Please can you help me get a better routine going? Desperate!

[Greywarden]

I'd love some help, Mumsnet!

We've got a 17-month-old DC and a dog. DH and I both work full time, generally 9-5 but with jobs that sometimes require extra evening hours just to keep up with the workload. Both jobs are in mental health and involve lots of high-risk and emotionally distressing things, so there is a lot of stress (I appreciate that loads of people's jobs are stressful in different ways though and this hardly makes us unique!)

I'm also studying for a work-based qualification so sometimes have quite a lot of extra uni things to do outside of work time. DC is in nursery 8.30-5.30. The only exception is one afternoon a week when I finish work a few hours early to get some 1:1 time with her; I make up for this with extra work hours in the evening that day.

DH and I are both exhausted and not functioning very well. The house is perpetually in chaos and we are always behind with housework - and this is by both of our relatively low standards! Emotionally we are under strain - starting to get irritated and snappy with one another when our relationship has never been like this before (even during a difficult newborn period).

I know this is always going to be a challenging time, but I see other couples with multiple children who seem to be much more 'together' and indeed single parents doing an incredible job in much more challenging circumstances than ours, so really feel I don't have an excuse. I constantly feel like I'm failing and am feeling stressed and ashamed of my home. And yes, I'm prepared to accept that I am probably being lazy and just need to get a grip!

I would be so grateful for any help with improving our weekday routine. When I write it out it looks so stupid, and I can think of lots of ideas on paper for making it better, but we seem really stuck and are finding it hard to change. What works for other people? How can I get out of the rut? The biggest issues for me are the lack of emotional and physical intimacy with DH; not enough house stuff getting done (by which I mean cleaning, tidying, good quality cooking, laundry etc); the complete lack of exercise in my days unless I'm the one walking the dog; the fact that I often go all week without even washing my hair. When DC was small, I used to get up with her at 6 and do an hour's dogwalk with her in her pram every morning, but something about the combination of uninviting darkness and exhaustion really makes me struggle to motivate myself to do that anymore.

Typical weekday:
5.30-6am - one of us, usually me, wakes up. Usually this is a little before DC wakes and provides a tiny bit of time for house jobs. DC wakes any time between 5.30am and 6.30am though so sometimes she beats me to it. I sort breakfast and get DC ready for nursery. DH joins me to help at some point and make it easier for me to get myself ready for work.

8.15ish - leave for work; one of us drops DC off at nursery depending on our schedules that day.

Then work. It isn't far away but we both sometimes have to travel about. One of us gets back at lunch to walk the dog for half an hour, again depending on schedules.

5.30pm - one of us picks DC up from nursery; the other aims to get back to walk the dog before DC gets home. Sometimes one of us is out later though due to work travel and the other parent has to do all the rest themselves. Usually it's me still out - sometimes I don't get back until 6.

6pm-8pm - time with DC - playing; reading; bath and bedtime routine. It takes up to half an hour to settle her at the moment. During this time we also sort dinner - either one of us cooking or heating up something batch-cooked or sometimes resorting to crappy snacking. We don't talk to each other much. My DH openly says he is too tired to get into conversation at this time and needs head space.

8pm onwards - sometimes I have to work. Sometimes DH does a bit of house stuff whilst I'm working; sometimes he just sort of crashes out in exhaustion on his tablet.
If neither of us have to work, we might do a little bit of house stuff and then crash out together - either in front of the TV or with our books. We don't tend to have much energy to interact.

Some time between 9pm and midnight we are asleep.

DC tends to wake a couple of times in the night; sometimes I end up giving up and going into her room to sleep with her as it settles her faster.

Rinse and repeat.

Weekends: take DC to toddler classes; try to see family and help out relatives who need it; occasionally manage to see a friend; try to tackle the house with varying degrees of success; occasionally get an evening off when a relative babysits, but this is about once every couple of months. I would say we are barely keeping our heads above water but actually it feels more like we are drowning in the water given how bad our house looks right now.

