How do you handle it when people make statements at you, for eg you’ll be looking for a job in September then

[GeorgiesCat]

Don’t have a good relationship with my mum due to her being abusive in the past and that abusive person still comes out at times

Anyway leant to just not tell her things, I keep plans dreams hopes worries to myself or share with a trusted friend

so now she’s developed this tactic of throwing out a statement to see how I respond

for example
youngest child will be starting school in Sept, but we’ve already decided to try for more children, sahp atm

she will just throw out at me
youll be looking for a job in September then…
kinda waiting to see how i will respond
I basically just ignore her and act like I didn’t hear her

then she will do the same again next week the exact same statement

how would you handle this ?

i mean I could say oh will I now

but she will just flow that up with more statements etc

Yes lower contact is the way to go. NC can cause havoc as you rightly say, although it's sometimes necessary.
Get comfortable walking away when she becomes inappropriate. If it's on a message, ignore any statements/questions. She's being very rude and you don't have to take it. Best wishes.

How about something more straightforward then

"oh mum, that's not something I want to talk about right now, let's talk about (interesting subject) instead"

She comes back with "oh why not?"

"it's just a bit boring to natter about isn't it, I've got it covered, now what do you think about (interesting subject)?"

She then says "why don't you want to talk about getting a job in September?"

"Why are you so interested? You must have more going on in your life than my potential new job"

All future questions about it, question her back as to why she needs to know

I did think about saying not really any of your business is it

or that’s none of your business

or that’s not really any of your business

Or I never said that
that could work
as that also still doesn’t give anything else away

Have thought about Questioning why are you so interested

but this would probably give her the opportunity to reply with why should be doing what

Maybe I’ll try a simple I never said that next time

I really need to assert myself more
as really maybe, I’m not being the best example to my young dc by just ignoring it

That is genius

Yes, everytime she asks you are you getting a job ask her has she made any funeral arrangements.

True but...
"Why are you so interested? I think you need more in your life to occupy you. You need to get out more mum, find some friends, get some hobbies. You'll be needing to join the WI. I'll find their contact details for you. Now mum, don't argue with me, obsessing over the details of my life is really highlighting to me that your life is a bit too empty. Here you are, you'll be needing to phone them on Monday to find out the details."

I would just say “No, I’m happy to be at home for now. Maybe when they’re older…” (not that you have to justify yourself to her)

Last time I saw her she asked me right of the blue, have you paid your morgage off yet ?

I'm not really even in the age range where you’d even think someone would have paid it off yet

She wouldn’t accept I’m happy at home for now
this would just encourage her to list why i should be doing what she thinks I should

"Why are you asking? Do you want me to be spending more on your birthday present?"

Ultimately calmly ignoring it's probably the best response- anything else just adds fuel to the fire.
But when you are 'triggered' ie internaly furious and raging it's very hard to calmly ignore!
My experience (as a parent of adult children) is that it takes work and self-reflection to accept that you are no longer the boss who can just tell them what to do. And part of the reason that I feel the need to steer them (which I resist of course ) is that if things go wrong I will feel very upset for them, and I will feel the need to try and comfort them, make things right etc.

"Sounds like you're offering to write me a check, thanks ma🤣👍🏻"
Take a mental picture of the expression on her face and then quickly change the subject😁

"Who told you that?"

"Oh, I haven't been told anything about that."

"Mind your own business."

I was still a SAHM when my youngest started school, but I went back to work the next year.

My mum never asked or commented on it, and I think it’s because she was terrified I might ask her to provide childcare, just like most of her friends did for their GC.

So maybe you could ask her is she interested in helping out? I’m sure she’d back right off 😆

OK, that is weird. I'd probably go for 'No, were you expecting that? Had you paid yours off at my age?' (but only add the second bit if you know that wasn't the case)

Otherwise, grey rock is the best route. So with the job question I'd stick with being vague 'maybe, I'm going to see what comes up' 'probably, depends what things are like then' 'haven't really thought, going to see what turns up' sort of thing.

How often are you seeing her at the moment?

So just answer ‘We’ve agreed I’ll be staying at home for the foreseeable. Would you like a brew mum?’
It’s called - having a conversation. Not everything has to be a drama.

Does she want to care for her GC do you think, whilst you're at work? Can't think of any other reason why she wants to know!

You could confront it head on - say mum, you've said that three times now, it sounds like you really are keen to advise me to get a job in September? Is that right?

Then she will say yes surely it's time for a job, or some random thing.

Keep validating what she says as her opinion. mm yes I hear you, I can see why you think it's important. What would happen if I didn't? And that would be bad, would it? Why? Let her go on about it for a bit.

Well look mum, that's really clear and helpful that these are all your reasons for advising me to get a job. I've heard what you've said now so would you mind letting it lie? You don't need to make the point again.

Next time she does it - we talked about that the other day didn't we. Now, would you like a coffee? etc.

Just be vague. 'Haven't decided yet' / 'will see how it all goes before I decide' etc.

From what you’ve said I’m assuming that if you went NC with her your siblings would go NC with you out of solidarity with her, is that right? Is that a good enough reason to keep spending time with someone who seems to be hell bent on eroding your self-esteem this way? I’d agree that lower contact is certainly the way to go. I do understand that NC isn’t easy (believe me, I get it), but I do still think it’s worth asking yourself what the net benefit of this relationship actually is for you (specifically, not vaguely). If I had siblings whose involvement in my life was contingent upon my spending time with someone who is deliberately cruel (which seems to be what’s going on here) I would be considering how much I need them in my life, too. Is she like this with them? Do they know how she treats you? Do you have any allies in this, or family members fighting your corner with you? And yes, it is worth bearing in mind that what a parent tolerates is a lesson to a child that they carry with them into their own adulthood.

I personally would say that you’re planning to be a SAHP and just shut the conversation down.
Tell her it’s none of her business if she questions it.

Did she work all through your childhood?

Either she’s jealous of your life or she’s concerned you’re leaving yourself vulnerable.

Are you TTC now?
If so, then just act like you’re planning to get a job because by September you’ll likely be pregnant again anyway.

People can make whatever statements they like and ask any question. You don't have to answer.

You'll be getting a job in September.

<pause> Signs of Spring already, saw some daffodils earlier. Your garden will be looking lovely soon. Did you plant that lavender?

A job? You'll be getting a job!

<pause> This tea's nice. The price of Yorkshire is ridiculous. Nearly £10 a box. Mind you the price of everything is going through the roof. Did you know soda crystals are £2.35 now?

Job??

Is that the time? Look at me wittering on. It's been lovely seeing you. I'll get in touch.

Weird post