Please can you help me get a better routine going? Desperate!

[Greywarden]

I'd love some help, Mumsnet!

We've got a 17-month-old DC and a dog. DH and I both work full time, generally 9-5 but with jobs that sometimes require extra evening hours just to keep up with the workload. Both jobs are in mental health and involve lots of high-risk and emotionally distressing things, so there is a lot of stress (I appreciate that loads of people's jobs are stressful in different ways though and this hardly makes us unique!)

I'm also studying for a work-based qualification so sometimes have quite a lot of extra uni things to do outside of work time. DC is in nursery 8.30-5.30. The only exception is one afternoon a week when I finish work a few hours early to get some 1:1 time with her; I make up for this with extra work hours in the evening that day.

DH and I are both exhausted and not functioning very well. The house is perpetually in chaos and we are always behind with housework - and this is by both of our relatively low standards! Emotionally we are under strain - starting to get irritated and snappy with one another when our relationship has never been like this before (even during a difficult newborn period).

I know this is always going to be a challenging time, but I see other couples with multiple children who seem to be much more 'together' and indeed single parents doing an incredible job in much more challenging circumstances than ours, so really feel I don't have an excuse. I constantly feel like I'm failing and am feeling stressed and ashamed of my home. And yes, I'm prepared to accept that I am probably being lazy and just need to get a grip!

I would be so grateful for any help with improving our weekday routine. When I write it out it looks so stupid, and I can think of lots of ideas on paper for making it better, but we seem really stuck and are finding it hard to change. What works for other people? How can I get out of the rut? The biggest issues for me are the lack of emotional and physical intimacy with DH; not enough house stuff getting done (by which I mean cleaning, tidying, good quality cooking, laundry etc); the complete lack of exercise in my days unless I'm the one walking the dog; the fact that I often go all week without even washing my hair. When DC was small, I used to get up with her at 6 and do an hour's dogwalk with her in her pram every morning, but something about the combination of uninviting darkness and exhaustion really makes me struggle to motivate myself to do that anymore.

Typical weekday:
5.30-6am - one of us, usually me, wakes up. Usually this is a little before DC wakes and provides a tiny bit of time for house jobs. DC wakes any time between 5.30am and 6.30am though so sometimes she beats me to it. I sort breakfast and get DC ready for nursery. DH joins me to help at some point and make it easier for me to get myself ready for work.

8.15ish - leave for work; one of us drops DC off at nursery depending on our schedules that day.

Then work. It isn't far away but we both sometimes have to travel about. One of us gets back at lunch to walk the dog for half an hour, again depending on schedules.

5.30pm - one of us picks DC up from nursery; the other aims to get back to walk the dog before DC gets home. Sometimes one of us is out later though due to work travel and the other parent has to do all the rest themselves. Usually it's me still out - sometimes I don't get back until 6.

6pm-8pm - time with DC - playing; reading; bath and bedtime routine. It takes up to half an hour to settle her at the moment. During this time we also sort dinner - either one of us cooking or heating up something batch-cooked or sometimes resorting to crappy snacking. We don't talk to each other much. My DH openly says he is too tired to get into conversation at this time and needs head space.

8pm onwards - sometimes I have to work. Sometimes DH does a bit of house stuff whilst I'm working; sometimes he just sort of crashes out in exhaustion on his tablet.
If neither of us have to work, we might do a little bit of house stuff and then crash out together - either in front of the TV or with our books. We don't tend to have much energy to interact.

Some time between 9pm and midnight we are asleep.

DC tends to wake a couple of times in the night; sometimes I end up giving up and going into her room to sleep with her as it settles her faster.

Rinse and repeat.

Weekends: take DC to toddler classes; try to see family and help out relatives who need it; occasionally manage to see a friend; try to tackle the house with varying degrees of success; occasionally get an evening off when a relative babysits, but this is about once every couple of months. I would say we are barely keeping our heads above water but actually it feels more like we are drowning in the water given how bad our house looks right now.

As a sidenote: our house is pretty small and is crammed with too much stuff with no space for it to have a 'place'; lots of things are broken or in need of decorating; we don't have a tumble dryer but the house is also quite damp so drying clothes takes AGES and means putting up clothes horses that make it almost impossible to move around the cramped space; no dishwasher; we can't really even have a bath or shower in the evenings as the bathroom is next to DC's bedroom and she wakes up easily. I realise that these are first world problems but thought it might be useful context. We could afford a cleaner but physically cannot do it as the house is always too messy to expect anyone to clean around.

Arghhh!

Any help out there?

Not much to add. It’s a shame your DH feels cleaners are for lazy people. Certainly isn’t the case at all.

