a key and let his son back in.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/03/2025 14:24

AuntAgathaGregson · 02/03/2025 14:16

According to Google, you can just apply for the decree nisi yourself, you just have to allow an extra three months after the date when he was entitled to apply.

Show quote history

A financial order is actually separate from a divorce. It's unwise to do one and not the other as it leaves people open to future claims. They are generally dealt with concurrently but I can't see that the OP has mentioned it.

LakieLady · 02/03/2025 14:27

My right to a peaceful home life is a human right. My husband forcing his adult child to live with me is a breach of this.

While that might be true in the general meaning of "right", it's not a right that is a breach of the HRA. You really need to see a solicitor to establish exactly what remedies are available to you. I feel for you, it's a particularly unpleasant thing to do to someone.

It strikes me that this arrangement is almost like a form of abuse or harassment by proxy. I'd be surprised if there wasn't some sort of legal remedy, but it may well be expensive and probably not quick either. And while you're there, see what can be done about expediting the divorce and property settlement. If you can afford to take out a further advance to buy out your ex, it might well be worth doing that asap.

Or you could just play dirty. Changing the wifi password might make SS's life awkward, but he could probably just use his phone for internet access. Removing the fuses from the mains when you go out, so SS doesn't have electricity, would make things more difficult, but they're often not easy to access. I'd do it though. I'd turn the water off at the mains too, but it would probably be easy for SS to turn it back on, unless your stopcock is somewhere odd. (I have two, for historic reasons not worth going into, so someone who doesn't know about the second one would be mystified when the water didn't come back after they'd turned it on at stopcock that's in the usual place.)

Does SS do drugs or anything else legally dodgy? A call to the police might well make him want to leave pdq...

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/03/2025 14:32

LakieLady · 02/03/2025 14:27

My right to a peaceful home life is a human right. My husband forcing his adult child to live with me is a breach of this.

While that might be true in the general meaning of "right", it's not a right that is a breach of the HRA. You really need to see a solicitor to establish exactly what remedies are available to you. I feel for you, it's a particularly unpleasant thing to do to someone.

It strikes me that this arrangement is almost like a form of abuse or harassment by proxy. I'd be surprised if there wasn't some sort of legal remedy, but it may well be expensive and probably not quick either. And while you're there, see what can be done about expediting the divorce and property settlement. If you can afford to take out a further advance to buy out your ex, it might well be worth doing that asap.

Or you could just play dirty. Changing the wifi password might make SS's life awkward, but he could probably just use his phone for internet access. Removing the fuses from the mains when you go out, so SS doesn't have electricity, would make things more difficult, but they're often not easy to access. I'd do it though. I'd turn the water off at the mains too, but it would probably be easy for SS to turn it back on, unless your stopcock is somewhere odd. (I have two, for historic reasons not worth going into, so someone who doesn't know about the second one would be mystified when the water didn't come back after they'd turned it on at stopcock that's in the usual place.)

Does SS do drugs or anything else legally dodgy? A call to the police might well make him want to leave pdq...

Why stoop to this level when the OP has raised this young man since he was 9 years old?

Keep it above board and through the proper channels.

TroysMammy · 02/03/2025 14:39

CandidHedgehog · 02/03/2025 13:52

Because her ex is paying either £1,000 or £2,000 a month (still not clear which) that the courts would not require him to pay for a house he’s not living in.

She’s actually probably receiving more than the cost of housing her stepson.

Edited
Show quote history

From the OP - At first I was accommodating, as my husband still pays half the mortgage, I pay all of the bills.

And where do you get the £1,000 or £2,000 from?

It still stands, she is paying ALL of the bills and the layabout stepson not paying a penny towards the utilities he is using.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/03/2025 14:42

tallhotpinkflamingo · 02/03/2025 11:32

you can't cope because he's in his room all day? stop.

it's none of your business how much money he spends.

you sound jealous or desperate for attention

Desperate from attention from whom? She has an unrelated adult male in her home who does not pay anything towards the household bills, who does not work and who never leaves the house. It's OP's business how much money he spends as he makes absolutely no contribution to household expenses.