As a sidenote: our house is pretty small and is crammed with too much stuff with no space for it to have a 'place'; lots of things are broken or in need of decorating; we don't have a tumble dryer but the house is also quite damp so drying clothes takes AGES and means putting up clothes horses that make it almost impossible to move around the cramped space; no dishwasher; we can't really even have a bath or shower in the evenings as the bathroom is next to DC's bedroom and she wakes up easily. I realise that these are first world problems but thought it might be useful context. We could afford a cleaner but physically cannot do it as the house is always too messy to expect anyone to clean around.

Arghhh!

Any help out there?

You can do sooo much in 15 minutes. Some professional organisers have that as their byline.

Things like in the morning, run the sink with hot soapy water and chuck all the breakfast dishes in. Quick wash up before you leave the kitchen....

Chuck all the dirty washing on to the landing when you get undressed at night. Bring down in the morning and wash on straight away...

Hang up before you leave the house and put away at bedtime....

Ditch the Saturday classes and spend 2 hours on a Saturday morning doing the cleaning... one does upstairs and one downstairs... then stop. Rest of the weekend is fun time. On a Sunday evening you prep for the week, meal plan, lay out clothes, check calenders....

You need to buy a dehumidifier or a dryer.

You should buy a basic treadmill or stair stepper.

You need to stop helping relatives and visiting friends on weekends for the time being.

You need to cut out the baby classes on weekends. Your baby does not need these at all.

Take one or two weekends to do a massive clear out of the stuff you don't need -
Clothes
Baby stuff that's no longer usable
Broken or unused kitchen items - baking pans, pots with wonky handles, appliances you never use, plastic storage that is old, lacking lids, etc
Footwear
Gloves, hats, scarves
All but a dozen pairs of socks each
All but a week's worth of underwear plus one
Outerwear
Ratty sheets/ bedding
Ratty old towels
Stained/ unused kitchen tea towels
Bathroom stuff you rarely use - lotions, etc.
Any hobby stuff you are storing for the day when you'll have time to use it
Any cleaning products you rarely use
Old makeup

Clothes are likely the big clutterer, but you'd be surprised how much junk the average bathroom and kitchen hold.

Once the big clear out is done, deep clean the house together (maybe on a third weekend).

Look into parkrun or couch to 5k that you and your H and baby in a jogging stroller plus the dog can do together on weekends.
Or commit to getting out together for a good long walk, rain or shine every weekend.

Every weekend you also need to batch cook and do laundry. Bedding and towels need to be washed every week. You should not have to cook on a weekday apart from tossing a salad or boiling rice or pasta.

If you can afford it, hire a cleaner to come in every two weeks for big jobs like getting at skirting boards, behind heavy furniture, a deep clean of the bathroom, inside of the windows and the window sills, a really good hoovering, dusting and polishing. You and DH can take care of the kitchen yourselves daily.

If a cleaner is out of reach, the weekend is a good time to get these chores done in a rota. Don't try to do it all every weekend.

And get a dogwalker for the midday walkies.

Also, get your hair cut and wash it in the shower. Prioritise this element of your personal hygiene unless you have a hair type that doesn't smell if you go a few days without washing it.

You need to force yourself to get this done if you're not feeling like it and it is hair that needs washing more frequently than once a week.

The fact that you're neglecting this makes me wonder if you're a little depressed?

You might also have a vitamin D deficiency after the long, gloomy winter. Try taking a daily vitamin D supplement, and make sure you drink lots of water.

You have a lot going on so things are never going to be perfect. You have to work with what you have.

What you do have (which we've never really had) is two parents mostly in the house in the evening.

You only need one parent to do dinner, bath and bed for your DC. Put the other parent to work or give them the time off. Much more efficient.

One of you does the dinner, bath, bed routine. The other parent either i) focuses on cleaning, tidying, decluttering and getting everything organised for the next day, or ii) has an "evening off" where they get to shower and blob for a bit. Alternate. Draw up a schedule so you get roughly even child evenings, house evenings and relax evenings. That way, one of you does the routine stuff while the other one makes a bit of progress in the house and you both get a bit of relax time. Agree a schedule of jobs to be tackled at the beginning of the week.

