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Original poster

Would you date someone who was separated from but still living in same house as wife?

100 replies

Banoffeepielover · 06/02/2025 09:40

I've been seeing someone for about a month, it has literally just been green flag after green flag, I honestly couldn't fault him. He is so thoughtful and kind, consistent, great communication, just basically does everything right and in a genuine way , not in a lovebomb type way.
He split with his wife 8 months ago, she initiated it. They live in the same house together and sleep in separate rooms, he also has a 12 year old daughter.
He is doing the whole trying to move out thing so it's not like he's just not taking action.
Would this put you off? He has been transparent about it and I have my own place and so we can come here if we want privacy etc.

OP posts:
Letstheriveranswer · 06/02/2025 12:30

No, even if he really is separated and his wife is fine with it all, it might be morally Ok. But he is still legally married. He has a long road ahead of moving out, divorcing, getting into a new routine with his kids. Finding out who the new version of himself is now he is on his own. Recovering from the emotional loss and learning from what went wrong so he doesn't take that into his next relationship.

He will probably have a rebound fling or short relationship ....do you want that to be you?

I'd get back in touch with him in a year, when the dust has settled...stay friendly meanwhile by all means, but I wouldn't date or get involved with him

caringcarer · 06/02/2025 12:35

No. 8 Months is no time at all.

Dror · 06/02/2025 12:37

He has a long road ahead of moving out, divorcing, getting into a new routine with his kids. Finding out who the new version of himself is now he is on his own. Recovering from the emotional loss and learning from what went wrong so he doesn't take that into his next relationship.

THIS! He has a huge amount of work to do to divorce, house himself, work on himself. He should be solely focused on that, and his child whose life is being drastically upset.

Not on the next woman he can get.

2JFDIYOLO · 06/02/2025 12:42

Let's assume he is genuine.

He needs to become a new person.

Eight months is nothing. He's going to need a long timo recover from the failure of what he thought was forever. He's suffered emotional damage.

Ending a relationship and moving home are two of the most stressful things we go through. He'll need to heal from that and the pressure of being a new woman's boyfriend will be a LOT of expectation from you.

You're going too fast.

Shrinkingrose · 06/02/2025 12:45

I’m not sure, my friend dumped her husband, they shared the home for a year, he dated another woman for several months, thing was he was still in love with his wife,utterly gutted about the split and going through the motions and lying to the woman to get laid. They also shared a bed, bizzarly, but he told the woman they didn’t,

so I’m not sure, I think I’d assume you’re rebound woman.

Onlyvisiting · 06/02/2025 12:46

No

HotCrossBunplease · 06/02/2025 12:46

I’d be deeply unattracted to a grown man who was not able to achieve “the whole trying to move out thing”. How hard can it be?

CandyLeBonBon · 06/02/2025 12:47

Nope. Did once, many years ago and they ended up 'falling into bed together' (his words!) so if I were looking to date again, that would be a hard no!

Weddingbells6 · 06/02/2025 12:50

Probably not. I would be too worried about it all, I if he’s wonderful I would just ask him to call me when he’s moved out if he’s still single. If he thinks you’re great then waiting a couple of months shouldn’t be that big of a deal for him.

Although I did start talking to someone whilst still living with my ex and we were in separate rooms etc so I do think it’s possible (still with that person) but I just don’t think I would trust a man enough to be completely honest.

Crikeyalmighty · 06/02/2025 12:52

I wouldn't - partly because I'm not keen on men who race into relationships whilst the previous one is barely cold- even if it's been dying for a fair old time- I prefer it if they've had a period of being on their own and some reflection time on their own

notatinydancer · 06/02/2025 12:55

Banoffeepielover · 06/02/2025 09:45

@SauvignonBlonk yes he definitely won't be moving in with me, I don't want to live with someone again. He has a solicitor and went to see a mortgage advisor last week so I know he is making moves to leave

Were you at those appointments? Or is that what he's told you ?
I wouldn't see him til he had his own house.

Chuchoter · 06/02/2025 12:56

'He is so thoughtful and kind, consistent, great communication, just basically does everything right and in a genuine way , not in a lovebomb type way. '

You make that sound like it's something exceptional! Those are the basic qualities in a person let alone a man!

soarklyknobs · 06/02/2025 12:56

You are dating a married man who lives with his wife??

