Can't have children, what now?

[whatnoooow]

Hey, I've name changed for this post and I'm hoping to get some guidance from women who have been in this situation, or who have some advice, if they haven't.

After years of trying for a child, fertility treatments etc, nothing has worked for us. I've accepted that our future will look different to how we imagined, but I don't really know where to go from here.

It kind of feels like I'm at a crossroads. Like I have a whole life ahead of me (not quite, I'm late 30s), and not really sure what to do with it!

I don't particularly love my job, the money is average and it's fairly easy, but it doesn't bring me any sort of satisfaction. Would it make sense to maybe look in to a fulfilling career? Instead of children being my sole focus, the only other thing I can think of is work?

Not sure what advice I could even get, but some direction or inspiration would be helpful.

Thank you x

@illiad

I think sometimes we put pressure on ourselves to do something "big" when we cannot have children and it's actually important to take it slow if you need to and focus on what brings you joy. If you have certain hobbies, interests or a career you'd really like to pursue then great go for it...just remember it's also a valid choice to spend your time on mumsnet, eating chocolate and watching netflix 😀

Exactly, I just have a normal life but with no children. I have a good job and get to travel when I like but otherwise, I'm just living my life - not needing to do anything big just to feel like my life hasn't been without reason.

I really admire the parents that admit that it was tougher than they anticipated and would not necessarily do it again if they could turn back time x

Nooooooo! 😆 I'll bring in my personal experience again. I've spent years in and out of hospital. Over time I see and feel the joy completely sucked out the job for these people. I can believe it could be enough to make people unwell working in it from what I see happening in this climate.

It's another illusion like the children illusion. The hope is that you will fulfil your need to nurture but the reality now is that everything is making the job so difficult and probably pretty unpleasant for the most part that the rewards you hope for will not be realised.

Maybe something close to caring on your terms completely where the extra problems that nurses in the NHS now face are removed.

The great thing is you now have the time and the mental room to really consider exactly what works to meet YOUR needs and yours alone. Make your needs the absolute priority is what I would wish for you.

I'll stop now OP as I'm not in a place to help other than sprinklings of uncomfortable truths from my side of the road. ❤️

@Tittat50 I really appreciate your words. I am looking for something to fill that nurturing hole.

Yes it was embryo adoption. Very high chance of a successful pregnancy apparently! Another friend used a donated egg and her husbands sperm. Gorgeous boy who looks like his father.

What the f??
Please explain. Is this like adopting a donkey in a foreign country?

No, of course not! In some jurisdictions, including Spain, IVF embryos which are not implanted into the people whose eggs made them (ie the intended parents) , can be released to other people who want to be parents, instead of being destroyed. Two of my friends, who lost an IVF pregnancy at 24 weeks, were able to ‘adopt’ an embryo at a Spanish clinic. Their daughter is now ten.

@BrighterLater I think your friend was wrong for being angry at you. They are your feelings and it is absolutely fine for you to feel that way.

OP, I had kids late in life but before that I dedicated my time to travel. Absolutely loved it and had may adventures. Also chased experiences that I absolutely don't have the time or money for now. I'm glad I did this stuff when I could as life is so unpredictable! I hope you have a blast whatever you decide to do. Don't be afraid to try lots of different things before you find a 'calling'.

Just to add, I did teach abroad for a bit too - helping kids who really need it might appeal to you.

I think it's worth adding here that under Spain's current law; the donor process is completely anonymous and there is no way for the child or parent to find each other through official records. There is, however, a big increase in the number of people taking DNA tests, so it's not an easy-to-protect secret - and there's a fair amount of pressure on Spain to conform to the EU's position that a child deserves to know their biological parents.

At the moment, it's an anonymous and altruistic process, but that may not always be the case.

Obviously I've got no idea if your friend's daughter knows; and I'm sure that's something they've considered carefully whatever they've decided, but OP should consider how she feels and how any changes would affect her plan if that's something she wants to explore.

OP, the first item on your to-do list is to learn to ignore the many people who will suggest adoption to you even after you’ve said it’s not for you. Because it will keep happening, unfortunately.

Just to say, OP, there are women in similar situations to you on the Mumsnetters Without Children board and some threads you might find helpful.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters

Wishing you the best.

I can understand this a little although my circumstances no way mirror yours. I'm single and my children are pretty much adults. I'm now questioning which direction to go in now I no longer have responsibilities in the way I have over the last nearly 30 years. It's as if a big space has opened up and I can go in any direction I choose but I have no idea what to do! Being single I need to earn enough doing something but I would like to do something different to what I have been doing and something purposeful for me, not just because I need to support everyone.

Well, I agree with you on people tending to bang on about adoption after an OP has specifically ruled it out, but what was being talked about in that case wasn’t adoption, it was implanting an embryo that had been released to be used by another potential parent rather than being destroyed.

I'm sorry to hear of your poor outlook for being a parent. It sounds like you are starting to come to terms with not having children

Are you an aunty or godparent? Whilst not the same, there is some satisfaction in developing close relationships with a non-biological child that can have real benefits to you both, as well as benefits to the wider family.

As you get older and see friends and family struggle with the demands of children and young adults you might understand that whilst there is sadness, there is also freedom in your situation.

If you enjoy spending time with children there are many many voluntary options that would give you an outlet for this - again this would be very beneficial to those children and hopefully yourself, as well as wider society.

It's equally valid to focus inwards on yourself, on creating a life that you want that involves holiday when and where you want, having the money to spend on things that make you happy.

Yes, that’s a fair point about current laws.