Other ideas:

• Work out what the "stress" points in your day are and make a list of them. Devote time to removing them. For example, mornings are a huge stress for me so I find and lay out everyone's clothes and stuff for the next day (including socks, pants, hairbands, swimming gear, snacks, everything we'll need) in a pile as soon as I get in from work. I pack the school and nursery bags for the next day even before I start making dinner. It's removed a lot of aggro running around trying to find things when we're already late. I kept getting stressed by our pots and pans cupboard overflowing so I chucked out all our old pans (they were due to be replaced anyway) and bought 5 new ones only, which is all that we need.
• If you can't deal with a stress point immediately, make a note of it so you can put it on the list to deal with.
• Get a washer-dryer. Wash on in the morning, dryer on when you come in from work.

I'd get a skip (Hippo skips are good - they come flat packed so you can wait till you need them).

Then both book a day off work and fill the skip! Then go for a late lunch.

I bet you'd feel loads better if you could move round the house.

Something I used to do around this stage is send DH with the baby to a dads and babies club at a local church on a Saturday (lots of them have them and you don't have to be a churchgoer). Use that time to catch up on stuff then book a babysitter for the evening.

We used to do that once a month.

A dehumidifier will help with the damp and drying problem.

Use the mental-rest/time for chores and vital things. DH can get headspace whilst putting in a load if laundry, for example, or having a quick shower, or chopping vegetables for bulk cooking.

Honestly, I think a walk would do you all good. Even if it's a bedtime walk where LO falls asleep in the pram and is then transferred to bed. It will leave you and DH so much more refreshed than screen time.

The more you can put on autopilot, the less fatiguing it is. So have a meal plan for the week including ingredients needed. Do another next week, repeat them both, then add a third and repeat all three. Then just stick with those three weeks for a couple more months before adding a fourth week. Food will take less mental effort, less time and less money.

I've heard professional organisers are amazing. Since you can afford a cleaner , put off getting one for a month or two, get the professional organizer in for a day or two first, and then it'll feel like a huge weight has lifted off your mind.

I often just want to doom-scroll, but it makes me feel just as tired and more unhappy. By contrast, 10 minutes messing around on the piano is a bigger effort for the first 30 seconds, then it leaves me feeling happier and more rested. Maybe you could both find 'your piano', IYSWIM.

Also, identifying stress points and working out how to make them smoother helps. Our mornings were always fractious with one baby. With three, I've been forced to deal with the problem! I have a list of 10 things we all do before supper (including clothes and bags ready for the next day, food out of the freezer for the next day, quick tidy, clean laundry away). Your timing and your things to do would be different, but Lazy Genius might help you work out how to improve things.

Also, with little ones, letting them have fun helping you with boring jobs is fun for them, you both bond, they learn and will be genuinely able to help in no time, and the jobs get done before they go to bed without feeling like you have to sacrifice precious time with them.

Eg y 18 month old loves loading the washing machine. I check the clothes from the laundry basket and put them in the floor. Whilst she puts them in, I take the dry washing from the dryers and put it into the correct baskets ready to go away.

My 4 year old can now lay the table without help and put away his own clothes. My 6 year old can be a significant help with bulk cooking a meal. It starts by letting them turn a 5 minute child-free task into a 10-minute play-task, and in the long run helps them with independence and self-esteem.

We find it helps to not rest until the necessary things are done (unless it'sv actually bedtime). But we do jobs in an order that suits what we feel up to. My husband has a sedentary brain job, so likes to do a physical but brainless task. I more often prefer to start with a sit-down concentrating task. It doesn't matter either way, if the work is getting done.

It gets so much easier, by the way :)

I haven’t read the other post so I may repeat what everyone else is saying but:

1. get a dehumidifier and dry your clothes next to it. It really helps (and you avoid future issues with mould
2. sacrifice one weekend to sort out the house - it will really make a difference to your head - you’ll feel clearer

If you go with the cleaner find one who can help you organize and declutter. My friend’s cleaner gradually got her organized over a year- often just things like pulling all the herbal teas out and checking if she liked them all, organizing cutlery drawers, that kind of thing.

