Can't have children, what now?

[whatnoooow]

Hey, I've name changed for this post and I'm hoping to get some guidance from women who have been in this situation, or who have some advice, if they haven't.

After years of trying for a child, fertility treatments etc, nothing has worked for us. I've accepted that our future will look different to how we imagined, but I don't really know where to go from here.

It kind of feels like I'm at a crossroads. Like I have a whole life ahead of me (not quite, I'm late 30s), and not really sure what to do with it!

I don't particularly love my job, the money is average and it's fairly easy, but it doesn't bring me any sort of satisfaction. Would it make sense to maybe look in to a fulfilling career? Instead of children being my sole focus, the only other thing I can think of is work?

Not sure what advice I could even get, but some direction or inspiration would be helpful.

Thank you x

I suppose first question (if you haven’t already answered this question) is do you want to be a biological Mother? It wasn’t implicit from your OP- just that you had been trying for years.

if the answer to the above is no, I would absolutely look at throwing myself into a career that I loved. You could also pursue hobbies that you enjoy. Do you enjoy travel?

Ah yes, sorry @RazzleDazz1e I didn't specify. Yes I would want to be a biological mother. Adopting is amazing, but it's not something that I would want to do, personally.

I'm not well traveled, so we have looked at going on some nice holidays, I'd like to have a job I loved to be able to pay for those holidays though

Thank you for replying

In this position I’d definitely work towards a better paying, more satisfying career that I genuinely love. One of my close friends is childless and she has an absolutely amazing life with her DH - they both have wonderful jobs and plenty of disposable income for frequent, far flung holidays and interesting hobbies.

I haven't been in your situation and you may hate me for saying this (a friend who struggled to conceive was furious when I said this to her) but...

I love my children but I think I would have been happier without them. Juggling aging and ill parents with anxious teens and trying to keep money coming in and a roof over our heads means the last 10 years of my life have been a brutal grind. There is very little joy in my life and almost infinite stress.

If I was child free I would travel, volunteer and spend time on my own wellbeing and fitness. I can more easily envision a happy and fulfilled life without children than the one I have now becoming that way.

Realising this over the last few years has been really difficult for me and a source immense guilt but as you are asking I wanted to be 100% honest.

Friends of mine adopted an embryo from Spain. Little girl is 10 now and strangely actually resembles the mother. Would you consider that as an option as, for as the person growing the baby that does make you the birth mum....

@BrighterLater I see the merits in not having children to care for. I'm just not sure what I do now that it's not an option for me anymore.

How amazing, I had no idea that was even a thing!

I've come to terms with it now, so just want to move on and make plans. But I have no clue what those plans should be.

I agree with you

@whatnoooow what do you enjoy?

Art, music, travel, gardening?

What makes you happy? New experiences? Helping others? Meeting people?

I can see how it is difficult to find a way forward when life is taking a different path to the one you imagined. If I was you I would think about what I like, or want to try, and start there.

For me, that wouldn't be work, because I can't imagine my work making me happy. But your career might be the thing for you. Or it might just be a means to an end, financing the things you want to do.

Of the couples I know in that position, one does foster care. The other does a lot of travel.

I was in your position when I was 39. Recurrent miscarriage meant that I really didn’t want to go down the IVF route. I had suffered from severe endo for 20yrs and the chances of IVF being successful under the circumstances and at my age were slim to zero.

So we gave up, made a plan to travel more, buy a camper van, and start to enjoy life again after a number of unhappy years when our lives were on hold.

I lost weight, planned a lovely holiday in the Caribbean to watch the test matches and just enjoy life. We booked it 12 months in advance because the cricket tickets had to be bought 12 mnths ahead.

We were learning to love life again and looking forward to our well deserved break. We’d found a van and we’re going to buy it on our return. We’d planned our first jolly around Scotland. Then six weeks before our holiday I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t get my hopes up, my GP sent me for scans but I fully expected it to have failed at 6 weeks like all the rest.

It’s now 21 years almost to the day, since that happened. DS called in this evening on his way from Cardiff, where he is at Uni, to Liverpool. He and his mates are visiting their other friend.

So despite the plans we had to change direction again. Looking back I don’t regret giving up even though ultimately our destiny lay in parenthood. We are now in that child free space again. As much as I love my DS, and couldn’t imagine life without him, I know that if he hadn’t come along we would have been ok. Our life would have been different but just as fulfilling. We may have been able to retire earlier. We would have done our trip around the UK and visited many other places. We would have enjoyed our lives but just doing other things.

