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Original poster

Would you date someone who was separated from but still living in same house as wife?

100 replies

Banoffeepielover · 06/02/2025 09:40

I've been seeing someone for about a month, it has literally just been green flag after green flag, I honestly couldn't fault him. He is so thoughtful and kind, consistent, great communication, just basically does everything right and in a genuine way , not in a lovebomb type way.
He split with his wife 8 months ago, she initiated it. They live in the same house together and sleep in separate rooms, he also has a 12 year old daughter.
He is doing the whole trying to move out thing so it's not like he's just not taking action.
Would this put you off? He has been transparent about it and I have my own place and so we can come here if we want privacy etc.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 06/02/2025 09:42

Absolutely not.

At best, far too complicated/too soon after the end of his marriage.

At worst, they're not actually separated and he's lying to you.

SauvignonBlonk · 06/02/2025 09:42

No one falls in love faster than a man that needs a roof over his head. Let him move out and get his own place to see how committed he is to the relationship.

Original poster
Banoffeepielover · 06/02/2025 09:45

@SauvignonBlonk yes he definitely won't be moving in with me, I don't want to live with someone again. He has a solicitor and went to see a mortgage advisor last week so I know he is making moves to leave

OP posts:
stayathomer · 06/02/2025 09:47

n op but just because myself and dh are having really bad issues but at times we lapse into family mode, the nudges, the knowing looks, the history- I don’t think you can not do this if you live together with children. If he moved out I wouldn’t see a problem

wizzywig · 06/02/2025 09:49

He's a green flag as he has the best of both worlds. He's living in the comfy family home. He might (and we know not to always trust what a man says) not be in a relationship with his wife, and he is also in the early days of an exciting new romance. Of course he is in a good mood and acting happy. He migh lt also be trying hard with you as it will annoy his wife (if she is single).
He's winning either way, his marriage might work out or it might work out with you.

Izzy24 · 06/02/2025 09:50

Don’t.

i know someone who has been in this situation for YEARS.

He’s also a ‘lovely man’ and also a professional.

And also STILL not divorced from his wife 4 years on…..

Just don’t.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 06/02/2025 09:50

No. He’ll still be entirely emotionally tangled up in his marriage. Also, if he can’t afford to move out yet he doesn’t sound particularly solvent.

joysexreno · 06/02/2025 09:52

No.

Chuchoter · 06/02/2025 09:52

No.

Shouldbeworkingnotreadingtalk · 06/02/2025 09:54

SauvignonBlonk · 06/02/2025 09:42

No one falls in love faster than a man that needs a roof over his head. Let him move out and get his own place to see how committed he is to the relationship.

Have never seen a truer word spoken n Mumsnet. . LOVE THIS ....

madamweb · 06/02/2025 09:54

No way.

isthismylifenow · 06/02/2025 09:55

Good grief, that is very firm no from me.

I even would not date someone who had only split with his wife after 8 months. That is no time at all. Never mind the fact he is still living there.

ChanelBoucle · 06/02/2025 09:55

No. If I REALLY REALLY liked him and felt he was worth waiting for then I would make it clear to him that any relationship now would be untenable but we’d stay in very light touch, no commitment and if he’s moved forward in six months’ time I’d consider it then. It would also be a test to him as to how serious he is about me because I would expect him to move heaven and earth to make it work between us.

hairyunicorn · 06/02/2025 09:56

For many reasons (mainly caring for 2 elderly relatives)
I lived with my ex hubby for 6 years, same house, different bedrooms. Although people didn't believe me, there was no cross over, we never slept together and actually managed to create a genuine friendship despite our split.

AdoraBell · 06/02/2025 09:57

No. So many people claim to be split to string their new interest along.

I met my DH 8 months after his ex moved out to live with one of the blokes she was seeing and initiated divorce. Even then I was reticent because they were still legally married. If they were still living under the same roof I would have walked away.

Mopeygeorge · 06/02/2025 09:57

I would and did, it turned out to be exactly as he said and he moved out - into his own place - within a few months. I'd be optimistic OP but tread carefully, if there is no movement within a time limit (set by you) then be prepared to step away.

EarlierDistraction · 06/02/2025 09:58

No. Keep in touch, then when he has moved out and the divorce is properly underway think again.

PenniesButton · 06/02/2025 09:59

Absolutely not.

If he's a green flag, he still will be in six months when he's got his own place and moved out. End it now, and message him then.

Redfred00 · 06/02/2025 09:59

Absolutely not. Once he's living independently...maybe.

KiwiOtter · 06/02/2025 10:00

No way.

You can’t actually be sure they are no longer sleeping in the same bed together/having sex/actually separated.

You could just be the other woman unwittingly here.

Sorry, I see no green flags, just red with him.

BigDahliaFan · 06/02/2025 10:00

Ummm...I did. In retrospect it was too soon. I went with him to house viewings and knew he was moving out. We overlapped with him living with his ex by about 6 months. I'd met the ex and she knew about me as did his family.

We've now been married 12 years and together 18. I didn't move in with him till he'd been living on his own (with kids EOW and in the week) for about 3 years.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 06/02/2025 10:01

Absolutely no way. Too messy.

titchy · 06/02/2025 10:01

8 months is plenty time to move out. Why isn't he renting somewhere and sorting out separate finances and child arrangements?

Bet the wife still does all the cleaning, washing the kids clothes and making her dinner....

MumonabikeE5 · 06/02/2025 10:03

No. His relationship isn’t over yet.
he also needs to have time away from any relationship to work out who he is, what went wrong, how he can be as a single person, how he can parent independently. He needs to have his own home. He needs to look after his own home.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/02/2025 10:04

I suppose I would be tempted since he's so wonderful at the moment, but it's not a great situation and could be covering up something else.
At the very least I would want to visit his home pretty soon, when his wife is in and the children are out, and talk to the two of them together, not about how they feel towards each other or what happened in the past, but about their practical plans for the future - will they be divorcing and if so when; how long do they expect the current living arrangements to continue, etc. You'll find out a lot just seeing how they are with each other.
If he refuses to arrange this or says his wife refuses, then that would be a red flag for me. It can't be that platonic and amicable and sorted and 21st C if they are not able to discuss the practicalities with someone who has a legitimate interest.