I’d look at what was working well before your child, to figure out which systems are broken now and fix it with a new system - for me, we clean off the table at night but don’t do dishes till morning. Instead we head up to bed and tackle chores like folding laundry and having a bath - sounds like you need a new time for a bath or a white noise machine to block the sound for little one. We do the dishes in the morning while the kettle boils and we set the table.

during the messy eating period we did breakfast in pyjamas and carried kids’ day clothes to the living room and dressed them there. I still have a laundry hamper in my main floor bathroom instead of leaving kitchen and kid laundry on the stairs.

By 4 kids those perfect mums have it sorted! You’ll get it too. Just find systems that work for you.

Oh, Another thing dh and I do - we have no family childcare around so every 8 weeks or so we book a day off together, do the school run and have a full on day date - out for breakfast and a slow coffee together, then go to the cinema or amble around the shops.

we’ve done this since the big one was in nursery, at first we felt bad sending him to nursery when we were off but we soon realised that we needed that time together to reconnect.

I am betting that a lot of your ‘frazzled ness’ is due to lack of sleep

Sleep train dc. There are lots of methods that arent about endless crying. Both you and dc will be healthier and happier for 8 uninterrupted hours

Go to the GP and get bloods done to include Vit D, B12, Ferritin, Iron, Magnesium, TSH and thyroid antibodies. It is very usual to have any of them out of whack post child bearing and any one of them being off leaves you feeling exhausted and fumbling for control.

Book a skip or cleaner or something that provides you with a deadline. Then set yourself a ‘whoops’ budget. Bin everything that you arent 100% sure you are going to need to use in the next year (which allows for some seasonality). If you get it wrong, the whoops budget will cover it. Somehow this makes it easier to bin things as you have given yourself permission to make the odd error in judgement. Be really serious about number of clothes you keep. You only need enough clothes for a 2 week cycle

See if you can find a local laundrette on the way to nursery or work that has a wash dry, iron or fold service and start dropping bags there once a week for pick up a couple of days later. Then you dont need to battle the laundry at home and your house wont need a dehumidifier and dryer to be squeezed in.

Look at PP suggestions to make your mornings more efficient, but I bet if you are getting 8 hrs uninterrupted sleep every night, that will sort itself

Start doing 15 min blitzes, and get DH on board. One of you does 15 mins upstairs and one downstairs every night before sitting down with each other for a date moment.

Start date moments..its for those of us that dont have time for a full date 😂. You said the two of you liked to listen to music, so book 8.30 to 9pm in both of your calendars every night to sit together, hold hands/snuggle and listen to your music. Take it in turns to find the music for that night.

It sounds like both of you need a mental break from your work day before you enter the real world, what can you both do to consciously make that happen for each of you. It might be just sitting in your car for 5 mins before you walk into nursery or the house and doing some breath work, or reading a book, or stretching etc. Maybe its only 5 mins, but acknowledging that you need the time and giving yourself something will help. Set an alarm with a nice dong noise for the end of your mental break helps to set the transition back into busy focus mode.

Weekends…I would suggest you set a morning for jobs and an afternoon for play. Dc can help, with jobs. Both parents should divide and conquer, the parent with dc doesnt just get to do nothing else. Write a list on Fri night (hopefully you will have been making notes on jobs thru the week, so its just a matter of collating) and divide it between you.
I also suggest you take it in turns for weekend lie ins. The lie in person does not have to be asleep, they just get uninterrupted use of the time for whatever they want. My DH always had Sat and I always had Sun, since the dc got up at 6am, the lie in ended at 8am and it didnt wreck the day. The non lie in person had to do breakfast and clean the kitchen/tidy round as much as possible

Sorry, thats a lot. Hope some of it resonates and you find a path through

@Greywarden how are you getting on?

Washer dryer?

Thanks for asking @FrannyScraps.

We are all ill at the moment, which isn't helping (this was also why I was off work and posting on a weekday in the first place) but all three of us seemed to be doing better yesterday. Bad night with DD not sleeping well but hopefully things are looking up.

I had a chat with DH yesterday, sort of taking the approach of non-confrontationally explaining that I don't think it's any one person's fault but I think we're both struggling at the moment and can we think through options for making our lives better.

