Please can you help me get a better routine going? Desperate!

[Greywarden]

I'd love some help, Mumsnet!

We've got a 17-month-old DC and a dog. DH and I both work full time, generally 9-5 but with jobs that sometimes require extra evening hours just to keep up with the workload. Both jobs are in mental health and involve lots of high-risk and emotionally distressing things, so there is a lot of stress (I appreciate that loads of people's jobs are stressful in different ways though and this hardly makes us unique!)

I'm also studying for a work-based qualification so sometimes have quite a lot of extra uni things to do outside of work time. DC is in nursery 8.30-5.30. The only exception is one afternoon a week when I finish work a few hours early to get some 1:1 time with her; I make up for this with extra work hours in the evening that day.

DH and I are both exhausted and not functioning very well. The house is perpetually in chaos and we are always behind with housework - and this is by both of our relatively low standards! Emotionally we are under strain - starting to get irritated and snappy with one another when our relationship has never been like this before (even during a difficult newborn period).

I know this is always going to be a challenging time, but I see other couples with multiple children who seem to be much more 'together' and indeed single parents doing an incredible job in much more challenging circumstances than ours, so really feel I don't have an excuse. I constantly feel like I'm failing and am feeling stressed and ashamed of my home. And yes, I'm prepared to accept that I am probably being lazy and just need to get a grip!

I would be so grateful for any help with improving our weekday routine. When I write it out it looks so stupid, and I can think of lots of ideas on paper for making it better, but we seem really stuck and are finding it hard to change. What works for other people? How can I get out of the rut? The biggest issues for me are the lack of emotional and physical intimacy with DH; not enough house stuff getting done (by which I mean cleaning, tidying, good quality cooking, laundry etc); the complete lack of exercise in my days unless I'm the one walking the dog; the fact that I often go all week without even washing my hair. When DC was small, I used to get up with her at 6 and do an hour's dogwalk with her in her pram every morning, but something about the combination of uninviting darkness and exhaustion really makes me struggle to motivate myself to do that anymore.

Typical weekday:
5.30-6am - one of us, usually me, wakes up. Usually this is a little before DC wakes and provides a tiny bit of time for house jobs. DC wakes any time between 5.30am and 6.30am though so sometimes she beats me to it. I sort breakfast and get DC ready for nursery. DH joins me to help at some point and make it easier for me to get myself ready for work.

8.15ish - leave for work; one of us drops DC off at nursery depending on our schedules that day.

Then work. It isn't far away but we both sometimes have to travel about. One of us gets back at lunch to walk the dog for half an hour, again depending on schedules.

5.30pm - one of us picks DC up from nursery; the other aims to get back to walk the dog before DC gets home. Sometimes one of us is out later though due to work travel and the other parent has to do all the rest themselves. Usually it's me still out - sometimes I don't get back until 6.

6pm-8pm - time with DC - playing; reading; bath and bedtime routine. It takes up to half an hour to settle her at the moment. During this time we also sort dinner - either one of us cooking or heating up something batch-cooked or sometimes resorting to crappy snacking. We don't talk to each other much. My DH openly says he is too tired to get into conversation at this time and needs head space.

8pm onwards - sometimes I have to work. Sometimes DH does a bit of house stuff whilst I'm working; sometimes he just sort of crashes out in exhaustion on his tablet.
If neither of us have to work, we might do a little bit of house stuff and then crash out together - either in front of the TV or with our books. We don't tend to have much energy to interact.

Some time between 9pm and midnight we are asleep.

DC tends to wake a couple of times in the night; sometimes I end up giving up and going into her room to sleep with her as it settles her faster.

Rinse and repeat.

Weekends: take DC to toddler classes; try to see family and help out relatives who need it; occasionally manage to see a friend; try to tackle the house with varying degrees of success; occasionally get an evening off when a relative babysits, but this is about once every couple of months. I would say we are barely keeping our heads above water but actually it feels more like we are drowning in the water given how bad our house looks right now.

As a sidenote: our house is pretty small and is crammed with too much stuff with no space for it to have a 'place'; lots of things are broken or in need of decorating; we don't have a tumble dryer but the house is also quite damp so drying clothes takes AGES and means putting up clothes horses that make it almost impossible to move around the cramped space; no dishwasher; we can't really even have a bath or shower in the evenings as the bathroom is next to DC's bedroom and she wakes up easily. I realise that these are first world problems but thought it might be useful context. We could afford a cleaner but physically cannot do it as the house is always too messy to expect anyone to clean around.

Arghhh!

Any help out there?