That said, we no longer have one but instead I now send out our ironing and also have all towels and beddings washed, dried and folded every week. It’s a huge huge time saver and means it’s been easier to address other tasks. They also do a way better job than me so it’s a absolute bonus.

I’m sorry your dh doesn’t get to opt out of getting up when you have a young child. 6 am is not that early. I’ve had 3 years of 5am starts and we share the load here. I’d be fuming if my husband just opted out

Hmmm I think your husband is being a dick to be honest.
When you have children you don't get to be 'not a morning person' if they are up at 5am you are up at 5am!
Going off what he has said about the clutter not being his, I would be tempted to get the skip for a day he won't be available to help and declutter without him, unfortunately mistakes may be made and some (all) of his shit might end up in the bottom of the skip underneath some other items.
You have admitted you are not great at keeping on top of the kitchen, leaving crumbs etc, that's a really quick win for you! Treat yourself (and your husband!) to a lovely smelling surface cleaner and use it 2/3 times a day, after all meals etc.
You have a dog so really you probably need to be hoovering daily (I have 2 dogs, if I didn't hoover religiously we would live in a Palace of hair!)
The loo and sink need a quick spray and wipe every day also.
Bigger jobs need doing at the weekend (deep cleaning the bathroom and kitchen etc)
On a week day it takes me and my husband half an hour ish before work to get all of the above done and a load of laundry on the go....
Get a dog walker/cleaner if it takes the pressure off for a while, my older kids walk the dogs so I don't have to worry about that so in reality I have live in dog walkers (I'm so lazy! According to your husband anyway).
Once everything is decluttered and clean half an hour a day will easily keep on top of things.
With regards to your self care, I would pick two nights a week for your husband to put the kids to bed and you have a bath/shower which includes washing your hair and putting a treatment on it. Use a face mask and body lotion etc, tell him you 'are not an evening person' so he'll have to sort the kids whilst you relax 😉

😂 yes OP. Make that your personal brand. "Not an evening person." You're doing potentially 17 or 18 hours extra a week compared to him (all those 6am to 8.30 slots). That's not fair. Take back the time!

I feel similarly overwhelmed, OP. My kids are older (primary age) but the endless juggle is exhausting and I already work part-time, albeit in a long hours, high stress job that I simply couldn’t do full-time alongside all the kid and home stuff. As they get older, it’s easier in a lot of ways (no night waking, no clingy toddler getting in the way while you cook) but harder in others - they start doing loads of activities, have more play dates and parties, there are assemblies / reading mornings / random inset days at school, they might have problems with friends that they want to talk through with you, you have to do homework…. Others have given some great advice. I would just add:

1. Can your toddler not have breakfast at nursery (even if that means dropping off earlier)? One less job to do in the morning, less mess to clear up, toddler can get dressed straightaway.
2. Similarly, they never stop eating at nursery - mine just used to have a simple supper of toast and fruit or scrambled egg when they got home as they’re not that hungry. Then you and DH can have a meal box type dinner to make things easier.
3. If DH is completely anti tumble driers, definitely get the dehumidifier. A tumble drier changed my life. As they get older they get through so much stuff (sports kit, swimming kit, school uniform, bedding when they first stop wearing nappies at night) you need a way of drying things quickly.
4. Get DC to “help” with jobs a bit. It will pay dividends when she is older and can get her own breakfast, put away laundry etc. I was not very good at this, with the result that my older kids now moan about simple chores.

I would tell your DH that if he's going to forbid you from having a cleaner and a dog walker, then he needs to get his arse out of bed earlier to deal with the cleaning and dog walking. Who made him the boss of the house?

Rather than getting a cleaner, what about using the money for a Laundry service? I’m sure you’d be able to find one locally where they collect, wash, dry and return your clothes neatly folded?

also, how about taking some annual leave just to clear some backlog of all your house chores and get on top of things to give you a head start? You could start clearing out some of the extra ‘stuff’ to give you more space. I think everything having a place is key to reducing the chaos and getting organised. The less stuff you have, the easier this will be. Good luck. X

Could you work through a Marie Kondo type clear out, where you get her all of the same type of thing and decide if you're keeping it. It might help to demonstrate to your DP how much of the clutter is his

Yeah right - they’re for “lazy people” apparently. What like blokes who avoid having to get up with their kids because they’re not morning people?! 🙄🙄 either he gets up and helps or OP gets to outsource

I used a dog walker just once. I looked through his insurance policy, got references, said I only wanted my 2 dogs walked with him, not a big pack. He came back and told me my border collie slipped the lead, right by a road! She had a full harness on. Never again! There are a lot of dog walkers in the forest we use,5/6 dogs on leads. Same with cleaners, never used one at home only in ex H cleaning business. I put away, tidy up as I go. My kitchen now is tiny and open plan to the living room.i don't want to see mess. If I cook, make a cake, butter, sugar, flour weighed, and put away. Utensils in sink washed up while cake is cooking or in the dishwasher. Few minutes to air the bed, then it's made,neat,tidy, cushions, throw. I get out of the shower,clean, shower,bath,basin, worktop, toilet. Friday,big clean,dust, change towels, flannel, window , sill, mirror,wash floor.water,feed plants in there. I never go to bed or out leaving a mess. Our place is open plan,no where to hide. I worked 5 nights in a row,I would have been stressed, exhausted, anxious if I didn't do this.

