I'd love some help, Mumsnet!
We've got a 17-month-old DC and a dog. DH and I both work full time, generally 9-5 but with jobs that sometimes require extra evening hours just to keep up with the workload. Both jobs are in mental health and involve lots of high-risk and emotionally distressing things, so there is a lot of stress (I appreciate that loads of people's jobs are stressful in different ways though and this hardly makes us unique!)
I'm also studying for a work-based qualification so sometimes have quite a lot of extra uni things to do outside of work time. DC is in nursery 8.30-5.30. The only exception is one afternoon a week when I finish work a few hours early to get some 1:1 time with her; I make up for this with extra work hours in the evening that day.
DH and I are both exhausted and not functioning very well. The house is perpetually in chaos and we are always behind with housework - and this is by both of our relatively low standards! Emotionally we are under strain - starting to get irritated and snappy with one another when our relationship has never been like this before (even during a difficult newborn period).
I know this is always going to be a challenging time, but I see other couples with multiple children who seem to be much more 'together' and indeed single parents doing an incredible job in much more challenging circumstances than ours, so really feel I don't have an excuse. I constantly feel like I'm failing and am feeling stressed and ashamed of my home. And yes, I'm prepared to accept that I am probably being lazy and just need to get a grip!
I would be so grateful for any help with improving our weekday routine. When I write it out it looks so stupid, and I can think of lots of ideas on paper for making it better, but we seem really stuck and are finding it hard to change. What works for other people? How can I get out of the rut? The biggest issues for me are the lack of emotional and physical intimacy with DH; not enough house stuff getting done (by which I mean cleaning, tidying, good quality cooking, laundry etc); the complete lack of exercise in my days unless I'm the one walking the dog; the fact that I often go all week without even washing my hair. When DC was small, I used to get up with her at 6 and do an hour's dogwalk with her in her pram every morning, but something about the combination of uninviting darkness and exhaustion really makes me struggle to motivate myself to do that anymore.
Typical weekday:
5.30-6am - one of us, usually me, wakes up. Usually this is a little before DC wakes and provides a tiny bit of time for house jobs. DC wakes any time between 5.30am and 6.30am though so sometimes she beats me to it. I sort breakfast and get DC ready for nursery. DH joins me to help at some point and make it easier for me to get myself ready for work.
8.15ish - leave for work; one of us drops DC off at nursery depending on our schedules that day.
Then work. It isn't far away but we both sometimes have to travel about. One of us gets back at lunch to walk the dog for half an hour, again depending on schedules.
5.30pm - one of us picks DC up from nursery; the other aims to get back to walk the dog before DC gets home. Sometimes one of us is out later though due to work travel and the other parent has to do all the rest themselves. Usually it's me still out - sometimes I don't get back until 6.
6pm-8pm - time with DC - playing; reading; bath and bedtime routine. It takes up to half an hour to settle her at the moment. During this time we also sort dinner - either one of us cooking or heating up something batch-cooked or sometimes resorting to crappy snacking. We don't talk to each other much. My DH openly says he is too tired to get into conversation at this time and needs head space.
8pm onwards - sometimes I have to work. Sometimes DH does a bit of house stuff whilst I'm working; sometimes he just sort of crashes out in exhaustion on his tablet.
If neither of us have to work, we might do a little bit of house stuff and then crash out together - either in front of the TV or with our books. We don't tend to have much energy to interact.
Some time between 9pm and midnight we are asleep.
DC tends to wake a couple of times in the night; sometimes I end up giving up and going into her room to sleep with her as it settles her faster.
Rinse and repeat.
Weekends: take DC to toddler classes; try to see family and help out relatives who need it; occasionally manage to see a friend; try to tackle the house with varying degrees of success; occasionally get an evening off when a relative babysits, but this is about once every couple of months. I would say we are barely keeping our heads above water but actually it feels more like we are drowning in the water given how bad our house looks right now.
As a sidenote: our house is pretty small and is crammed with too much stuff with no space for it to have a 'place'; lots of things are broken or in need of decorating; we don't have a tumble dryer but the house is also quite damp so drying clothes takes AGES and means putting up clothes horses that make it almost impossible to move around the cramped space; no dishwasher; we can't really even have a bath or shower in the evenings as the bathroom is next to DC's bedroom and she wakes up easily. I realise that these are first world problems but thought it might be useful context. We could afford a cleaner but physically cannot do it as the house is always too messy to expect anyone to clean around.
Arghhh!
Any help out there?