Both helpful and frustrating things came out of it from my perspective. On the helpful side, I got to learn about DH's perspective on it all. He agrees the house isn't great. He agrees that we could both do more in short bursts and pointed out that I in particular seem to only want to do a housework task if I know I have a block of time in which to do it really thoroughly, which means in reality that things don't happen as often as they should (eg I will give the kitchen a deep clean once a week but am not good enough at keeping on top of the surface mess each day). He's completely right about this and it reflects a lot of the advice I've had on here too. He agreed to try out more of a divide and rule approach in the evenings so that we can get more done between us. He has agreed - and we have actioned - booking days off work at the same time soon to do some decluttering and get some long-neglected 'big jobs' done. He has agreed to guaranteeing one day a week where I will get a lie-in and he will do DD, as at the moment this is not regular and he can see I'm struggling.

Most valuably from my perspective: he is up for date nights, both out when we can and at home. This was a relief because frankly I've been really worrying that he is fed up with me and doesn't want to spend quality time with me.

On the frustrating side: he is dead against a cleaner or a dog-walker ('only for lazy people'). He is dead against a washer-dryer (as unilaterally decided it's too bad for the environment. He is happy for us to look into a dehumidifier though). He thinks most of the mess / clutter in the house is down to me having too much stuff and doesn't want to throw away or donate much of anything of his (which will be a problem as we live in the house he had for many years before we met and honestly 80 percent of everything in every drawer and on every surface is his). He won't agree to consider any sort of schedule-based approach to meal planning or domestic tasks (we're adults and this shouldn't be needed apparently - good meals and a clean home should just sort of happen).

Worst of all to me, it was pretty clear that my DH sees the state of the house as mostly my fault, and I don't agree that it is. We seem to have different perspectives on a) what a good standard of home would look like and b) which of us does the most at the moment - no surprise perhaps that we each thought we did! I came away from the conversation fairly convinced that I'm the main problem here, although afterwards I did recall what a state his house was in when I first met him so clearly it isn't quite so simple as that...

My plan is to try hard to make changes with the day to day my end, and also to schedule reminders in our joint google calendar for tasks like bedding washes and deep cleans. Even if initially I'm the only one to act on those reminders / take them seriously, at least they will help me keep track of what needs to be done a bit better than I currently do.

@Thisismeme my DH hates mornings and won't get up before 8am - or even 8.30 - if he can help it. Mornings are on me except for the one day a week he has now agreed to do. I realise this isn't strictly fair but it is something I have accepted - he does horrifically when he doesn't get enough sleep, is often struggling to get to sleep at night due to anxiety and has never been a morning person. I am going to have to take this one for the team.

@SeaToSki I will definitely get some tests done as I do think it's a bit strange that I am this deeply exhausted. Yes life is stressful but again I can't help but compare myself to the many people who have it a lot worse. I have always been such an energetic person and really don't feel myself at all these last 6 months especially. I also love your whoops budget and date moments ideas. I think you are also bang on about DH and I both needing even just 5 mins to mentally decompress from work.

@HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear , thanks for the assurance that it gets easier. I think you're bang on about a lot of things including the value of a daily walk for us all in the evening - that could be one routine DH actually goes for and could really help us all to decompress.

@CrispieCake I love the stress points idea. As I read your post I felt my blood pressure rise at the thought of my overflowing tupperware with the lids that don't match... haha!

@mathanxiety I'm grateful that you took the time to write out so much - even just the task list helped things to feel clearer and more manageable in my head somehow than just like a vague dread, so thank you! I'm not able to do - or perhaps I should be more honest and say I'm not prepared to do - all that you suggest. The family helping responsibilities are non-negotiables for me (needs doing;

no one else to do it). I also can't bear to cut my hair - it's the one bit of my appearance I like really and I remember the smug look on my health visitor's face when I was struggling with my newborn and she said 'you'll be cutting all that lovely hair off soon enough'. I need to make the time to look after it - perhaps just waking up earlier a couple of days a week to sort it out better. I think you're right about some low mood / mild depression creeping in for me and resulting in self-neglect. I haven't done a skin care routine for ages and barely wear makeup anymore when I used to love it. I feel quite worthless and ashamed, which then feeds into the vicious cycle of not looking after myself and feeling more worthless. I actually work with people severe mental health problems for a living and spend loads of time helping people to work out how to break this sort of cycle for themselves, but can't seem to break it for myself. At least this has all helped me to get an even better understanding of why many of my clients find it so difficult to change!