This is MN,where most folk will say, you're doing a marvelous job. It depends what you want, how tidy to you want your house, starting with that. I almost always worked ft. My oldest kids are 40/50s, (younger 30s second marriage) in the 70/80s, maternity leave was 6 weeks after birth, and you had to work the equivalent of a lot of ft hours to accrue it . I did it by working shifts (nursing) working round each other. We had a huge garden, quarter of an acre. Lots of animals. I kept the house tidy,so there wasn't a mammoth task. Kids had after school activities,we lived fairly rural.ex H had his own cleaning company, never found a cleaner up to our standards. We had contracts with big American airlines, they expected perfection! First H was a control freak (and some) second DH ,born in 50s Sarf London, didn't do housework. But I had my own system. Seems like you waste a lot of time between getting up at 5.30 and 8.15. I've always had economy 7,so the washing would be done then,hung up. I would also be cooking at that time,batch, and frozen, for later meals. Everything was like clockwork (people used to say that they could set their watch by me) until an early menopause,42. Everything went to pot,aches, pains,worse,no short term memory! They used to call the menopause "the list syndrome" so that was what I then relied on. I shopping fortnightly,made sure I never ran out of anything. When I worked nights, I used to come home,walk the dogs to primary school with the dogs,then back over the fields to home and bed. Yes, I did have hobbies, went out with friends.

I walked the KIDS to primary school with the dogs!

I don’t really have any advice as such but a dehumidifier would make a vast difference to the time to dry the washing and the damp.

I'd question whether now is the time to study when you have a 17 month old and full time work. Maybe it feels like the only you-time you get but I have to say I would put it off until your dc is older.

Having resisted a tumble drier for a long time I am frankly amazed what a difference it makes in a British winter.

Do you get anything much out of the toddler classes? If not, stop them. Just have friends round for tea or go to theirs or to a cafe if hosting is stressful. Take a bit if pressure off.

If you can afford a cleaner, for God's sake have one. Let them do their job. They do the hygiene bit in kitchen and bathroom and any floors they can get to, means you can tackle small spaces and do actual sorting in the time you have. You will be AMAZED at what it does for you. Do that now.

Thanks @Nannyfannybanny, it sounds like you had a really good routine (before menopause came along and brought new challenges). You're right about time being wasted in the morning. I'm way too chaotic - if I cook it trashes the kitchen; when I give DD breakfast I make mess and let her get messy and then have to wash her and it all seems to take ages; I can't seem to get my own appearance together for work (always seem to end up with toothpaste or a sticky handprint on me that I hadn't noticed). I am way too clumsy, faffy, disorganised! Doesn't help that DD tends to want to stick to me like glue when we're up in the mornings so it is hard for me to shower or cook etc, but people find ways round this I know.

@PermanentTemporary thanks for this. Perhaps we can rethink the cleaner - I've been assuming it wouldn't be possible but perhaps it's about just asking them to do a small number of specific things. You're right about the studying but it's actually tied to my job - the qualification is funded by work and is a condition of my employment. I was, however, pretty overambitious to take this job when I did. I thought a promotion would be good for my family but the timing was poor.

Physically no room in the house for a tumble dryer, sadly!

I agree with getting the cleaner. If you are drowning, now isn’t the time to by shy or embarrassed about getting help. Get them in to clean, and then you use this extra time you aren’t cleaning on the weekends to declutter. One room at a time. Or even one corner or side of the room at a time. You’ll be amazed at the difference and the boost in energy and pride you’ll get from even just decluttering one room, and it will help with the rest.

I also agree with stopping the qualification right now - and I am normally someone who promotes work and qualifications. The reason being you owe a responsibility to your family and DH too, and your description of being ‘below water’ and no talking to your DH makes me worry the relationship might not survive if you keep this up. Life is busy on this stage, yes, but you have to enjoy it, at least some parts of each day, or what is it all for?

I'd adjust your meals as well perhaps. Meal planning is an MN perennial for a reason. Ds is grown up now but I still do a version where I list the meals I've got ingredients for and pick what we fancy off the list. But I'd do a lot more very very basic food - sardines on toast with tomato slices, scrambled eggs on toast with some greens, baked potatoes with cheese and beans, macaroni cheese, pasta carbonara with a few peas slung in, salmon done in the microwave for 2.5 minutes.

Find a cleaner and specify that you need someone who is happy to tidy as they go, lots are - my cleaner is amazing she tidies things away without asking and makes the whole place look better.
Instead of you and DH helping each other at various points just split it, he can do breakfast while you get ready, then he gets ready while you get DC ready.
In the evening one person do bedtime while the other tidies and cooks, or just cooks and puts a wash on.
Make a plan together stick to it and tweak as necessary

Declutter majorly. Get rid of anything that serves no purpose, you haven’t used in forever or is just simply taking up room.

a clear house makes a clear mind.

hire a cleaner asap. Have them do tasks like changing the bedding etc and that will save you valuable time you could use else where.