Anyone who says they would be OK with this situation would be lying.

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 02/03/2025 14:43

Personally OP, I think changing the WiFi password would be a start! When my then-21yr old nephew's WiFi broke in the shared house he lived in and couldn't be fixed, him and all of his housemates moved out!! Obviously I'm not saying that all 21yr olds would do the same bur it's worth a try!

Another suggestion and I'm no doubt going to get ripped apart for suggesting this but here goes... (This depends on how desperate you are to get rid of him)
Offer to find and pay for the first X number of months rent on a shared house for him elsewhere?? Bills are usually included in the rent (where I live they are, anyway)

No, you absolutely should not 'have' to do this and he's certainly not your responsibility, of course..........It might work though and it might calculate to be not a great deal more than what you're spending on keeping him at your own house for 3 months anyway! Taking into consideration all the increased bills & food.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/03/2025 14:47

FoolishHips · 02/03/2025 12:24

Imagine being someone who discovers that their primary care giver of over ten years cares absolutely nothing for them. That must be very damaging.

No criticism of his actual father who doesn't want him living in his home?

This man doesn't sound like a very desirable house mate. He contributes nothing to bills/household expenses and doesn't even buy his own shower gel or toothpaste. He isn't a small child and he isn't actually related to OP.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/03/2025 14:50

TroysMammy · 02/03/2025 14:39

From the OP - At first I was accommodating, as my husband still pays half the mortgage, I pay all of the bills.

And where do you get the £1,000 or £2,000 from?

It still stands, she is paying ALL of the bills and the layabout stepson not paying a penny towards the utilities he is using.

Show quote history

To be fair if the ex stopped paying there is nothing the OP could do without legal proceedings. He may feel £600 covers that.

This is why it's essential the OP takes action as soon as possible. It's a mess and long overdue.

Localher0 · 02/03/2025 14:56

Citizen' advice will not be able to give you legal advice- they could direct you to a local solicitor who may offer a free consultation. Have a look through the CA website for publicly available information- that's all you'll get.

Zaap · 02/03/2025 15:02

izzygirlis4 · 02/03/2025 07:05

He absolutely does have to pay half the mortgage. The mortgage is joint and he is equally liable and therefore must continue to pay half of it.

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Not true unfortunately although it appears this is a common misconception. All responsibility or liability means in this context is that if the house were to be repossessed the creditors would come after both parties equally for the debt. Sadly although he should, he can’t actually be made to pay it as the bank doesn’t care which individual makes the repayment as long as it’s made.

The OP could take him to court to recover the costs from the mortgage payments if he doesn’t pay but it’s time consuming and would probably take up about as much money in solicitors fees to recover than the actual loss of his side of the mortgage payment anyway. The only things he risks by not paying are a CCJ if OP doesn’t pay it and a being lumbered with a huge debt bill. However, the OP would more than likely still pay it and he will still garner the 40% that he put in whilst not putting a single penny in further.

CandidHedgehog · 02/03/2025 15:05

TroysMammy · 02/03/2025 14:39

From the OP - At first I was accommodating, as my husband still pays half the mortgage, I pay all of the bills.

And where do you get the £1,000 or £2,000 from?

It still stands, she is paying ALL of the bills and the layabout stepson not paying a penny towards the utilities he is using.

Show quote history

From the OP at 10.41 today.

She says I am in London…. I wish I had a small mortgage but don’t. Already pay nearly £2k a month with 2% Interest rates are around 4% so that will double.

The OP’s husband is paying half so either half the £2,000 (£1,000) or the £2,000 is half, in which case he is paying an additional £2,000 a month.

Therefore, since the courts don’t usually require a spouse to pay the mortgage if he/she doesn’t live in the property (as payment in full by the occupant is seen as being in lieu of rent for the non-occupant’s share), the OP is receiving more than sufficient funds to cover her SS’s bills.

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