@WhoWhereWhatWhy I love your bath time idea!

@PermanentTemporary and @AlloftheTime, you both made me smile when I really needed to. Thank you!

@InfoSecInTheCity @lilytuckerpritchet and @QforCucumber , really great to see your routines / advice on steps to take.

And thank you to everyone else too who I haven't mentioned - I can't reply to all individually as have already spent really long on here when I should probably be trying to get back to sleep, but I've written a load of ideas down from all the posts and am so grateful to you all.

That's so positive in some ways, and as you say some frustrations just have to be left on the shelf. It sounds like you are starting to see a way forward. But don't forget your poat-discussion insight into how he lived before (any photographic evidence?) I also moved into dh's house rather than us having a new place together, and it was a perpetual issue to me, though I'm not sure he ever realised it. A lot of the time I just had to let his highly selective memory be.

Some time in the next few months, maybe have a private chat with his mum (if around) to find out where this ludicrous idea that only lazy people have domestic help comes from. If she repeats the same thing, oh well, at least you know where it comes from. If she would agree to suggesting it to him herself then you might have progress.

Wushing you better times ahead. Good luck with the blood tests.

Could your dh go part time for a few years?

We always walked the kids and dogs to school - 2 birds one stone. Maybe you live close enough to do this?

The secret to getting on top is doing the small stuff - don’t worry about doing a massive declutter right now. You’re already completely over extended on your big stuff with the job and qualifications.

Small things are

having a decluttering bag somewhere easy, so you can quickly toss out grown clothes when you’re doing the laundry - then it’s just one more option for sorting clothes, not a big looming job.

have a decluttering bag/box handy as an option when you’re tidying too. Then establish a routine for dropping it off (maybe tie it in to grocery shopping)

spend time with your dc doing chores - hear me out on this one! In a nursery they have loads of play time, crafts, child centred activities. The only thing that’s missing is connection with you. So when you connect, draw them into your world by doing tasks together. It’s a little slower than doing it alone. If you were a sahm you’d balance doing crafts and chores with the dc. And if you think about it, quite a lot of child’s play evolved from adult tasks (play dough is the commercialised version of dc playing with a handful of bread dough)

A child in nursery doesn’t really need more toddler classes. Unless you absolutely love it, drop that.

make two dinners instead of one and slowly stock the freezer to take the pressure off. Roasting two or three chickens and bag up lunch meat. This is also something you can throw money at if you prefer.

Say please, thank you, sorry to your partner, smiling and the small pleasantries that we do with others but sometimes neglect at home - they’re called magic words for a reason

Rituals - dh and I have a hug and a kiss every morning before we leave the house. Sometimes it’s perfunctory. Twice in 19 years it’s turned into a quickie. But most of the time it’s just a quick moment for us in the chaos to remind ourselves that we like each other.

Clean as you go - mentally add a minute to the end of a task, and look to see if there’s something you can put away or something you can wipe clean.

While you’re walking the dog, if you listen to audio books, I’d recommend Davis How to Keep House While Drowning for encouragement, acceptance and a reality check and K White How to Manage your Home Without Losing Your Mind for strategies

We’re in similar boat work wise with a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Things we do to make life easier:

• Gousto for us / frozen kids cook meals for kids
• little and often on the cleaning (ie don’t do an entire house clean in one go but eg clean the bathroom while kids are in the bath and then clean the bath once they’re out and in pjs)
• put it away don’t put it down (goes for anything!)
• Just get up and walk the dogs - it’s exercise, that fresh air in the am does make a difference and then you don’t have to feel guilty if you haven’t done it (I know I always do!!)
• Declutter so there’s less stuff
• Skip the toddler classes. My oldest now does ballet on a Saturday am first thing but we tie that into a morning out but she didn’t start any classes until 3. They’re at nursery all week anyway, they don’t need the extra socialising etc
• Once a fortnight - cinema or dinner or something if you’ve got someone who could sit in the evening while she’s in bed, once a week sit and actually watch a film or something together, no phones.