My friends’ daughter (who obviously knows all about the circumstances of her conception and birth) is now sometimes struggling with starting to look so visibly different from both her mothers — she looks extremely Spanish, all of a sudden: very olive complexion, dark hair, while her mother are pale Northern European-looking . Adopted children often struggle with this, obviously, but in this case, she’s their birth child. It’s kind of new ground, psychologically and logistically.

So, I’m in my 40s and am childless not by choice.

The first thing I want to say is that you probably aren’t going to figure this all out immediately. I know I felt quite shocked by the shift from ‘it’s not happening, it’s difficult’ to ‘it is never going to happen’ in a way I didn’t expect - for me it wasn’t just a continuation of the same situation.

I wasn’t just being flippant in my previous post - some people seem to have this almost obsessive need to mention adoption to people who are childless not by choice, as if we haven’t bloody heard of it. We are not going to adopt because we don’t feel capable of the kind of trauma-informed care that’s needed, and because of some other considerations, and that’s ok and doesn’t mean we’re any less entitled to be upset about how things have turned out.

I also don’t want to volunteer, and that’s ok.

I see a private therapist and have found this really helpful. I don’t know if you were offered any counselling while going through fertility treatment, but personal I’ve found it helpful to pay for own therapy over a much longer period of time.

Other things that help: pets, hobbies, holidays, doing really nice things for myself, leaning into friendships with other childless or childfree people.

I went through a period of avoiding people with children, but now I’m really interested and enthusiastic about friends’ children - while enjoying fact I can give them back.

I think some good initial steps might be to focus on how you might want to change your career, consider some counselling, and book a really nice holiday. Sending you lots of good wishes.

You do need a fulfilling career. In your late thirties you are certainly young enough to try something different, re-train, widen your horizons. If one thing doesn't work out, try another. It could be exciting for you and if you and husband are happy together, life will be good. I wish you every success.

Oh come on. You don’t say shit like that to people who are struggling with infertility. That’s a real ‘read the room’ situation.

My situation is different to yours in that I never felt drawn to have kids. Spent a lot of my 20s stuck on a corporate treadmill with no direction.

Just before my 30th birthday two close family members died, one was only 32, and it really brought into reality for me that you only get one life and don't know how much time you'll have, so you may as well just go for it.

I started a business, it took over my life and became everything I care about. It's the best thing I've ever done. I help people through what I do, it's given me purpose and is so fulfilling beyond the money.

I'm at the stage now where I have full time employees, have been steadily making a good profit year on year, and it's given me the freedom to explore other things like travel, reno'ing houses, a whole bunch of hobbies and skills.

I try not to talk about it much with my real-life friends because they are all tearing their hair out over their kids' teachers or other parents or their kids themselves, and most of them just don't seem that happy. I can't imagine my life being getting up early, running around after kids, commuting, spending all my spare time tidying up toys, stressing about housework, figuring out what to cook for dinner etc.

Could starting a business be something you're interested in?

My friends are child free (not by choice) with fertility treatments failed. They were able to do jobs they liked because no costs of children, went on amazing holidays and have just retired (he's 52, she's 60) because they can afford to, he does volunteer in a role that's quite time consuming though)

I have friends in this situation. They’ve excelled in their careers, have a stunning house and go on luxury holidays, fancy date nights and just live their live to the fullest.

But my in laws gave up trying and 2 years later, just as they were planning to quite their jobs to do a midlife gap year she became pregnant with no help, they now have a 2 year old.

Im in a similar position, though 39 and not yet accepted it. Trying to invest though in the picture of what my life will look like/what other dreams can I fulfil if indeed I don't get what right now I very much still want.

That picture includes a lottt of different things, some of which I'd like to start sooner rather than later!

Moving to somewhere exciting/having access to a campervan/saving for a hut type property in the mountains/living in New York/ going to the arctic.

I already think my job is cool and fun but have had to turn down exciting opportunities for ivf treatment and it's hurt my career and I'm running out of money, so being free from trying finally will be an absolute relief. The carrot of hope though will dangle into my early 40s.

Invest in thinking a lot more (I already paint and write but everything is in stasis as all I can think about is eggs, time, pregnancy, ivf etc). Write a horror film!

I have had a secret desire to act all my life but am awfully shy of being seen to be confident. I dunno what that's about, but I'd scrunch it up and put it in the bin and try acting.

I read an essay yesterday by Rebecca Solnit called "the mother of all questions" about women and (not) being mothers. I found it helpful, and am now thinking about what she said about love. About how love is shown in so many ways in the world, and how it's needed in so many places. Because I also feel the urge to nurture/care/love and wonder where I could express that (other than my day to day interactions).

These are all things rattling around my mind along with made up deadlines and questions of ethics and just feeling so very tired of the undercurrent of sadness in everything and feeling like at one point I'd feel so much better to move on.

If you would love to be a nurse I would channel your energy into researching this as a career and how to train for it.

Being a parent doesn't work all that well with nursing training given the demand, long shifts and often inability to plan far in advance for childcare. I would like to be a nurse but being a single parent to a young child means this is pretty much out of the question for me now.

My DD and I have both had time in hospital and a good nurse makes so much difference to a patient's experience and I think it could be a hugely fulfilling albeit very challenging role. As a parent to an unwell child in hospital my heart would leap when I saw one the name of one of the kind, positive nurses assigned to us at shift change.

After 4 years of trying and having to do Ivf, there was a time I was told we may never have biological children.
In this time, I began to think about how my life would be without. I made myself some goals - lots of travel to new places, karate and working my way to black belt, completing my books. Mostly it was full of hobbies and things which really bring me joy. I have a friend who is child free by choice and she spends lots of time decorating her home, reading, meeting friends, travelling. She's very happy.

I think being a nurse is an excellent idea. Go for it!