How do you handle it when people make statements at you, for eg you’ll be looking for a job in September then

[GeorgiesCat]

Don’t have a good relationship with my mum due to her being abusive in the past and that abusive person still comes out at times

Anyway leant to just not tell her things, I keep plans dreams hopes worries to myself or share with a trusted friend

so now she’s developed this tactic of throwing out a statement to see how I respond

for example
youngest child will be starting school in Sept, but we’ve already decided to try for more children, sahp atm

she will just throw out at me
youll be looking for a job in September then…
kinda waiting to see how i will respond
I basically just ignore her and act like I didn’t hear her

then she will do the same again next week the exact same statement

how would you handle this ?

i mean I could say oh will I now

but she will just flow that up with more statements etc

It’s super hard, OP - but bear in mind she’s deliberately trying to make you defensive to provoke a reaction (and some info) because she’s angry at your (very sensible!) strategy of not sharing info.

I liked the suggestion of deliberately mishearing and saying “Oh, are you? How exciting!” Yes, it might provoke her defensive reaction of “I’m retired, etc, etc” but it’s giving you time (and winding her up and making her defensive!). Once she’s got through her spiel, I’d just laugh. Never get drawn into explaining your actions. Unless she’s funding you being a SAHP, your job & family decisions are not up for her approval.

See it as a game - like “boundary-crossing-bingo”. You know she’s going to do it; you know it’s out-of-order; and you don’t want to give her any information. So just have fun with her and make sure SHE is the one getting wound up and annoyed. After all, she started it!

Have you tried "why are you worried about that?
Whatever her response is eg "you should want to work etc", just repeat the line "why are you worried about that"
Hopefully it should shut her down.

Say yes and ask her to help with childcare !!! See how she likes that...

I also love the suggestions of throwing her statements back at her so:

”You’ll be looking for a job come September” - “Yes, am I ok putting you down for 3 days of childcare?”

”Have you paid off your mortgage?”
”Not yet - but I was going to ask you about a bit of a financial contribution to clear the balance”

Then have a laugh at her irate responses. You can’t make her stop with the inappropriate statements - but you can try to ensure she enjoys the aftermath less than you!

yes hopefully the op will but no guarantee of that. I was 2 weeks trying for my first child. Took 3 years and Ivf to have a second. I didn’t put my life on hold during that time that’s for sure.

What a weird thing to say

One I use to intrusive questions is "why do you need to know that?"

Then whatever they reply you just go oh, OK. Or oh, interesting

Then anyway, ... and talk about some boring shit.

Do your siblings live with her? Is that why you are worried about walking away from her affecting your relationship with them?

Or are they nasty and would not respect your choice?

Smile - it's not really your business - or side step/distract into high rent and house prices. With my MIL often way of boosting or competing with us - so ignoring distracting or out competing works.

It's hard as sometime correcting won’t stick and sometimes it more for others in the room – or to try and counter a narrative being made - or you just don’t want to give the opening to a lecture on your life. However sometimes walking away is only way out of conversation.

"haven't decided yet, we'll have to see" big smile. You are an adult, not answerable to her, or subject to what she decrees acceptable. Make yourself happy.

The useful thing about her not phrasing them as questions is that they don't require an answer. Just 'mmmm' or 'uh huh' her and make your own statement about something else.
What are you classing as LC currently as it doesn't sounds very low to me if you're seeing her enough for her to keep making judgey comments about your life. I'd be looking at refusing it a lot more, for your sanity.

”maybe, let’s see”

“It’s super hard, OP - but bear in mind she’s deliberately trying to make you defensive to provoke a reaction (and some info) because she’s angry at your (very sensible!) strategy of not sharing info.“

Oh yes that’s making her really angry

obv in an ideal world she’d be a lovely caring kind mum, that is supportive the kind you could actually even talk to, if we were close she’d already probably know my plans etc
but I’ve accepted that’s not who she is and that’s never gonna happen

im not worried my siblings would go NC with me, although guess it could name things awkward if it wasn’t for my siblings I’d barely keep in touch
with her

atm I see her about once every 2/3 weeks for a couple of hours
so maybe I need to lower that even further

"That's an interesting assumption to make" might work as a catch all. I think it must be exhausting to have to figure out the 'right' response every time.

Ah yeah I wouldn't call that LC at all. That's more often than I see any family members and we all get on well! If she's dripping poison that often I can imagine that's really hard to deal with. Reduce as much as you feel comfortable doing so. Maybe once a month, if less feels uncomfortable to start, and look to increasing the breaks between visits each time?

Some suggestions...a silly / flippant answer and change the subject.
"Are you going back to work in September?"
'I'm think going to stick to the Only Fans work. '

Or "have you paid your morgage off yet?"
'No, I'm waiting to inherit your fortune. Have you considered a power of attorney btw?'

Or just say 'Oh, I don't really want to talk about work / money, why don't you tell me what you've been up to?'

'What you would you do if you were me?'.... followed by 'That's interesting we might have different outlooks on that but I appreciate you sharing your opinion, it has given me something to think about.'

'I appreciate your concern/ interest and you've brought me up to understand my career/ money is important. You can trust I'll do what I think is best for me and my family.'

That's between me and <DH name>. When I'm ready, I will tell you what my plans are.'

Yes I totally agree, I need to see less of her, way less

it does concern me, what are the dc learning about sticking up for themselves if they need to

It really is long, long past time to make some really big changes with regard to her

I suppose I sometimes question myself ? Is she being out of order putting that statement out or am I just being over sensitive
like I don’t fully trust myself
if that makes any sense ?

A friend said to say never really thought about it, or if really pushed say wish I cared about x but I don’t

I feel your pain, OP. Every time I see my Mum she asks if my son has got himself a girlfriend, yet.

Did you get a loan to pay for those new windows?

You don’t need to spend any more money on your house now, do you?

It gets harder and harder to smile and nod.

I’m edging towards “What the fuck has it it got to do with you?”

I’m nearly there.

Thanks just changing others that get it, and getting it off my chest has actually helped
I’ve decided I’ve actually really had enough of this now.
it really is draining
I just don’t get why she’s like this at all

Give yourself some grace, OP. Try the slightly lower contact thing, see if that cheers you up and gives a bit more strength to your arm. I find that playing these people at their own game is often a waste of energy - as the saying goes, they bring you down to their level then beat you with experience. It’s not simple. It’s relatively easy for us to give you a plethora of ways you can stick it to her, but that’s always easier said than done.

🙄

I find a non commital answer then a question straight back can work well.
' have you paid off your mortgage yet'

A. 'Ooh what a question, when did you pay off yours ? It must have been hard when interest rates were really high back in the 80s....'

I feel for you OP, I worked with someone who made random statements. It's frustrating as they're so nosey, they keep going.
I was always caught off guard too, so you end up stammering.

I resorted to
"not sure",
"I haven't thought about it", "
I'll check" etc.

Just being vague really and avoiding them.