Can you work 10 days in 9 to get one day a fortnight to yourself?

If you’re regularly having to work in evenings is it worth discussing with your employer as with a manageable workload that shouldn’t be necessary.

Ultimately though, those are all sticking plasters - life with two full time working adults and a toddler is hectic and busy and hard to manage!

That's really interesting and gives insight to have some more background on your housing situation.

I also moved into a house DH already owned. It was cluttered in places, bare in others, and he'd done nothing to it in terms of decoration or storage.

I gradually made it more functional and attractive but he did moan a bit.

We didn't really solve it until we eventually sold it due to needing to relocate, and bought a home together.

Guess who did all the admin for the move?

Although he moaned, I think he did quite like that people started complimenting the house when they visited and it certainly added to the value and speed of sale that we no longer had a cardboard box instead of a laundry basket and paint sheets instead of curtains (!)

Nowadays I'm afraid I rarely consult him when stuff needs mending, improving or refurbishing. I just do it. I've got a reliable builder. When we last did our kitchen I just ordered a washer dryer (we don't use the drying function that much but it's handy for towels in the winter). We use a washing line in the summer.

I give choices like you would a child: "would you rather hang the laundry or do the dishwasher?"

Regarding "only lazy people employ help"... your DH is lazy?! I mean you're the one posting here worrying about it while he's criticising your kitchen tidying and failing to get out of bed early enough.

DH would generally rather pay tbh. He doesn't really want to think about cleaning or maintenance and his standards are low. Over the years I've left him with the whole of the tasks he is prepared to do (food shopping, cooking, driving) and sort the rest myself, applying money where necessary.

Good luck! And don't blame yourself. Structural sexism only really becomes visible when you reproduce.

A few thoughts

A toddler spending hours every week day in nursery does not need toddler classes at the weekend. I'd strongly consider letting these go.

Definitely get a dehumidifier. They make a great difference to drying time and also stop the house getting damp with wet clothes hanging around.

I find it concerning that your DH is not willing to change or try some of the things you have suggested. To be living in a house that contains 80% his clutter but him blaming you for the house being chaotic is rubbish.

I'm ruthlessly decluttering our house and it has been a useful process and day to day life is getting (very gradually) easier as I'm losing stuff less often. House also feels nicer too. I'm not suggesting you spend your precious weekend decluttering but you could try to move one item a day out of the house. Sometimes tiny things like a random gadget in the kitchen drawer that no one has used for years etc.

The nursery years are by far the easiest childcare wise (apart from the cost of course). What's the plan when DC starts school? Not every school offers wraparound care to 5:30 every day and even if they do it's rare for kids to be in it every single day. The quality of after school care also varies enormously. I would not feel ok if my DD had to attend after school club every day and actually she would hate it. If you're thinking about childminders you need to plan this far in advance if you want to get a place with a good one. I know it seems crazy adding to your list of pressures but this time goes quickly and a bit of planning ahead might pay dividends.

Actually I’ve just read your update - I don’t think your DH getting up until 8 is acceptable. If you both get up at 6 then he’s getting an extra 10-12 hours a week to do stuff. I also struggle to sleep due to anxiety, and a baby who doesn’t sleep at all, I can’t deal with less than 10 hours sleep and am not a morning person. Unfortunately I chose to have children, we work full time, so that’s just not negotiable. You’ll never find a mum sleeping in every morning leaving dad to deal with it all.

I also thought could you each go to 80%? But if course that only works if the oerson in the house isnt making more mess, which sounds likely here.

So no dog walker, no cleaner, no washer/dryer and clutter is all yours and not his?

I'd be really unhappy with that. Really unhappy. You can only do so much for yourself. some of these would be deal breakers for me.

Make him do all the dog walks and all the washing for a bit......