Just as my parenting journey began my DSis came to an end. After being diagnosed with breast cancer at 34 the chemo robbed her of her fertility. We did lead parallel lives, me as a mother that didn’t think it would happen her the mother that never was. She did have a great life with her DH. They accepted their situation and she lived a further 20 yrs able to enjoy their adventures. She had her nieces and nephews and godchildren who she doted on. Unfortunately she died last year of an unrelated cancer.

As we put together memories of her life we realised that she had led an incredibly full and rewarding life. We had always felt sorry for her infertility but realised that so much of who she was was because she didn’t have children. I was surprised how jealous I felt that she had been given and taken advantage of so many opportunities.

She had a life well lived. She did experience darker times but ultimately made the most of the life she was given. We all do, but parenthood is only part of your life. I remember being quite sad that we had spent most of our 30s chasing the dream and often wished that we had not invested so much time when we were healthy and young waiting for the miracle. It did happen but now we are child free again we no longer have our health to do the things we had planned.

Hello OP !
I've always wanted to write a book so if I had free time, that's what I would do. Do you have any hobbies/passions that you could delve into ? I've never seen a job as something to bring me fulfillment. I like my job but it doesn't define me.

Other than that... Just do what you enjoy. Your life doesn't have to have some deep meaning. You can just enjoy the small things. A long relaxing bath at the end of the day. A nice drink. Nice food. Etc.

@BrighterLater You'd still have ageing and ill parents; though - so you’d still be pretty tied to where they are; and what they need. Unless you think you’ve looked after them to show your children what to do, or incase of karma? It sounds like it’s more being the “sandwich generation” between ageing parents who don’t want outside help and also trying to raise children has been the issue for you; rather than the kids themselves?

I can see how your life could have been much easier without both, but I wonder how much difference just removing one would make. In my experience; your parents would just expect more…

I think it's really difficult to overcome the biological instinct. It's hard to know how strong that might be for you. Or how much is societal. Either way it's a loss which you're going to grieve and that's hard.

Because of the biological drivers, it's almost impossible to tell someone their feelings will go away but others here will provide good experience of their own.

I always wonder if there's a way to nurture and love something that isn't a child. Would it address the biology that makes it so hard. ( Some don't have that drive of course.) What things could you nurture? That's just something to explore. It sounds so cheesy but I say this now as a parent and nurturing other things has helped me for various reasons ( plants, animals in my case). Nurturing your life in a way you never imagined and ignoring all the judgement and self doubt. I think that's something more women should do. I think the fulfillment could be huge. It will just be different.

Work - can that be a joy? Pleasure? Do you do enough for your own absolute pleasure? You should do. Are you interested in therapy? Could you nurture all those parts that might need it with that ( if you're open to it.)

There is so much pain associated with parenting for many and it's a taboo so it isn't allowed to be spoken. It is truth. I am not going to caveat with but I love my child etc. Because people do that through fear of judgement and actually alot more. We know most mum's inherently love. But I want you to explore the reality that the situation is often not what one has imagined and there is regret. There's the possibility of additional problems that cause so much difficulty and suffering all round that a large group do think I would change this if I could go back in time.

If part of you can accept that is actually reality, is there any way that would help. It's hard to see this because people can't openly admit it. But believe it.

I can't imagine the pain of losing a child or wanting so much it's impossible. For that I have a great deal of compassion for the grief. That grief takes time. Distraction and nurturing I think will help 🙏

What a wonderful, intelligent and thoughtful reply. You and your late DSis sound amazing and so lovely. I'm glad she lived a full and happy life in spite of her illness.

She was very lucky to have you as a sister ❤️

Hi OP I’m childless/childfree too after many years of fertility treatments. I’m really sorry it didn’t work out for you.

There is great support out there - childless collective, (formerly gateway women) and also childfree groups. I’m part of both, go to meet ups and have made some new friends, it’s helped me feel a sense of belonging and community. I found counselling helped once I’d decided to stop trying.

I changed direction with work and run my own business. It’s something I always wanted to do, so I decided to go for it. It’s working out well and I find work really exciting and challenging.

I spend time looking after my physical health/self care. Daily exercise and making time to unwind every day. I love time alone and treat myself to a solo coffee date once a week. I love cooking a nice meal at the end of the day. I have a dog and go out for walks everyday in nature. I feel very lucky to be able to do these things everyday, they bring me a lot of joy and fulfilment.

