Can't have children, what now?

[whatnoooow]

Hey, I've name changed for this post and I'm hoping to get some guidance from women who have been in this situation, or who have some advice, if they haven't.

After years of trying for a child, fertility treatments etc, nothing has worked for us. I've accepted that our future will look different to how we imagined, but I don't really know where to go from here.

It kind of feels like I'm at a crossroads. Like I have a whole life ahead of me (not quite, I'm late 30s), and not really sure what to do with it!

I don't particularly love my job, the money is average and it's fairly easy, but it doesn't bring me any sort of satisfaction. Would it make sense to maybe look in to a fulfilling career? Instead of children being my sole focus, the only other thing I can think of is work?

Not sure what advice I could even get, but some direction or inspiration would be helpful.

Thank you x

Even if you had had children, OP,I I hope that your whole life would not have revolved around them!
The world is your oyster..... you can do anything you want. Off the top of my head... study, retrain, new job, volunteer, new hobbies, friends, travel, culture, sport. Life isn't long enough for all of the many possibilities!

This is a really unhelpful post. It's lovely that it's worked for you, but that won't be the case for many people. No level of positive thinking cures infertility.

OP has moved to a place where she realises it won't happen for her - trying her back into the cycle of hope and hurt is the last thing she needs.

I quite agree, MinPinSins. The op is trying to be positive about her childlessness and needs encouragement. Many people are happy and fulfilled without children, they find another purpose in life.

Also. Don't feel like you have to volunteer to make your life "more meaningful".

As much as I agree with this and admire the OPs positive attitude, the numerous ‘oh well, kids aren’t that great anyway you know’ have made me wince a bit.

I’m a nurse and I don’t think it’s a silly idea at all, whilst it does have downsides I find the job quite emotionally and spiritually fulfilling. Plenty of people train at your age and usually it’s fairly easy to get on a course if you’ve done A levels, you could probably get in a course starting in September or even April.

I used to be a nurse. Really tough job and personally wouldn’t recommend doing it in the country where I live conditions are horrendous. However I don’t think it’s an awful idea at all. The job has its good points. You can travel almost anywhere and be guaranteed a job as long as you can speak the language. It is also very rewarding at times. You could try working as a healthcare assistant for a while and see if you like it. Lots of nurses work as hcas before going on to nursing. Also loads of people of all age groups go on to study it , there were people in my class in their 50s when I was a student nurse.

what I would do is travel if u can as much as you can. I miss all the travelling I used to do before my dc . In my opinion there is nothing more exciting and fulfilling than travelling to new places and experiencing different cultures.

By coincidence, most of my closest friends didn't have children. Nearly all of them are creative and successful at this - two are actresses - one quite famous, the other a jobbing actor who loves gardening and travel. A third is a very successful novelist. A fourth is an artist who runs big community projects. They lead very spontaneous, liberated lives - they all travel a lot - visiting friends all over the world. One childless acquaintance (also a success writer and actor) took up trapeze in her fifties. They have beautiful homes and lots of friends, who are very important to them. They are fairly well off (children do cost a lot!) and they have so much more energy that I have. It's a very good life for those who have made peace with not being a parent.

I am in favour of retraining, and getting pets! I have a cat who is like my second child (my DD IS 18). When DD is out dCat and I chill out together. She talks quite a lot and I just agree with her, and I talk to her and she ignores me. But I don't mind! I want to get a dog too at some point and maybe fish...

I think a fulfilling career has been so important to me personally

I know it's not the same but I went through secondary infertility. My career gave me purpose and focus and a feeling of self worth. I find it absolutely fascinating and rewarding. People say you work to live not the other way around but I feel quite differently as work takes such a huge amount of my time it's a huge chunk of my life so I'm so grateful that I can do something I really love.

Could you look into careers advice for mature students? I had a quick google and found these links

www.careers.cam.ac.uk/mature-students

Thank you for your honesty that is really strong of you. Best of luck 🌹

I think this is a ‘Know yourself’ situation. Only you will know what makes up a satisfying and meaningful life to you. I used to have a great life with friends, great social life, able to buy what I wanted, but always felt it was empty. Being active in campaigning for things I believe in makes me feel worthwhile ( though not necessarily happy, as it hard to have to look straight at the bad in life).
Other people have very happy lives focusing just on friends and family.
For you, it might be finding a job you find rewarding and meaningful.

Thanks for all the support and ideas.

I'm going to concoct a hare brained scheme to either be rich or happy. Preferably both.

I'll let you know how it goes!

I've read a little on the key to a happy life and it always seems to boil to having a life with meaning. That can mean children for some, volunteer and charity work for some and meaningful jobs for some. The key is finding out what is meaningful for you and trying to make it happen. It sounds like you're on the right path to figuring it out!

Four years ago aged 41 I had our final miscarriage of many we were referred for but denied NHS IVF. I shut down for a bit and didn't want to contemplate paying for treatment or egg donor. So nothing happened snd we are childless.

I scanned through a few comments and they were all about not giving up hope or trying for a baby or the surprise that happens. Like the films most infertility stories end with a baby. Mine did not. I'd didn't want to read any more like that so I skipped to the end and thought I'd give my perspective.

I have a lovey life now. We have just bought a new huge, beautiful family home and we are lovingly renovating it. We have a gorgeous dog and lovely parents and siblings and friends. We go away all the time and travel the world. I work part time 4 days a week in a decent role -I went part time when my life was pretty gruelling. I go swimming 4 times a week and we cook and book holiday and plan travels and buy shares and clothes and antiques! We cook amazing food and entertain friends.

I was and am devastated that I don't have children. I did feel inferior but no longer do- I feel a little empowered. But I still have a family and no one can deny me that. I have love and security and more money! I love my job. I go to work each day and have huge satisfaction and my colleagues are all delightful human beings. I see the beautiful in everyday.

I wish my colleagues and friends knew what I had been though and what I have to say but it so taboo. I understand parenting is hard but other aspects are too and just because I don't have children doesn't make life easy. Just different.

I wish you happiness op.

I've just been back and read a few of the later posts with nice comforting tear in my eye.

It turns out my life is similar to many others. Beautiful words from other posters about being childfree not through choice.