Have you met her? Does she know that he's separated and dating other women?

Aside from all of that, how much time does he actually have to build a decent relationship?

Surely a man who is working full time, taking on 50% of the childcare, housework and mental load, and attempting to get a divorce and buy/sell a house is time/energy poor? And if he's not time poor, and has plenty of energy to date, who do you think is raising the kids, doing the housework and putting in the paperwork etc for the divorce and house sale? His wife. Which is probably why she's divorcing him, making him not a man that you would want, obviously.

WeeOrcadian · 06/02/2025 12:56

Why hasn't he moved out already?
She initiated it - why?

I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole - PP nailed it

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 06/02/2025 12:57

For me it would depend on how I knew. Whether I'd been to the marital home and seen for myself that they had separate rooms. Whether I'd been with him to the solictors and heard for myself that he was moving ahead with another property/the divorce.

It's too easy for them to tell you what they know you want to hear. Actually, thinking about some of the shysters I've known, I probably wouldn't believe them unless I'd met the ex wife and heard it from her own lips that the marriage was over. Some of them will set up their friends to pretend to be solicitors, take you to another house etc. etc. But I'm a cynical woman.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 06/02/2025 12:59

Those of you who dated other people whilst still living in the marital home - how did that go down with your kids? Wasn't it confusing for them? Did you bring your partners back to the marital home?

SlipperyLizard · 06/02/2025 12:59

A friend met a man who was still living with his partner, said they’d agreed it was over but he couldn’t afford to move out/away from the kids. Then (after some months) when his partner saw his messages to my friend the shit hit the fan and it turned out she wasn’t aware that their relationship was “over”.

I’d tread carefully lest this one also be a lying scum bag.

Chuchoter · 06/02/2025 12:59

Lots of things that may be at play as to why he's seeing you so soon after his alleged break up.

The wife wants him out of the house as much as possible.

He wants to be out of the house as much as possible, possibly even trying to make the wife feel jealous and want him back.

He wants to move in with you as his house move attempts mysteriously fail.

FloofyKat · 06/02/2025 12:59

Well, you’ve only been seeing for a whole MONTH so of course I’d expect him to be waving green flags at you!

And no, I’d not embark on a relationship with someone in this situation. Even if he is being truthful, as other have said, it’s just too soon. He should be focusing on working out the details of leaving the marriage, sorting out accommodation, working out how to share custody of his daughter and how to make things as best as possible for her etc. I would be wanting him to have sorted all this stuff first.

HappyToSmile · 06/02/2025 13:00

Possibly. I understand that it could be financially impossible for him to move put until the house sold/signed over. However, I'd want to see signs that they were absolutely moving in that direction.
But from a practical side....I'm not sure it would work for me. My teenager only spends about 2 overnights a month out of the house, so me and partner wouldn't have any "alone" time.

NeedToChangeName · 06/02/2025 13:19

SauvignonBlonk · 06/02/2025 09:42

No one falls in love faster than a man that needs a roof over his head. Let him move out and get his own place to see how committed he is to the relationship.

Ha, so true !

Or, OP is the OW

Neither is good

JadedVeryJaded · 06/02/2025 13:20

Dror · 06/02/2025 12:37

He has a long road ahead of moving out, divorcing, getting into a new routine with his kids. Finding out who the new version of himself is now he is on his own. Recovering from the emotional loss and learning from what went wrong so he doesn't take that into his next relationship.

THIS! He has a huge amount of work to do to divorce, house himself, work on himself. He should be solely focused on that, and his child whose life is being drastically upset.

Not on the next woman he can get.

They all do this. They need to know who their next fuck is. It’s the most important thing of all.

CharRosee · 06/02/2025 13:20

No

Livinghappy · 06/02/2025 13:54

Absolutely not.

Where did you meet him? Online? Also he didn't want the relationship to end but he's already in a relationship? Sounds very much like ego boost.

SpringBunnyHopHop · 06/02/2025 13:55

I would have stopped talking to him in all honesty.

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