It’s taken time to reach a place of peace and acceptance but with time and the right support I feel connected back to myself again.

I have several close family who were unable to have children and deeply mourned this. All have now got a dog or a couple of dogs. It's not an attempt to replace a child it's to bring fun and positivity into their lives. It gives them an energy and focus.

I was in a similar position, but 42 by then. 12yrs TTC, lost 3 pregnancies, rounds of IVF and no cause for sub-fertility found. It was only after the last, failed round of IVF that the consultant asked if I'd considered donor eggs? Well no, no one had ever mentioned until that point that it might have been needed!!!

I did alot of reading about egg donors in UK vs say Spain/elsewhere. @Dmsandfloatydress was it an embryo or eggs your friend got?

In the end, we didn't pursue donor eggs. I do sometimes look at adoption and foster caring, but not currently looking to do this.

My life is different to what I'd always assumed when growing up. I never considered a childless life, even when having losses and IVF, I always assumed we'd be able to have at least 1 child. I have a happy life though, a lovely husband and make the most of the things I do have.

Pursuing your career is certainly an option, as long as you don't get burnt out. Make the most of your free time and enjoy day to day life.

I'm in a similar position to you, mid 30s with no children after 8 years of trying to conceive.

Sometimes going through infertility can make it feel like your life is on pause (for me it did anyway) and when you come out the other side it's like "what now?"

It can be so difficult to imagine a life that is so different from what you thought it would be. But I've definitely found it helpful to focus on doing the things that make me happy.

So whether you want to take up a new hobby or have a whole career change you should do it!

Good luck 💐💜

So sorry OP, my heart really does go out to you. I have kids so I’m not the best places to advise. But what I would say is that I absolutely love my job and I think that regardless of kids or no kids, it makes a huge difference to your life satisfaction. I completely get we are here to live and not work, but to misquote another cliche, if work is going to fill a large part of what you do then it’s important you enjoy it, If I were you I’d 100% focus on finding a job you enjoy, and travel, travel, travel!!!

As someone in a similar position (late 30s and came to terms with not having children a few years ago) I'd echo this sentiment. I think sometimes we put pressure on ourselves to do something "big" when we cannot have children and it's actually important to take it slow if you need to and focus on what brings you joy. If you have certain hobbies, interests or a career you'd really like to pursue then great go for it...just remember it's also a valid choice to spend your time on mumsnet, eating chocolate and watching netflix 😀

Before my DC I thought I couldn't have children and was desperately sad about it. Looking back now, much as I love my DC, I wish I'd appreciated my life before more and actually a big part of me thinks I'd have been happier staying that way.

I travelled a lot, random mini breaks etc. We ate out whenever we fancied. I had long lie ins at the weekend and lazy brunches. I went to the theatre and met up with friends. I worked long hours in a challenging job but had the downtime to recover. I was financially very comfortable.

I guess the point of my post is that I couldn't appreciate what I had back then because of the longing. I wish I'd worked through that with some professional support as I think I could actually have been very happy without children.

@Wibblywobblybobbly that's what I'm trying to do now. Be genuinely happy with life and have a purpose, I suppose.

Children just seemed the obvious answer to that, so I need to find something to fill that metaphorical gap.

This may be crazy, but I'd love to be a nurse! Although everyone I have spoken to have said that's the worst idea I've ever had....

Exactly this. See it as an opportunity to slow down and take your time deciding what you want to do with the rest of your life. And absolutely do not put pressure on yourself to have to Do Something Big. It’s not just parents who get to be humdrum. You don’t have to justify your existence to anyone.

Weighing in. I have two DSs, 23/25. They're great.

I was never that 'maternal' and I seriously don't think I'd've been that bothered if we couldn't have had children. But we did, and they're great.

But they provide a very handy excuse for why we can't do anything a bit 'out there'. Why we're 'obviously' tied to where we are, and what we're doing. Life just jogs along, no huge ups or downs. It's fine.

However, tho I don't regret having the boys at all, I think I would have been a very different person if I felt unburdened by naturally putting them first. Having kids provides a handy anchor, and excuse, in your life.

It's very convenient to lose your sense of self once you're a parent, because you can't be challenged, can you? It's always 'for the kiddies'... and why so many marriages falter once 'the kiddies' leave home.

Yours not 'child-less', you're 'child-free'.