Please re-read your own update OP and ask yourself if this is fair to you, and how you want things to be going forward... you are an equal in this relationship.

• take some time off work eg 3 days and do a Sort Your Life Out and throw away half your stuff. Watch the programme if you need a guide how to do it
• for the love of goodness get a cleaner after the declutter
• sell the washing machine and buy a combo washer and dryer in one. We haven’t space for a standalone dryer but my goodness I wouldn’t be without our washer dryer

Split cleaning of the house in room. Get a cleaner for the rooms which are your responsibilty.

Fck me read your update. You don’t have a house problem or a routine problem you have a husband problem.

he has an issue with getting a cleaner but he’s not cleaning enough.

hes not getting up in the morning and the small bone he’s thrown you is ONCE a week (out of 7!!!!!!!)

he doesn’t want you to get a tumble dryer but you live in England in a small damp cold house.

cmon OP these are the real issues. I also wouldn’t be making more time for physical intimacy with him if he’s coming out with this sort of shite

A few things
I break things down to make life easier so I only tackle 'life admin' on certain weekday nights.
I do washing little and often and try and keep on top of putting away
Get your daughter used to noise so you can have a shower when you need to (or have a shower as soon as you come in if time)

Would agree about mornings. I sometimes get work done in the morning so I don't have to do it at night. Or I cook for that night, do a washing load, put things away so we're leaving the house tidy.

Sleep! Go to bed earlier. Ditch whatever you're watching on TV and just get to bed. Sleep makes everything else so much more achievable and lack of sleep causes so many bad moods and bad habits.

De-Clutter! Have a charity box by the back door and commit to each putting at least 2 items in the charity box and 2 in the bin each, every single day. This podcast really helped me start to remove some clutter

Meal prep / freezing - Commit to cooking from scratch one week night and one weekend day and any time you cook or prep, make enough for 3 or 5 meals (depending on freezer space) - tagine, chilli, pasta sauce can all be thawed and reheated in a slow cooker so they are ready for when you get home. Freeze roasted Mediterranean veg in trays with some tinned tomato ready to add to pasta or jacket potato. Pre-chop veg and store in the fridge for a quick omelette or stir fry on your busiest nights.

Do a 10 or 15 min workout as soon as you get up, before anything else distracts you. Set a timer on your phone and just do 10 mins of whatever. Even just sun salutations or burpees or just dancing, no equipment or special clothing required. Make the walking you already do counts, fast walk / jog or wear a weighted vest when walking the dog.

Keep thinking and speaking to your partner like they're on your team. Take a moment to give your partner a hug and a kiss, acknowledge that it is hard and tiring, say thank you or tell each other something you appreciate about them. Really prioritise each other, so many relationships suffer in this phase of your lives.

You are doing brilliantly to be working full time with a 17 month old baby - yes, she is still a baby! - and even just a generation back many women wouldn’t have gone back to work until their children were all at school. There were legions of SAHM when I was growing up in the eighties! I know that there are several posters on this thread who are exceptions, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that you are putting in a ‘double shift’ at home and also in a very responsible job. I have a family member with MH problems and if I gave out the medals, you would be getting one from me!

I will try not to cover points that have already been made but here are a couple of thoughts:

1. Could you consider mounting a ceiling drying rack somewhere in your home. They can even come with rope-pulley systems to go above the stairwell. Failing that, a curtain pole mounted above the washing machine might be used for hanging laundry on hangers. Your description of being hemmed in by drying laundry made me feel very claustrophobic and, to be honest, sounded like a bit of a safety hazard.

2. I know that this will be considered controversial, but is it time for a serious conversation about what dog ownership brings to your family life? I know that dogs are often very loved, but your description of the dog seemed to be as yet another chore that you or your DH had to cover. Not having a dog, if you could find him/her another good home (perhaps with a family member?), or perhaps committing to not having another when he or she goes, would free up so much time, stress and eliminate all sorts of tasks from your to-do list. Failing that, what about making use of ‘Borrow My Doggy’?

3. Seriously consider moving house. Your DH sounds, frankly, selfish and complacent about his domestic life so you need to do something drastic to rebalance things between you both.

Best wishes.