Can't have children, what now?

[whatnoooow]

Hey, I've name changed for this post and I'm hoping to get some guidance from women who have been in this situation, or who have some advice, if they haven't.

After years of trying for a child, fertility treatments etc, nothing has worked for us. I've accepted that our future will look different to how we imagined, but I don't really know where to go from here.

It kind of feels like I'm at a crossroads. Like I have a whole life ahead of me (not quite, I'm late 30s), and not really sure what to do with it!

I don't particularly love my job, the money is average and it's fairly easy, but it doesn't bring me any sort of satisfaction. Would it make sense to maybe look in to a fulfilling career? Instead of children being my sole focus, the only other thing I can think of is work?

Not sure what advice I could even get, but some direction or inspiration would be helpful.

Thank you x

I'd recommend volunteering with children. Guiding for instance. Or mentoring.
You can have a very strong influence on a child's life in some volunteering roles.
How about hosting foreign kids over here at boarding school? It involves having them in the holidays, and going to teachers' evenings, school concerts, sports days and the like.
We did it. You become very close to the kids.

@TheSidewinderSleepsTonite mentioned travelling and decorating your home - both things that are much easier without kids, or kids affect what you can do and how. We moved house last year and have bought a doer-upper - we are doing it up very slowly in ways that wouldn’t be possible with small people around.

I have children, so maybe not a one to advise, but at a similar age to you I was made redundant from my mundane job and did a masters degree and had a complete career change. It's an ideal age to do it - not too old, but old enough to have some stability and a better work ethic than when I was younger.

Nursing sounds a hellish job to me, but you could have a look at some different careers with that element, whether medical or nurturing. Physiotherapy, occupational therapy? Lots of possibilities.

I deliberately remained child free because I could see your situation in others and I didn't want that for myself. In addition, we have some very odd genes in our family that I felt I did not want to perpetuate.

My half brother and my sister have had children and quite honestly, I have seen nothing to make me think I made the wrong decision. Their lives, raising those children have been an absolute miserable grind.

I'm not saying you should see it as a bullet dodged necessarily. Could you consider fostering. I have friends that do and they find it very rewarding.

I must say I completely agree with @BrighterLater and it's not something I would ever say out loud.

I would die for my children but if we were allowed a second shot I wouldn't have kids second time around.

I would be a selfish arsehole with a wonderful life. Disposable income, I would exercise, focus on my own wellbeing, travel all over the world. Pursue my career goals without feeling guilty. I would have more sex, more sleep, the brain capacity to properly learn a second language. Eat the foods that I want to eat. Explore new cities.

In your shoes Op I would do all of the above. Find what you love, a fulfilling career, volunteer. Find joy in all the things that are possible with your freedom.

Thank you for the explanation. You really do learn something every day?
But apart from carrying the embryo to term, this isn't so different to adopting as far as I can see, and the OP will not be a biological mother as she wanted.

I would take some time to grieve if you haven’t already and then ask yourself these questions:

• what makes me feel fired up/excited?
• when have I been happiest in my life?
• what do I want to look back on at the end of my life?
• If I were to die tomorrow, what would I be disappointed not to have achieved?

A session with a decent life coach might help you work this out. I can tell you what I would do (do a decent creative writing course and write a novel) but that doesn’t help you. Good luck!

You say ‘apart from carrying the embryo to term’, like it’s a tiny side thing!

‘Adopting’ an embryo could not be more different to adopting an existing child. The only key thing they share is the lack of genetic relationship between child and parent.

If you want to be a mother, being pregnant, carrying a child for nine months, giving birth, having that baby in your arms from the moment it leaves your body, is huge. it’s often one of the things adopters need to grieve after giving up on ttc and before proceeding to starting adoption assessment.

And of course, for an adoptive parent, many of the complications that require different parenting and attunement is because the child you’re adopting, even in the best-case scenario, has dealt with at least one if not more major loss in their life, and in a worst-case scenario, has been subject to stress, addiction and/or violence in the womb, neglectful/abusive parenting by birth parents, and a succession of temporary caregivers leading to attachment difficulties.

I have two different sets of close friends with children they gave birth to but have no genetic relationship to. They are absolutely their children in every way other than genetically. In one case, the genetic mother of the children is a family member and she’s in no way the children’s mother, more like a slightly special aunt.

You say ‘apart from carrying the embryo to term’, like it’s a tiny side thing!
I phrased that clumsily, perhaps. I was talking practically in terms of the process, rather than emotionally. Of course it isn't a tiny side thing!
Thank you for your balanced and kind explanation.

I can't offer any advice, but this is my own experience.
I desperately wanted children. I remember very well how sad I was after having four miscarriage. Time has passed and healed a lot.I have completely gotten over it now and learned how to move on with my life.
Now, I confidently say that I am very happy being chaildfree. I am happy with what I have I can go anywhere, do anything, and eat whatever, whenever I want. I don't have to worry about anyone.
And when I die, I will die happily.

What do you do for a living?

I'm worried I won't have anything to put myself in to. My job is fine, but it's not really what I'd like to do with the rest of my life.

Do it! Maybe it turns out to be awful and you go back to what you're doing now. But also, maybe it turns out to be utterly fabulous for you. You don't want to look back and regret not trying. The big advantage of not having kids is you can take more risks.

@whatnoooow

Is a career break an option? When I was coming up for 40 I was long time single, always thought I would be a mum but it never happened.
I had the opportunity for redundancy and took it. I temped for 6 months and then went on a 5 month overland trip across Africa.
I had a university place to do an MA on my return but a back injury in that year meant I couldn't pursue the job path I intended after I finished.
I did have to work part time and I rented a room to a lodger.