I would think again about studying at the moment, is this something you can pause?

Batch cooking is your best friend. On a Sunday try and cook up as much as possible to ease the load for the week. Do a big batch of a chilli, bolognese, curry that can be used for multiple meals. I also do a big load of hard boiled eggs as we all eat those as snacks. Pre chop carrot, pepper, celery, cucumber sticks to have with hummus and pittas for meals for little one or snacks for yourselves.

take 5 minutes before you both fall asleep to hold hands or have a cuddle and say a few words to remind each other that you love each other, appreciate each other and things will get easier.

OK no tumble drier (I hear bad things about washer/dryers but you could investigate). I think the dehumidifier could be a good call. Another thing to consider is reducing the washing load. My neatest cousin literally used to put her children into painting overalls wiyh long sleeves for every meal, and ive seen others do it too . I was a bit gobsmacked but the kids were unfazed as they were used to it and I certainly saw the point when the overall was removed to revealing an immaculate child underneath.

Likewise consider a housecoat for yourself - work clothes then something fully covering you on top. At the very least a big apron.

Get a washer drier they're not as good as two separate appliances but it will help. Or use a service wash.

Two hours in the am to get ready and leave the house is mad what are you doing??

Have a set bedtime for you and DH.

Agree about not bothering with the groups unless you enjoy them. Or one go to group and the other do an agreed job eg clean the bathroom or declutter.

Decluttering. Cleaning tidying etc gets so much easier when not drowning in stuff. It might feel a lot but you could start on key rooms (living,kitchen), chuck stuff into boxes in the car to get rid of and commit to keeping those spaces tidy.
Anything to keep on a different room just gets chucked in there till you do that room :-)

Agree with batch cooking, frozen veg, meal plan so you're either repeating or got very quick things.
Could you swap to a washer dryer for space?

Honestly you're doing well. We work 9-5 too but my job while technically full time has lots of flexibility so is essentially easier than yours. Living without a dishwasher and tumble drier with a little one is hard, and both parents working full time too is TOUGH. Get the cleaner (I'm assuming dishwasher not an option?) and possibly look into whether either of you can slightly reduce hours. I think both parents working full time is so so tough. Some people can do it but if you do I think you have to outsource as much as you can.

Could you get a dog walker, even for a couple of days a week? It would be one less thing for you both to fit in and they aren’t expensive. We have one who does one set day a week and also additional walks if we are having a particularly busy week and she is a godsend.

Cut back on feeling you have to help others. You can't do that effectively right now. You need all the time there is to try to sort yourself and your own family out. Frankly, I think you've taken on far too much and you should be looking at what you can drop or reduce, before you do anything about it.

Are you sure it couldn’t go on top of the washing machine? This is normal in some parts of Europe (where they also have the washing machine in the bathroom!)

I second a dehumidifier but they’re also pretty big - about the size of a pedal bin.

Can a relative mind your DC one Saturday while you have an epic declutter? And also try to cook food which is mess-free in the week. Or relatively. Batch cooking bolognaise for example, or shop-prepared food like quiche or oven chicken.

We also both work FT, are both studying degree level courses (we each get 'day release' from work to study) on top and have 2 kids, here's an example of our day - it is military, but see if you can pick something out to help.

When the kids were at nursery we'd often drop them there and let them have breakfast there to ease up the pressure, but they're in school now!

6am - DH and I wake up, I go downstairs, put a wash load on and do a 30 min pilates workout, prep breakfast and make coffees, then up for a 5 min shower and 5 min makeup routine. DH showers and gets sorted then wakes the kids just before he leaves at about 7am.
7-7:30 Kids eat - usually French toast or reheated pancakes I've prepped at the weekend, or weetabix.
7:30-8 I get little one ready (he's 4) big one gets himself sorted (he's 9)
Leave the house at 8:20, walk to school (10 mins each way) back home and into the car for 8:50, arrive at work just before 9.

Pop home at lunchtime, use this 30 mins to empty washer onto airer and prep something ready for tea later (slow cooker or chop veg)

DH finishes at 4:00ish and collects kids from childminder, he runs the hoover round and puts away any dry laundry while they play. I finish at 5 and am home by 5:15. We all eat together at 6.