I did have the advantage of some redundancy money, about 6 months salary which paid for the trip and a few things needed on the house. And with only myself to consider it was a lot easier than if I had a partner. But I did plan and save very carefully for a year before I left work.
I ended up in my dream job, although in the charity sector so not that well paid but had a blast for 3 years.
And it was that job that led me to becoming a mum. I did adopt when I was 47. I'm not advocating adoption, it's tough and not for everyone, but when I left my job at 39, it wasn't in my plans and I certainly never expected to adopt an 8 year old at 47!
I think my point is that sometimes you have to take a few risks in life to find out where you are meant to be. Your path may meander a bit, but if you are open to opportunities that come your way, you can have a fulfilling life.
A career break could give you time and space to try things out, explore new opportunties
Good luck !

My social circle is a real mix of people with and without kids. For some, not having kids has meant they have really invested in their careers and do interesting things with lots of travel. Others are into particular music scenes/clubbing/pubs - still partying like it’s 1999. Investing in hobbies and other interests. Or just living a nice peaceful life with lots of yoga, running, cinema, holidays, meals out etc. Some have leaned into auntiehood whereas others don’t really engage with children at all. So lots of options depending on how you like to spend your time.

I am in a different but perhaps parallel situation in that over the past year I’ve been coming to terms with the idea that I might never fully recover from a chronic illness. Thinking of The Future or What My Life Should Be Now is frequently too overwhelming so I’m mostly channeling Anna from Frozen and focusing on doing the next right thing and hoping I figure out my new path along the way. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to figure it all out at once, you’ve been through a lot, be gentle with yourself.

I work as a housekeeper in the school from Monday to Friday, and also work in the restaurant. I love travelling, shopping,gardening, and doing makeup,buying new clothes make me happy, I never feel lonely because I always busy. there are still many things I plan to do in the future.

My apologies, I wasn't trying to offend anyone! I'm not sure what I said wrong but maybe phrased it incorrectly. I didn't mean the calling was having kids. For me it was travelling and I was trying to say it was my 'thing'. I'm genuinely sorry if I offended anyone 😔

Sorry if it is a trigger factor, but is donor egg IVF not an option to consider for you? I know several ladies who went that route and they were older than you, all are happy and the babies are totally "theirs".

To whom are you addressing that post? Surely not the op who is trying to embrace childlessness, having presumably considered all options.

I think her attitude is commendable and we should give her encouragement to do something with her life, not drag her backwards.

You are free to pursue friendships, develop talents, a career, voluntary projects, travel. You will have opportunities to love life fiercely and deeply. I was in your position.

I am childfree so bit different. You may not need complete retraining, just change workplace. I work very average career (because it provides enough for what I want, but also is not stressful and I have plenty free time, holidays and I don't need to make more to fund kids) which many would find unsatisfactory and wanted to climb up. But I work in a place which does really important work for people, colleagues are great. Being part of it is really quite satisfying.
DH is in process of completely career changing, because we can afford the risk.
I know someone who did few stints abroad for change of scenery in similar jobs they had in UK.

You don't need to be a mother or career women. You can be anything in between.

Have you got counselling? It helps many because it is essential grief over lost life as you planned - that gaping hole.

Take time to decide which career to continue. You might decide on a part time money earning job and a job to train as, or a part time volunteer position.
Children are huge but their time sharing our homes is relatively short. We all have to forge a life of our own.

Ideas to reflect on ..
Dog - full time or for shorter periods while training Guide dogs.
Hobbies - literary, dance/sport, outdoor adventure, creative arts participant or admirer, cooking.
Training - new career, hospice volunteer or clown, Guide leader, Red Cross emergency response, volunteer fire fighter or foster parent, camp coordinator, youth leader.
Social groups - community, church, sports team supporter, friends, family.
Spouse - What are his passions that you also share? Will you traverse life together? If so you should think of fair chunks of time spent together - Do you like renovating, cycling, gardening, camping, boating?

Are there places and people with whom you want to spend more time? Would any younger family members appreciate you mentoring them in one aspect of their life - say dance?

Knowingly bringing a child into the world who will not have any biological roots is tough on the child.

Don't give up. We had fertility treatment, then ivf, nothing worked. I fell pregnant naturally twice since then. The ivf did something, I'm sure of it.

I am sorry to hear of how this has been and wish you all the best.

I was planning to be childfree, got hit by some hormones in my late 30s, and then had DC. Truthfully, it’s probably was not the best choice for me. I love my child and DS is well taken care off and I am always putting DC first. It’s so hard though, such a daily grind I’m not sure I should have been a mum. I miss my pre-child life too much lately.

I think you assume you will always feel like you do. That wanting. But my understanding is that it fades

i adored the post from “angrymum”

I think you are grieving just now - there is a bend in your road and I would do nothing just now. Don’t fix the hole yet and let it settle which is the hardest thing to do. You might change your job - but you might do volunteering instead. You might travel but you might renovate a cottage in the woods. Don’t just yet change anything

I’m in the throws of teens and angst and anxiety and my life also feels very very hard work. I know I shall come through it. I see my child free friends - some are excelling in careers, some are obsessive about sports, one is doing up a beautiful house. And most have a dog! I love hanging out with them

there is a generation of broken kids out there lost Covid. If you do ever think you want to spend more time with them and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t (!!) then there is a huge need for outreach workers and volunteers. I like young people and I can ever retire, plan to work with them.