6:30 - 7:30 is family time (or on a Wed and Thurs its activity) or one of us might go to the gym (5 min drive from home)
7:30 upstairs for baths/showers.
8pm into bed, lights out 8:30.
8:30 - 9 DH and I run around like crazy people tidying up the house, 9pm we put something on TV to watch together, 10pm we are in bed and mostly asleep by 10:30 on weeknights.

Weekends we have morning activities for the kids but are always done by 10:30 and then either go out for the day or bake or do 'something'

If we have uni deadlines coming up we take turns to use Sunday afternoons for the uni work the other one cleans the house, we're both about halfway through our courses so looking forward to June 2026 when we're both finished.

Firstly you need to get the basics sorted. You both need to take a day or 2 off work and have a massive declutter. Book a skip and be absolutely ruthless - chuck out anything that is broken or hasn’t been used in 6 months. Don’t keep anything that won’t fit in your storage so everything now has a place. Also buy some heated clothes airers. Book a cleaner to come the following day so you are motivated (and time bound) to use the time effectively

Next you need to buy some heated airers so that the clothes dry quickly

The trick is to tidy / clean as you go along. So tidy up breakfast things as you make it / immediately afterwards

Lastly have at least one time a week for you and DH. We used to have a “date night” every Friday where we would get a takeaway to have after kids were in bed then spend the evening together

You can definitely sort this but need to put time in upfront

I have a 4yo and a 8mo and I'm not even back at work yet and I'm already crumbling under the chaos. I'm terrified of starting work again in 3 weeks! 2 things that do help (when I have the energy and brain capacity, which isn't every day given how shit sleep is and how sleep deprived and angry at the world I am at the moment):

1. My evening self tries to help my morning self when possible (I know you work some eves, so not always possible) - I prep things for the morning (e.g. porridge for brekkie so only need to warm it up; choose my clothes and kids clothes, have work/nappy bags ready, that kinda stuff, but also dishes, laundry, tidy up if I have the time and energy).
2. I use the baby carrier loads with my babe who is in full separation anxiety mode (sooooo intense!) so I can crack on with stuff (prepping dinner, laundry, read to my 4yo, anything really, even doing my make up and hair in the morning if baby isn't too wriggly 😅).

But I also accept that the house, my brain, my looks are gonna be chaotic for this phase in life. I know that once the baby is a little bit less physically dependent, it's gonna get a little easier to do these things. But realistically, I imagine until kids are pre-teen, it will be chaos!

This sort of modern life is a killer.

I'm now a single parent so can't afford it at all BUT i've gone four days a week to give me breathing room from the chaos you describe.

You need, in this order:

1. One or both of you to go part time. You'll make the money work. Use your day off to exercise, put a wash on, study if you have to. But probably knock off the studying for a while unless you really enjoy it.
2. Pay a cleaner. Mine only comes once a month but I won't get rid of her.
3. Washer dryer. I've had one for fifteen years and as long as you use it properly they're a gamer changer. I give my washing an hour or so in the dryer and then hang it up to finish off quicker. Only fits in the space of one machine.

I find the more organised I am the less time everything takes, I also try to use the minutes where I would otherwise just be waiting.

So

• when DD is brushing her teeth for bed I'm sorting out her clothes into a pile for the next morning and making sure her bag is ready to go.
• when I go downstairs after putting her to bed I immediately slice up some fruit and put it in the fridge ready for her breakfast in the morning.
• I then wash up any pots and while the sink is filling I give the floor a sweep.
• finish the washing up and put the coffee maker on for my evening latte, while that's doing its thing I use the spray mop to clean the floor and then I wipe down the surfaces.
• in the morning while DD is eating her fruit I stick some bread in the toaster, while that's toasting I empty a pack of meat and some pre-prepped packets of veg into the slow cooker with a tin of tomatoes and some seasoning and switch it on low. That's dinner sorted, I just leave it cooking all day and turn it off when it's time to eat.
• on the days we aren't having a slow cooker meal I make something that takes 5 mins to cook, I always always buy the pre-prepped veg. It's more expensive yes but worth it to save the time in my opinion. So stir fry, fajitas, quesadilla, stuff on toast, omelette, pasta and jar of sauce. Or a pour it onto a tray and oven cook for 30 mins while I do something else special - sausages with root veg tray bake, chicken thighs with roasted broccoli and sweetcorn, pork chops with roasted green beans and cauliflower.

You work full time in a demanding job, you also study, you run a house, you parent a young child.

That's a hell of a lot on. I'm being honest; most women on MN would be rocking in a corner if they had that much pressure in their lives so you need to be less hard on yourselves and accept that this is how it is for the moment.

I would forego toddler classes, have a massive declutter and get a tumbledrier. Nothing more soul destroying and messy than wet washing hanging around the house.